New member, seeking help :(

Hi all,

My (ex)partner has major anxiety and confidence issues (maybe depressed too). The other week after 3.5 years, she decided she needed her own space and didn't want to be together. I went and met her that day and ended up having a stroll on the beach but she seemed pretty set that she needed space. So I gave her a day or so and then she messaged to say she wants to try as she loves me. 2 weeks on (after being really close talking) and she dwelled on it on her train home. When she dwells, it spirals very fast. I have no idea if it's her quarter life crisis/freakout causing her to say these things. I've always treated her like a queen, I think it stemmed from me not being 'engaging' enough at night (if you catch my drift). But I was purposely not 'engaging' as much as I wanted her to feel as though we could just chill/sleep without 'engaging'. It was to make her feel wanted on all levels not just sexually. Also I feel I may of taken her for granted slightly as I just assumed she'd always be there (I was her idol, she worshipped the ground I walked on). But regardless I always treated her like a queen (all the little things) and just tried to make her life easier.

So basically me trying to be a good decent bloke by not 'engaging' has in fact caused her to lose that buzz a bit (irony). We have a gig on the weekend planned and she wants to go still although she said not to get too excited (don't think she thought the double bed through!). 2 nights, 2 meals out and a gig (3 hour drive each way). I guess most guys would be loving the opportunity (which I am) but I am concious it could be our last time doing something together which is going to make sunday ridiculously hard.

Any advice would be massively helpful as I am lost

Thanks in advance for any help, really appreciated

Sorry to hear this. It's a bit confusing as to whether you are broken up or not if you have a trip planned. Was this planned before the breakup?

Why did she need space? Yes withholding sex and affection is nonsense. It's usually seen as passive-aggressive and cold and many women also feel shut out and some feel undesirable.

What was the real reason for your withholding sex/affection? And is that the specific reason she cited as the cause for breaking up? Usually that's talked about, no?

We have a gig on the weekend planned and she wants to go still although she said not to get too excited 2 nights, 2 meals out and a gig (3 hour drive each way). I guess most guys would be loving the opportunity (which I am) but I am concious it could be our last time doing something together.

Sorry to hear this. It's a bit confusing as to whether you are broken up or not if you have a trip planned. Was this planned before the breakup?

 

Why did she need space? Yes withholding sex and affection is nonsense. It's usually seen as passive-aggressive and cold and many women also feel shut out and some feel undesirable.

 

What was the real reason for your withholding sex/affection? And is that the specific reason she cited as the cause for breaking up? Usually that's talked about, no?

Hi Wiseman,

Thanks for your prompt reply.

We were together till sunday just been (I think I`m single now, not quite sure). She just said she lost that fizz and as we're both mega shy introverts, we never talked about it. I just assumed she was happy because she was smiling, I only found out this recently and wish she told me.

I see your reasoning on the affection side. That was my genuine reason, she is so so so so nervous and shy and anxious with everything, I just wanted her to feel loved on all levels and not as if I was using her just to have her about as such. I know, utter rookie mistake, I've never been good with women!

The main reason was just she felt like she wasn't right for me (even though she's pretty spot on in my opinion) and coupled with that lack of fizz.

Thanks again for your reply

Hey Wiseman2,

I did reply but it's not showing! Sunday just gone I think we split up by what she was implying. We had the gig booked for a couple months.

I think she wanted space as she feels like she isn't right for me and lost the fizz a little. My honest reason is as I say, she's super fragile and anxious and I just wanted her to realise I`m not with her for one thing (we still did engaged over this time just not enough obviously). Absolute rookie mistake I realise now! As we're both shy introverts and she didn't mention it, I assumed all was ok.

Thanks for your prompt reply

The one word that stands out to me in your posts is "assumed assumed assumed". I think that's your biggest problem. Way too much assuming going on and not enough actually asking, talking, clarifying and actually communicating with each other clearly. Stop assuming, talk to her. If she is so "fragile" that talking will break her, then frankly she is not fit to date and no big loss to you, however, I doubt she is really that fragile.

The one word that stands out to me in your posts is "assumed assumed assumed". I think that's your biggest problem. Way too much assuming going on and not enough actually asking, talking, clarifying and actually communicating with each other clearly. Stop assuming, talk to her. If she is so "fragile" that talking will break her, then frankly she is not fit to date and no big loss to you, however, I doubt she is really that fragile.

Good points and I totally agree! She isn't too fragile to talk to but she is a really anxious person and can quite often end in tears.

So do you think I should just lay out the relationship stuff clear when I see her friday-sunday? Or should I be playing it cool to wait and see?

Thanks for your reply

Good points and I totally agree! She isn't too fragile to talk to but she is a really anxious person and can quite often end in tears.

 

So do you think I should just lay out the relationship stuff clear when I see her friday-sunday? Or should I be playing it cool to wait and see?

 

Thanks for your reply

I think the two of you need to have a serious all cards on the table type conversation soon. Do not keep playing it cool and delaying - that's just a road to more miscommunication and more assumptions being made on both sides and as you can see that's not working out so well.

Agree. You were playing it way too cool all along and that's why she left.

should I be playing it cool to wait and see?

So you both agree, first night away at dinner or something. Just lay it out and hope for the best? Or wait till day two?