Dating a man(29) who was with a high schooler, legal... what to think??

I am looking for a general sounding board on how people in general would feel about this situation. It makes me uncomfortable but I am not sure if I am being just overly reactive and of course we have been involved for awhile now and it is hard to just walk away:

Right now I am dating a man who is 29 and slowly details have come out that he was with a girl who was 18 about a year and a half ago. The area that I become uncomfortable is that he first met her when she was 15 and because they were both in the same music school, they became facebook contacts. Down the line, he reached out to her on facebook and they started talking regularly over text. A trip for a wedding brought him out her way across the country when she was a senior in high school. They decided to meet up and share a hotel room but he insists there was a couch so it wasn't intended to be sexual. I really have trouble believing that and it feels sugar coated. He tells me it was strictly platonic up to this point but it became physical. He had a long distance "thing" but not relationship with her where they met up a few times and he eventually cut it off. He says it was because of the age.

What concerns me is that he was striking up an online dialogue and kept it going with a high schooler he barely knew. And also, that I feel like he wasn't very forth coming about it but, then again, when they met up it was legal. Something still makes me feel uncomfortable about it. A question about boundaries or maturity? Part of the issue for me, is that I can't even imagine trying to date a guy who is 21 and him and I are the same age.

I would deeply appreciate hearing from other people's points of view on this. Would you be completely okay with this? Do you think I am overreacting? Or, do you think this is something I should take more seriously.

I wouldn't be ok with that, no.

I would be gone, so fast you'd hear the sound barrier being broken. I mean, come on, look around you. How many bad stories involve older men and teenagers or older women and teenagers and criminal charges and lives ruined.

Also gotta love his excuse that he cut it off because of the age. Okay, yeah then so why reach out and be in contact with a teenager in the first place? You'll note he wasn't concerned about her age or lack thereof to the point of grooming her and then getting physical later, don't care if it was legal, it was not equal. But now suddenly he's a good guy 'cause oh I broke it off 'cause of her age, when um that didn't stop him before.

Seriously, why are you even contemplating a guy like this? That's a giant red flag, and that usually heralds other giant red flags. Him minimizing his responsibility and actions on it also are another serious red flag.

You couldn't pay me to date someone like that. Could.not.pay.me.

But then I was groomed and nearly sexually assaulted by an adult when I was young, so I tend to take a really harsh dim view on the whole issue. That man screwed my head up about men in general for a long time and it took therapy to make things right. And it's something I should never have had to go through in the first place. And he was oh so "loving" and never got violent with me either, which just added to the confusion and problems. So can you imagine the headspace of a 15-year-old who then gets involved with an older man, finally has sex with him, and then he breaks it off with her after a few times?

This is the person you're dating.

I would be gone, so fast you'd hear the sound barrier being broken. I mean, come on, look around you. How many bad stories involve older men and teenagers or older women and teenagers and criminal charges and lives ruined.

 

Also gotta love his excuse that he cut it off because of the age. Okay, yeah then so why reach out and be in contact with a teenager in the first place? You'll note he wasn't concerned about her age or lack thereof to the point of grooming her and then getting physical later, don't care if it was legal, it was not equal. But now suddenly he's a good guy 'cause oh I broke it off 'cause of her age, when um that didn't stop him before.

 

Seriously, why are you even contemplating a guy like this? That's a giant red flag, and that usually heralds other giant red flags. Him minimizing his responsibility and actions on it also are another serious red flag.

 

You couldn't pay me to date someone like that. Could.not.pay.me.

 

But then I was groomed and nearly sexually assaulted by an adult when I was young, so I tend to take a really harsh dim view on the whole issue. That man screwed my head up about men in general for a long time and it took therapy to make things right. And it's something I should never have had to go through in the first place. And he was oh so "loving" and never got violent with me either, which just added to the confusion and problems. So can you imagine the headspace of a 15-year-old who then gets involved with an older man, finally has sex with him, and then he breaks it off with her after a few times?

 

This is the person you're dating.

You might be right. As far as I can tell though, and he showed me their initial contact over facebook she was 18 at the time he started messaging her. I was under the vague impression she was been maybe 20 or 21 (not from him, I just assumed).

I am sorry that happened to you. I also had some weird non physical thing with an older man starting when I was 13 and I think it is a little hard for me to look at this objectively.

I'm a little distraught over what to do because it is in a grey zone where yes, she was a legal age. I just don't know what to think

I'm a little distraught over what to do because it is in a grey zone where yes, she was a legal age. I just don't know what to think

Being a guy, I don't think there is a grey zone. It's a giant red zone! The guy is 29, which means he was 27 or 28 when she was 18. There's something wrong with that. I feel like it lacks a moral boundary. I would move on. I give him credit for being honest with you, however at that age he should know better.

I also feel it's something that would linger in the back of your mind. If you can't shake it now, it's something that could potentially plague you.

There are PLENTY of guys who haven't been in his position. Find one of those, you'll be better off.

Good luck.

It's wrong in terms of life experience. One the reasons we as a society have statutory rape laws now, is because it's been recognized there is a disparity in experience and knowledge between the young and the older people. If she were even 22 or 23, this would not be so great or so weird. At that point she will hopefully have been on her own enough, dated enough people, and have enough life experience to be able to hold her own against a 29-year-old man.

But what you describe, first of all, let's get real. He started in on this girl when she was 15, then had enough contact with her to be comfortable enough to go to a hotel room with him when she was a senior in high school. Did her parents know about that? Were they cool with it? Personally, I think she's damn lucky she didn't end up on a milk carton or another one of those cases I am seeing way too much of in the media where the girl is killed or trafficked.

They had sex, you don't rent a hotel room with a teenage girl then swear it was all okay and platonic when you're a grown man. You just don't. So legal schmegal. Yeah, he sugarcoated it all right. And that's your biggest red flag of all. He is working really, really hard to make this all sound like it was legal and above-board. Why is that? Might want to do a background check and see if this guy has charges against him. Not to mention what's going to happen the next time some young female catches his eye.

I think he told you all this, because he's afraid it would get back to you sooner or later and when it does you won't be so happy with the real truth of it. I have no idea what there is to be confused about. He did something that was borderline illegal, most definitely not okay with this girl's parents, something that could have landed him in hot water had the cops caught wind of it:

A man in his late 20s, who has been in touch with a girl since she was 15, persuades her now as a high school senior to go to motel with him. Do you know what a cop would do with that information? What her parents would do?

There's your answer. There's nothing confusing about this to me, I know you like the guy so you're trying really hard to shout down your own intuition and agree to his minimizing.

And I think that's sad and kind of pathetic that you're letting his lack of moral boundaries now become your own. Would you have done this with a 15-year-old boy, and then tried to tell yourself it was all okay when he was a senior, because "nothing happened" and oh he was of legal age of 18?

If the answer is no, and why, then you have your answer. Scoe is right, most men I know would never do what this guy did.

So he met her when she was 15....waited until she became legal and went out of his way to contact her then, and then just happened to be in her area and shared a hotel room. It seems very deliberate and calculated to me. I'd be gone if I were you.

While I do question it any time a stable adult seeks out high schoolers or teens just out of school, what concerns me most about this is just how concerted an effort it seems to have been. Personally, most 18 year olds don't look a whole lot different than younger teens, so I've never related to the "barely legal" appeal, but a guy who happened by a late teens gal with boobs and a pretty face creeps me out much less than a guy who probably age checked her Facebook profile to see if it was time to strike yet.

In your situation, I'd be worried about the guy popping a boner any time you two happen to drive past a high school.

It would bother me, yes, most definitely. He was basically preying on a teenager and he was much older. Even if he did wait till she was of age to have sex with her, it still says something about him and his mentality.

No, I wouldn't want a man like that.

what concerns me most about this is just how concerted an effort it seems to have been. Personally, most 18 year olds don't look a whole lot different than younger teens, so I've never related to the "barely legal" appeal, but a guy who happened by a late teens gal with boobs and a pretty face creeps me out much less than a guy who probably age checked her Facebook profile to see if it was time to strike yet.

We call that "grooming" in law enforcement terms. And yes, OP that's what is so alarming. He groomed this girl from a young age to be ready to have sex with him when she was "legal." This wasn't just, "Oh yeah, we bumped into each other at a concert when she was 18, I know her, it was love." Bad enough then, but this is what bothers me so much about this.

This guy kept tabs on this girl, and when she was a high school senior, he went to her area and rented a hotel room that he took her to. Do you really think he didn't have any contact with her prior to that. That takes some serious trust building to get anyone to be okay to just sneak off to a hotel room. How many times would you have gone and done that if you barely knew the guy or just started to have contact?

And then once he had what he wanted a few times, he dumped her. And suddenly "age is a problem" when it never stopped him before he got what he wanted.

There is why your alarm bells are going off so strong. Gah, now I'm off to check my teen's social media page, again. Because no, girls are not the only ones targeted.

It sounds like a red flag. All of it. The long distance, a 26 y/o man chatting with a 15 y/o kid on fb for years? Meet her as soon as she was legal for sex (no one gets a motel room together to be friends). Not a pedophile, but perhaps immature? And this is only one story he told you. Has he ever had a relationship with grown women?

he first met her when she was 15 and they became facebook contacts. They decided to meet up and share a hotel room but he insists there was a couch so it wasn't intended to be sexual.

It sounds like a red flag. All of it. The long distance, a 26 y/o man chatting with a 15 y/o kid on fb for years? Meet her as soon as she was legal for sex (no one gets a motel room together to be friends). Not a pedophile, but perhaps immature? And this is only one story he told you. Has he ever had a relationship with grown women?

I am reading all of your comments and discussing it with a friend as we speak. I don't think they were chatting for years. It was something like he suggested she apply somewhere when she was 18 but then he kept the conversation going. I think they were probably talking a lot over the course of a few months and then he went to his friend's wedding on the west coast. She would have driven about 4-5 hours to get to the same city though. I do think he was misrepresenting it being strictly platonic. And, it really bothers me that he is twisting the truth... I feel like my intelligence is being insulted (platonic hotel sharing with girl been chatting with online).

ETA: He has dated somebody else who was close to our age in recent years and I know was involved with somebody who was 31. He hadn't had many actual relationships for a few years though.

This is only what he's told you and that you know. Tip of the iceberg, because you know he has no problems bending the truth.

Not only would I dump him in the blink of an eye, I'd put as much distance between himself and myself as possible. I'd have him on my radar in case anything ever comes back to me - and god knows what he has done or will do.

I hope you were practising safe sex and even if so, is go get checked to be sure.

Agree, his taste in girls/women is way off.

Sorry but this lmao

In your situation, I'd be worried about the guy popping a boner any time you two happen to drive past a high school.

You are not overreacting.

Self respect and respect for others go hand in hand.

Why doea this profile of a person even interest him? Young? Obedient? Easy for him to have the upper hand? Won't want a career if he can get to them soon enough? Certainly he isn't expecting to find a peer with whom he can form a healthy relaionship. I can't think of any idea that speaks to a young woman's humanity or to his own. Only transactional interests of sex and service.

Ick.

Flag=red, with red lights blinking. Run.

I think you should leave. Yikes. red flags.

You might be right. As far as I can tell though, and he showed me their initial contact over facebook she was 18 at the time he started messaging her. I was under the vague impression she was been maybe 20 or 21 (not from him, I just assumed).

 

I am sorry that happened to you. I also had some weird non physical thing with an older man starting when I was 13 and I think it is a little hard for me to look at this objectively.

 

I'm a little distraught over what to do because it is in a grey zone where yes, she was a legal age. I just don't know what to think

It's not that ParisPaulette "might" be right, she "IS" right. Please listen to her advice.

I have ended things.... ..

Talked to him, really pushed the topic, and seemed to fall into a pit of red flags. I wasn't letting him get off with sugar coating and called him out on it bluntly. Found other prior interests in girls 18-20 and found out he was diminishing and lying about other things (debt, physical preferences, drinking). In shock and sad. Just really shocked and sad. Feel mislead on multiple fronts. Not just omission but like he legitimately mislead me. Criticized people for credit card debt when they just want an extravagant lifestyle? Over $10,000 CC debt from travel and vacation on top of the $40,000 in student loans I already knew about. Told me he specifically isn't into *skinny* women? Was targeting models and ballerinas. Was drinking less than before? Drinking a bottle of wine while alone.

Not in a great mood right now. We had a good chemistry and SEEMED compatible on many fronts. It is going to take awhile for the degree of "sugar coating" to soak in. I am a little scared that all of this was able to just go under the radar without me knowing any better. I am feeling happy we were not together for even a year. I feel like he was on a constant quest to just save face.

He was very kind, supportive, talented, friendly, owned his own house, had his masters. Going to miss his friendship and companionship

He sounds creepy to me..... chi

I'm sorry that happened. Don't blame yourself, one of the things to keep in mind when dating is to get to know another person fully. And you don't do that in a month or two or even three. So what happened here is just that, it seemed good, then you saw a red flag. Started poking about that and the larger truth came out. And I can't say I'm surprised, because people who would do what he did tend to have other skeletons.

But yeah, it sucks. Someone can appear to have so much potential and then you find out how much of it is a sham, or maybe not a sham, but the red flags are just too many. This has happened to me more times than I care to admit.

The good news is you found this out now, small comfort that that is, so heal and move forward. Keep in mind many people don't have these red flags, but when they do it's just better off not to have them in your life.

Sorry, I wanted to be wrong on this just so you know, I really do not like telling people when I think they should run away from a relationship, contrary to what some feel. It's just, I've been there enough to recognize serious red flags, which is what dating and life teach us, I suppose.

Come here if you need to vent, we're here to support you. You did the right thing, but it sounds like he put up a pretty good act for a bit until he knew sooner or later the truth would come out, and he was trying to circumvent that. It sucks, I know. Internet hugs.

Yikes- Super sketchy!

You made a terrific choice; to leave this sheister in the dust.

{Quote}. "Over $10,000 CC debt from travel and vacation"

Yeah, we all know how that money was spent. Probably flying out to all the different states where young girls have just turned 18 years old. Probably with the excuse, "Attending a wedding" then off to the hotel room with a fresh 18 year old, each time.

Yikes- Super sketchy!

You made a terrific choice; to leave this sheister in the dust.

 

{Quote}. "Over $10,000 CC debt from travel and vacation"

 

Yeah, we all know how that money was spent. Probably flying out to all the different states where young girls have just turned 18 years old. Probably with the excuse, "Attending a wedding" then off to the hotel room with a fresh 18 year old, each time.

I doubt it was that sinister. I don't think he is so premeditated as much as he is a bit clueless with the girls issue. As far as the money is concerned though, major lack in maturity mixed with what I would assume is totally different financial personality than myself.

I can't say that I am 100% convinced the age thing is a trend for him or not. I found out he was following a 15 year old on instagram and he said he only met her once and thought nothing about following somebody. And, I asked him to show me that he didn't have a backlog of messaging girls so young and there WAS a girl who had been 18. He said he didn't know how young she was.

In the end, I don't know if I care what the precise truth was. He kept repeating about the one he had an online texting relationship with and then met that he was "trying to help" and give her advice on boys, where to apply to study music. whatever. Sugar coating and skeeved me out. I literally said: Come on now, I know men and I wasn't born yesterday.

Still not super happy about things.

It's wrong in terms of life experience. One the reasons we as a society have statutory rape laws now, is because it's been recognized there is a disparity in experience and knowledge between the young and the older people. If she were even 22 or 23, this would not be so great or so weird. At that point she will hopefully have been on her own enough, dated enough people, and have enough life experience to be able to hold her own against a 29-year-old man.

 

But what you describe, first of all, let's get real. He started in on this girl when she was 15, then had enough contact with her to be comfortable enough to go to a hotel room with him when she was a senior in high school. Did her parents know about that? Were they cool with it? Personally, I think she's damn lucky she didn't end up on a milk carton or another one of those cases I am seeing way too much of in the media where the girl is killed or trafficked.

 

They had sex, you don't rent a hotel room with a teenage girl then swear it was all okay and platonic when you're a grown man. You just don't. So legal schmegal. Yeah, he sugarcoated it all right. And that's your biggest red flag of all. He is working really, really hard to make this all sound like it was legal and above-board. Why is that? Might want to do a background check and see if this guy has charges against him. Not to mention what's going to happen the next time some young female catches his eye.

 

I think he told you all this, because he's afraid it would get back to you sooner or later and when it does you won't be so happy with the real truth of it. I have no idea what there is to be confused about. He did something that was borderline illegal, most definitely not okay with this girl's parents, something that could have landed him in hot water had the cops caught wind of it:

 

A man in his late 20s, who has been in touch with a girl since she was 15, persuades her now as a high school senior to go to motel with him. Do you know what a cop would do with that information? What her parents would do?

 

There's your answer. There's nothing confusing about this to me, I know you like the guy so you're trying really hard to shout down your own intuition and agree to his minimizing.

 

And I think that's sad and kind of pathetic that you're letting his lack of moral boundaries now become your own. Would you have done this with a 15-year-old boy, and then tried to tell yourself it was all okay when he was a senior, because "nothing happened" and oh he was of legal age of 18?

 

If the answer is no, and why, then you have your answer. Scoe is right, most men I know would never do what this guy did.

I am rereading this post because it was one things that reinforced my own feelings. I think the whole thing was just shocking to me and I didn't know what to think. Like, I know him, he does seem generally normal... but, what?

It seems like he wasn't texting her before she was 18 but then, like I said, I looked briefly and did see he had been liking her photos. He said that doesn't mean anything. I don't want to think too in depth with it, because it scares me. All I know is I didn't feel well about the whole thing.

He said her parents and family knew. Again, what he said. I asked him if HIS family knew. He said no of course not. I asked him what I am supposed to tell people about why we broke up, example: "His history with 18 year olds made me uncomfortable." He really didn't want me telling people that. Yet again, he said multiple people told him what he was doing was fine back in the day. So.... why I can't tell people that was a factor in why we broke up?

I still have only told one close friend and have yet to consider how I will tell my family etc. "He was bending the truth on topics that make me deeply uncomfortable" ? Or, "I wasn't sure if I can trust him" Don't know..

I would go with "He was bending the truth on topics that made me deeply uncomfortable" is good. When they ask what about, depending on how well you know the person you can say anything from "I don't want to get into it" to "Well, his interest in much younger women for one thing and his lies about things like money for another" and leave it at that. Or you can just say, "I lost interest," that works too. Whatever you want to say, but you don't really owe someone a massive explanation on why you left someone you weren't married to, not in a hugely long term relationship with or anything. "Our core values didn't match." "What core values" "Him sleeping with barely legal teenagers for one."

Pretty sure your parents are just going to think, "Oh good, now we don't have to track his every move every time one of the teenage relatives is in the house with him at the same time, and our daughter did good dodging that bullet."

Also you need to stop taking his word for things. He's lying that that girl's family knew and was "fine" with it OR his own family would know all about it and be fine with it. But you show me any parent who will be cool with their 18-year-old daughter getting a hotel room with a 29-year-old male that was only ever in her life via school and then Facebook from the time she was 15 and I will show you either a) a parent who knew nothing about that and would have rained fire down on the guy for it or b) a crap parent who shouldn't ever have had kids in the first place.

Look, the guy lied to you or didn't offer up the truth until you probed on a lot of stuff like his finances, his interest in younger women, etc. I wouldn't take his word for anything that happened as law or the truth either. His reaction in you not wanting to tell his family about it shows he did and still is hiding the truth about that. If it was all "fine" then why doesn't he want his family told about it? Makes no sense, but then people who are lying never do.

You dodged a bullet. Just accept that and move on. The more you post, the sketchier this one sounds. Like something out of a Dateline episode almost.

P.S.

I found out he was following a 15 year old on instagram and he said he only met her once and thought nothing about following somebody. And, I asked him to show me that he didn't have a backlog of messaging girls so young and there WAS a girl who had been 18. He said he didn't know how young she was.

So he admits that he follows underage and/or barely legal girls on social media, this you know, (why is a grown man following a 15-year-old on Instagram that he met once??? Right, nothing sketchy about that at all) . Would you be okay with your 15-year-old daughter having a guy who met her once now following her on Instagram. I wouldn't. So as of now you know he's followed at least two 15-year-old girls on social media that he claims to barely know or have known.

That is not normal. What it is, is scary.