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I think I ruined a girl's soul, maybe even her life


Arpheus

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I am 34 years-old now, and what I will tell you happened when me and the girl in question were 19. Back then, I was in the first year of Faculty, and there was this girl who was obsessed with me, deep in love with me. And she was everything I could have wanted: incredibly beautiful according to my standards - which are very high, intelligent, cultivated, sincere, kind-hearted, plus many other important qualities. In short, she seemed to be the perfect match for me. And I rejected her and crushed her, for basically one simple reason, which a lot of people would consider more than stupid, but it was too valid for me. The reason was, if I go deep enough, pride. All the reasons I had for ignoring her boil down to this one. Because I've been hurt and humiliated by two girls in highschool, and I became very misogynistic after that, and I swore to myself I'd never love anyone again, and that I would have my revenge somehow one day...

 

Anyway, about this girl: from the very beginning, from the first days of school, after she saw me, I noticed her because she was so beautiful, and she was also looking at me quite insistently, and she came to me, kinda shy and attentive, she talked so nicely and so open with me, I felt her honesty quite deeply, I rarely felt a girl being so honest with me up until her! We had so many things in common, starting with music and ending with... I don't know, literature and philosophy probably. And I remember her smile and her delicacy, and her tenderness, and the warm look in her eyes, the way she was looking at me. I remember she came one day and sat next to me when we were all alone in a classroom, there was a sunny afternoon, and she took my hand and kissed it affectionately and then put her head on my chest holding my hand above her heart - which here in my country is a very old way in which a girl says in a non-verbal manner that she offers herself completely to that guy. It's like her saying "I am yours, I give myself to you 100%, take me and do with me what you want". That is what it means in our culture. It's like when a dog puts his head (or mouth) on the foot/shoe of a person, it means it accepts that person as his definitive master. When she did that, I was shocked, because I understood what she meant, and nobody ever did that before, so, under the spell of the moment, I took her in my arms, and held her, and caressed her... and I felt like she was literally melting of pleasure... and she kissed my hand again and rubbed her head on my chest. I liked her so much, it's true, she was so very beautiful, and she seemed like the most innocent being on this earth during those moments, but at the same time, I also started feeling the urge for revenge. I didn't love her, I actually began to experience a sadistic satisfaction in ignoring her and playing with her heart. I couldn't wait for someone to fall in love with me like that, so that I can exact my revenge and get even. Plainly put, she was the scapegoat I needed. And in the end, she cried after I humiliated her in public.

 

So, soon after I met her and got to know her a little, I plotted my plan. I never told her much, never gave her a straight answer to her indirect questions about me and her having a relationship. Neither a "yes" nor a "no". Whenever she asked me out, I either told her "no" or I accepted and then never showed up. Whenever she wanted to talk to me - which was kinda daily, I first accepted, and then dismissed her arrogantly. To be 100% honest, I intentionally let her drown in incertitude, and I jubilated deep inside at the fact that I could toy with her, and mess with her emotions. As soon as I realized she was serious - after that gesture she did, the one I mentioned above - I said to myself "Hahaha, my time has finally come! And look with whom! With the girl who is both physically and spiritually the woman of my dreams. Well, payback time now! It's gonna be YOU who's gonna pay for the wrong those two other girls did to me! There is justice in the world for me too!" Eventually, I got tired of her and got annoyed by the fact that she always wanted to be around me and trying to attract me to her, and after this game lasted for months and she waited the whole year for a sign from me or something, she ultimately approached me in public again, looking very sour and fragile and sad, and... and I took advantage of that and I talked to her so rudely, like she was nothing but a stalker and a scum. And then I noticed she couldn't hold back her tears anymore, she went pale, she started trembling, and she walked away. And everyone was looking at us.

 

When I saw her crying, at first I felt an immense feeling of satisfaction and victory, like I had been healed or something. And immediately after that, I felt guilty. Because I realized I wounded her deeply without her deserving it. After she left, I stood for a moment, confused, and the first thought that popped in my head was "You hurt this poor girl who never did you any wrong, on the contrary. She wasn't guilty of anything, she's not like the ones who harmed you, and now look what you did to her."

 

I remember I called her out loud the ugliest words in my language, which I cannot write here because it would go against the forum rules. I told her she was dirty, sick, in need of treatment, syphilitic, and all the other obscene words referring to a woman's genitals, I think you understand... And I said it all shouting, so that it would mutilate her soul...

 

I never saw her after that. I don't know what happened to her, I forgot about her completely. And a few weeks ago, a woman stopped me in the street. She said "Hi (my name)" and I gazed at her for a few moments and eventually realized it was her. She was looking way older than most women look at 33/34 years old, and also somewhat devastated. We chatted for about 2 or 3 minutes, I swear I don't remember what we talked about, I was too surprised both to see her again, considering it's been about 14 years since I last saw her that evening back then, and also to see her looking so... badly, considering how stunningly beautiful she was back then. Or at least that's how she seemed to me. I just remember that in the end she said "You know, I always...." and then she looked at me in such a way that I got terrified. I couldn't explain what I saw in her eyes, but she was looking at me like... I had raped her, or worse. She had that look... like... an animal who doesn't understand why he's being tortured... like in those videos with animal cruelty when they're in agony, something like that... And it scared me. And then she left.

 

I don't know what to make of this, but I lost days over it. What do you people think about this? About her, about what I did to her, about what happened back then in faculty between me and her, about the way she looked at me that day? Am I really such a bad person? I don't remember having intended to hurt her THAT badly... I definitely am sorry, but what do you think about her? Did she really suffer all these years just because of me? Cause that was my immediate thought. Her eyes, the way she looked at me horrified me! Why did she look at me like that? No one ever looked at me like that, ever!

 

I couldn't sleep properly ever since, I keep thinking about her, and I'm afraid that I damaged her badly... I am so very sorry for what I did, I feel awful, I feel dirty and guilty, but I cannot change it, and I would like to know what really happened inside her soul/heart, and what should I do now?

 

I decided to post my story here, if it's not the appropriate place for it then I'm sorry. But I think you understand I couldn't create this thread under "Relationships"...

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The fact that you feel so much remorse is a good thing, I think. It tells me you have worked through at least some of your anger. You can't be solely to blame for the way her life went. Although you hurt her, she made her own life choices over the past 15 years.

 

Forgive yourself, and do what you can for her. If you are a praying person, you can pray for her. If you believe in good vibes, send her some. You can't change what happened, but you can be good to the people around you going forward.

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It sounds like you posted in the right forum. Have you been in relationships since this? Agree you made your choices in life and she made hers so you are not responsible for her life for the past 1.5 decades.

I decided to post my story here, if it's not the appropriate place for it then I'm sorry. But I think you understand I couldn't create this thread under "Relationships"...
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But it was all my fault. I took my revenge on the wrong person! I intentionally hurt her badly, and I can't imagine what she's been through, I can only assume she suffered terribly... and it was me who made her suffer like that. And besides, she was really one of the most wonderful beings I have ever seen, both physically and spiritually, and I took advantage of her weakness - if I may call it like that - and crushed her. I abused an innocent being who did nothing wrong but love me... And now I feel I also destroyed myself too by doing that...

 

I feel the need to help her somehow, but I have no idea where she is. I would like to beg her to forgive me if she can, but I'm afraid that even if I do that, it would open her old wounds...

 

To be 100% honest, I think and feel that I deserve to be punished for what I did.

 

@Wiseman: yes, I have been in relationships since, but last year in summer the girlfriend I had was jailed and died in prison, and that affected me, and now with this - seeing the old girl - it made things worse for me, to the point I can barely sleep...

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But it was all my fault. I took my revenge on the wrong person! I intentionally hurt her badly, and I can't imagine what she's been through, I can only assume she suffered terribly... and it was me who made her suffer like that. And besides, she was really one of the most wonderful beings I have ever seen, both physically and spiritually, and I took advantage of her weakness - if I may call it like that - and crushed her. I abused an innocent being who did nothing wrong but love me... And now I feel I also destroyed myself too by doing that...

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But it was all my fault. I took my revenge on the wrong person! I intentionally hurt her badly, and I can't imagine what she's been through, I can only assume she suffered terribly... and it was me who made her suffer like that. And besides, she was really one of the most wonderful beings I have ever seen, both physically and spiritually, and I took advantage of her weakness - if I may call it like that - and crushed her. I abused an innocent being who did nothing wrong but love me... And now I feel I also destroyed myself too by doing that...

 

I'm not kidding. Get over yourself. You may think that hating yourself is somehow doing something good for her but it isn't. You are extremely self focused and self centered. Obsessing on your power over her and her own since of well being is just you being self involved. It was 14 years ago. I assume you don't treat people like that any more. So you both learned something. You getting your panties in a twist about this is just an excuse to pay attention to yourself. Negative attention... but that negative attention implies you are powerful and important... and to put it simply, you aren't. This woman is in charge of her own soul and her own life. The only person you have power over is yourself. Did you hurt her? Sounds like it. Was it 14 years ago? no doubt about it. Are you focusing on her because in some strange way it makes you feel powerful? My guess is yes.

 

So yeah, get over yourself.

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It's not at all easy to get over this, nor to forgive myself or to imagine that what I did was no big deal. I am feeling a lot of remorse, and I am kinda scared that this woman might do something stupid. Of course I am self-focused and self-centered, aren't we all? Unless we suffer from extremely low self-esteem, and I rather present traits of narcissism, yes. And in real life I now run 3 firms, not big ones, but it's a realization that not many people in my town have achieved. And yes, I have had trouble with the law, like tax evasion and economical borderline-legal stuff, and because I am slick, cunning and relentless, and I have good lawyers, I couldn't be stopped. So here where I live, in real life, yes, you could say I am powerful and important. But life punished me in other areas: last summer the girlfriend I had was jailed and died in prison, and ever since my business started going from bad to worse, cause I couldn't endure her loss...

 

I'm focusing on her because seeing her like that scared me and made me feel like a rotten bastard, that is why... Not at all powerful, but rather disgusted with myself. Of course I hurt her, and I feel the need to make amends, and since I cannot, because I don't know where she is, so I cannot help her somehow. This woman was in charge of her life until she put her life in my hands 14 years ago. So yes, I am responsible for what I did to her, and if she does something stupid, it will be - at least partially - my fault!

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I think honestly, that yes you hurt her badly, kind of no doubt about that. BUT I don't think you can share all of the blame, because someone who was not already damaged in some way prior to knowing you, would not have put up with your mistreatment to begin with. Most would have seen you had serious issues with women, may even have told you off about it or done something horrid back to you, and moved on. I think in her case she had abuses prior to your treatment of her and I think life hasn't been kind to her in general. When she saw you again, she remembered the pain you'd put her through, but it was a pain that was only partly your doing.

 

Does that make any sense? If you feel that badly about it, which is actually a good sign BTW, then why not try and look her up and send her an apology that you know what you did is wrong, that you yourself had been hurt and were afraid of being hurt again, and that you never meant to cause her or anyone that much pain.

 

And then you move on with your life, smarter, sadder, hopefully containing more empathy and understanding of both yourself and the human condition.

 

Sometimes time helps us with this. But really, I think that it wasn't just you that hurt this girl. If it had been that, surely there were plenty of others along the way to tell her she was beautiful, to show her love. That she was so set on you, even with you mistreating her, tells me she already was used to abuse and felt that was the only thing she deserved. Or she'd have rightfully burned you to the ground, either back then or when she met you again.

 

I'm not saying that to let you off the hook, only to point out I don't think you were the entire issue in this girl's life. That you alone didn't make life bad for her or cause her pain or who knows what else.

 

But if you see her or you can find her on Facebook, please send an apology. Don't expect anything in return, be fully prepared for a very loud very large blowback from her even, which she might do now being slightly empowered.

 

Just do it, because it will put an end to this then go on about your life. Remember, we all get chances in life to change the path we're on. There is no such thing as too late, not really. So take this as a wakeup call and one way or another, let some good come out of it.

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@ Matt3939:

 

"Cultivated" means - for me, in my understanding - "full of culture", academic culture, that is. I simply mean "very well-educated", like a scholar, a person with very good grades and who read many books, very open-minded, very spiritually-elevated. With a lot of universitary potential, so to speak.

 

@ rosephase:

 

Yes, of course I am self-centered and I have narcissistic traits. For me, it's the most natural thing in the world, and I honestly think it's the same - to a certain degree - for anybody, except probably the people with extremely low self-esteem, very shy, insecure people.

 

I can see you are trying to punish me somehow by telling me I am not important, you scratch my ego here, yeah, it's OK, I know I deserve worse than that, but the truth is that in real life, since I graduated, I have created 3 firms, I am well-known in my town, so socially speaking, I actually am an important and powerful person, even if only locally.

 

I am focusing on her because having seen her like this, and knowing what I did to her, made me feel like a rotten bastard, not powerful. I told you, she scared me with the manner in which she looked at me. It made me realize I was no better than a psychological criminal because of how I treated her. And I want to make some amends, to correct the wrong I did to her, but I cannot, since I have no idea of her whereabouts...

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A healthy woman, with a good level of self esteem, would have written you off as a waste of space the moment you started messing her around. The fact that she wanted anything to do with you suggests that she came from a background where abuse and rejection were familiar, and she probably carried this vulnerability into her adult life, too. My guess is that her wounds were already there before you stuck your own knife in.

 

Sure, she probably remembers you as a douchebag - but please don't over-dramatise your effect on her...! You really aren't that significant in the general scheme of things, honest!

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As the saying goes, "we reap what we sow." Either way, I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel remorse, and continued to treat others in the same way. This is not to say what you did was right, but you can forgive yourself, learn the lesson and treat people the same way you'd like to be treated.

 

Another way to look at it is, she may have learned a valuable lesson, as well.

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You have made this alllllll about you. You are not worried for her sake . If you were you would have apologized. But you didn't. All you were worried about was she was not this shinning Goddess anymore as somehow the soul is tied to physical

beauty.

 

Stop. You don't feel guilty. If you were you would have felt that 14 years ago.

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With all due respect, don't you think that the believing her sun still sets and rises because of you, is just repackaged narcissism?

So, you're all telling me I'm not that guilty as I feel, and that I shouldn't blame myself so much for what happened? I honestly tell all of you that I had serious trouble sleeping ever since I saw her a few weeks back...!
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I apologize for not being able to answer in detail to all of you who have posted here, I tried several times, but after writing my post I only got a message saying that my post won't be visible until after a moderator had approved it. I'll try again now, and I hope I will succeed.

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I think your guilt has made you overblow this in your own mind, and you're scared you really did scar this woman completely and utterly only on your actions. But the level of doing that is usually reserved for far, far worse actions than you simply having been a massive jerk to a young woman. I don't see you as being egotistical, but you are scared you've hurt someone irreparably. Which is understandable, but what you did honestly, well it sounds like every you behaved pretty much like any other college douchebag I dated or nearly dated, for wont of a better description, when I was young. I've had a few guys treat me horribly and while it was upsetting at the time, trust me those guys paled in comparison to a whole host of other things done to me. The drunk driver who killed a close friend, that person has scarred me irreparably and I will never forgive him.

 

That's the level it takes to totally hurt someone forever. Or worse. And you didn't do anything on that level, so while it seems huge to you, and it hurt her, it's not a life-altering event for her the way you fear it was is all.

 

There are sometimes none quite so cruel as the young and inexperienced. It's healthy to admit you were a jerk, it's even healthier to want to do better now, and to make some sort of amends.

 

So find a way to make it right with yourself and move forward. What's done is done, like I suggested sending her a heartfelt apology, expecting nothing in return, and if it still bothers you maybe see a therapist about it, it will help.

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I didn't read every word, but I read enough. You're a narcissist, plain and simple. You get pleasure over hurting others, and the power it makes you feel. You come here and tell this story as if you really feel guilty, but you don't. You just want everyone to validate your feelings of power and confirm to you that you destroyed this poor girl's life, so that you can get a great big ego boost. You're very likely inflating your effect on her. And if you DID happen to destroy her, then that doesn't make you special - it just makes you exactly like every other run-of-the-mill jerk out there. You're common, not unique. Leave girls alone and figure out why you have this huge empty hole inside you that desperately needs to be filled up by hurting other people.

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Like I said in my previous post, I tried to reply to everyone who gave their input here, but my posts didn't show up yesterday, so I will do it now.

 

First of all, until I decided to post here in order to receive more opinions, I asked 3 people on Facebook, and their reactions were quite different. A 37-year-old woman whom I got along quite well with broke her friendship with me after reading my message, she answered nothing, she just removed me from her friend list, another guy said I did an thing and that I should do my best to make amends, and another one characterized me as a "psychopath with complete disregard for other people's feelings". He said I maimed the girl's heart, and that if she loses her sanity and ends up in the psychiatric ward, or if she does something stupid - like kill herself - it will be solely my fault. His answer scared me the most, and it was pretty much the reason I decided to ask for more opinions, hence the reason I started this thread on this site/forum.

 

As for most of the other posters, judging after their answers, I would say they simply didn't have the necessary empathy and sensibility to understand what I meant. Maybe I looked for answers in the wrong place.

 

It's difficult for me to understand how some of you arrived at the conclusion that it was no big deal, let alone that I was lying, like Hollyj claimed. Or that I don't care, like Seraphim said. This sad story is indeed about her (the girl) and me. If I genuinely hadn't cared, I wouldn't have created this account and confessed all of this to a bunch of complete strangers in the first place. Makes sense, doesn't it?

 

ParisPaulette - you were the only one who seemed to understand me. I found your answers to be the most comforting, and fair, and I thank you for that. Your words, your empathy and your attitude helped me feel less bitter, and now I will follow your suggestion and try to repair somehow what I did.

 

Well, all in all, I think I got enough answers, variegated indeed, so an Admin/Mod can close this thread. Thank you everyone for your opinions.

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It's great you are giving your permission to close the thread. And thanks for the insight that some respondents may have not had the empathy or sensitivity to understand someone as important as you.

As for most of the other posters, judging after their answers, I would say they simply didn't have the necessary empathy and sensibility to understand what I meant. I think I got enough answers, variegated indeed, so an Admin/Mod can close this thread.
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