Girlfriend is very upset with me and wants space

My girlfriend of 2 years has stopped talking to me after I basically told her that I was nervous about moving in. I just freaked out because I am so used to living alone and I had a bad experience before living with another girlfriend who ended up cheating on me.

The truth is that I DO want to live with her and I want to marry her. I can't now though because she wants to break up or at least have us both work on ourselves. She said she is sick of me accusing her of thinking she's better than everyone, not caring about me, etc. It's true that sometimes I accuse her of these things because of the tone in her voice. I guess I misinterpret her? She said that it's actually my self esteem and I need to work on myself. There are good things about our relationship too though-we share the same sense of humor, lifestyle, have a good sex life, etc.

She was so mad about this moving in situation because she had already told her apartment that she would not re-new her lease as she was under the impression that we were going to get a place. I told her I was nervous and asked if she could re-new her lease. I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I have a hard time making decisions. So, she gets furious. She stopped answering my calls, texts, etc.

Even her Mom, who I have gotten close to, won't answer my calls.

Tonight I decided to go to her current apartment (that she will have to leave at the end of April). She told me she can't just say she's going to be with me now because it will make me think it's ok to treat her this way. I told her how important she is to me, how sorry I am and that I would help her in anyway. She has found a new place to live (which I dont know where) and I told her I would even be willing to live there with her in a one bedroom(we had talked about needing a few rooms for my music equipment).

She said that she never say's "Never say never" and that we both need to work on ourselves because there is too much negativity. Then she started to cry and we held each other for a bit. She said right now she needs space and that she hopes that I work on myself for me.

I am completely devastated. Is there hope to rekindle this relationship? I told her that I don't want to be with anyone else.

Well.. if you are not ready to go there.. then that is something she NEEDS to understand and respect.

I agree- she should have renewed that lease.. Not pressure you this way...

BUT- at the same time.. maybe you might want to consider some prof help.. therapy? If you feel a need to approach your 'issue's, which are affecting this relationship- which she's ended.

That or take it all and accept.. that you just can't do it... and leave her be.

>> Too much negativity going on?.. need to work on yoruselves? Yes, shows there's some problems that need to be worked on.

You may not want to be with anyone else-- and that's good. Would hope not! You're not even in the right mind to consider that!

Because you have issue's to deal with.

Now.... back off, respect her wishes.. and think about taking care of yourself for a good while! Cause you're not good when still affected from your past.. or you two are going at each other in such negative ways.

Some might say.. stick it out and fight for her.. etc. But, I'm not sure if it's just a little too late? it's been 2 years?

Space is what she wants now.

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Some might say.. stick it out and fight for her.. etc. But, I'm not sure if it's just a little too late? it's been 2 years?

Space is what she wants now.

Yeah, we have been together for 2 years. I'm not sure how this makes it too late?

At 2 years a pattern has been set. Your relationship pattern sounds unhealthy and passive-aggressive. It's hard to tell whether you are too insecure or she is over critical. Chances are that there is some of both. Leaving it to the last minute to tell her that you are not moving in shows lack of healthy communication and commitment. These are patterns that are hard to break. It sounds like you don't bring the best out of each other and that's a serious issue. A radical change is needed so that you each face your issues and don't end up wasting each other's time.

If you're not ready, your not ready. Better for this to have happened than you moved everything in, committed to a lease together, and then stuck being miserable.

When she signs her new lease, tell her to do chose a month-to-month lease, not a year lease.

And every weekend, go apartment hunting together for a really really fantastic apartment that will suit both of your needs and have enough space for your music equipment. You can take all the time in the world to find a place together and maybe you'll be ready by then.

It absolutely sounds like you are both in two different head spaces. My feeling is that if you weren't ready, you should have been open with her as soon as you felt this way. Not leave it for her to think that you're both on the same page, then appear to have doubts. There's also several underlying issues too which make an ugly passing appearance but you both keep pushing it back under the carpet. It's actually better that it's all come to a head before you moved in together!

I agree with the other reply that you accusing her of sounding like she is better than other people is rather passive aggressive. But on the other hand, are you saying that she is rude and critical of others?

You also struggle making decisions - why is that?

My friend and her partner recently broke up due to differing personalities and communication issues similar to yours. They were living together for a year and these issues really came to light then. If you don't bring the best out of each other living apart then you definitely won't do that living together. Are you actually a good match or can you change some of your behaviours and thought patterns? That's what you need to ask yourself whilst she's having space. I bet you that is what she's also considering.

It sounds like the two of you have some communications issues. Did you two talked about moving in together and agreed to it? Then you told her after she didn't renew her lease that you didn't want to move in together anymore? If that's the case than I would be mad. You can't agree to to something and than the last minute change your mind. Yes, that would be a deal breaker for me.

If you didn't agree to to moving in together and she automatically assumed and didn't re-new her lease on purpose to pressure you, than she's being too aggressive. In a sense, controlling.

I'm not sure the whole story, but either way, there are many different issues. Communications being one of them. Yes, I think you should consider counselling to work on some underlying issues.

Yeah, we have been together for 2 years. I'm not sure how this makes it too late?

What I meant here, was, in 2 yrs time... you had this time to work on what was causing problems- if she has now pointed them out... instead of it coming down to this point with the 2 of you.

As someone mentioned, passive aggressive tude, to what seems like lack of communication.

Like she said.. you two need to work on yourselves.. and it's to the breaking point now.

I suggest you sit back n take a good look at what's going on... and see where & what it is, that needs improvement... and work on that.

Sorry to hear this. But actually, not moving in is a good call on your part. Not because of prior experience but because of the current situation. "Lease being up" is not a good reason when there's too much unresolved conflict.

Agree with her comment about this: "we both need to work on ourselves because there is too much negativity".

But the 'never say never' cliche is nonsense string along talk that people say during breakups.

Work on yourself. Confidence, saying what you mean meaning what you say, decision making, communication, etc. Don't just bob around through life like flotsam and jetsam. Have a direction and take control of the sails with your mind set on things.

My girlfriend of 2 years has stopped talking to me after I basically told her that I was nervous about moving in.

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I mean if this is her reaction to something she just assumed rather than explicitly communicated would go her way, I can't help but wonder if she's not the type to get a passive aggressive / quippy tone. It's also interesting that if you've been the headache she claims, it's when you won't flat out move in with her that she throws in the towel.

If you really feel like you've got issues from childhood, it couldn't hurt to check out a therapist. However, I wouldn't be so quick to chalk up your hesitance to psychobabble. Plenty of people, myself included, are perfectly fine not moving in two years in, and that's when there aren't noticeable issues to resolve. It could have been just as easily your common sense speaking to you while issues are still in the air or you may juts want to milk the abundance of solo space before you potentially sacrifice it for good.

Yes, I do think I have some passive aggressive behavior. Honestly, we have gotten into a lot of arguments and they have all been over the same thing mostly, which is me misinterpreting her tone or what she say's. She thinks I have low self esteem and that is why I am misinterpreting it.

Last night she said she can't look at me the same. Or doesn't know if she will. Then she started to cry because she said she did picture us having kids at one point. I held her and told her family is more important than anything and she agreed.

I didn't mention on my original post that when our initial argument over moving in began, I did tell her that I wasn't sure I had lived enough, didn't wanna grow up, didn't want kids, etc. I was being STUPID. I know now with her gone that I do want those things. I told her this and I told her I am an idiot for doing what I have done. She just said we need to work on ourselves. She won't respond to any texts, calls, etc. I guess I'll just DISAPPEAR.

Let me backtrack a little though, and say that there was another side to this initial argument that we had last week when the apartment came up. Basically I wasn't feeling well and she acted like she didn't care, so I said, "Ok. I'll just talk to someone who cares" She hangs up. I call her back and we argue. I bring up a message that her MOM had sent me on facebook two years ago (before I even met her mom). In this message her Mom say's that her daughter "runs" from things. One of my biggest fears has been to get some sort of illness down the line and my spouse takes off. I watched this happen to my uncle and it was awful. So, I sent my girlfriend the message. Her Mom is always in communication with us. It's almost like she's in the relationship. Would always call me and talk to me if we had an argument, etc.

So, over the weekend neither my girl or her mom would respond to me. Until finally her Mom emails me and say's she is upset about me sending her daughter that note, saying I twisted it around (how could i have done that?), etc. This all happened BEFORE last night by the way when I actually saw my girl in person. I drove to her apartment because she won't answer my calls. I know, I'm not doing that again. She went on to tell me how mad her mom and dad are (they are both separated). I told her that I would try to call her Dad and apologize, but it's late. Then she said, "You're just saying that, he stays up late." Well, after I left her place, I called and he didn't answer. But I go home and text her Mom (who is not answering phone calls). I tell her that I responded to her email. Now, normally she prefers that I call her "Mom" but in the email I addressed her by her first name. So, I get a text from her and I think she meant to send it to her daughter instead because it reads, "He called me (first name), so I can't read the rest...with a frown face emoji). What the hell does this mean? So I write back, "Mama (First name)?" She goes, "Yes, it's ok....goodnight" What the hell??

To continue with her Dad: I drove to his place today to apoligize and he didn't answer the door. He is handicapped though and has trouble around the house. I call again and no answer. I drive to her Mom's...(I know I am acting like a fool, but I feel like this is the only family I have) I just lost my beloved Grandmother feb 25th who practically raised me and I was very close with). I still have my Mom and younger brother, but that's it. So, her Mom answers the door. All smiles, hugs me and just say's "I am making dinner right now, I can't really talk. I emailed you. We all just need to grow and heal" I tell her I tried to call the Dad and she then say's she is concerned because she called him earlier too and he didn't answer. I tell her I am sorry for everything and she tells me that I dont need to keep apologizing, that I am not a bad person. She asks me if I am going to promise to take care of myself and I say yes. We hug again and then she texts me and say's that he was getting ready for bed and was not able to answer the door (again, he is handicapped and a bit of a longer), but I can call him tomorrow.

What does all of this mean? I really felt close to them for a while and I know that I have made tons of mistakes, but is there any chance that I can get this right and work things out?

It's also interesting that if you've been the headache she claims, it's when you won't flat out move in with her that she throws in the towel.

 

And she say's she can't trust me because of it. She said I can't ever make up my mind about things and that one day, maybe two years from now...I would just leave her or something like that.

What I meant here, was, in 2 yrs time... you had this time to work on what was causing problems- if she has now pointed them out... instead of it coming down to this point with the 2 of you.

 

As someone mentioned, passive aggressive tude, to what seems like lack of communication.

 

Like she said.. you two need to work on yourselves.. and it's to the breaking point now.

 

I suggest you sit back n take a good look at what's going on... and see where & what it is, that needs improvement... and work on that.

Do you think that we can work it out? I want to convince her that I do want to be with her. I even called her Dad the other night to apologize to him about the whole situation. He just said he thought space and time would be good for her right now. Then he went on to suggest ideas for me and her to do for future dates to create "more positive experiences."