Wife Is Prioritizing Career Over Me

Hello all. Me and my wife are military officer from a developing country. Our job is challenging and merits lot of time when we are distance from each other. It was a love marriage and in our society marriage is the final disposition of love and relationship. I have been very loyal and caring to her but she never returns me the same kind of love and attention that I ask for. We have stable career and I have asked her not to be over ambitious because balance is very important. It has been three months since our marriage and she is called for basic training. I can visit her on weeekends but she said that do not come because her grades will be affected. I argued that such commitments will never leave us since military keeps you engaged in ways so we should not waste moments to be together. I told her that I prefer being a good husband and father than to rise my stars. I told her that we should not regret in later part of our life that we left the pretty time of our lives to material gains. She says that if she get poor grades her ego will be hurt. I am confused now that if she is so committed to her career even when we are recently married and she doesn't want me to come up for two days would our marriage be happy in the long term. Will it be worth to love her so immensely and have kids when she will never return the same affection and love. My point is that her grades are her personal choice, I never argue on official stuff which is necessary. But if today she is sacrificing to see her husband because of her ego, will in the later part of our life our marriage become trivial. I am otherwise a very ambitious person who enjoys good repute in my job but should I invest more in her now or am I feeling sentimenal?

P.S : I am not anti career. I just tell her that we have a stable job and a good lifestlye what else do we need because there is no end to the wantings.

You sound like an ambitious loving couple. Sometimes we make sacrifices but a loving couple can sustain those. Be patient. It will reward both of you in the end. There may be disappointments along the way in any marriage. It's how you handle them.

this is nothing. let her get good grades and win the extra respect of her colleagues and superiors for focusing on the training rather than sentiments. i'm told by a former commander couples in the military are often under observation by their superiors for signs their emotions are getting in the way of them doing a good job. military women may be looked on as halflings because it's assumed their job will never see the best of them due to their devotion to home, children, husbands, families. sometimes you need to do the work more than impeccably to be held in high regard, and prove and justify the respect you've earned time and again.

tell her to take that time to earn her grades, focus and kick arse and that you believe in her

all the way.

she's not wrong mate, it's hard to focus with a crush. simetimes for days after seeing someone whom you get all excited about.

She is a soldier in the military. She cannot say "no" when she gets called up for basic training. I know people who are military wives and they keep the house going while their husband goes off for basic training, etc. In this case, she is the one going for basic training. Your wife's grades and getting a good position are critical to your future. If she has a good position and you do, too, you will have money when the time comes to properly raise children with all the food, shelter, and education they need. You married knowing she was in the military. Does your country require service for everyone for a couple years?

After she makes her way in her career, she will have more say on where she is stationed and can even have a timeline for the two of you settling down. Or maybe you will live on base where she is at.

Right now, the "balance" is that she is working so she can take time later when you guys have kids or get a little older.

She's trying to go to school on top of working full time?

She's trying to go to school on top of working full time?

I think the school is basic training

Excellence is a habit.

My H used to tell me that I ought to be CEO. Then he judged me for accomplishing things. "We have enough. We don't need to be extra special. "

So he is my ex. Because I am special as they come, and I expect one person on this planet to agree with me, and that person will be my next H.

Your wife isn't choosing her career over you. She doesn't expect to have to choose between you two. She is developing herself to the fullest, something your love for each other helps her have the strength to accomplish.

The word balance is a tricky one. It is different for everyone. I think of balance as a day to day thing. I think of every day as an opportunity to yield as much as I can from it. I find that opportunity compelling. If it ends up making more money or more contacts or better results at something, then that's good too. But the motivation is really the joy of excelling.

Early in my career I worked all night. Now, I have the flexibility to be with my teenagers as they come and go, and I make enough to support tuition and travel etc. Put in the work early, reap rewards for decades.

So, you are asking a lifestyle question. Can you defer the pleasure of time together, to allow each there to pursue more responsibilities at work? It isn't about her love for you; it isn't personal. It's practical.

Well...

Beat advices ever. I will not let sentiments get in service anyway. But it will still visit her and not speak a word but to see her to be close to her. I will play dead but in my heart it will be happy being with her 😌 And since I have done my basic training I will also help her where she is mixed up. I also told her that no matter how much we rise in our careers we will never compromise on kids and our love. Because, the best service to a nation is to provide it with a good family that breeds peace and respect.

Thanks all.

i don't understand, how will you not speak a word to her on your visit? will you like......lurk in the bushes and watch? i mean basically you're going to do what you wanted to do in the first place?

she asked you not to come over. or has she changed her mind?

i don't understand, how will you not speak a word to her on your visit? will you like......lurk in the bushes and watch? i mean basically you're going to do what you wanted to do in the first place?

 

she asked you not to come over. or has she changed her mind?

I think he means not speak a word about this feeling he has? In otherwords, don't bring it up and just be supportive?

That training is all about study and exams. So she has to read rather cram things all day long after classes. People study 18 hours straight to score grades because it is exhaustive. That's why I will play dead not to disturb her during studies.

But I went too far to mix up love and practicality. I thought no matter what, we will meet whenever we could. And now when we could, her career has come in the way. Because even after this, I might be assigned on another duty far from her again. And this thing continues on in military. All my colleagues say that family and career can't go side by side in military or other demanding jobs.

Well...

 

Beat advices ever. I will not let sentiments get in service anyway. But it will still visit her and not speak a word but to see her to be close to her. I will play dead but in my heart it will be happy being with her 😌 And since I have done my basic training I will also help her where she is mixed up. I also told her that no matter how much we rise in our careers we will never compromise on kids and our love. Because, the best service to a nation is to provide it with a good family that breeds peace and respect.

 

 

Thanks all.

Do you remember how busy you were when you did basic training? Do you remember that she probably didn't beg you to quit and be home with her and how she supported you, unless you did not know her then? I think you forget how demanding basic training is and think she can do it AND be home with you at the same time

I did it two years back when we were just friends. And during my basic training my mother was alone since my father died. So I applied for compassionate posting and came to live with my mother because she was all alone. Also, I regularly visited my mother during training. It was a 250miles journey on road every weekend. It is all about priorities. I believe that there is no end to our desires but we loose the best time of our lives in its pursuit. Can money in the later part of our life bring back the time when we could be together? And about kids, they are more tarnished living in a broken family than to have less money. We already have enough. I am confused. I might be placing love too high.

Also, it is not that I will disturb her routine. But at least she could be courteous enough to ask me to come. Is love not passionate? If she is focusing on her basic training so much that she even has lost the courtesy in a relationship how can I possibly assert that she loves me. Soldiers love their country so they are ready to die for it, period. But there is difference between pursuit of career and loyalty to cause. If she loves me she can't give it a second thought whether her grades will be affected knowing that I will just want to see her thats all... Giving a second thought to something puts a question mark on priorities.

I did it two years back when we were just friends. And during my basic training my mother was alone since my father died. So I applied for compassionate posting and came to live with my mother because she was all alone. Also, I regularly visited my mother during training. It was a 250miles journey on road every weekend. It is all about priorities. I believe that there is no end to our desires but we loose the best time of our lives in its pursuit. Can money in the later part of our life bring back the time when we could be together? And about kids, they are more tarnished living in a broken family than to have less money. We already have enough. I am confused. I might be placing love too high.

You are an able bodied man and do not need her to come tend to your needs, where if your mother was an old widow, she might need some help. Also, in male-dominated jobs she might put more pressure on herself to get ahead in her career to compete for positions with the men. She can't file for a compassion posting NOW and then get another one when you have a child - what if she is denied when you want to start a family. She might also want to go back to work after having children and she will be more likely if she is not known as someone who was always asking for accommodations constantly.

Your children are not in a broken family if their parents are married.

Maybe you are very old fashioned and you cannot tolerate the idea of a woman with a career? Do you think she should sit home and bake bread for you?

Why can YOU not move closer to the base where she is training at so you can see her more? Why does she have to be the one to travel?

i just realized i don't actually know how long basic training lasts for. you said you wanted to visit weekends, plural, so does basic training take a month, two, six, a year...i really have no clue. it's one thing if you wouldn't be able to see her for three weeks. but not a single day for, i dunno, months on end, that would be a little suspicious to me.

i do think you sound awfully dramatic though, sorry to put it so straight...but...it'll put her off.

In the US I believe basic is like 13 weeks? I'm not entirely sure though.

I don't know your country, but in the US the military is protective of families. They wouldn't assign a husband and wife to separate regions.

I am already close to where is she getting training. I am not old fashioned she is a conscious choice. And the training is almost four months. We have been married since last year and have not been able to see each other much. Now you can call it dramatic, but I can foresee that due to our job nature we might not be able to see each other much in future. Anyone who has served in military can understand how harsh it can become at times. So, the time we could be together why waste that time.

Our military is inconsistent towards dealing of spouses. Almost all military couplea are virtually living separately. Someone's husband is on foriegn course, someone's wife is posted elsewhere, someone got temporary attachment to another station, someone went to operation area. And it is highly male centric as well. Although I knew all this before we got married since I am senior to her but I just want to realize her that don't waste any opportunity that brings us close.

Our military is inconsistent towards dealing of spouses. Almost all military couplea are virtually living separately. Someone's husband is on foriegn course, someone's wife is posted elsewhere, someone got temporary attachment to another station, someone went to operation area. And it is highly male centric as well. Although I knew all this before we got married since I am senior to her but I just want to realize her that don't waste any opportunity that brings us close.

These are fair points. Any way you can both try and do the same line of work?

Also, it is not that I will disturb her routine. But at least she could be courteous enough to ask me to come. Is love not passionate? If she is focusing on her basic training so much that she even has lost the courtesy in a relationship how can I possibly assert that she loves me. Soldiers love their country so they are ready to die for it, period. But there is difference between pursuit of career and loyalty to cause. If she loves me she can't give it a second thought whether her grades will be affected knowing that I will just want to see her thats all... Giving a second thought to something puts a question mark on priorities.

Why do you mistrust your wife, so much so that you are assigning emotional significance to the way she is going about it?

"at least she could be courteous enough to ask me to come" huh? if you both adhere to this sort of pettiness, then she could be walking around thinking "at least he could be courteous enough to offer to come". I mean, this is shocking to me. Have a conversation for cripes sakes, not a testing session. One of you brings it up, the other one brings it. Who cares?

"If she loves me she can't give it a second thought..." Oh my goodness more tests. If you were to subject me to tests to prove my love for you, I would leave you. Like, in that same instant. Because if I tested you, you would fail. "If he loves me, he can't risk affecting my grades."

"Puts a question mark on priorities" is just wrong. It is inaccurate. You have established in your mind a set of false opposites. If you see the world this way, you are embarking on a life wherein there must always be a winner and a loser. And you are testing your wife's love for you by saying that seeing you is worth risking making herself a loser in her career. Why on earth would you strive to support your relationship at your wife's expense?

Love makes us bigger, not smaller. With all due respect, sir, I question your love for your wife. I am certain you desire her and have come to make her the center of your thinking. You may be addicted to her. You may have all kinds of thoughts involving her and your future, your honor for her and of her as you entrust to her your companionship, the rearing of children together, etc. But love her? I wonder that very much. If you loved her, you would wish nothing but her success and you would be willing to deal with your temporary loss of her company in order to make that happen.

You can have your relationship and your individual ambitions, by seeing each person's ambition as a mutual goal. Be invested in her success. Ask her to make her world smaller and you risk losing her altogether, or at best, having only an empty shell of the woman you first met.

These are fair points. Any way you can both try and do the same line of work?

What if she used the same all or nothing logic about her career? Don't miss any opportunity to excel?

Why is your thinking all or nothing? In a marriage of 50 years, this seems like nothing. I have friends who were apart for the first ten years of their marriage. She was in the army, he was pursuing his advanced degree. Now they have offices adjoining one another. They put in the work to get to this place of happiness.

well i think you're right, you knew what to expect of a military marriage. so i mean even if she gave you a few weekends now, long-term, your marriage will be one where you are separated a lot. unless of course...you expect her to neglect her job and...stay home and bake bread.

not seeing her behavior, i can't really comment on whether she in fact neglects you and is cold or whatever. she doesn't sound overly career driven. i don't think completing basic training with undivided focus is overdoing it with ambition. sounds like she's just doing her job in ways that men are expected to do it without there ever being a debate about it. sounds like a lot of wives are doing it too, and the military men just know that what's being married to military women is like.

husbands aren't homewreckers "causing their children to live in broken homes" for joining the military. it's no different for her.

i'm starting to think the reason she doesn't want visits on weekends is because she can't deal with the stress of being made to feel bad for doing her job, like everyone else in the military. wouldn't be surprised if basic training with no distraction ends up feeling like vaca with bed and breakfast to her, compared to a home life where "you don't need to be so career driven and waste seconds we could spend together" is on repeat.

What if she used the same all or nothing logic about her career? Don't miss any opportunity to excel?

 

Why is your thinking all or nothing? In a marriage of 50 years, this seems like nothing. I have friends who were apart for the first ten years of their marriage. She was in the army, he was pursuing his advanced degree. Now they have offices adjoining one another. They put in the work to get to this place of happiness.

I said his points, which I quoted, were fair.... and they are.