Moving on after death...

I could use some advice or just an ear...

Been married 17 years, and I dont even remember how this came up, something in a tv show or something sparked it. He told me that he wont be able to help falling in love again and would move on when or if I pass before him. This hurts me so deeply. I want to be his forever, not his until I die. I dont know how to get over this, its been a month and hes not very emotional so his reaction to me being so upset over this was just not to think about it. I feel like im the other woman to a woman he hasnt even met. Am I overreacting to this... I feel like even if he felt it it is not something he should have ever ever told me!

These questions are always hurtful so why even bring them up ? It is setting up you or your spouse for hurt feelings . Secondly , why would you want your spouse to be alone and unhappy till the end of their life ? My stepdad his first wife passed on around the time of their 25th wedding anniversary . His children had every intention for him to be miserable and alone for the rest of his earthly days . Because THEY felt that's what he should do . They made the first 15 years of his and my mother's marriage a living hell.

Why would you not want your spouse to be happy if you love them ??? Isn't love wanting what is best for the other person ?

Most people remarry or find a partner again after being widowed and that is very healthy. No one should jump in the grave alongside their deceased spouse. It's not "cheating" to remarry upon becoming widowed.

Surely this is about something else because it won't affect you and there's nothing you can do about it. Do you both have a will, health care directives, etc. that's a more reasonable conversation.

married 17 years. He told me that he wont be able to help falling in love again and would move on when or if I pass before him.I feel like im the other woman to a woman he hasnt even met.

This is usually looked down apon in western culture though it might work in your situation. After death request to be mummified or stuffed. That way it's like you never left. The only problem with this is if he can make you mobile. I would suggest the taxidermist weigh you down this often costs more so start saving your change. You could also consider freezing yourself so you can be brought back at a later date and have the upper hand against time with him. Good luck in either path you choose.

I feel like even if he felt it it is not something he should have ever ever told me!

Generally speaking, the only time this gets mentioned is when one partner is trying to assure the other they could find someone else and not feel guilty. It's never meant as a discussion over whether either partner should or is allowed to find love again after the fact. That's, frankly, a stupid discussion to have. Most the time, unless the widow/er only had so much time left themselves, they will again look for love and, should they be ready to, I wish them the best in it.

If it's any solace, it's often enough even the source of contention for the new loves of widows/ers. Unlike when someone divorces or dumps a partner, the deceased typically resides in a very big place in the widow/er's heart that the new partner will never fill.

But, again, I'm operating under the impression you two weren't enjoying a steak dinner when he blurted out he'd move on if you were to ever die. I'm hoping you weren't asking questions to which an answer didn't need to be vocalized.

The tragedy here isn't that he would move on and marry someone else after you are gone, it's that you are turning this into such a big issue that you aren't allowing him to enjoy his relationship with you while he's alive. Worry more about what happens today than about a future that may never come to pass.

P.S. I've told my wife the same thing, and told her it's okay to remarry if I go first (not that she needs my permission). We want each other to be happy. We're crazy like that.

I can see how those words can be offending to your CURRENT relationship, but maybe your husbands opinion on the subject differs from yours (I assume you would remain a widow until your death) Doesn't make him a bad person or seeing you as not all he would need in his life. He was just being upfront that he is most happy in a relationship and in love with a woman.

I personally would encourage my wife to continue on with another man if I were to die.

Bottom line: Some people are ok to be single for life, others like relationships/companionship.

This is usually looked down apon in western culture though it might work in your situation. After death request to be mummified or stuffed. That way it's like you never left. The only problem with this is if he can make you mobile. I would suggest the taxidermist weigh you down this often costs more so start saving your change. You could also consider freezing yourself so you can be brought back at a later date and have the upper hand against time with him. Good luck in either path you choose.

Wow, you are upset about this for a month. A hypothetical question. After 17 years of marriage. You are having the emotional reaction of a teenager. Why focus on something you can't possibly care about once it happens? You are a adult. Be rational. And if you can't be rational, stop thinking about it.

Jman listening to me seems just as reasonable as worrying what others do when you are in the ground.

Thanks everyone. I of course want him to be happy, I guess I was living in a bubble thinking we would both live until our 90s...

Jman listening to me seems just as reasonable as worrying what others do when you are in the ground.

Thanks everyone. I of course want him to be happy, I guess I was living in a bubble thinking we would both live until our 90s...

Thanks everyone. I of course want him to be happy, I guess I was living in a bubble thinking we would both live until our 90s...

Living into your 90's ain't what it's all cracked up to be!

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i guess only time will tell

Thanks everyone. I of course want him to be happy, I guess I was living in a bubble thinking we would both live until our 90s...

My mother has a great adage; worry about it when you get to it . Don't worry about problems in advance .

Living into your 90's ain't what it's all cracked up to be!

 

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Yep ,my grandfather lived to be 93 and he said it was not all it was cracked up to be for sure . And my grandmother had died 9 or so years earlier. They were married 63 years when my grandmother died and he still went on to have ladies after she died . That certainly didn't mean he didn't love my grandmother .

Now if my husband passed away I don't think I would want to be with anyone. I might like to be alone for a change . But I have told him he can do as he likes he can be with someone if he wants to if I pass. The only stipulation that he has is to always have a home for our son . ( he is disabled)

Yep ,my grandfather lived to be 93 and he said it was not all it was cracked up to be for sure . And my grandmother had died 9 or so years earlier. They were married 63 years when my grandmother died and he still went on to have ladies after she died . That certainly didn't mean he didn't love my grandmother .

Really, far be it from me to pretend like I could imagine, but if I lost my partner of 60+ years, I'd be rebounding 'til the day I my surely still ridiculously buff body was buried as well. Can't imagine just sitting on that kind of pain.

I think it was the companionship more than anything . Being with people of similar life experiences. Others who had lost their spouses ,others who had lived through wars ,others who had fought in wars or husbands had fought in wars . By that point even all his friends were gone . He had his children and his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren . But no contemporaries . And I think that is what he was looking for .

Really, far be it from me to pretend like I could imagine, but if I lost my partner of 60+ years, I'd be rebounding 'til the day I my surely still ridiculously buff body was buried as well. Can't imagine just sitting on that kind of pain.

Is this representative of a rebounding grandpa?...

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Look, OP I'm just going to say this straight. His response is probably his mechanism to "cope" with the idea of losing you. That if he lost you, he would be okay, because he'd find someone else to love. When really, in the dead of night, it probably scares the crap out of him. So the mind shuts down, the mouth opens, insert foot, because he likely cannot fathom what an absolute hell it would be if you did die.

Saying one thing glibly with little to no thought is not to be taken seriously. The fact is this guy, more so than someone who would claim never to love again, will probably be lost if you passed on first. Truly well and utterly lost. I'd be more worried frankly if he'd gone on and on about how he'd never love again, how he'd probably die if anything happened to you, etc. etc.

It may also be he's just experienced losses from people dying and he may have a more realistic view of things now. I know I once felt I couldn't get over any death, but now I'm older and wiser and I can tell you no matter how much the world stops turning in the moment of a loved one's death, life still finds a way to push one forward, willing or not.

I wouldn't read his reply as he doesn't love you, but rather that he so cannot fathom life without you or without love, that he'd rather just produce a glib answer then shy away from the topic altogether. Also yeah, trying to reassure you he'd be okay. In fact, women I think generally are stronger when it comes to loss than men are or that's been my experiences. When I lost a dear friend to a tragic accident, I grieved and healed. When my dad had something similar happen he went on a three months bender after being clean and sober for years, and to the end of his life, could never speak about it without weeping. It was a mercy that he passed away before my mother, because I know he'd have been devastated had he lost her first. My mom though, went on ahead and put together a new life although she missed him fiercely.

So really put this out of your mind. It's one thing to say, "Oh, this and this would happen," but really facing the loss of someone? No one is prepared for that and chances are equally great he'd never love again and would even be haunted by what he'd once told you. If only in jest or out of a sense of "Oh, let's not even look at that, please."

Let this go, neither of you can control when or how or what will happen to do you part. Enjoy the time you have together instead, it's always, ALWAYS, the more important thing. And frankly after you're gone, you won't care. He will be the one left to pick up the pieces and saying he could do that is a far, far cry from actually being able to do so. I know. I've had to do it. Enjoy the life you have here and now, don't worry about what will or won't come to be.

Thank you ParisPaulette, very helpful advise