Am I being fair...

When it comes to someone I am dating, I love planning things, booking things in advance I can look forward to and I'm good at hunting fun events etc.

This has been very welcomed by my boyfriend who finds it to be a great attribute of mine and has enjoyed everything I've planned and booked for us so far. Always says how amazing, great etc. I am to get him out of the house to do all these fun things, and how his coworkers/friends are often jealous of events that he goes to thanks to my initiative.

So as he always shows he is grateful, I feel fulfilled in that respect and it encourages me to keep organizing fun things.

Here is the thing, though. I'm starting to wish he would make the same effort. He has only ever planned anything for us twice. He once booked a theatre show, and another time he booked a weekend trip. They were both great and I loved it.

But other than that, it's just me organizing things. If it's left up to him, he more just 'takes things as they come'. For example, he'd plan time to see me, but no real agenda of what to do. So we just end up hanging out at his apartment if the planning is left to him. Might spontaneously go for a walk, or go to a nice local restaurant for dinner. But nothing much else. I like doing that too sometimes. But it does make me think he's just being a bit lazy. He leaves the grander plans up to me. He prioritizes work above everything else and works very hard. I respect that, but disappointed that he's often tired and wiped out after work all the time and doesn't want to think about anything else after. He also often goes to after work drinks with his colleagues towards the end of the week, which leaves me with a very tired and hungover boyfriend most weekends (and weekends are when we see each other the most).

I don't want to complain to him about this in a nagging way. Because I know none of this is intentional on his part and I don't want to push him and make him feel pressured. I was considering though asking his thoughts on this and just let him know it was on my mind.

But not if I am being unfair...thoughts?

P.S

I tried to hint at the subject last week, and said that having an alarm clock on the weekends is a bit excessive (he puts a 9am alarm on both Saturday and Sunday to get any backlog of work done before his day) and this also makes him really sleepy during the day. I managed to convince him to trial turning off his alarm during weekends to see if it improves his overall tiredness. But i have never expressed my feelings that I wish he'd be a bit more proactive in our relationship.

I am not sure how much it is a question of fairness or unfairness - some people are just different that way. But I understand how it makes you feel.

Pushing him or making him pressured could definitely backfire, so avoid that.

But perhaps gentle and polite talking about the issue may help better than dropping hints (most people are not great at mind-reading). Something like: I like how you appreciate me organising our dates. I know it is not your thing as much as it is mine. However, even if it is not 50/50, it would be really nice if you organised something even if occasionally.

(But make sure it comes across not as a criticism but as a constructive suggestion).

After that perhaps simply reduce your own initiative. Let there be some void and see if he might fill it. I can tell you that he probably won't fill much of it, and mos def don't expect a 50/50. From what it looks like to me, you will still be doing most of the planning; but he could chip in a little bit here and there.

As for him being tired or work-logged at the weekends, don't spend every weekend with him, and surely not all of it. Occasionally, give him a generous amount of time to himself - then he'll miss you more for the next time.

Unfortunately the dating phase is the observation phase not the fix and changing and negotiating phase. He's more chill about plans and appreciates that you enjoy doing that, so? If you enjoy it do it.

Resist the urge to fix, change or mommy him regarding his drinking, alarm clock or tiredness. Observe what you see and take note. Pull back and see if he steps up when you stop planning and micromanaging.

He always shows he is grateful, so I feel fulfilled in that respect which encourages me to keep organizing fun things. He also often goes to after work drinks with his colleagues towards the end of the week, which leaves me with a very tired and hungover boyfriend most weekends

I am not sure how much it is a question of fairness or unfairness - some people are just different that way. But I understand how it makes you feel.

 

Pushing him or making him pressured could definitely backfire, so avoid that.

 

But perhaps gentle and polite talking about the issue may help better than dropping hints (most people are not great at mind-reading). Something like: I like how you appreciate me organising our dates. I know it is not your thing as much as it is mine. However, even if it is not 50/50, it would be really nice if you organised something even if occasionally.

(But make sure it comes across not as a criticism but as a constructive suggestion).

 

After that perhaps simply reduce your own initiative. Let there be some void and see if he might fill it. I can tell you that he probably won't fill much of it, and mos def don't expect a 50/50. From what it looks like to me, you will still be doing most of the planning; but he could chip in a little bit here and there.

 

As for him being tired or work-logged at the weekends, don't spend every weekend with him, and surely not all of it. Occasionally, give him a generous amount of time to himself - then he'll miss you more for the next time.

Thank you for this.

That's the thing. I have been spending most weekends with him. The weekend is our 'quality time' we get. But he's often run down and tired from the week and that is what is disappointing.

I don't mind about the frequency that we see each other, but rather just the quality of that time. He's super busy during week days so we hardly see each other during the week (last week not at all, this week once- because i booked something!)

And then comes the weekend, I guess we make up for our lack of meeting up during the week, and we spend the ENTIRE weekend together. But with no plan (unless i've organized something...). Literally from Saturday mid-morning until Sunday late at night. But maybe you are right. Maybe I need to dial it back for the weekend, and see if that gives him a bit of initiative to organize stuff with me during the week more.

Unfortunately the dating phase is the observation phase not the fix and changing and negotiating phase. He's more chill about plans and appreciates that you enjoy doing that, so? If you enjoy it do it.

 

Resist the urge to fix, change or mommy him regarding his drinking, alarm clock or tiredness. Observe what you see and take note. Pull back and see if he steps up when you stop planning and micromanaging.

I do enjoy it, I really do. It's just that tiny part of me that wants to feel appreciated in the same way.

I know he thinks a lot of me, he's thoughtful in nature. Sends me poetry sometimes, or a thoughtful text message that would brighten my day. Does that kind of stuff often, which i adore.

But it is just so frustrating when we meet up in person and I'm full of energy like an excitable puppy, and he looks as if he has not slept for weeks. It's a bit of a buzz kill, and I've been observing and waiting for that phase to end (hoping it is just a phase). But what if it doesn't Maybe i need to take a step back in organizing things and see if he will fill the void. Maybe I haven't done that yet in the last 6 months because I fear that if i do, the likely scenario is he will not be bothered to step up and to do anything and I'll be left disappointed.

I don't know...I think that planning and organizing is clearly your skill..it's what you bring to the relationship and he enjoys that. I don't know that you should hold back and see if he'll do it. I think that will build up your resentment. He has shown you that that's not how he is. He's not an organizer. But it's really great that he loves when you do that and you guys always have a great time. That's key. Imagine if he didn't want to do that stuff with you!

So organizing fun activities is what you bring to the relationship, don't expect it of him.

Now ask yourself....what does he bring to the relationship?

Agree that you are over-saturating the weekends and setting yourself to feel taken for grated by spending too much time together on weekends. Don't make dating a regimented chore and schedule he has to do every single weekend.

Step back, maybe he would rather sleep or just chill or relax on weekends than have to go by your busy itinerary? Plan other things on weekends sometimes rather than smother. Do stuff with friends or family, give him a breather.

I'm full of energy like an excitable puppy, and he looks as if he has not slept for weeks. It's a bit of a buzz kill

I can relate to every angle of this. I am your bf, works too much and looks forward to down time on the weekends. I think I know how he feels if every moment of his life is scheduled for him.

It can be overwhelming.

My bf is not much of a planner. He insists he doesn't have good ideas. I have a sense that his last gf of 8 years planned everything for him.

Him having to come up with ideas is foreign to him.

When he does I am sure to reinforce his efforts. I tell him how much I enjoyed that he came up with the idea and how enjoyable it was. In return he is planning more,

It's been a slow process.

I think you get more out of focusing and reinforcing the things you do like, then you do pointing out the things you don't.

He might appreciate a quiet day hanging out. You might give him the gift of a day alone to just rest or be ok with cooking dinner at home and a movie.

It's about being sensitive to meeting both your needs.

I would also back off slightly doing all the planning. It will be a slow subtle shift with the balance of giving him time to catch his breath,

encouraging his efforts when he does and dialing back being the event coordinator, a shift might occur.

Agree that you are over-saturating the weekends and setting yourself to feel taken for grated by spending too much time together on weekends.

 

Step back, maybe he would rather sleep or just chill or relax on weekends than have to go by your busy itinerary? Plan other things on weekends sometimes rather than smother. Do stuff with friends or family, give him a breather.

Thanks for the feedback about weekends! That is probably right. Coincidentally I am booked up all of Saturday with my friends for the weekend coming, so that will make a change to our usual pattern.

@charity. You are right, I thought more about this in the last 10 mins or so since I posted. I do like planning myself, I am good at it, so why would it bother me? And I thought maybe it's not so much his lack of initiative in planning that bothers me, as it is his tiredness. I had a think, I can't remember the last time we met him where he didn't look as if he was about to fall over from tiredness. Maybe that just intensifies the impression of him I've gotten as lacking in initiative. I get disappointed when he's always tired. I got annoyed last weekend when he all he wanted to do was take naps together.

As for what he brings to the table: well we have a very healthy physical relationship, great chemistry and intimacy, he is loyal, trusting, a good person, we both enjoy food together, films etc. And, it is good I guess that he likes doing the things that I book!

But yeah. I think it's just the perpetual tiredness I find difficult to deal with! I get frustrated. And then I think I'm being unreasonable, so I don't say anything. Other than when I tried to advise him on his weekend alarm.

@reinventmyself- thank you! Any advice on how to gently tell him I'd like him to be less perpetually tired (not always, just sometimes) or will I just come across as pushy?

I dated a workaholic for a year. Of course work is of utmost importance, but there's a huge difference of someone having a good or high work ethic versus being a workaholic. I learned that when work is a priority, overriding what should be a healthy balance of people also being a priority, that the partner of the workaholic ends up frustrated an unfulfilled.

I'm assuming you are in the honeymoon period of a newer relationship. I don't think you can expect a partner to be exactly like you, as far as planning unique things to do. It might not be their thing to think outside of the box, and they might find it stressful if you ask them to do so. Either leave it alone or risk it and say, "This weekend, can you do the planning of what we do? I'm in the mood for something out of the ordinary, that doesn't involve dinner or a movie."

As far as his being tired on the weekends, in that case, I do know how you feel. When I dated my workaholic (he worked 76 hours a week), if we watched t.v. on the couch on a weeknight, he'd fall asleep by 9. On the weekends, he had no energy and on Sunday, would sleep until noon or 1 and then wake up with a headache. In your case, I do think you have a right to speak up in this regard. Tell him it's putting a damper on things when he's tired while with you on the weekend. Tell him you want to come up with a solution. Could he forego the drinks once a month with colleagues so he can be awake for you one Saturday a month? Could he forego his backlog of work on Sunday and sleep in a little to be awake for you on that day?

If he's not willing, when the honeymoon period is over, you may get tired of the situation, and realize that work will always be his priority, not you, and is that okay with you? If you're not happy in the present, never stick around hoping for change in the future, because people's ethics and priorities rarely change unless an epiphany happens.

The workaholic actually broke up with me, while I had been waiting for change after pining for the honeymoon period. At the time I didn't know it, but he actually did me a favor, because 9 months later, I met my future husband who made me a priority, and we've done so many fun things together because he has a high work ethic, but he's not a workaholic, and has energy to enjoy leisure time with me. I am the planner, and though I wish he could be creative in that manner, he's not. It's not fantasyland where everyone will do exactly as you wish all the time, but a person not being a good planner is not a deal breaker, whereas the fact that I was not a priority with the workaholic should've been a deal breaker for me, which I didn't realize while in the throes of the relationship.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

But yeah. I think it's just the perpetual tiredness I find difficult to deal with! I get frustrated. And then I think I'm being unreasonable, so I don't say anything. Other than when I tried to advise him on his weekend alarm.

 

@reinventmyself- thank you! Any advice on how to gently tell him I'd like him to be less perpetually tired (not always, just sometimes) or will I just come across as pushy?

I get you are excited to see your bf and when he's not running at 100% can be frustrating.

But seeing that this man, despite his exhaustion has to set an alarm to work on his days off suggests he has a lot of demands on him.

Your voicing your displeasure would seem insensitive and like just another demand.

Unless I am missing something this is out of his control.

HIs job is not a choice, it's an obligation. You however are a choice.

So, how do you get this man rested and ready to meet you at your energy level? Give him the gift of rest and do so not

to be to manipulative, but to be genuinely concerned about his comfort and in turn you should be rewarded.

It's good you have plans coming up. It will be a great opportunity to see if some time alone to just veg might recharge his batteries.

If it does then you are on to something.

If what you are doing isn't working, do something different. Cut back the marathon weekends and maybe see him one weeknight instead.

I know I appreciate time to myself. Without it, I am no fun

If you want him less tired then actually give him a chance to rest. In other words, change things up a bit - go out with your friends during the day on Saturday, do whatever you need to do to burn your own energy, meet him up in the evening and maybe cook dinner together and netflix and chill for the night. Give him whole weekends off entirely. No plans, no places to go to or be at. Spending the whole entire weekend together every single weekend isn't quality time, it's quantity time and quantity time gets frustrating even in the best of relationships. You start to get on each other's nerves just because.

I have been on the needy side, but I can also relate to being cornered with many activities. I have patches where there is a lot of work, and by the time I'm done, I am so spent I don't have energy for high-energy activities. At least some rest is very important - in the form of active rest, but also in the form of quiet rest reading a book and couch-potatoing.

You seem to have very high energy, while he doesn't. I don't suggest that you should give it up and only couch potato ever at all. But coming together in the middle I think could help a lot. That way he doesn't get too drained and will continue to look forward to your time together

"He prioritizes work above everything else"

no, he doesn't because he joins you in those plans you make in advance so obviously he wouldn't even agree to plan in advance if that was the case. Be careful not to exaggerate who he is and what he's about. You may have to be the main planner. What attributes does he bring to the table that you are not as good at?

"He prioritizes work above everything else"

 

no, he doesn't because he joins you in those plans you make in advance so obviously he wouldn't even agree to plan in advance if that was the case. Be careful not to exaggerate who he is and what he's about. You may have to be the main planner. What attributes does he bring to the table that you are not as good at?

He naps better than me

Haha, just kidding, he has other qualities too....... he is a better cook than me and creative in a way that helps me with my work. I admire those qualities.

All this is really good advice and has made me think a lot, so thanks.

@Dancingfool I'm going to do that. But based on what happened last time i tried that, it seemed that it's more of a lifestyle thing problem. I.e. Just simply giving him a few hours breather or a whole day doesn't seem to work, I once busied myself on Saturday for the entire day - on purpose - as we had a big night planned Sat night which involved dancing and i was looking forward to this and wanted him to have the energy to dance. He napped on and off all day. Come the night, I could not believe despite all the sleeping during the day he STILL wanted to go home and crash after dinner and drinks. No dancing at all. This was a couple of months ago. We actually had a small argument after and we both apologized after for not seeing each other's perspective. But i guess that's why I don't want to confront him about this again unless it is in a very diplomatic way.

Pretzel, might the Five Love Languages be a good fit here for helping to meld approaches?

Genuinely rooting for you!

Pretzel, might the Five Love Languages be a good fit here for helping to meld approaches?

 

Genuinely rooting for you!

You are a mind reader! I just ordered this book this week and it's on my desk now waiting to be read.

Fresh out of college, I was working insane hours. A day of napping would do little to restore me to be honest, so I can see why he is tired still. Besides that, some people simply don't have that kind of energy to begin with. Anyway, try to give each other more space and see if you can burn your own energy elsewhere and keep things with him a bit more low key more often. It might help, it might not. At least it's worth a try.

I was on the phone to him this evening and I called just as he was telling his family about how great what i organised last night was. He actually said 'i was just telling them i should start taking you to some things that are just as fantastic'. And i thought what a coincidence, given this thread just a couple of days ago!! So i was a bit taken aback and just laughed, not knowing what to say. And then i asked if he wants to hang out later, as I'd be busy for most of the weekend. He said he needs to lie down. I then asked if i can nap with him and he said he prefers to be alone and just zone out. Afterwards, I felt uncool for asking, starting to wonder if i'm too needy and questioning my relationship behaviour. Bummer.

Suffocating leads to first disinterest then death. Stop inviting yourself over and encroaching on his space. If he wanted to ask you over he would have, no?

This may have been mentioned already, but he may suffer from "low energy" which could be caused by a number of things. Exhaustion for one, run down or it could be a medical issue. Has he seen a doctor? The reason I say that is because it's weird that after sleeping all day, after your night when you got home, he wanted to go to sleep again. To me that's not normal, I think he should see a doctor if he hasn't already.

I think I just, perhaps wrongly, compare it to how he was in the first few weeks of dating where he was excited to see me ALL the time and always wanted me around several nights/days in a row. And now, well he actually wants space and downtime without me sometimes, doesn't want to see me every single day and i read too much into it.

It's hard not to take personally, or am I the only one to think that? He doesn't know I've read this much into it tonight. I keep my crazy to myself most of the time, talked to a friend, who said I should chill out.

This may have been mentioned already, but he may suffer from "low energy" which could be caused by a number of things. Exhaustion for one, run down or it could be a medical issue. Has he seen a doctor? The reason I say that is because it's weird that after sleeping all day, after your night when you got home, he wanted to go to sleep again. To me that's not normal, I think he should see a doctor if he hasn't already.

I've suggested this before. He says it is just his work life balance, which 'will get better'.

I wonder if this is also has something to do with it: He is on medication (this particular med for the past year) to manage bipolar 2. Looked up side effects and tiredness is one. He admits he used to be more sparky prior. I told him he should probably make a follow up appointment to report how he's doing and discuss any potential side effects. He says he will. Another thing he says he "will" do. I said it once, and that's all I can do. I don't like to pester - because then i'd be sounding like mom again. (as @wiseman said- best not to nag him and micromanage).