What should we do when the break is finished?

My boyfriend of a year and I got into a cycle of argument recently, and its killing both of us. So he decided to call a break.

in the beginning I disagreed and refused to take a break when he brought up this idea, but the next day we sort of went on the break automatically.

We exchanged some texts the next day. And when I called him, he didn't pick it up. He texted me and told me that he's busy with work.

the next couple of days things were pretty much the same: texts only, no phone calls at all.

To be honest, I freaked out coupe of times already. He texted back and said "everything will be ok, don't worry" "the key is to improve how we communicate."

Looks like he really wanted to take a break. Since we always spend weekends together, last Friday night I called him just to see what was going on.

He didn't answer my call again. So I texted and said "we need to communicate, being ignorant is not helpful, you can't ignore me forever, etc."

He then said that we were on break and asked me what I wanted to talk about.

There's nothing I really wanted to talk about. I just tried to reconnect with him because I sill love him and I miss him tremendously.

He didn't want to argue with me and suggested that we talk another time, also told me that he has an really important meeting on Monday morning. So ideally we can have a conversation on Monday evening. I agreed to leave him be till Monday.

I don't know if it will be a midpoint conversation, or we will officially end the break.

What I would like to know is how should I approach him when we are back in communication again?

We will have some issues to be solved (issues that caused the argument): he's under a lot of work stress now, managing his own business/company.

And I will have to move out the country for at least three months soon. We will then become long-distant.

I am quite confused where we stand, I would love to clarify things with him. But with so many things going on in our lives, all we want is peace and a smooth relationship. However it seems like we do not even have the confidence we will have that, because everytime when one of us tries to talk about it, we fall into the circle of argument again

I need some guidance and advice.

Your thoughts and experiences are very much appreciated!

How do you improve communication when you don't speak to one another? That makes no sense!!!

Have you tried couples counseling?

I asked him one time and he said he didn't believe in counseling

I would say just give him the space he needs. While others find it strange, this works with a few of my friends. It is a time to re-focus, see the value of the other (you know how they say, you take things for granted until you lose them), and regain momentum. For us who do not exactly want this set up, it is just an act of support for the other.

Be calm and do things you can do by yourself, that otherwise he wouldn't have done with you. I am sure you can find something.

If he needed space, you are not giving it to him by telling him that you need to communicate or just call to find out what he's up to. For goodness sake, give the guy a FEW DAYS to miss you. He's had enough with the arguing and needs some head space. If you stop checking in with him - he initiated the break after all, he has a chance to miss you. By telling him that you need to communicate, that you can't be ignorant about what's going on, you are in effect "arguing" with him about the break. So stop it.

So please, just give him a few days of radio silence from you. Don't call him because its your usual night to go out. Don't text. I guarantee that if he just needed to clear his head, he will contact you in a few days IF you leave him alone. And when he does don't talk about "how he is not communicating".

Maybe he does mean to break up with you - who knows. You'll see shortly.

I do not think - unless something happens like an injury happens to one of the couple that will affect their life (couple is grappling with the shock and learning if the one person can stay on after and are wrestling with it), that a couple should go to "couples counseling" within only a year of dating. If you can't communciate without arguing, it means you are incompatible. If you were married 10 years and had a communication breakdown at that time but things were great in the beginning - then i'd do counseling - but if you have been arguing for months, i think honestly if a break doesn't reboot this and make you realize how each of you make this dynamic happen, you should break up. It is not worth a lifetime of bickering

I asked him one time and he said he didn't believe in counseling

 

There's your answer. He does not want to work through the issues, and will not talk to you. How can you have a future with someone like this, if he does not care about the relationship.

 

Stop allowing him to string you along. Stop texting/calling, and if he wants to reconcile, insist on counseling. If not, be done, as you will return to the same place.

 

I would focus on moving on from relationship.

There's your answer. He does not want to work through the issues, and will not talk to you. How can you have a future with someone like this, if he does not care about the relationship.

 

Stop allowing him to string you along. Stop texting/calling, and if he wants to reconcile, insist on counseling. If not, be done, as you will return to the same place.

 

I would focus on moving on from relationship.

Actually, if my boyfriend of one year or less asked me to go to counseling because of our problems (unless it was grief counseling - we were in a car accident with someone who died or some MAJOR thing like that), i would not go. i would tell him that either we are a fit or we are not. You can't put a square in a round hole. If we went to a relationship workshop for couples who had HEALTHY relationships - a getting to know you better thing - I would totally go to an enriching thing. And i am very self-reflective, a person that jumps on self improvement. If we cannot naturally get along in the first year, we don't belong together.

The three months living long distance IS something they should talk about. Does he feel that because she is STILL going away, vs changing her plans because she met someone, does that mean she is not committed to the relationship? Does he feel that she doesn't appreciate the stress of having your own business. Does she feel that the relationship has been long enough to expect him not move on after she moves away and doesn't see why he's raising a stink? But these are something to not seek a counselor on, but to write her thoughts out for herself and to reflect on while giving him a couple days for him to think about it himself as well.

Maybe she should consider them broken up - but i don't think the fact that he doesn't want to go to relationship counseling to 'fix" a short relationship should be taken into consideration

Actually, if my boyfriend of one year or less asked me to go to counseling because of our problems (unless it was grief counseling - we were in a car accident with someone who died or some MAJOR thing like that), i would not go. i would tell him that either we are a fit or we are not. You can't put a square in a round hole. If we went to a relationship workshop for couples who had HEALTHY relationships - a getting to know you better thing - I would totally go to an enriching thing. And i am very self-reflective, a person that jumps on self improvement. If we cannot naturally get along in the first year, we don't belong together.

 

The three months living long distance IS something they should talk about. Does he feel that because she is STILL going away, vs changing her plans because she met someone, does that mean she is not committed to the relationship? Does he feel that she doesn't appreciate the stress of having your own business. Does she feel that the relationship has been long enough to expect him not move on after she moves away and doesn't see why he's raising a stink? But these are something to not seek a counselor on, but to write her thoughts out for herself and to reflect on while giving him a couple days for him to think about it himself as well.

 

Maybe she should consider them broken up - but i don't think the fact that he doesn't want to go to relationship counseling to 'fix" a short relationship should be taken into consideration

You're right! I think I missed the one-year bit.

I think you need to give him the space he says he wants. You've been pestering him a lot and he's not liking it very much. Try backing off and giving him time. Your neediness is not becoming.

I would say just give him the space he needs. While others find it strange, this works with a few of my friends. It is a time to re-focus, see the value of the other (you know how they say, you take things for granted until you lose them), and regain momentum. For us who do not exactly want this set up, it is just an act of support for the other.

Be calm and do things you can do by yourself, that otherwise he wouldn't have done with you. I am sure you can find something.

yeah, I think I should support him by giving him space to sort out whatever issues he has..

If he needed space, you are not giving it to him by telling him that you need to communicate or just call to find out what he's up to. For goodness sake, give the guy a FEW DAYS to miss you. He's had enough with the arguing and needs some head space. If you stop checking in with him - he initiated the break after all, he has a chance to miss you. By telling him that you need to communicate, that you can't be ignorant about what's going on, you are in effect "arguing" with him about the break. So stop it.

 

So please, just give him a few days of radio silence from you. Don't call him because its your usual night to go out. Don't text. I guarantee that if he just needed to clear his head, he will contact you in a few days IF you leave him alone. And when he does don't talk about "how he is not communicating".

 

Maybe he does mean to break up with you - who knows. You'll see shortly.

 

I do not think - unless something happens like an injury happens to one of the couple that will affect their life (couple is grappling with the shock and learning if the one person can stay on after and are wrestling with it), that a couple should go to "couples counseling" within only a year of dating. If you can't communciate without arguing, it means you are incompatible. If you were married 10 years and had a communication breakdown at that time but things were great in the beginning - then i'd do counseling - but if you have been arguing for months, i think honestly if a break doesn't reboot this and make you realize how each of you make this dynamic happen, you should break up. It is not worth a lifetime of bickering

I agree its not worth of a lifetime bickering... life is too short and I am hoping that we could find away out eventually... I will leave him be and stop pursuing him. if h wants to come back, I am sure he will. I should just focus on myself in the meantime

I think you need to give him the space he says he wants. You've been pestering him a lot and he's not liking it very much. Try backing off and giving him time. Your neediness is not becoming.

I never thought that wanting to clarify communication during this time is actually needy.. thanks for reminding me.

He's trying to break up but is a coward. I would bet money this break will eventually turn into a break up.

I've never had a break with any of my boyfriends. And not all the relationships I've had are healthy. But no, never any breaks.

If you're in a serious, loving relationship you work through the stress together. What's the point of having a significant other if you just take a "break" every time things get tough?? It defeats the purpose of a healthy fulfilling relationship.

He's trying to break up with you but doesn't want to come out and say it. If I was you I would brace myself for a break up.

He's trying to break up but is a coward. I would bet money this break will eventually turn into a break up.

 

I've never had a break with any of my boyfriends. And not all the relationships I've had are healthy. But no, never any breaks.

 

If you're in a serious, loving relationship you work through the stress together. What's the point of having a significant other if you just take a "break" every time things get tough?? It defeats the purpose of a healthy fulfilling relationship.

 

He's trying to break up with you but doesn't want to come out and say it. If I was you I would brace myself for a break up.

omg, I really hope that's not the case.

Just before my husband and I got engaged, we were on a break. We were arguing a lot and he asked me for some space. At the time I was like you, freaking out and etc.. A very dear friend gave me the advice to just give him the space, respect his need for space. She just told me to give him a time time frame. So I gave him 3 weeks (that was my term) At the time, the way I was freaking out and reacting to his need for space, I myself had to work on myself. I said 3 weeks to give myself space as well.

I say, he's only asking for a few days, it's not a lot of time apart. You should just respect that. How would you feel if you need space and he keeps calling asking you to talk? You will feel pretty disrespected, right?

Everyone needs space sometimes, it's like how we need air to breathe. A few days is not a long time and maybe you could use this time to clear your mind as well. Stop thinking way too much into it and give him his space until Monday. The more you push by calling or texting him, the more you are pushing him away. I think everything is going to be okay. He wouldn't have given you a time and date if he is planning on breaking up with you. Now, if you continue to texts and call him during this next few days, he might break up with you. Just saying! Give him time to miss you.

Just before my husband and I got engaged, we were on a break. We were arguing a lot and he asked me for some space. At the time I was like you, freaking out and etc.. A very dear friend gave me the advice to just give him the space, respect his need for space. She just told me to give him a time time frame. So I gave him 3 weeks (that was my term) At the time, the way I was freaking out and reacting to his need for space, I myself had to work on myself. I said 3 weeks to give myself space as well.

 

I say, he's only asking for a few days, it's not a lot of time apart. You should just respect that. How would you feel if you need space and he keeps calling asking you to talk? You will feel pretty disrespected, right?

 

Everyone needs space sometimes, it's like how we need air to breathe. A few days is not a long time and maybe you could use this time to clear your mind as well. Stop thinking way too much into it and give him his space until Monday. The more you push by calling or texting him, the more you are pushing him away. I think everything is going to be okay. He wouldn't have given you a time and date if he is planning on breaking up with you. Now, if you continue to texts and call him during this next few days, he might break up with you. Just saying! Give him time to miss you.

I agree with this.

I do not agree that he will break up with you - or that he's asking for a break because it's a cowardly way of breaking up.

You need to exercise patience here. Stop calling, let go for a while and get yourself busy. If it helps, write down all your thoughts and feelings in a journal or somewhere to get out your frustrations but do not send him any messages or contact him. If you keep pestering him, you'll feel insecure when you get back together, that HE wasn't the one to come back to you, that YOU had to chase after him to get him to talk/meet. Wouldn't you feel a lot happier and more empowered if HE is the one to come back and thank you for giving him space and wanting to work on things?

And if he doesn't, then he doesn't. But at least then you will know for sure.

I know it's a cheesy cliche but: 'if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours and if it doesn't it was never yours to begin with'.

And I totally agree with the others who said: LET HIM MISS YOU.

How is he supposed to do that when he hears from you?

If it helps, my bf asked for a break of two weeks recently for the same reasons.

He came back with a clearer head and more willingness to work through problems.

And that was TWO WHOLE WEEKS.

I was going a bit mad. But i stuck with the no contact and it paid off. He thanked me after.

Be strong and good luck.

Unfortunately he is ending the relationship due to arguing adding too much stress. Wait for him to contact you. Stop texting and 'negotiating' or clinging.

I agree with this.

 

I do not agree that he will break up with you - or that he's asking for a break because it's a cowardly way of breaking up.

 

You need to exercise patience here. Stop calling, let go for a while and get yourself busy. If it helps, write down all your thoughts and feelings in a journal or somewhere to get out your frustrations but do not send him any messages or contact him. If you keep pestering him, you'll feel insecure when you get back together, that HE wasn't the one to come back to you, that YOU had to chase after him to get him to talk/meet. Wouldn't you feel a lot happier and more empowered if HE is the one to come back and thank you for giving him space and wanting to work on things?

 

And if he doesn't, then he doesn't. But at least then you will know for sure.

 

I know it's a cheesy cliche but: 'if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours and if it doesn't it was never yours to begin with'.

 

And I totally agree with the others who said: LET HIM MISS YOU.

 

How is he supposed to do that when he hears from you?

 

If it helps, my bf asked for a break of two weeks recently for the same reasons.

 

He came back with a clearer head and more willingness to work through problems.

 

And that was TWO WHOLE WEEKS.

I was going a bit mad. But i stuck with the no contact and it paid off. He thanked me after.

 

Be strong and good luck.

Thanks so much for the feedback!

Yeah, he called me last night when I was out with my friends. I told him I'd call him back when I got home.

We talked for over an hour and we didn't really talk about the problems that caused us fight/argue before.

It was more like a phone call catching things up, updating each other and laughed about things happened over the weekend.

it was good but I think we are still taking baby steps to where we were before, which is understandable..

I agree I should practice my patience here and allow him more time and space to accomplish whatever he is doing.