Opinions/thoughts about sleeping with ex?

I've never posted online for advise like this before but I'm feeling so lonely in this situation.

When I was 19 I was stupid and fell for a 28 year old man already in a relationship with a one year old. He convinced me he wasn't happy with her and needed me instead so I agreed and he left her to move in to my parents.

While we were staying at my parents (about 4months into our relationship) his ex sent me photos of him posing in my parents bathroom naked for her. I also found out the first time he told me he loved me was an hour after having sex with his ex behind my back. He told me she black mailed him into having sex to see his kid. I don't know how much I believe of that but I knew it was my karma for taking him away from his ex so I forgave him after a month and when I kissed him he cried his eyes out with happiness. (Only time I've seen him cry) so I guess he was sorry.

After about 6months we were living together. His ex is obviously always in the picture and I'm trying to be ok with that but it's very hard and Im still (3 years later) not really over him doing it. I can't bond with his son (even though he's so cool) because to me the kid is the connection to the ex.

I just found out that when I'm at work on Fridays he picks up his son from nursery (which I don't have a problem with) and drops him back to his exs house. I wouldn't have a problem with this but he's been lying about it. I found out when shoulder surfing his phone when she text him saying "thanks for Friday xx". He told me he just plays PlayStation on Fridays. Why would he need to lie about it? I confronted him calmly and he apologised but I haven't spoken to him since.

It's a shame because I feel like I'm at fault. He hates when i bring up what he did because he thinks it just brings up old wounds so I can't talk to anyone.

He is like my best friend, we love the same stuff and have the same sort of ideas about everything but I haven't said 'I love you' and meant it for 3 years.

Does it get easier or will the fact that she's always there making me on edge going to make our relationship pointless?

Should I just give up basically - I'm just being selfish probably

So at 19 your parents let your 28 year old "boyfriend", who you had practically just met move into their home?...

He's shown you he is untrustworthy and I doubt you will ever feel secure in this relationship

Yeah. I picked this man without even thinking about my poor mum. She's still living with a my step dad who cheated on her 22 times and I don't want to be like her (as much as I love her.). This man is my first love and I thought it'd all be amazing but maybe this is just one of those lessons life throws at you.

I'm still reeling from the fact that your mother and stepfather let this guy within 50 yards of you, and colluded in a relationship which was bound to be a nightmare!!!!!!

In answer to your question - no, it won't get easier. And you need to distinguish between self-care and being selfish. Being selfish is when you trample all over other people and their feelings in your quest to serve your own needs at their expense.

Self care is when you realise that you were young and naive enough to have a relationship with a guy who would walk out on a one-year old kid, lies to you, has sex with his ex and a kid you can't bond with - and get the hell out!

You owe this guy nothing, and he will bring you nothing but heartache, no matter how wonderful he may be on a day-to-day basis. You are not in a relationship with him alone, but in a relationship with him, his ex and his child.

You are still really young, with your whole life ahead of you - and there will be plenty of men your own age, without all this baggage, who would be more than happy to share a future with you. Unfortunately, your mother will have taught you nothing about self-respect - but that the only important thing is to have a man around, no matter how badly he treats you or how dishonest the relationship is.

Don't be that girl!

Ahh I see… No offence but it seems your mum’s poor decision making skills with choosing a partner has rubbed off on you. Did she ever talk to you about guys? Look at your mums situation and LEARN from it. You will be treated the way you allow someone to treat you. If you want to be treated better, find someone who values you.

I know this is easier said than done. Last year I stayed with someone who was divorced with a child. I suspected and was also told that there was still something going on with him and his ex-wife, but I refused to acknowledge the truth, I thought he would change.

I look back and I just don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I deserved better. YOU deserve better than this man he is leaching off of you, lying to you and most likely cheating. Do the hard thing and break up with him and kick him out of the house! Take your keys back and leave all his belongings outside.

You don’t want to be in your mum’s situation. Value yourself x

Unfortunately you knew he was cheating and overlapping relationships when you met, so that is his style.

Why did he have to move in with your parents? Did she kick him out when she found out?

Yes she'll always be there and so will his son. You can give him the silent treatment, but you know his history and either have to accept this or be miserable or leave.

It sounds like he's using you and you have forfeited your future for him. Do you ever want a family marriage etc.? Focus on what your goals and dreams are, not what his latest lies are.

he left her to move in to my parents about 4months into our relationship. After about 6months we were living together. he picks up his son from nursery and drops him back to his exs house. I wouldn't have a problem with this but he's been lying about it. I haven't said 'I love you' and meant it for 3 years.

Thanks guys. Yeah he told his ex he liked someone else and she kicked him out and stopped all contact with his son (until he slept with her).

I just feel like I should have known what it'd be like so I should just suck it up and face what mess I made.

I don't wanna be like 'hey I know I broke your family up but now I'm leaving you on your own.'

And my mum doesnt really care about stuff like that, she was egging us on to get our own flat so my step dad could have my bedroom lol.

It's not like I have friends to turn to, he's the only person I've told all my secrets and my past to. Life without him is terrifying now.

You didn't break his family up, he did. Dump him. Life with a cheater and a liar sounds more terrifying than building a new life with a decent honest man who wants the same things as you do.

I don't wanna be like 'hey I know I broke your family up but now I'm leaving you on your own.' Life without him is terrifying now.

You didn't break his family up, he did. Dump him. Life with a cheater and a liar sounds more terrifying than building a new life with a decent honest man who wants the same things as you do.

This ^^^ x 1000!!!

Sounds like it's been toxic since day 1. I know it's easier said than done, but it's probably best to cut ties with this guy and move on.

Especially when you say you can't bond with his kid because it reminds you of his ex. His kid will be part of his life, in one way or another, forever so if you can't deal with that now, how will you deal with it in the future in addition to everything else?

Like I said, it won't be easy but it will be for the best

Thank you all for your words, it really means a lot.

I'm going to move away and back in with my Nan for a while as she's struggling with rent and loneliness and I miss her.x

Thank you again x

Edited since I saw you've left. That's the right thing to do, because those who cheat with you usually do cheat on you down the road.

Good luck and good on you for coming to your senses. It's the right thing to do, keep in mind not all men cheat or are cheaters. You want to hold out for the good ones and let ones like this guy who was a married cheater get a swift kick out of your life.

It does not get easier unless u accept that the Child and his mother will take precedence over you . he is not telling you that he's picking the child up on Fridays because he does not want to upset you but the reality is that his child is the most important thing to him and he and his ex obviously have some sort of arrangement when it comes to raising him , schedules, etc. it does not get easier