What should I do? Small things built up and I am tired of feeling this way

The reason why I came here is because of my fiance. We have been together for 6.5 years, and we got engaged last year.

We had a fight over a little thing last night, and I just don't know what I want to do.

He had a travel expense form that he had to complete and send in by the end of March, and he has not touched it. It was for a school orientation that he had attended, and we had travelled there together. I paid for the hotel, so I really wanted to get some money back. I had been asking him for a week to finish it because it takes time for the letter to get there. In addition, I am the one who has to go to the post office instead of him since he works weekdays 9-5, so that he cannot bring it to the post office.

Last night, I asked him again to finish the paperwork. He angrily told me that he was tired and didn't want to do it at that time. I did not want to say anything anymore because he really hates to be told what to do and he always wins when we argue. Therefore, I left the room. Since then, we have been ignoring each other for over a day, and I am thinking negatively about this relationship. Also, other complaints came to preoccupy my mind.

As I mentioned earlier, he hates to be told what to do. Also, he has procrastinating personality. (One time he even missed a dead line for a scholarship that he really needed, so he couldn't apply for schools.) Now I am filing tax for both of us since we are in common law relationship and I have more free time. However, when I needed him to bring some forms home, he kept forgetting to print them out, and took him for a week to do so . I did not want to remind him too many times because he gets mad if I tell him "what to do." In addition, when I needed his help on his tax information, he told me that he was tired and didn't want to do it at that time. Of course this happened several times already, and I haven't been able to submit our tax return for over two weeks. It is due soon, so I am stressed out. I understand that he is tired after long day of work, but things need to get done before the deadline in my opinion.

When we started living together, I was happier because the house work was shared more evenly. I was the cook, and he was the cleaner. However, that had changed over the years. He doesn't cook, so there were times that I came home late from work and he was waiting for me being hungry. I do not mind doing more housework right now because I am not working, but I don't feel appreciated when he just sit in the couch and waits the dish to be taken away after we eat the meal I cooked. I did some experiments; I waited until he put them in the dish washer, but the dish was left on the table until next day, so I gave up and cleaned them. What bugs me is that he still thinks we share the burden equally, but all he does is cleaning once a month. (I am not working right now but I am not financially depending on him, we are still splitting the bill by half)

Since he got the current job, I have been packing lunch for him everyday because there is no restaurant or store around his office. It is OK for me to make his lunch, but the problem is that he doesn't bring lunch box home for several days. We had fights over several times about this topic already. I want him to bring it home and put it on a table so that I can put it in the dishwasher. I do not feel appreciated if he doesn't bring it home (he DOES say thank you, but I want him to show me that by action), and I feel sad when I have to dig into his bag for the lunch box. (However, he DOES rinse it at work, so that it doesn't get moldy if he keeps it in his bag.) I told him about this when we were fighting, and he said he would put it out everyday. Of course he forgets after a couple of weeks, and now he gets mad if I remind him to do so. Once I told him that I don't feel appreciated, and he said "I never told you to pack a lunch for me."

After all I said, I might have made him sound like a terrible person, but he is not. He is funny and smart person (he is going to law school in September), he loves his family and my family, he is good with kids, He doesn't gamble or smoke, he didn't cheat on me (he comes home right away from work, I am pretty sure), he doesn't hit me etc. I respect him in a lot of ways. In the past he didn't want to get married or have kids, but he changed for me; we are engaged and He is OK to have a kid. However, the small complaints piled up, and I am tired. I don't know if I care about this relationship anymore. He is a good person in a lot of ways, but I don't know if I can keep feeling not appreciated for the rest of my life. Especially when he tells me "Don't tell me what to do" when I just need his help, I feel like I am a crazy person who is trying to chain him down. I never want to be that kind of person. Also, I know this is not a serious problem, and I feel stupid thinking about break up over small things. Am I crazy? Am I not normal?

I am not good at expressing or explaining what I think, and my mother tongue is not English. Therefore, I always feel like I cannot make him fully understand what I think or how I feel.

I don't think I want to break up yet. I actually don't know what I want to do. We are moving out of our apartment soon, so I feel like I should just break up with him right now. However, we have been together for this long, and we are engaged, I cannot just give it up.

Please tell me your opinion, thank you.

You are a big part of the problem. You are an enabler. Stop packing lunches, he is not a child!

Your bf sounds very passive aggressive. He is also very irresponsible . You need to work these issues out before you get married or you will be raising your kids in your own. If he has always been like this, he will not change!!!!

Do not ever stay in a relationship due to time invested! That is ridiculous. And, stop playing mommy.

I would get those taxes done, as he will probably try to punish you by not completing, as he has done in the past.

Expect more for yourself!

When did you become his mother???

If he doesn't bring his lunch box home so what? Why do you care? If you stop making his lunch he can go hungry the next day and will make his own.

Why did you pay for the school orientation ? You said bills are split so clearly he can afford to pay his own expense. Let him worry about getting the forms in and claiming.

As for the tax thing, if it's late it's late. Accept whatever penalty there is and see what he does then?

If he is working 40 hrs per week and you none, I think it's perfectly acceptable that you do more chores if not most. And same if the other way around.

You sound annoying to be honest.

Give him a break already.

Get a hobby so you are not consumed by the little things.

Or leave.

Thank you for your opinion,

You are right, thank you for making me realise this.

I have been an enabler big time. I think I started being this way when we started dating, but I will stop being this way.

I will do the tax like you said, I don't want any penalty.

Thanks again

You are a big part of the problem. You are an enabler. Stop packing lunches, he is not a child!

 

Your bf sounds very passive aggressive. He is also very irresponsible . You need to work these issues out before you get married or you will be raising your kids in your own. If he has always been like this, he will not change!!!!

 

Do not ever stay in a relationship due to time invested! That is ridiculous. And, stop playing mommy.

 

I would get those taxes done, as he will probably try to punish you by not completing, as he has done in the past.

 

Expect more for yourself!

Sorry to tell you this but you really sound like his mother.

You just need to tell him once or maybe twice and leave it as that. Then it becomes his problem if he doesn't do things that he needs to do. You could just ask him to reimburse you for business training first. Then he could get reimburse later from his employer.That way it becomes his problem if he doesn't hand in the forms.

You are enabling his behavior and treating him like a child. You need to let it go and let him handle his own stuff sometimes.

I agree with the above poster, if you are at home and is not working, it's only fair that you do most of the chores. If he doesn't bring home his lunch container, well make him a sandwich and put it in a sandwich bag in the fridge. There are many ways to go about it to not enable this behavior. Yes, he could go without a lunch and stay hungry.

I agree, he sounds a bit lazy and irresponsible, but sometimes you have to let him be. Don't hold his hands through everything so he could learn the consequences for himself. He has to learn, and there's no way for him to learn by you micromanaging him. Plus, I have a feeling he's annoyed of your nagging so he chose to not do any of those things.

Even if you break up with him and get into another relationship, due in time, you will start to baby that boyfriend and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Thank you for your reply,

I realised how stupid I was.

I paid for the orientation because he was not booking a hotel room because he was lazy. I was playing his mother.

Glad that I could hear your honest opinion. Thanks again!

Thank you for your reply,

 

I realised how stupid I was.

I paid for the orientation because he was not booking a hotel room because he was lazy. I was playing his mother.

Glad that I could hear your honest opinion. Thanks again!

I honestly don't think you were stupid. I think it's just in your nature to care for someone. Sometimes, you just have to let him be. He has to see the consequences before he learns.

I do it to my husband all the time. I used to have a hard time because I have a hard time letting him face consequences. You will get used to it. Don't do everything for him. You could remind him, but if he chooses not to do, than let him be. He will learn over time.

It will be a good learning experience for you if you want kids in the future. I'm pretty sure you don't want your kids to turn out like child when they are 30 years old? You want them to learn responsibilities and to stand on their own two feet. The only way to do so is to let things go.

Thank you for your opinion,

I agree with you, I have to stop being his mother; otherwise, I will keep being in the bad cycle of relationships.

I will try to change myself first, then see how this relationship will be.

Thanks again!

I agree with the others, stop playing Mommy to him.

Have you read this book yet?: Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom

It may help you with insight and coping tips.

"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible"

I am married to a guy like yours. If we need anything in the world done other than paperwork, it is done. Paperwork, or taking 10 years to complete an Associates degree which he still hasn't finished, it's like maybe 5% of it gets done. It's a mental thing, and he definitely gets from his mom. So when it comes to something we need to do together, I schedule in advanced the day and time we will work on it. And if it's something I can do, I just do it. Because, heck, I'm not the one doing the plumbing, digging holes for the septic tank, fixing drywall, hanging heavy things, and lifting heavy things, calling for take-out orders, and a zillion other things that's his responsibility.

I just know, I can nag a whole bunch, but I don't expect him to change. Either you love and can accept he's not good with getting paperwork done, or you don't, and accept it's a deal breaker.

I accept my hubby, and he accepts me. Heck, I would love it if he did laundry more often (cuz I don't wash any of his clothes), cuz on his side of the bed, it's always a mess, but then he wouldn't be the same guy who would literally rip apart a bear for me to protect me.