Weight and eating during dates

Hi, been a while since I've posted here. Anyway been dating a guy for last few months, everything seemed to be going pretty well for the most part etc. but I need a reality check and please bear in mind, maybe I am a little biased when I'm writing this because I'm hurt.

Anyway he's a bit of a health nut and I am sometimes too but it's more in phases. I believe in moderation. I am not an extremely skinny girl but I'm not fat either. I'm 5'4 and like 127lbs. Either way, I guess I didn't notice it before but I've noticed it feels like he judges my diet and controls what I eat subtly. Like when we go somewhere, he will want dessert but when we get there, he will say "oh you can stay in the car, I'll go get it" and he gets his one dessert without asking if I want anything and will eat it in front of me and maybe partially share it at the end. And once, we went to dinner and I felt like eating some pasta and when I said so he's like "oh you're going heavy tonight?" And if I order a soda, he will take my glass and only fill it partially. Or once, he asked if we could eat healthy that morning so I said okay. We went for breakfast, I got egg whites and fruit and he orders an omelette and a cinnamon roll and eats it in front of me, without really offering. And once when I ordered coffee and it was sweet, he was so shocked about how sweet it was, and later in the day, he turned on some documentary about the harmful effects of sugar. I just get the feeling he's restricting my diet. And on one of our first dates, he asked me how much I weighed(in a really subtle way). I'm by no means a bad eater, I eat really clean and workout constantly on the weekdays but on the weekends and my dates with him, I lax a little and indulge. And I haven't gained any weight since we started dating. Maybe he could just think that since it seems like I always eat bad around him, that this is how I always eat?? I don't know.

He calls me beautiful often etc, and and still wants to be around me/touch me. And one of our earlier dates, we did go to get donuts. everything else seems fine about him etc. he seems a tad bit controlling at times, but nothing major so far and nothing I can't handle. He's vocally shallow, but I attribute that to most guys. maybe i could be blowing this out of proportion. I don't know. My family seems to think I'm being too picky and it's not a big deal and that this is my commitment phobia talking and that no spouse wants to hear that people will let themselves go and get fat and expect to be loved anyway. But it's a really big insecurity of mine, my weight. Its hurtful to me. It's not like I'm obese, I'm probably like 5-7lbs over the Hollywood standard of skinny. And i don't want him thinking I'm fat or controlling what I eat my whole life. I don't want to feel guilty and ashamed if I eat chips in front of him one day or something else. I'm so resentful with him because of it. All the warm feelings I felt for him are quickly dissipating because of this, because it's a huge insecurity of mine and I don't like being felt like I'm not good or skinny enough or that I'm some project to him that he can make me diet and be what he wants. Honestly it just hurts my feelings.

I'll obviously bring this up with him, but maybe he just might say no I don't think you're fat etc. but I'm not sure, it feels like the damage is done? Like because he already did and said those things, it's clear how he really views me. I would like my SO to view me as beautiful and if he's already restricting my diet, that means he thinks I need to lose weight. So regardless of what he says, I'm not sure I'll believe him? I don't know. I need some guidance, am I blowing this out of proportion and is this normal? Thanks and sorry for the length.

Oh girl. I stopped at 127 pounds.

You. Are. FINE! Nowhere NEAR fat. And if a guy makes you feel that way DROP HIM.

Unfortunately he sounds neurotic about this. Have you told him to mind his own business when it comes to food and eating? Just buy and order whatever you want.

Why sit in the car or announce your order or why is he even pouring your drinks? It sounds like you need to speak up and be assertive and nip his passive-aggressive behavior and diet neurosis in the bud. He doesn't have to offer you food, why? You order yours and eat it, he orders his.

Of course if you go out to eat together, he'll "eat it in front of you", why is that odd? Do whatever you want and ignore him.

I've noticed it feels like he judges my diet and controls what I eat subtly. he orders an omelette and a cinnamon roll and eats it in front of me, without really offering. I just get the feeling he's restricting my diet.

Yeah I guess I haven't been that vocal about it, I honestly am kinda naive, I didn't notice it and I'm always too nice and too passive about speaking up. But I will. But it seems like he's neurotic with my diet, not his. So it's not like hes a health nut bc he eats what he wants but limits me. The real question is, does he think I'm unattractive and that's why he's putting me on a diet? Because I don't know if I could handle that and if that's a deal breaker.

I'm on the borderline between healthy weight and underweight, and am just not a big eater. Ironically, most of my relationships have been with guys who'd like me to be about 7lb heavier than I am and will try to feed me. It's always quite jokey, though, and NONE of them has been as intrusive or controlling as your guy.

Stand your ground, eat what you want to eat regardless of his attempted restrictions and see what happens. If he makes comments like

"Oh you're going heavy tonight?" respond with "You bet!" If he ups the ante to the point of being abusive, you know what to do. If he stops focusing on your eating habits and tries to control you in other ways, you know what to do.

But, for yourself, and regardless of whom you're with or what it's about - realise that if someone doesn't like the way you are, and wants to change it... that's THEIR problem, and not yours. Even if you're indulging in something which is positively dangerous, it's your decision as to whether you stop, or carry on and take the consequences. But you sound healthy and fine, and your guy's taken you on as a project. If you want to continue the relationship, you need to find a nice way of telling him to eff off.

Are you in recovery from an eating disorder?

It may be an incompatibility issue. I didn't see anything that really jumped out to me as controlling from what you described of his behaviour, I more read it as this is how he generally relates to food and it's an extension of that to those he is around.

Have you ever piped up to address this as it came up, in a non confrontational manner? How he responds to gentle enforcements of your boundaries would tell a lot.

I honestly think though that it would serve you well to address your own issues and insecurities around food and your weight. I think if you don't, it will cause problems for you in relationships no matter how laid back and generous with junk food a guy is.

I don't see weight being any factor aside from your end. I'll agree the guy sounds preachy, but half the issues you laid out have more to do with you just tagging along rather than being assertive with what you'd like. If he says he'd like some dessert and you say something to the effect of "yeah, I think I'd like some, too," then I can kinda see where you're coming from with him telling you to stay in the car only to come back single-handed. If you're just saying, "OK," then I think it comes down to a hospitality thing. Personally, I am the type who offers anytime and every time I'm going to get something for myself. But some people simply aren't. That'd be on you to either speak up a bit more often or find a guy who's more offering.

But, again, I wouldn't take his proselytizing of his view of nutrition as him necessarily considering your weight. If he is indeed as health-conscious as he purports to be, he's probably well aware that there's a range of weight, yours certainly included, where there isn't necessarily an intrinsic correlation between health and weight.

This is about being bossy and controlling, not your appearance.

No one can "put you on a diet" unless you're a helpless infant.

Eat whatever you want and tell him to mind his own business.

So it's not like hes a health nut bc he eats what he wants but limits me.he's putting me on a diet?

I more read it as this is how he generally relates to food and it's an extension of that to those he is around.

Imposing your own values on someone else is controlling! How he relates to food is his concern, and how she relates to food is hers - it's not his place to dictate otherwise, especially as there's nothing objectively wrong with her in the first place!

Yeah maybe you are right, it's a huge insecurity of mine and I haven't been vocal about it because I'm insecure/embarrassed about it and in general I've always been a bit of a pushover. I haven't defined well boundaries and I always have that issue. Maybe you guys are right, I need to be more vocal about it and I need to set my boundaries. And see how he reacts. And yeah he doesn't seem like the offering type and maybe I just took his lack of offering as trying to restrict me. But I guess I'll do what I want and eat what I want and bring it up nicely. And see how he reacts.

I hate that I can never establish boundaries. Just yesterday he offered to do me an expensive favor for free and I finally took a stance and said no I would like to pay for it because I don't want to be in debt to anyone especially someone I'm "dating." And he said "why I don't mind doing it etc" and I was going to stand my ground and insist. But then my family got in my head and said I was "unable to accept nice things and I was being crazy". So I caved and said he could do it. And he ignored my response, so I guess that means he will be doing it for free.

We went for breakfast, I got egg whites and fruit and he orders an omelette and a cinnamon roll and eats it in front of me, without really offering.

I don't think he had to offer you anything, just as you're not obliged to share your fruit with him. I agree with the others that you can go ahead and be more forceful and let his comments roll off of you. If you're in the mood for pasta, go ahead and have it.

I'm personally overweight (actually obese) and guys don't make comments about what I eat. It's actually pretty nice! I guess it's because they're not expecting a skinny woman if they're on a date with me.

But then my family got in my head and said I was "unable to accept nice things and I was being crazy". So I caved and said he could do it.

Is there any reason why you should regard your family as the fount of all wisdom? There may be very sound reasons for 'not accepting nice things'; if they're given freely and you're confident that there are no strings attached, that's one thing. However, it's also possible that the 'gift' is over-the-top and may be used as a way of manipulating you later on; either way, if you're not comfortable with it, there's no obligation to accept.

Have you been in therapy at all? If not, it can be a very valuable way of learning how to be aware of your own boundaries and how to set them with other people.

Dealbreaker. Seriously, women have so many other factors to deal with that cause us to feel inferior, unattractive, useless and all around worthless. You CANNOT put yourself in a relationship that reaffirms these biases. Dump. This. Guy. Now.

"he'll restrict me" and "he'll eat in front of me" sound like eating disorder terms. Go back to therapy for that so that his craziness doesn't set you back.

RUN! Do not walk, to the nearest exit and don't go out with this guy again. He is showing clear signs of being controlling and already emotionally abusive, pushing on your boundaries and will continue to do so to see how much you "take" from him and how far he can go. This WILL get worse. Next he'll start in how you dress, your makeup, then it will move on to him controlling who you see, who you talk to, you job.

If you're really unlucky you'll end up with him escalating to the physical after he cuts off all help you might have had and then starts in on you.

Trust me, at 127 pounds you are not even close to fat, and it's not his job to police your eating habits. Period. This is just someone you're dating, and you're finding out he's controlling and already moving into emotional abuse territory.

So many red flags here I can't even tell you, but if you stay this is just the tip of the iceberg and it is going to get worse. If you doubt me start looking up and researching warning signs and red flags of an abusive relationship. I'm dead serious about this.

This isn't cute or him caring, this is him already grooming you to accept that his word and control are absolute law. With those people you don't try to reason or argue or anything, but "Goodbye, never contact me again" then block and delete them and if they persist go to the police and file stalking charges.

I counseled people leaving abusive relationships for years in a women's center. The signs are all there, believe me. Get out now while you still can.

P.S. Tell that "niceness" nagging in your head to take a walk and go get the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker or watch his videos. We are conditioned to be nice when we shouldn't be. Your stance with this guy has to be one of "Stop controlling me, get out of my life" only. And niceness be damned. You are in over your head with this guy and it will get worse.

Also do not accept money or any other "favors' they come at a steep price, usually reminded of what he "did" for you later down the line when he's hurting you in some way.

Okay, but filling your glass only half full and judging you for eating heavy is definitely controlling behavior. The cinnamon roll thing, maybe even the dessert, aren't that big of a deal (he's not obligated to share, after all), but he is being passive-aggressive at best and downright rude at worst. Have a talk with him, be more upfront about your wishes and expectations, and if he doesn't take what you said to heart and work with you, kick him to the curb.

I mean I'll be damned if I dated someone who insisted I shouldn't eat an entire Hot 'n Ready from my boy Lil C's for lunch, but I really, really hesitate to call that "controlling." If a woman saw me eating it and said "let's watch a documentary about trans fats," I'd either tell her no thanks or, if I wanted to learn about it, I'd say yes.

Preachy, while very off-putting, isn't inherently controlling, especially considering the relationship is elective and the OP isn't a captive audience. And, unless he's stripping the glass out of your hand to fill it up himself, him filling it partially could just as easily be him pouring it the way he would for himself or his interpretation of what she'd prefer given her preference of "moderation."

Unfortunately, it's difficult to tell whether this guy is someone most all of us would agree is annoying or a guy who's a genuine, controlling ***hole due to the OP simply not dictating her own terms. She can fill her own glass. She can order what she wants for breakfast. She can say, "Hey, I'm actually feeling a piece of cake, I'll come in with you."

And, again, I can't emphasize enough just how long I'd drag out an eyeroll if the person I was dating tasted my coffee (which, on the rare chance I am drinking one, is 90% creamer) and said, "let's watch a documentary about sugar." But I'd either accept the fact I'm dealing with a particularly self-righteous individual or, much more likely, stop hanging out with them.

But I'd either accept the fact I'm dealing with a particularly self-righteous individual or, much more likely, stop hanging out with them.

This responds directly to the OP's question ^^^, though she phrases it differently. If it were one incident, then I'd say to ignore it - however, this appears to be part of an ongoing pattern.

What struck out at me is how much you are both in each other's food. Sharing drinks, sharing or getting upset when not shared, etc.

Your expectations that he shares from his plate struck me as uncomfortable to be honest. That's probably me, though since I don't like anyone getting into my food. I order what I like, they need to order what they like. If they stick their fork into my plate, they are risking grave consequences. Once in a blue moon I might offer a bite to taste IF they ask for it or look at me like a salivating puppy dog.

So what I'm getting at is that you need to work on your attitude toward food. If you go out for breakfast and you want cinnamon buns, then get them and eat them. If he wants to eat "healthy" whatever that means, he can order whatever he thinks is healthy. His comments shouldn't have any bearing on your eating habits. What you shouldn't be doing is martyring yourself with egg whites and then looking at his plate with envy and counting what he eats.

Agree. There is way too much projecting and sharing and worrying about each other's food, etc. It does seem like an eating disorder.

Most people do not say "he restricts my food" and "won't share his food" and "eats in front of me",etc. So yes it's twofold, he's neurotic and controlling and going back to therapy for the eating disorder.

What struck out at me is how much you are both in each other's food. Sharing drinks, sharing or getting upset when not shared, etc. I'm getting at is that you need to work on your attitude toward food.

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Whether or not he has an eating disorder or you have an eating disorder or anyone has that is almost not important in regards to this issue. You feel controlled, you don't like how he's acting, and you have a right to that. Paris Paulette is right in that this could be the beginning of other controlling behavior. I've been there and it creeps up on you and it sucks. Even if this guy is somewhat nice about it, it's still feeling controlling to you. If talking to him or just going rogue regarding him (which you should probably be doing anyway) doesn't help the situation or make you feel better, time to cut him loose.

why are people suggesting he is just extending his own behavior about food on others? he is not. he eats what he wants. he stuffs a cinnamon bun into his mouth and then frowns about the sugar in her coffee and employs some pathetic attempt at brainwashing her into avoiding the pitfalls of the sugar contents which he has no qualms about throwing down his own throat. he eats dessert, her plate of pasta is "heavy".

he isn't imposing his rules of nutrition on her. he is making up rules of nutrition for HER to follow.

i don't care whether it fits the definition of controlling. it fits the definition for what the heck are you playing at you tool.

yes, i would say he is trying to get you to lose weight (and yes your weight is absolutely fine. and yes you sound like you mostly eat healthy and kudos for working out regularly). and if you were lazy and fat and made poor choices about your health that doesn't give anyone the right to impose rules on you. suggestions are tolerable or even welcome, if they're a one time thing and you're not under any expectation to take them for the sake of others. insistence that you change what you see no need to change is wrong.

now exercise a good spine and put an end to this nonsense.

also put an end to the habit of being in each other's plates but by all means fill yours with whatever you want. next time he cringes at the sugar in your stuff tell him "you sound so concerned about sugar. maybe you should quit the cupcakes if you're so stressed over how much sugar you ingest". then wait if he has the nerve to say "oh no no no, it's not the sugar I ingest that's bothering me. it's the sugar you ingest". that'll cue a nice discussion about "do you want me to lose weight? cause you're wasting your time, i aint dropping a pound if i can help it, but feel free to show yourself out and pick a new girlfriend of whichever size you like".

and please treat yo' self when you feel like it. in his face.

yes to needing to develop assertiveness and accept your weight, which, again, is absolutely not too high.

we most resent people when they hurt us in the exact ways we compulsively hurt ourselves. compulsive sacrificial givers resent moochers and leeches the most, people who allow others to colonize their minds and emotions and decisions are extra sensitive to intrusive behavior, those who are hypercritical of themselves will literally cry over even constructive criticism..... do whatever it takes, including professional help if that is what it takes to get over your weight insecurity and you'll have no problem eating what you want and telling anyone who protests to shut up before you eat them too.

He is controlling, he admits to people saying that he is but he doesn't view himself as controlling and yes he does like telling people what to do. And yes I do have issues with my weight and people's perception of it, it's deep rooted for me. And therapy and kinda reassurance would help it probably, neither of which I get from him or my family. But I think I have to be more assertive and vocal about eating what I want and tell him that my weight is my insecurity and see how he responds. It's fuzzy to be able to see how he really is because while he might be a bit controlling, I'm also not standing up for myself and setting boundaries. So I guess I will try that and see how he responds and see how things go. If it continues or if I still feel not good enough, I'll have to end it. I have too many insecurities to be with someone who doesn't make me feel wonderful and I don't feel like I can be myself with. I'm not that strong. It's a goal of mine but I'm not there yet. And I need encouraging reassuring people like that in my life who would support me. And if I feel he can't be that or won't be that, then he's not the one for me.

Rainy coast- exactly my thoughts thank you. He eats what he wants but says he's healthy. Like I said, it may be a deal breaker but I won't know till I at least talk to him about it and give him a chance and let it play out. I'm just more angry at myself for caving and not standing up for myself every time. And letting my family making me feel like trash for believing this and me believing them that I was being "crazy and nit picky and this why I am going to end up alone."

Wait - you're 127 lbs, and 5'4" - girl, I bet you are STUNNING. When he tries to pull his weirdness, SAY SOMETHING!

"What about me?"

"Why didn't you ask me what I wanted?"

"Where's mine."

Or take his, and say, "Thanks. How Thoughtful!"

Or when he says something dumb, ask him directly, "what's the problem?"