I'm lost

Sorry if this gets too long but I haven't posted in awhile so here it goes.

I have been having so many issues during the past 12 years of my life that it has gotten to a point where I don't know what it is that I want or how I want to live the rest of my life not knowing what's going to happen.

So many failures in my life so many dramas and baggages and emotional pain during the past 12 years and it has not even gone any better this wasn't who I was this wasn't who I am I don't know who I am I don't know what I am anymore I don't know what it is I want for myself anymore all I feel like is to pick up and just leave where to I don't know I want to get away from it all I want to be away from it all I'm sick and tired of living the way I'm living now not knowing how the rest of my life is going to be not knowing where my life is headed or the way it's going to look like so in other words yes I am a lost completely lost. And I'm only 36 soon-to-be 37 that itself is almost hitting the milestone for me.

I have a really good friend that has helped me in every way possible as far as being there for me as a very good friend and even though their work schedule is hectic and has a family of his own he still makes time to listen to my crap. And I'm very grateful to have them as a friend in my life.

I take a look at people around me people I know few friends I know either or married popping babies and I don't have any of that and I know for a fact that I'm way overdue for any of it just because I don't know what the hell it is I'm doing anymore. I know it should be a joyous time for these people but I know but it's really kicking me hard not knowing I'm but I'm never going to have it myself why because I don't want it.

On Sunday we had a family get-together with my cousin and his family they came over to our house at my parents house for lunch. Coming home picking up lunch my cousin's wife just blurted out she was expecting her second child. And I wanted to say that I literally don't give a damn what happens in your personal life. How am I my suppose to be happy or show any type of excitement towards any news.

The fact that I can't hold down a job really bothers the hell out of me, the fact that I can't have a steady relationship with my emotional instability in life has made it three times harder, I want to be able to have a life of my own and I can't why because I am on disability and don't make enough income, I have medical problems that I have not seen medical attention for a couple of things. I am having a hard time finding Dr's for medical attention I need to seek, some of them don't even take insurance. Which is driving me crazy.

I have my emotional instability that take meds for which I haven't took for a week. Because I need to get adjustments for I can't find anyone that take both my insurance. I got these meds when I was in group therapy that provided the psychiatrist at the center and she does not have an office of her own. I don't want to go back to see her not happy with her . I've been calling around I've lost hope in it all.

When it comes to dating I guess I m gonna have to say I have commitment issues. And having a hard time getting along with people. To sum it all up. I'm literally never been this lost before. I feel like 4 years of my life was wasted when my grandmother was here she finally went back to her home country a week ago and now there is this big and empty void.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Literally dont.

Welcome to my boat.

I feel the exact same as you, on disability and still living at home and don't drive. Ten years gone which consisted mostly of my twenties with one guy who I thought I would grow old with. Now dating and feeling more confused then ever because the dating is weird and I feel like I lost me with my ex.

I think we have these expectations when we are younger that we should be married by this date and age.

We have to realize that this isn't how life works and be hopeful the day will come when your life sorts itself out for the best.

I say be happy for those around you. Your day will come in the sun and you'll want their blessings for you.

I say take time to figure yourself out and not be hard on yourself either.

Lisa

It's not a good idea to just stop taking your meds, you need to wean off of them or have the dosage or type of med changed, and that needs to be monitored. Does your insurance plan have a website that lists providers? That's one place to start. Another is your general MD or gynecologist, who you don't need to go see, you can call their office for a referral to a Psychiatrist who takes your plan. They may need to research and call you back. Meanwhile, I'd also consider resuming your group therapy and seeing the roaming doc until you can find someone who practices locally.

It's also natural to feel out of sorts during a transition, such as a guest leaving, so don't be hard on yourself. Consider making a list of potential projects or activities you want to take on. It can include something mundane, such as cleaning out a closet or set of drawers, or it can be creative, such as an art project or an event to visit. The point is to place your focus on something constructive, and the act of doing something--anything--can help you process emotions while making progress on one small thing. Every small feeling of accomplishment is an enjoyable baby step.

And yes, the act of generosity in making someone else feel good about their news can help you actually feel good. Remind yourself that someone else's successes don't deprive you of any potential for your own successes. If you lock your mind on a negative statement, like "that can never happen for me..." you train your brain to view the world through that lens, and you color everything in your life according to that negativity--which makes it true for you. I find it helpful to avoid viewing happy successes as a big piece of pie, where someone else having a slice means there's less left for me. Just the opposite is true--other people's successes are a demonstration of what is possible. Viewing it that way allows me to compare myself less and thrive more.

Head high, and write more if it helps.