Money in a long term relationship?

Sorry I didn't know what to call this or really what section to post in. I've just stumbled upon this site when googling for advice and I hope you could help me.

I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

 

My partner and I have been together for 4 years living together for 3 of those and we are the same age 35. I am a surgeon (Doctor) and my girlfriend was a Sales rep for a large firm but unfortunately got made redundant at the end of August 2016. Since which time she has been unemployed and searching for work. with the exception of a few temping roles here at there from agencies but these tend to be week long roles to cover sickness.

 

My girlfriend is in debt, she helped out a family member who had got themselves into an awful financial state a while ago, back when she was working and the loan repayment was perfectly manageable for her.

 

I make good money (sorry if that sounds braggy, that is not my intention) but I like to be careful with my spending. My girlfriend currently has very little income from just occasional temping roles. She is trying very hard to get a job, she would happily to anything, from waiting tables, to office work excreta but she is having a really hard time find full time permanent work.

 

Up to this point we have kept our money separate, we take it in turns to pay for meals/weekends away and split the household bills equally.

 

I guess my question is what would you do, if you were me? Would you pay off the debt, to ease the situation? there is currently something in my mind stopping me doing that and I don't know why. I am currently paying more than my share of household bills due to her situation, which she feels both very guilty and grateful for as she's quite a proud person and had been in full time employment from leaving college until now. She has never asked or hinted at me paying off her debt.

 

 

One other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

 

I'd like to point out this is a serious relationship and we are very happy together and I see this as hopefully lasting indefinitely.

 

I hope this makes sense to you and maybe someone out there has got some advice.

 

Many Thanks

 

Matt

I can only tell you what I would do . If you see this as a permanent relationship one that you want to spend your life in what affects her affects you . My husband and I completely combine our finances there's no half of this and half of that and half of the other . His bad fortune is my bad fortune his good fortune is my good fortune and vice versa .

Two scenarios:

 

If you were married, how would you handle things

If situation were reversed, how would you expect her to respond

Can the family pay her back? Is paying off her debt a gift or a loan from you?

My girlfriend is in debt, she helped out a family member who had got themselves into an awful financial state a while ago, back when she was working and the loan repayment was perfectly manageable for her. One other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

As good natured as your thoughts are, I would reconsider. Even though you are thinking long term, doesn't mean you should pay off your partner's debts, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. The real question would be, are you ok paying off her debts if you never got that money back (even if she offers to pay you back) and you two are no longer together? I don't say that as if you two won't work out, but just so you have no regrets if the worst comes to happen. There are other ways to help your partner - help with job applications, connections, networking, recruitment agencies she could call etc.

 

However, if you pay off her debts anyway, make sure it doesn't hurt your credit. Never co-sign.

Does the UK for real include boyfriends / girlfriends in household income? Here in the States, in most cases, only spouses and dependents are included. And I'm pretty sure 4 years would be too early to complicate it with common law classifications.

I think your instinct is correct in terms of not paying off the debt. You are not husband and wife and besides, bailing her out like that won't actually solve her unemployment situation.

 

I'd continue to pick up more of the living/entertainment expenses for now. However, it sounds like she actually needs serious help with how to find a job. So perhaps you can fund a resume writing service, interview coaching, etc. If you talk to pharm reps, maybe you can ask around for any openings, use your connections to help her find some kind of work.

 

Looking from the outside in, good sales people are not made redundant. Those who are fired, are the ones who are not performing up to par. Even if the company closes down, a great sales person won't go unemployed for long. They are needed and hard to find. So either there is something off with her CV that's making managers look past her or something goes sideways during interviews or her expectations about the job, salary, commission, etc. are off. Any of the three will stop a person from getting hired.

You say she is trying really hard, but perhaps it's not about how hard but the manner of. She needs help, but not of the bill paying kind. Think more along the lines of don't give a man a fish, give him the means to fish.

Does the UK for real include boyfriends / girlfriends in household income? Here in the States, in most cases, only spouses and dependents are included. And I'm pretty sure 4 years would be too early to complicate it with common law classifications.

 

Yes unfortunately here regardless of if you've been together 2 months or 20 years you are judged on a household income if you are a co-habiting couple.

I think your instinct is correct in terms of not paying off the debt. You are not husband and wife and besides, bailing her out like that won't actually solve her unemployment situation.

 

I'd continue to pick up more of the living/entertainment expenses for now. However, it sounds like she actually needs serious help with how to find a job. So perhaps you can fund a resume writing service, interview coaching, etc. If you talk to pharm reps, maybe you can ask around for any openings, use your connections to help her find some kind of work.

 

Looking from the outside in, good sales people are not made redundant. Those who are fired, are the ones who are not performing up to par. Even if the company closes down, a great sales person won't go unemployed for long. They are needed and hard to find. So either there is something off with her CV that's making managers look past her or something goes sideways during interviews or her expectations about the job, salary, commission, etc. are off. Any of the three will stop a person from getting hired.

You say she is trying really hard, but perhaps it's not about how hard but the manner of. She needs help, but not of the bill paying kind. Think more along the lines of don't give a man a fish, give him the means to fish.

 

 

Thank you for your reply and I completely get where you are coming from. I didn't go into details, her firm went into administration she wasn't fired or let go in that sense. Also since then, we have moved for my job meaning that contacts she had made are too far away. However you are completely right in suggesting I help with the unemployment side of things rather than the debt, because as said above that's not actually going to help long term. I think this is what I was thinking, just not able to verbalise.

I personally agree with Seraphim's view - generally speaking. However, it is all very personal and individual. Depends also on what your relationship is like, if you envision being together for good, how solid your commitment is, etc.

 

If your instinct or something else is preventing you from bailing her out, how about taking a middle road? Actually, if I imagine myself in her role, middle road is what I'd probably be happy with, even more so than someone paying my debt. For instance, I have a lot of student loans. So, if I'd get seriously involved or even married, since my debt is so big, and - similarly to your girlfriend- I'm quite proud, I wouldn't want my partner to pay it off for me (unless he were quite wealthy). It might chip at my pride. But paying and supporting basic living expenses- that, yes. So, her debt is her debt, but while she is struggling, if you help support her with paying more for rent (or even all of it temporarily?) and other expenses she is struggling to afford - that's helpful. Where exactly the middle road lies is difficult for me to say, b/c I'd need to see all the numbers and budget sheets and decide on what's reasonable.

 

Once again, this is just a personal opinion, which is the only ideas I can provide. It really is a very personal question and depends on each couple individually.

Do not pay her debt, but if you are living together and she IS obviously trying to work and she is not sitting around, then you help her out by buying the groceries. You stop eating out to save money - you know, the basic necessities so she can use her money to pay her car insurance, etc, any upkeep on her wardrobe like drycleaning to keep up her appearance and occasionally get her hair cut so she can also present a professional appearance. Do you own the house or does she? Maybe paying a little more of the bills that don't change based on two people - the basic stuff - so she doesn't have to dip into her retirement fund should be in order.

ne other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

 

can she claim that that is a roommate? afterall, if she lived with her parents or lived with two other unrelated women, they wouldn't deny her unemployment because she had housemates, right?

ne other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

 

can she claim that that is a roommate? afterall, if she lived with her parents or lived with two other unrelated women, they wouldn't deny her unemployment because she had housemates, right?

Worth exploring. Sounds ass backwards that simply cohabiting for a day essentially accounts for each other's assets. Not sure what's to stop anyone from just saying they have an opposite-sex roommate, particularly considering there's no paperwork for just being a couple. I could understand if the cohabiting couple had a child together, I could understand, but it sounds like the OP has done more research than me, so I'll defer.

 

And, on the note of "if she lived with her parents," while I'm sure not a very popular or easy decision, is it possible she could in fact reside with her parents until she locked down sustainable work?

 

I'm not a fan of paying off a partner's debt, especially without being married and when the indebted partner isn't established and definitely doing his/her part to repay it. When I was in the hospital for over a week in January, there was a big risk my insurance wouldn't cover it as there'd been a lapse after the 2017 changeover. My girlfriend offered without solicitation to help out if it came to it, saying she knows how hard I work and she'd only be glad to. Now I'm way too stubborn to ever take her up on something like that, and it all ended up working out anyhow, but I imagine her and you are likely similar in having the means to help, which brings on the desire to. Still, I'd hope your girlfriend would feel the same as I did and decline unless she were to ever find herself in some real dire straits.

 

And, to be completely fair to your lady, you mention she hasn't even suggested you paying down her debt anyway, so I don't mean any of this to chide her in any way. Really, you helping her out and fronting the bulk of other costs while she gets herself back together seems like plenty help to me. It happens in plenty of long-term relationships and, so long as it's temporary, is pretty harmless when it comes to potential resentment or inequity.

 

That said, something like 9 months effectively unemployed is nothing to scoff at, even if it is still an employer's market. It's sounding like, in some way, she's the common denominator. Has she had someone touch up her resume a bit? Gone to any workshops? Is she more or less reliant on the employment agencies to find her work? And, while it's not ideal, if she's getting passed over for more entry-level work, she may want to consider smartly dumbing down her resume a bit.

Did she put herself in debt to loan to family?

 

I'm of the camp that money and love are seperate things. You are helping out of kindness by paying parts of her shares of bills, groceries, etc.

 

Gifting or loaning her money to pay off a debt she chose to take on, understanding that unemployment is a part of life and to be factored in, I do not think is wise. And if she truly is proud as you say, she'd say no anyways and would be scrubbing toilets already. Speaking as a proud person myself - there is ALWAYS work, depends though what you are WILLING to do.

 

Her motivation to fix this may be lower because she knows she does have the safety blanket of you. She'll have a roof, good food, bills paid, while she looks for what she WANTS.

 

Just my perspective

By the way, I don't think it's a bad thing she can wait a bit because of you for work that is a bit better. I just think it's more than enough as a partner to extend.

 

There are situations where we really are over a boiler, and I'd save 'rescue money gifts' for that. And even then, don't go in debt to do it.

One other point is that she can't claim any kind of unemployment benefit as in the UK it is done on household income, so my earnings prevent her doing that.

 

I guess it is a common law system where you are? Can you perhaps pay off a small chunk of the debt, enough to prevent the interest from compounding beyond the normal rate, and let her pay you back interest free, at whatever rate she can afford? That would at least relieve some of the pressure.

I

Looking from the outside in, good sales people are not made redundant. Those who are fired, are the ones who are not performing up to par. Even if the company closes down, a great sales person won't go unemployed for long. They are needed and hard to find. So either there is something off with her CV that's making managers look past her or something goes sideways during interviews or her expectations about the job, salary, commission, etc. are off. Any of the three will stop a person from getting hired.

You say she is trying really hard, but perhaps it's not about how hard but the manner of. She needs help, but not of the bill paying kind. Think more along the lines of don't give a man a fish, give him the means to fish.

 

I was made redundant when the company closed all their stores and went to catalog=only sales. I DID get another job, but had to switch fields in order to work around my school classes. it was the only place that afforded me a good salary and accommodated my classes.

 

Also, if she is in a tech field or servicing certain industries, there is a non compete clause. I know someone who was a salesperson for an automotive supplier and they had a 3 year noncompete to not work for a competitor. But if she moved away and lost her contacts, that explains things, too. She might have easily been able to get a job through one of her contacts but she is no longer in the geographic area to do so. Also, the industries are different - if i drive an hour south, there are tons of sales jobs of every sort in tech, luxury, B to B, but if I lived 2 hours north of where i lived now - MAYBE there is a job at the tractor dealership but its really few and far between to find a lucrative sales job. You would have to start your own business or learn a trade to make it in that area.

 

If your girlfriend moved to a different area to be with you because of your job, i would definitely be more open to the idea to taking on more of the bills because she made this trade off for you.

I paid off my hubby's debt the same month we got married.

 

She can't qualify for unemployment because she is with you - think about it.

 

It's one thing if she wasn't applying anywhere, or gambles or overspends, and she's so picky that she's turning down jobs, but she's not. She's trying her best, and feels guilty. I don't know - I have always been raised with a what's mine is yours attitude when you're married, so if you are serious about marrying her one day, you may want to just pay if off. I don't know how much debt it is, but if it's $2K, come on then. Anything over $10K, hmm, not sure if she can refinance the loan she has, or sell some stuff.

 

Honestly, I would do it, but that's just me (granted still don't know how much in debt). I think long haul, because his debt would become my debt. Now, if you aren't planning to get hitched, then take a look at her CV and resume, and see if there's anything wrong. Ask your hospital or where you're at if there are any admin positions open. Ask associates and friends if there are anything for her.

 

Keep in mind, my hubby is a great contributor now, and wonderful hubby and father. But he did have a bunch of debt coming in, and we took care of it, and just moved on with our lives.