GF breaks up but now needs emotional support

Hi all,

I've posted in here before but there has been an update on my situation this week. This is where we are at:

My GF of 3 years broke up with me in early January 2017 after 3 months of me feeling she was becoming more and more distant and consequently doing everything that I could to prove my love for her. She eventually told me she didn't love me anymore, wants to date other people and that she'd been thinking about the breakup for a while. I also eventually found out she cheated on me with a colleague of hers and that everyone at work knows about it.

Now, the apartment we bought last year is up for sale and we have visits lined up for tomorrow, Sunday. I have not seen her in a month and since, her medical condition has deteriorated (she has a non-curable disease but it is not life-threatening) and her grandma passed away. A few days ago, she texted me: "I don't know how to start off but I feel you have been cold and distant lately. I don't know if you still want to be "friends" until we sell the place, but seeing you would do me a lot of good. Nothing is going right in my life right now and even though we are no longer together, you were my backbone those last 3 years. If ever you want to come over and match movies or go bowling, I would really appreciate it

Do you think there is any hope for reconciliation when I see her tomorrow? I mean, she is still moving ahead with the sale of the apartment but I can't help but think she is sending mixed signals and might be reconsidering her decision.

Sorry this happened to you. Good you moved out and are selling the place. Unfortunately she lost any bf or friend privileges when she cheated, a told you she didn't love you and dumped you to date around. It doesn't work that way.

No do not be friendzoned like this because you were her backbone. She made her (bad) choices. What she wants is hand-holding and friendzoning. Moving out and selling the place are very clear and definitive signs it's over, unless you want fwb or hookups, stay minimal contact.

She eventually told me she didn't love me anymore, wants to date other people and that she'd been thinking about the breakup for a while. I also eventually found out she cheated on me with a colleague of hers and that everyone at work knows about it. she is still moving ahead with the sale of the apartment

 

she texted me: "I don't know how to start off but I feel you have been cold and distant lately. I don't know if you still want to be "friends" until we sell the place, but seeing you would do me a lot of good. Nothing is going right in my life right now and even though we are no longer together, you were my backbone those last 3 years. If ever you want to come over and match movies or go bowling, I would really appreciate it

If you want to be her mangina, then go for it. If not, then you tell her that you want more than just being friends and won't settle for less. Hanging around as 'friends' after you've been romantically involved with someone, wanting and waiting for more is a pretty crappy place to be. You'll be in that position until she finds her new guy and it will happen. Then what?

She is not considering getting back with you at all. She is telling you that she wants you to be her friend and an emotional tampon while you help her through her sadness.

I would tell her that since she chose to end the relationship, you cannot be her buddy. Wish her well and suggest she rely on friends during her hard time.

Do you think there is any hope for reconciliation when I see her tomorrow?

Not even slightly. She wants the comfort of what she had while you were together while she looks for new guys to build that with. This is a trap with a bright neon THIS IS A TRAP sign sat right over it.

Once she gets what she wants, she will be gone.

Why on earth are you hoping to reconcile with a cheater?

Where is your self-respect?

It seems evident that she knows you have none, and that she can wipe her feet on you. If you want to confirm to her that her assumption is correct, go ahead and meet up with her. Just be aware that she'll be gone again when the next shiny new object rolls into her view.

from what you wrote, do you see any kind of pattern?

i see nothing about your feelings or how this would help you out, all i see is that she is concerned about her needs

dont do it unless you are ok with being her friend.

Pretty much what the others said. So she found out the grass isn't greener and no one else will give her a pass on her bad behaviors the way you did. Damned by faint praise, is what that is.

Tell her you're really sorry, but you two are broken up, you still have feelings so can't be friends. You'll help sell the apartment, but you aren't interested in being her emotional support and she should have thought of that before she cheated on you and then broke up with you.

Yes, be harsh. It will actually do this speshul snowflake a world of good to hear the sun doesn't rise and set on her after all. Maybe she'd grow up then.

Being asked back to make someone who hurt you feel better about themselves is the most doormat thing a person can do. I've done it. Know what I got? Walked all over and then kicked out when someone else came along. Sorry, but you need to wake up and look at what you wrote again. Is that the kind of person you think you deserve?

Thanks all, OP here.

Just want to clarify a few things:

I have no choice but to see her tomorrow to talk about taxes, sale of the apartment and exchange some stuff (backpack, clothes, etc.). It sucks, but I can't cut all ties right now.

As bad as it sounds, I wouldn't mind the hookups even though I know it would hurt like crazy. I'm trying to control that aspect of my "needs".

My plan is to tell her I tomorrow we can't be in the grey zone: either she wants me to support her and be in her life as her boyfriend (even with all of what has happened I would hope we would both be willing to work on our relationship together) or not at all. The emotional tampon, I was exactly that for months while she was - at least emotionally - cheating on me. I was actually starting to feel better last week before she started writing to me again a few days ago.

The more time passes since the breakup, the more I realize I can't be friends with her, at least not now. My plan is to go NC for two reasons.

a) because as stated above, I started feeling better when we were not in touch

b) with time, we will both move on and make our own lives and maybe if we are both ready one day we can reconcile and try again... I can't lie and tell you I am not hoping she comes back crawling soon because that would be my IDEAL scenario.

Thoughts on my "gameplan"?

Sounds like a good plan. At least it's not all about her, right?

My plan is to go NC for two reasons.

a) because as stated above, I started feeling better when we were not in touch

b) with time, we will both move on and make our own lives and maybe if we are both ready one day we can reconcile and try again... I can't lie and tell you I am not hoping she comes back crawling soon because that would be my IDEAL scenario.

Thoughts on my "gameplan"?

The problem is she's a cheater. You want to get back together to stop the pain but you won't accept that she would prefer to be over you and banging other dudes.

It's called being a Beta.

The problem is she's a cheater. You want to get back together to stop the pain but you won't accept that she would prefer to be over you and banging other dudes.

 

It's called being a Beta.

Yes... but I'm hoping with time she realizes that grass is not always greener on the other side (I saw a great thread on this on this website a couple of weeks ago) and would want to reconcile on an "exclusive" basis. That way, I would have the bigger end of the stick - or it would at least be equal - and I honestly feel it could work. We have such great chemistry and I truly believe she is the one.

Yes... but I'm hoping with time she realizes that grass is not always greener on the other side (I saw a great thread on this on this website a couple of weeks ago) and would want to reconcile on an "exclusive" basis. That way, I would have the bigger end of the stick - or it would at least be equal - and I honestly feel it could work. We have such great chemistry and I truly believe she is the one.

I believed once in that "the one" BS but am blind no more. There is no "the one", there's lots of of "ones" that are the right fit for you. Even if you *do* believe that "she's the one", you're not "the one" for her apparently. Set her and yourself free and explore those other "ones".

I think you are right, there are others out there. Since we've been broken up, I've been on 5 dates with 3 different girls. I sometimes compare them to my ex but I'm trying really hard not too. I can't say I'm THAT interested in the one I am seeing now, but it keeps my mind busy and we never know who I could meet. That's what a lot of people told me to try and I'm hoping you guys agree with them.

So it is decided. Tomorrow, when I see her, it will be either black or white. If she doesn't want me in her life as her boyfriend, I just can't be there and that would mean the start of minimal contact (until we sell the apartment) and then the NC for whoever long it might take before we want to see each other again...

Agree. Some people have the heal, be a monk for a while approach ok but some say get back in the saddle asap. Up to you.

Nothing wrong with robot mode dating to get the ball rolling and true, you never know who'll come along. You seem to have insight that jumping from the frying pan to the fire as far as relationships go is not going to work so that's good.

As far as this situation, as long as you don't get sucked in and duped and stay objective, you'll do ok.

Since we've been broken up, I've been on 5 dates with 3 different girls. I sometimes compare them to my ex but I'm trying really hard not too. I can't say I'm THAT interested in the one I am seeing now, but it keeps my mind busy and we never know who I could meet. That's what a lot of people told me to try and I'm hoping you guys agree with them.

It looks like the well went dry, and she's coming up empty. Also, it may be helpful to ask yourself if the price of this gamble is worth the risk, especially when you're looking at the long term.

In any event , be careful to not sell yourself short.

Thanks, @Wiseman2.

Even though I am sometimes still in denial, hoping she comes back, trying to convince her to give this a second chance and whatnot, I feel I am moving forward slowly. I found myself laughing for the first time in MONTHS last weekend and I'm excited to move into my own apartment in early May.

Is it possible that there are two trains of thoughts going on simultaneously in my mind? The first where I am moving forward as explained above while on the other hand I am convinced she will come back crawling sooner or later and can't wait for that day to come?

I think that's the nature of detaching. You're still attached, but you're beginning to cut away some of those threads that have the two of you tied together. They don't just disappear overnight.

2 steps forward, one step back.

You seem pretty pragmatic about all of this...

Would you actually want her to come "crawling back", anyway? I know it's a figure of speech, but in the realm of relationships, it's a lousy one.

"I feel you have been cold and distant lately."

That's hilarious. You should have just sent a text back that said "lol."

She's cheated on you. She's dumped you. You need to shake yourself out of cuck mode because even if she wants more than a cuddle buddy to vent her daily frustrations to, it won't last.

This is like folks who take advantage of the downtrodden dumpee for sex except here you don't even get the benefit of cumming. You just get humiliated. You're Keep it strictly business and get the apartment sold.

Thanks, @Wiseman2.

 

Even though I am sometimes still in denial, hoping she comes back, trying to convince her to give this a second chance and whatnot, I feel I am moving forward slowly. I found myself laughing for the first time in MONTHS last weekend and I'm excited to move into my own apartment in early May.

 

Is it possible that there are two trains of thoughts going on simultaneously in my mind? The first where I am moving forward as explained above while on the other hand I am convinced she will come back crawling sooner or later and can't wait for that day to come?

I think it is very possible to have those two trains of thoughts. As time passes, the good train of thought will get stronger while the bad one slowly vanishes.

It's only been a short time since the breakup and you aren't over it yet. Having to still deal with her doesn't help. We all talk tough, but I think most of us have been in situations in which we just want the pain to stop and are perfectly willing to sacrifice some dignity to make that happen. I know I have. But you have to try hard now to think ahead to a time when you'll be over her and looking back on all this; when that happens, you don't want to find yourself cringing the memory of weak behavior on your part.

I would tell her to get bent; period. You aren't going to be her friend or her emotional support. She lost any claim to that when she broke up with you and now you just want to get this apartment business settled so you can move on with your life.

I think that's the nature of detaching. You're still attached, but you're beginning to cut away some of those threads that have the two of you tied together. They don't just disappear overnight.

 

2 steps forward, one step back.

 

You seem pretty pragmatic about all of this...

 

Would you actually want her to come "crawling back", anyway? I know it's a figure of speech, but in the realm of relationships, it's a lousy one.

Pragmatic is the one word everyone I am friends with would use to describe me so you pretty much nailed it! At this point, if I am being honest with myself and all of you, the answer is YES, I would want her coming back to me. I somehow can't seem to stop loving her even with all the pain she has caused me. It is still my firm belief that she will do just that one day or the other but at the same time, what I hope the most is that I'll have moved on and maybe even be happy with someone else.

In order to get through this challenging time and reach a stage Krankor described ("completely over her) I have to keep it strictly business (same suggestion as j.man). I've been telling myself - and even told her - that I could be the nice guy that I have always been even throughout the breakup and remain friends until we settle the apartment and all of that - but the more time goes by the more I realize every time I see her or think about her it sets me back.

Either she wants me or not. She can't have me only when she feels like it. Tomorrow, she has to make a choice.

Sorry but I think YOU need to make a choice not to be with a cheater.

She already made her choice. Really the only choice here is for *you* to make. Settle for friends (the mangina route) or wish her well and work toward closing doors. If the later, that's not friends, it's being cordial as you unravel from each other's lives; business like and that's it.

OP, she already showed you that she doesn't want you. That's how she was able to cheat - she didn't feel strongly enough about you or have enough respect for you to say no and resist temptation.

I think you are forgetting or maybe just don't realize how hard reconciliation with a cheater actually is. The trust is gone. The relationship you once had won't ever really return, simply because it now has been tainted by her bad behaviour. That often leaves a permanent stain that comes back to haunt you. You will question and doubt her love for you; you'll wonder where she is if she goes off the radar for a few hours or doesn't reply to your messages in a reasonable amount of time. Every time she gets a notification on her phone you'll be wondering if it's the other man. You'll stress if she seems distant or disengaged. You'll watch her social media anxiously, asking yourself who are the men liking her posts and communicating with her online. If she ever feels too tired for sex, you'll worry it's because she's thinking of someone else.

Does the above sound like fun? Because that is a more realistic picture of what giving a cheater a second chance feels like. It's not a pleasant experience, and the initial relief or thrill of reconciliation will wear off quickly once you start coming to terms with what she actually did to you.

Yes... but I'm hoping with time she realizes that grass is not always greener on the other side (I saw a great thread on this on this website a couple of weeks ago) and would want to reconcile on an "exclusive" basis. That way, I would have the bigger end of the stick - or it would at least be equal - and I honestly feel it could work. We have such great chemistry and I truly believe she is the one.

Dude, where is your self respect! She does not respect you!!!!!!!

She cheated on you, and now wants to use you for support in her time of difficulty. Wake up, and stop being such a doormat!