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Thread: Hurting...and scared

  1. #1
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    Hurting...and scared

    Hi everyone,

    I apologize ahead of time for this incredibly long post but for everyone to truly understand the situation, I felt it was necessary. Here is my story:

    • I am 39 and she is 35 and we met almost 2 years ago. We are both divorced and we both have young daughters (me 6 and her almost 8 )
    • I have been carrying approx 20K of debt for the past 3-4 years (lots of legal fees during the divorce and having to use toll roads and having to use credit card because I wasnt able to manage my monthly bills
    • I have a decent paying full time career and she has a well paying career (she makes more than me but she knew this prior and was totally fine with it)
    • Our relationship has been amazing...we are so compatible and we loved every moment we spent with each other. I integrated well with her entire family and our daughters have gotten along extremely well...to a point that they keep saying they want to be sisters.
    • In the beginning it took my ex a while to really open up and become comfortable enough to introduce her daughter to me (being a single mother - she is very protective). I have been in her daughter's life (and my daughter in hers) for almost 1.5 years now
    • I was always very patient and just continued to be there for her and our relationship flourished.
    • I never aggressively worked on paying down my debt because I chose to spend all of my free time with her rather than working as much as I can to pay it down. She would bring this up quite often because without me clearing my debt we realistically could not move in together as she did not want the burden of having to manage all the finances while all my extra money went to interest and trying to pay off debt
    • I worked part time jobs but it was min, wage and not enough to drive down the debt significantly
    • I also stopped going to the gym and keeping myself busy and focusing on me because I just wanted to always spend time together with her (this was one of the things that she was attracted to in the beginning - the real care and focus that I put on my body and health)
    • she leads a very busy life and she would sometimes get annoyed that I am just at home constantly calling her and messaging her and a few times she pushed me to find things to do for me (gym, hobbies, go out with friends etc...)
    • throughout all of this though, we still loved each other and we continued to grow close and so did our kids. Our sex life was incredible as well
    • Last September she told me she needed time apart because she felt I was not taking my finances seriously and she she felt I just got very complacent in my life and she needed space to figure out what she wants
    • I fought hard to change her mind then and I came up with a plan to really aggressively pay down my debt (I approached someone about extra work which paid very well)
    • I showed her this plan and she got excited and we soon got back together again
    • that plan for extra money fell through and I was back at square 1
    • I found another part time job paying minimum wage but again - it hardly put a dent in my debt
    • between that time (October and recently - Feb), we continued to have a great relationship and sex life. She did still continue to ask me about my plan and what I am doing to work on the debt because its been so long and nothing has been done. I did not have an answer for her because I was so focused on just wanting to be the best partner to her and eventually best step dad to her daughter
    • I went away for a week for work mid Feb and she constantly messaged me and called me to say how much she loves me, misses me and cant wait for me to come home.
    • One thing about us is that we did not have a toxic relationship...we never fought/yelled (sure we had disagreements but we always talked them through maturely), there was no abuse of anykind, no cheating, no neglect or anything negative - it was always pure love and respect for each other
    • The night I came home (friday), she asked me again about what I am doing about my debt and finding ways to generate more income but I once again really had no answer to give her
    • the following Monday night I got a sweet goodnight message from her
    • The next morning I got a sweet good morning message from her
    • That evening (Feb 21st) I went to pick her up and she gave me a big kiss and then said we need to talk and that is when she said she doesnt think we should be together because of the finances thing, my lack of drive to focus on improving myself and looking for more ways to generate income than just a 9-5 and the other issues mentioned above
    • I had a plan where by the end of this month, I would be debt free but she did not want to hear any plans and was tired of feeling disappointed and believing my words (which she did in Oct of last year)
    • the next couple of days I called her and messaged her as I had so many questions and she was still sweet and sincere and said she misses me and hopes that my plans work out but she cant get her hopes high
    • she asked for space and for me to not message her and for me to just focus on being happy and focusing on myself and we can reconnect down the road and maybe things can work out
    • I wanted none of that (obviously) and I continued to try and convince her that I can change and how awesome she always said i was and how she always said she is so lucky to have me) - her responses started becoming more emotionless and she was getting kinda annoyed.
    • she has also been dealing with medical issues and her daughter with mental health issues and I have always been there to help and support both of them..I never thought of bailing.
    • she had a specialists appt on March 7th that she was very scared about so I decided to surprise her there because I wanted to be there for her. When she saw me, she had a big smile on her face (not a look like "what the hell are you doing here"). After the appointment I walked her to her car and we hugged tightly and she whispered how much she misses hugging me and I asked her if she still wants us and she said yes but she needs me to focus on myself and do it for me. We hugged again and then we kissed 3 times and she never once backed away. We both said I love you and she drove away. that night she even messaged me saying thanks for being there today.
    • I continued to message her for answers and stuff and it came to a head last tuesday when she said something to me and I stopped messaging immediately
    • Now, over the past few weeks, she has continuously said to me over text that she really does love me but just needs me to focus on me right now and while I do that, to give her space to do her thing
    • I called her this past Saturday after not reaching out since last Tuesday just to genuinely see how she was doing.
    • I have pinpointed the issues that led to her breaking up with me and I have come up with corrective actions (will be debt free by end of month, will have enough to start a legit savings account with minimum 2-3 months of salary in the bank, joined the gym to get back to what I love and put real focus on my body and signed up for online courses to upgrade me and learn new skills which I can eventually use down the road) - in a nutshell, really work on being the best version of me possible and I wanted to share all of this with her. We had a really good talk and she said she was very happy to hear that i am focusing on myself and when I asked her if she still wants us, she said she does but there is a fear that keeps on coming in - a fear that we can get back together today but who is to say that 3 or 4 months down the road it wont be back to square one (history will repeat itself). Also...she said that she is scared that if I have struggled with just looking after myself, how can she feel confident that I can look after multiple people if we all live together and not bring any of that financial stress into the household. She said that she wants to get back to us being happy but she just wants this fear to go away from her mind. She then said that hearing everything that I am doing makes her happy.
    • I messaged that same night just saying thank you for talking to me and I sent her screenshots showing that 75% of my debt was paid off and showing that I enrolled in online courses (proving to her that I wasnt just all talk and here is real life proof)
    • She responded saying that it was a good talk and she appreciated me sharing my progress with her and although my progress and her feelings are not an easy fix, she does feel that it puts us on a Positive path



    This past Monday (2 days ago) evening, she called me for something completely unrelated to us (her parents were going away and I had one of their suitcases and she just wanted to know when I would be able to drop it off on her porch)

    Of course, with my mind constantly working in overdrive, i started up the topic of us again and tried to continue to remind her of how amazing we are and how close our kids and families got and how im taking steps to changing and being better.

    Now, all of the times over the past few weeks, when we have spoken, I would always try and think back for key things she said but because in the moment, everything is going so fast and emotions are so high, I had a hard time remembering everything she said - which would eventually lead to my mind having more and more questions (such a vicious cycle). So, this time, I grabbed a notebook and pen and started making notes of EVERYTHING she said to me. As soon as she hung up, I started filling in the blanks off of memory while it was still fresh in my mind.

    So the first part of this post was my take on the whole situation. Here is, through her words, her true feelings and exactly where she is at right now:

    • I said that I just want to be here for her and help her overcome her fears about us because thats what I do - when I care for someone, I want to help them through their fears and stresses - especially when it has to do with me
    • she said that it is great that I am here to support but she needs her own time to figure out her fears and worries on her own without my influence. She hasnt acknowledged her issues on her own. This is what happened in September - she didnt listen to herself and listened to me and just went with it
    • this time alone is personal time and as sad as she is, she is also enjoying her personal time and she is finally being true to herself and that feels really good to her
    • She really liked and really appreciated that I listened to her (finally) and gave her time last week
    • She said she really liked my plan and what I want to do and feels that if I go and actually do what I need to do, she is gaining in that also
    • overly talking about everything leads her to be overly stressed and emotional and her chest started hurting a lot talking to me right now because she started feeling extremely anxious
    • I asked if she doubts my ability to truly make her happy and always have a smile on her face
    • she said that she doubts my ability to make her happy with financial things (decisions and planning) but does not doubt my ability to make her emotionally happy
    • she does not want to know the decisions that I am making only today
    • she needs to see something like 8 months (this number seemed arbitrary) down the road where I am at financially - what is my debt? savings?
    • it is not about the money (how much I make) but she needs to know that I can be financially responsible long term
    • finance can make and break relationships
    • she feels stress and tension everytime money and finances has come up between us
    • she can see herself being stressed even if we are happily married when there are serious financial stresses with no track record showing that I was able to effectively manage my past financial issues
    • Right now we can take a break but when we are married and have our kids all living together, we cannot. Its better we take a step back and re-think things
    • she is not in a mood to do a quick fix (meaning me paying off my debt this month and everything is all good again)
    • I said we dont need to rush anything and we can just take it day by day
    • she said our whole relationship was day by day and thats why we were so good because we didnt put too many expectations, but now, 2 years in, we just cannot do day by day anymore
    • these continuous conversations are tiring her out
    • she doesnt want to get to a point where is ignores my calls or does not answer my messages
    • I brought up the fact that when I said back in november and even last month that how would she feel if my debt was cut in half by March and she said she would feel amazing about it. I again explained to her my plan
    • she said that she understands everything I said I want to do and paying it off this month is a really great thing and im making really great moves
    • issue is not just the debt - the issue has always been me being financially responsible on my own
    • that is not something that she can witness or see right away
    • What she considers really truly showing Financial Responsibility - 6 or some months down the road (again another arbitrary number it seemed) how am I doing? What is my toll road bill like? What debt have I incurred? How much have I been able to comfortably save?
    • she believes we think differently - she does not think short term
    • feels like I am trying to tell her how to feel everytime I try and convince her of something
    • for her own sanity, the best thing to do is lets just not talk to each other at all because she doesnt know what the right thing to say is
    • feels that everytime we talk and she says something, I hold on to certain aspects or use certain things she says as "evidence" to throw back in her face the next time we talk (ie. you said this really great thing last time..why are u acting different now - stuff like that)
    • at the end of the day life will speak for itself and that is how she lives - she feels we are just different in that way
    • these phone calls literally break her heart in half and crush it because she feels that I am just looking for her to say certain things and she doesnt know what those things are and then she feels like she has to feel a certain way because she truly loves me and she hates the fact that I am feeling sad
    • as much as I am very good at knowing her, she feels I am not being the real me that she knows right now
    • the real me listens to her and knows what she just said and hears her out - not keeps questioning her
    • maybe one day our paths will allow us to be together again - she cant guarantee that and she cannot know that but that is where she is sitting right now in her life
    • she has told me all this 30 times and I am not being the real me who understands and listens
    • she does think I am making great moves but she doesnt want to get back into this pattern again (again - short term fix and not stick to it)
    • several months will show what the truth is about the moves I am making
    • She would rather wait it out
    • She does not want her kid dreaming of me as her dad and pull the carpet out beneath her yet another time - Her daughter already misses me like crazy
    • She has to be really really responsible and hold back a little bit
    • she feels that right now we are just going into a weird spiraling craziness that she doesnt like and taking this time apart just feels right to her
    • the reason she feels that we shouldnt talk at all is because it sounds like everything I have layed out is a huge program or plan which doesnt sound healthy to her.
    • I should just be living my life and doing what I need to for me
    • the minute that she feels or decides that she wants to start reaching out to me or start a conversation with me, we will see if life allows us to come back together again
    • She feels like I am holding on to a weird plan or timeline in my head and I should just let go of that for my own sake and well being and health
    • she needs that from me - otherwise its just this weird spiraling weird thing that is just happening and she feels like she is in a loop and everytime we have these convos, she cant get out of the loop
    • at that point, her only real feelings, because there is just too much going on, is that she doesnt want to talk to me at all - that is just how she gets when she is at that point
    • if we do have any consideration for friendship or health we should decide we dont continuously have these types of conversations because it really makes her feel worse
    • IF we do playdates for the girls, it is not with us there together
    • she doesnt want to be thinking about us, she doesnt want to be time-lining us or stressing
    • she doesnt want to do anything of those things as they just frustrate her and make her feel stressed/anxious/pressure
    • after our talk on Saturday, she felt really good and felt like I was going to work on my stuff (do my own thing) and then reach out to her after a few weeks - that is how she works (im pretty sure she doesnt want me to reach out after a few weeks anymore based on the fact that everything came up again today)
    • Constant calls, messages and scenarios frustrate her and she doesnt want to talk to me at all
    • as far as me being someone who doesnt give up on us, someone who is amazing and great and someone she can see her life with and all of those great things, she feels all of in her heart - they dont just disappear in one second - they stay there. She doesnt need me to tell her a thousand times
    • she is the kind of person when she trusts someone, she just trusts them and thats it
    • she does not need constant re-assurance. She is not that kind of person and she doesnt even function that way
    • if I told her that I have an idea what I want my life to be like and I have a direction that I want it to go, she is taking that as "Great! Go ahead and do that!"
    • If this is what I am saying (my "plan") then we will see in some time if thats what happens
    • not holding in her heart that we are going to be together or we are not going to be together - not letting herself set expectations of life and let everything play out as it is meant to
    • she says we are different that way - I should be like "you know what, who knows if im going to be with her" and just live my life
    • she feels that maybe I need to change that mindframe rather than just thinking about timelines and plans for us
    • she knows that I feel good about us - she really knows that in her heart
    • she knows I fight for her - these arent things she would ever question
    • she thinks maybe I need to fight for myself for what I want it to be and lets see how things go
    • she wants me to just believe and be in a good place and be grateful for everything I have - that is how she wants to live her life
    • when she feels frustration and annoyance and feels herself in that crazy weird loop again, she tells herself that she is not going to do that because there is a lot worse that can happen as a result and she doesnt know if there is a better or bigger plan in place for us
    • it makes her feel good to think that way

    Now, here is the final part of my post...here are my true fears and questions which I know I cannot get any answers to, but I cannot shake them from my head (and heart):

    • How does someone go from 100-0?
    o She loved our time together every day
    o We had such a strong physical (sexual) connection and emotional connection. She constantly told me how she has never felt so amazing and so close to anyone in her life (emotionally and intimately)
    o She would tell me almost every night how much she wishes I was there lying next to her
    o We would message each other all the time
    o She constantly told me how lucky she and her daughter are to have me in their life
    o All this wasn’t a long time ago – it was just last month
    o Even 2 weeks ago she kissed me and said how much she loves me and wants us but needs me to focus on me for now – not for us but for me
    o All of these were raw and true emotions – she has never been fake
    o Now she wants nothing to do with me – cold turkey and she is fine with that??
    • How can she not miss us?
    • She doesn’t miss all of the everyday things that we shared together?
    • She constantly tells me that she knows how truly amazing and selfless a man I am and have been and how she knows she will probably never find anyone like me and how rare my true qualities are. She also has said that I check off every single box for her when it comes to the person she wants to be with, except for the one box of financial responsibility/stability
    • How can she be totally fine with just us doing what we need to do and MAYBE one day we can be together?
    • I have constantly fought so hard for us and tried to show that im making real life changes for myself but she is not interested in what i have to say
    • I wish we could still be together as I improve on the things im working on and don’t know how to convince her or show her - allow us to grow stronger together
    • I miss my best friend and my daughter asks about her daughter all the time and its killing me because we both REALLY wanted to move in together and start a life together
    • The way it seems is that no matter how long it takes, she will not miss me or miss all of the amazing times (95% of the time) we shared and how close our kids and families grew – she will just force herself, whenever she starts feeling that, to ignore that feeling and think of something else (she said she just doesn’t want to think about us and let life dictate what happens down the road) – which will eventually lead to her losing all feeling for me and not seeing me in her future – even though I can show her I have grown and made real changes and improved my situation
    • All I want to do is talk to her and work together to fix the problems and become stronger – all she wants is for me to leave her alone and concentrate on myself and let her do her thing in the meantime
    • Im so scared that 6-8 months from now, everything we have built will just have disappeared in her heart and regardless of the improvements I have made, she will not want to give us a chance
    • I do not know how to forget her

    I think writing all of this out is in a way therapeutic and I really appreciate all of you for taking the time to read this. I look forward to your feedback/advice/views on my situation Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    What I was thinking changed 2/3 into your post. Maybe your to codependent on her? Her happiness makes you happy. She might actually just want time away by herself. The $$$ situation might just be an easier way of saying so? Sounds like you made your life revolve totally around her. When you were together did you have any friends or hobbies? The sex and all of that might have been fine cause I'm sure she absolutely believes you do love her. Though she's probably suffocating. Id just do your thing. Do it for you though. Pay the money down ect. No need to give day to day updates or plans. She mentioned you are making her anxious. I think that might be the biggest problem. Good luck OP

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Broken by Love
    Hi everyone,

    I apologize ahead of time for this incredibly long post but for everyone to truly understand the situation, I felt it was necessary. Here is my story:

    • I am 39 and she is 35 and we met almost 2 years ago. We are both divorced and we both have young daughters (me 6 and her almost 8 )
    • I have been carrying approx 20K of debt for the past 3-4 years (lots of legal fees during the divorce and having to use toll roads and having to use credit card because I wasnt able to manage my monthly bills
    • I have a decent paying full time career and she has a well paying career (she makes more than me but she knew this prior and was totally fine with it)
    • Our relationship has been amazing...we are so compatible and we loved every moment we spent with each other. I integrated well with her entire family and our daughters have gotten along extremely well...to a point that they keep saying they want to be sisters.
    • In the beginning it took my ex a while to really open up and become comfortable enough to introduce her daughter to me (being a single mother - she is very protective). I have been in her daughter's life (and my daughter in hers) for almost 1.5 years now
    • I was always very patient and just continued to be there for her and our relationship flourished.
    • I never aggressively worked on paying down my debt because I chose to spend all of my free time with her rather than working as much as I can to pay it down. She would bring this up quite often because without me clearing my debt we realistically could not move in together as she did not want the burden of having to manage all the finances while all my extra money went to interest and trying to pay off debt
    • I worked part time jobs but it was min, wage and not enough to drive down the debt significantly
    • I also stopped going to the gym and keeping myself busy and focusing on me because I just wanted to always spend time together with her (this was one of the things that she was attracted to in the beginning - the real care and focus that I put on my body and health)
    • she leads a very busy life and she would sometimes get annoyed that I am just at home constantly calling her and messaging her and a few times she pushed me to find things to do for me (gym, hobbies, go out with friends etc...)
    • throughout all of this though, we still loved each other and we continued to grow close and so did our kids. Our sex life was incredible as well
    • Last September she told me she needed time apart because she felt I was not taking my finances seriously and she she felt I just got very complacent in my life and she needed space to figure out what she wants
    • I fought hard to change her mind then and I came up with a plan to really aggressively pay down my debt (I approached someone about extra work which paid very well)
    • I showed her this plan and she got excited and we soon got back together again
    • that plan for extra money fell through and I was back at square 1
    • I found another part time job paying minimum wage but again - it hardly put a dent in my debt
    • between that time (October and recently - Feb), we continued to have a great relationship and sex life. She did still continue to ask me about my plan and what I am doing to work on the debt because its been so long and nothing has been done. I did not have an answer for her because I was so focused on just wanting to be the best partner to her and eventually best step dad to her daughter
    • I went away for a week for work mid Feb and she constantly messaged me and called me to say how much she loves me, misses me and cant wait for me to come home.
    • One thing about us is that we did not have a toxic relationship...we never fought/yelled (sure we had disagreements but we always talked them through maturely), there was no abuse of anykind, no cheating, no neglect or anything negative - it was always pure love and respect for each other
    • The night I came home (friday), she asked me again about what I am doing about my debt and finding ways to generate more income but I once again really had no answer to give her
    • the following Monday night I got a sweet goodnight message from her
    • The next morning I got a sweet good morning message from her
    • That evening (Feb 21st) I went to pick her up and she gave me a big kiss and then said we need to talk and that is when she said she doesnt think we should be together because of the finances thing, my lack of drive to focus on improving myself and looking for more ways to generate income than just a 9-5 and the other issues mentioned above
    • I had a plan where by the end of this month, I would be debt free but she did not want to hear any plans and was tired of feeling disappointed and believing my words (which she did in Oct of last year)
    • the next couple of days I called her and messaged her as I had so many questions and she was still sweet and sincere and said she misses me and hopes that my plans work out but she cant get her hopes high
    • she asked for space and for me to not message her and for me to just focus on being happy and focusing on myself and we can reconnect down the road and maybe things can work out
    • I wanted none of that (obviously) and I continued to try and convince her that I can change and how awesome she always said i was and how she always said she is so lucky to have me) - her responses started becoming more emotionless and she was getting kinda annoyed.
    • she has also been dealing with medical issues and her daughter with mental health issues and I have always been there to help and support both of them..I never thought of bailing.
    • she had a specialists appt on March 7th that she was very scared about so I decided to surprise her there because I wanted to be there for her. When she saw me, she had a big smile on her face (not a look like "what the hell are you doing here"). After the appointment I walked her to her car and we hugged tightly and she whispered how much she misses hugging me and I asked her if she still wants us and she said yes but she needs me to focus on myself and do it for me. We hugged again and then we kissed 3 times and she never once backed away. We both said I love you and she drove away. that night she even messaged me saying thanks for being there today.
    • I continued to message her for answers and stuff and it came to a head last tuesday when she said something to me and I stopped messaging immediately
    • Now, over the past few weeks, she has continuously said to me over text that she really does love me but just needs me to focus on me right now and while I do that, to give her space to do her thing
    • I called her this past Saturday after not reaching out since last Tuesday just to genuinely see how she was doing.
    • I have pinpointed the issues that led to her breaking up with me and I have come up with corrective actions (will be debt free by end of month, will have enough to start a legit savings account with minimum 2-3 months of salary in the bank, joined the gym to get back to what I love and put real focus on my body and signed up for online courses to upgrade me and learn new skills which I can eventually use down the road) - in a nutshell, really work on being the best version of me possible and I wanted to share all of this with her. We had a really good talk and she said she was very happy to hear that i am focusing on myself and when I asked her if she still wants us, she said she does but there is a fear that keeps on coming in - a fear that we can get back together today but who is to say that 3 or 4 months down the road it wont be back to square one (history will repeat itself). Also...she said that she is scared that if I have struggled with just looking after myself, how can she feel confident that I can look after multiple people if we all live together and not bring any of that financial stress into the household. She said that she wants to get back to us being happy but she just wants this fear to go away from her mind. She then said that hearing everything that I am doing makes her happy.
    • I messaged that same night just saying thank you for talking to me and I sent her screenshots showing that 75% of my debt was paid off and showing that I enrolled in online courses (proving to her that I wasnt just all talk and here is real life proof)
    • She responded saying that it was a good talk and she appreciated me sharing my progress with her and although my progress and her feelings are not an easy fix, she does feel that it puts us on a Positive path



    This past Monday (2 days ago) evening, she called me for something completely unrelated to us (her parents were going away and I had one of their suitcases and she just wanted to know when I would be able to drop it off on her porch)

    Of course, with my mind constantly working in overdrive, i started up the topic of us again and tried to continue to remind her of how amazing we are and how close our kids and families got and how im taking steps to changing and being better.

    Now, all of the times over the past few weeks, when we have spoken, I would always try and think back for key things she said but because in the moment, everything is going so fast and emotions are so high, I had a hard time remembering everything she said - which would eventually lead to my mind having more and more questions (such a vicious cycle). So, this time, I grabbed a notebook and pen and started making notes of EVERYTHING she said to me. As soon as she hung up, I started filling in the blanks off of memory while it was still fresh in my mind.

    So the first part of this post was my take on the whole situation. Here is, through her words, her true feelings and exactly where she is at right now:

    •I said that I just want to be here for her and help her overcome her fears about us because thats what I do - when I care for someone, I want to help them through their fears and stresses - especially when it has to do with me
    •she said that it is great that I am here to support but she needs her own time to figure out her fears and worries on her own without my influence. She hasnt acknowledged her issues on her own. This is what happened in September - she didnt listen to herself and listened to me and just went with it
    •this time alone is personal time and as sad as she is, she is also enjoying her personal time and she is finally being true to herself and that feels really good to her
    •She really liked and really appreciated that I listened to her (finally) and gave her time last week
    •She said she really liked my plan and what I want to do and feels that if I go and actually do what I need to do, she is gaining in that also
    •overly talking about everything leads her to be overly stressed and emotional and her chest started hurting a lot talking to me right now because she started feeling extremely anxious
    •I asked if she doubts my ability to truly make her happy and always have a smile on her face
    •she said that she doubts my ability to make her happy with financial things (decisions and planning) but does not doubt my ability to make her emotionally happy
    •she does not want to know the decisions that I am making only today
    •she needs to see something like 8 months (this number seemed arbitrary) down the road where I am at financially - what is my debt? savings?
    •it is not about the money (how much I make) but she needs to know that I can be financially responsible long term
    •finance can make and break relationships
    •she feels stress and tension everytime money and finances has come up between us
    •she can see herself being stressed even if we are happily married when there are serious financial stresses with no track record showing that I was able to effectively manage my past financial issues
    •Right now we can take a break but when we are married and have our kids all living together, we cannot. Its better we take a step back and re-think things
    •she is not in a mood to do a quick fix (meaning me paying off my debt this month and everything is all good again)
    •I said we dont need to rush anything and we can just take it day by day
    •she said our whole relationship was day by day and thats why we were so good because we didnt put too many expectations, but now, 2 years in, we just cannot do day by day anymore
    •these continuous conversations are tiring her out
    •she doesnt want to get to a point where is ignores my calls or does not answer my messages
    •I brought up the fact that when I said back in november and even last month that how would she feel if my debt was cut in half by March and she said she would feel amazing about it. I again explained to her my plan
    •she said that she understands everything I said I want to do and paying it off this month is a really great thing and im making really great moves
    •issue is not just the debt - the issue has always been me being financially responsible on my own
    •that is not something that she can witness or see right away
    •What she considers really truly showing Financial Responsibility - 6 or some months down the road (again another arbitrary number it seemed) how am I doing? What is my toll road bill like? What debt have I incurred? How much have I been able to comfortably save?
    •she believes we think differently - she does not think short term
    •feels like I am trying to tell her how to feel everytime I try and convince her of something
    •for her own sanity, the best thing to do is lets just not talk to each other at all because she doesnt know what the right thing to say is
    •feels that everytime we talk and she says something, I hold on to certain aspects or use certain things she says as "evidence" to throw back in her face the next time we talk (ie. you said this really great thing last time..why are u acting different now - stuff like that)
    •at the end of the day life will speak for itself and that is how she lives - she feels we are just different in that way
    •these phone calls literally break her heart in half and crush it because she feels that I am just looking for her to say certain things and she doesnt know what those things are and then she feels like she has to feel a certain way because she truly loves me and she hates the fact that I am feeling sad
    •as much as I am very good at knowing her, she feels I am not being the real me that she knows right now
    •the real me listens to her and knows what she just said and hears her out - not keeps questioning her
    •maybe one day our paths will allow us to be together again - she cant guarantee that and she cannot know that but that is where she is sitting right now in her life
    •she has told me all this 30 times and I am not being the real me who understands and listens
    •she does think I am making great moves but she doesnt want to get back into this pattern again (again - short term fix and not stick to it)
    •several months will show what the truth is about the moves I am making
    •She would rather wait it out
    •She does not want her kid dreaming of me as her dad and pull the carpet out beneath her yet another time - Her daughter already misses me like crazy
    •She has to be really really responsible and hold back a little bit
    •she feels that right now we are just going into a weird spiraling craziness that she doesnt like and taking this time apart just feels right to her
    •the reason she feels that we shouldnt talk at all is because it sounds like everything I have layed out is a huge program or plan which doesnt sound healthy to her.
    •I should just be living my life and doing what I need to for me
    •the minute that she feels or decides that she wants to start reaching out to me or start a conversation with me, we will see if life allows us to come back together again
    •She feels like I am holding on to a weird plan or timeline in my head and I should just let go of that for my own sake and well being and health
    •she needs that from me - otherwise its just this weird spiraling weird thing that is just happening and she feels like she is in a loop and everytime we have these convos, she cant get out of the loop
    •at that point, her only real feelings, because there is just too much going on, is that she doesnt want to talk to me at all - that is just how she gets when she is at that point
    •if we do have any consideration for friendship or health we should decide we dont continuously have these types of conversations because it really makes her feel worse
    •IF we do playdates for the girls, it is not with us there together
    •she doesnt want to be thinking about us, she doesnt want to be time-lining us or stressing
    •she doesnt want to do anything of those things as they just frustrate her and make her feel stressed/anxious/pressure
    •after our talk on Saturday, she felt really good and felt like I was going to work on my stuff (do my own thing) and then reach out to her after a few weeks - that is how she works (im pretty sure she doesnt want me to reach out after a few weeks anymore based on the fact that everything came up again today)
    •Constant calls, messages and scenarios frustrate her and she doesnt want to talk to me at all
    •as far as me being someone who doesnt give up on us, someone who is amazing and great and someone she can see her life with and all of those great things, she feels all of in her heart - they dont just disappear in one second - they stay there. She doesnt need me to tell her a thousand times
    •she is the kind of person when she trusts someone, she just trusts them and thats it
    •she does not need constant re-assurance. She is not that kind of person and she doesnt even function that way
    •if I told her that I have an idea what I want my life to be like and I have a direction that I want it to go, she is taking that as "Great! Go ahead and do that!"
    •If this is what I am saying (my "plan") then we will see in some time if thats what happens
    •not holding in her heart that we are going to be together or we are not going to be together - not letting herself set expectations of life and let everything play out as it is meant to
    •she says we are different that way - I should be like "you know what, who knows if im going to be with her" and just live my life
    •she feels that maybe I need to change that mindframe rather than just thinking about timelines and plans for us
    •she knows that I feel good about us - she really knows that in her heart
    •she knows I fight for her - these arent things she would ever question
    •she thinks maybe I need to fight for myself for what I want it to be and lets see how things go
    •she wants me to just believe and be in a good place and be grateful for everything I have - that is how she wants to live her life
    •when she feels frustration and annoyance and feels herself in that crazy weird loop again, she tells herself that she is not going to do that because there is a lot worse that can happen as a result and she doesnt know if there is a better or bigger plan in place for us
    •it makes her feel good to think that way

    Now, here is the final part of my post...here are my true fears and questions which I know I cannot get any answers to, but I cannot shake them from my head (and heart):

    •How does someone go from 100-0?
    oShe loved our time together every day
    oWe had such a strong physical (sexual) connection and emotional connection. She constantly told me how she has never felt so amazing and so close to anyone in her life (emotionally and intimately)
    oShe would tell me almost every night how much she wishes I was there lying next to her
    oWe would message each other all the time
    o She constantly told me how lucky she and her daughter are to have me in their life
    oAll this wasn’t a long time ago – it was just last month
    oEven 2 weeks ago she kissed me and said how much she loves me and wants us but needs me to focus on me for now – not for us but for me
    oAll of these were raw and true emotions – she has never been fake
    oNow she wants nothing to do with me – cold turkey and she is fine with that??
    •How can she not miss us?
    •She doesn’t miss all of the everyday things that we shared together?
    • She constantly tells me that she knows how truly amazing and selfless a man I am and have been and how she knows she will probably never find anyone like me and how rare my true qualities are. She also has said that I check off every single box for her when it comes to the person she wants to be with, except for the one box of financial responsibility/stability
    •How can she be totally fine with just us doing what we need to do and MAYBE one day we can be together?
    •I have constantly fought so hard for us and tried to show that im making real life changes for myself but she is not interested in what i have to say
    •I wish we could still be together as I improve on the things im working on and don’t know how to convince her or show her - allow us to grow stronger together
    •I miss my best friend and my daughter asks about her daughter all the time and its killing me because we both REALLY wanted to move in together and start a life together
    •The way it seems is that no matter how long it takes, she will not miss me or miss all of the amazing times (95% of the time) we shared and how close our kids and families grew – she will just force herself, whenever she starts feeling that, to ignore that feeling and think of something else (she said she just doesn’t want to think about us and let life dictate what happens down the road) – which will eventually lead to her losing all feeling for me and not seeing me in her future – even though I can show her I have grown and made real changes and improved my situation
    •All I want to do is talk to her and work together to fix the problems and become stronger – all she wants is for me to leave her alone and concentrate on myself and let her do her thing in the meantime
    •Im so scared that 6-8 months from now, everything we have built will just have disappeared in her heart and regardless of the improvements I have made, she will not want to give us a chance
    •I do not know how to forget her

    I think writing all of this out is in a way therapeutic and I really appreciate all of you for taking the time to read this. I look forward to your feedback/advice/views on my situation
    Just be patient maybe in 2-3 months you can have a talk about everything.

  4. #4
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    It sounds to me that she is just sick and tired of hearing about your plans to pay your debt down. It is time that you quit talking about it and just do it, and I don't think that she wants to even think about being with you until that gets done. In addition, it sounds like you were suffocating her and you need to get back to taking care of your needs, your friedn and what makes you happy. What you describe has a happy relationship does not appear to be a healthy relationship to me. A woman needs to feel that her man can take care of her financially and you have not done that as of yet. You also have lost yourself and it seems that she does not respect you for that. Don't even try to get back with her now......YOU ARE NOT READY. chi

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    You waited far too long to do anything about your financial situation, OP.

    Financial instability and the lack of steady, full-time employment at your age is a turn-off. Plain and simple. I understand there were some extenuating circumstances, but your lack of initiative to do much about that - repeatedly - speaks to larger lackadaisical attitude. That isn't what most women want in a partner, and especially not in a potential step-parent role.

    You need to worry a lot less about getting her back and a lot more about getting your life together, for yourself but mostly for your child. You might have indeed lost this woman, but it doesn't mean that you won't find love again with someone else. She won't be interested in reconciliation until she sees real sustained improvement in your situation. That won't happen right away. All you can do is keep pushing forward. Your priorities are out of whack right now. A relationship isn't where you should be putting your energy at the moment. She's trying to tell you the same thing. Please listen to her.

    She's already done a lot of her grieving. That's what happens when a dumper decides to actually pull the plug; they're much further along the healing process because they'd already begun detaching. She tried to make it work and is probably wondering very similar things about you - why couldn't you take her concerns seriously until now? Why did you brush it off so much before? She had good times with you but those aren't enough when looking at the bigger picture, I'm afraid. She sees bigger incompatibilities in lifestyle and mentality that won't work for a longer-term relationship.

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    Thanks everyone for your responses.

    MissCanuck - I completely understand what you are saying, but the one little thing that you did get wrong was when you said "the lack of steady, full time employment at my age" - this is not the case - I have a very good career and have been with my company for 10 years and i am in a management role - the issue has been my money management skills - for which I feel I have turned a corner over these past weeks when I have really looked in the mirror and have done some serious self-reflection

    As of today, I am officially debt free, I do have retirement savings through my work and I am building my own personal everyday Savings month by month (Goal is to have minimum 3 months of salary saved up by Summer time) so I know that I am definitely on the track to great things for myself

    I know her fear is that history will repeat herself, but hopefully a few months down the road, she will see on her own that I have regained my focus and I have become financially stable and more importantly, financially responsible.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Broken by Love
    Thanks everyone for your responses.

    MissCanuck - I completely understand what you are saying, but the one little thing that you did get wrong was when you said "the lack of steady, full time employment at my age" - this is not the case - I have a very good career and have been with my company for 10 years and i am in a management role - the issue has been my money management skills - for which I feel I have turned a corner over these past weeks when I have really looked in the mirror and have done some serious self-reflection

    As of today, I am officially debt free, I do have retirement savings through my work and I am building my own personal everyday Savings month by month (Goal is to have minimum 3 months of salary saved up by Summer time) so I know that I am definitely on the track to great things for myself

    I know her fear is that history will repeat herself, but hopefully a few months down the road, she will see on her own that I have regained my focus and I have become financially stable and more importantly, financially responsible.
    You're right, my mistake! I read your initial post wrong.

    It sounds like you are getting back on the right track. Keep going, no matter what.

    If you keep up these changes over a longer period, there is a chance she might want to rekindle. But keep making these positive changes for you and your child. Even if your ex does not come back, you will be in a much better position to meet a new partner.

  9. #8
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    Broken by Love, you really did an amazing turnaround. And you sound like a really good guy. I'm sorry that it's not enough to mend this relationship.

  10. #9
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    If it was only going to take one month to pay all of your debt off...why did you wait so long to do it?

    Shoot, if I could pay all of my debt off in one month I sure as heck would do it!

    It seems if it was that easy, I can see why she's hesitant. I mean, if it was that easy you could have done it months ago instead of putting it off. It does make you look irresponsible. Like you're the kind of person who will put things off until a crisis is reached. And that you are good at talking the talk but don't walk the walk. If you're in management this is something you should know.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    If it was only going to take one month to pay all of your debt off...why did you wait so long to do it?

    Shoot, if I could pay all of my debt off in one month I sure as heck would do it!

    It seems if it was that easy, I can see why she's hesitant. I mean, if it was that easy you could have done it months ago instead of putting it off. It does make you look irresponsible. Like you're the kind of person who will put things off until a crisis is reached. And that you are good at talking the talk but don't walk the walk. If you're in management this is something you should know.
    You are right...i should have done this sooner, but for this to happen, I had to dip into my retirement funds (which I have always been hesitant to touch), but i decided that now is the time I need to take the hit and finally get out of this hole and start building up again. Hindsight...

    I am curious to know what all of you make of certain things she has said to me this week. Just looking for an outsider's POV on how they read this:

    1. she does think I am making great moves but she doesnt want to get back into this pattern again (again - short term fix and not stick to it) // several months will show what the truth is about the moves I am making // She would rather wait it out // She does not want her kid dreaming of me as her dad and pull the carpet out beneath her yet another time - Her daughter already misses me like crazy // She has to be really really responsible and hold back a little bit

    2. she still really loves me and as far as me being someone who doesnt give up on us, someone who is amazing and great and someone she can see her life with and all of those great things, she feels all of in her heart - they dont just disappear in one second - they stay there

    3. she misses me too and not doing our regular things is weird and she doesnt like it

    Am I just trying to find any semblance of hope in her words or is it wrong for me to feel that she really does want to see what I am made of and what I am capable of doing for myself and based on that, there is still the chance of us getting back together (throughout all of this, she NEVER said that she does not ever want us to be together - it has always been a "maybe we will or maybe we wont" vibe

    Today was really tough on me. She knows how hard I was working towards a promotion for the past 2 years and I always dreamed of celebrating that moment with her. I found out this morning that I got my promotion and every single fibre in my body just wanted to share it with her but I didnt. I wanted her to just feel a little easier with her worries seeing that when I have worked so hard for something myself, I was able to accomplish it. And with that, I am now debt free, making more money and am truly on a positive financial journey. But I get that all this will just come off as a "short term fix" and she does not want any of that - she needs to see a real pattern of months.

    My constant fear is that these "months" will just result in her drifting away from me (us) - regardless of how amazing she knows I have been to her and to her daughter and how she has constantly said how lucky her and her daughter are to have me in their lives and how emotionally happy I have made her and will continue to make her


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