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She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.


cousin

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I (39/M) met her (31/F) on a dating site a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times.

 

During the first few weeks of dating, she was into me big time. She texted me nonstop and called me all the time. She always initiated sex. Things got physical on the second date even though she initially said she didn't want to sleep together until marriage. She comes from a very religious family. She has been divorced for two years. She and her ex have two young children together.

 

Her ex-husband cheated on her and ended up marrying the woman he cheated with a couple of weeks ago. The woman I've been seeing told me that she was "really sad" about it. She even visited her sister across the country to distract herself during the wedding. She posts things about divorce on social media all of the time.

 

I noticed that she has been very distant lately via texting since the trip. She actually looked like she was in a daze when I dropped her off at the airport. She only texted me once during the trip. It was the night before she was to come back. She was drunk.

 

I have texted her first almost every time since she got back from her trip. The only time she texted me first was to ask me to stay over this past Saturday.

 

I asked her a couple of days ago if we need to talk. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

 

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like this was painful for her.

 

Unfortunately she doesn't sound ready for a relationship and at least she acknowledges this openly. She's open to hookups and casual sex for a distraction, it seems.

 

If she shifted from fwb to friendzone then yeah, after 6 weeks of dating just cut the cord it's not worth the drama.

a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all.
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I agree with you. I don't really think we can meet up as friends at this point. I thought she was past her ex-husband when she told me she had dated a few guys since the divorce. I've seen old pics on Facebook of her and guys, so I was certain she just hadn't found the right guy. I guess I was wrong.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like this was painful for her.

 

Unfortunately she doesn't sound ready for a relationship and at least she acknowledges this openly. She's open to hookups and casual sex for a distraction, it seems.

 

If she shifted from fwb to friendzone then yeah, after 6 weeks of dating just cut the cord it's not worth the drama.

 

I think it was probably hard for her. I just don't understand how she can go from inviting me to sleep over one night to breaking things off (via text) three days later.

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I really don't see any point in being friends with her. She is just hoping to lean on you for emotional support because she is clearly not over her ex-husband. It is better to cut all communication now before you fall any deeper. Besides, the "friendship" will only really work one way because it will most likely be all on her terms.

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I really don't see any point in being friends with her. She is just hoping to lean on you for emotional support because she is clearly not over her ex-husband. It is better to cut all communication now before you fall any deeper.

I keep thinking she will get over him now that he is married. We haven't spoken over the phone or in person about this. I feel like she will change her mind if we discuss it in person.

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I think it was probably hard for her. I just don't understand how she can go from inviting me to sleep over one night to breaking things off (via text) three days later.

 

If someone is not emotionally available, it's easy. She not over the ex.

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I really don't see any point in being friends with her. She is just hoping to lean on you for emotional support because she is clearly not over her ex-husband. It is better to cut all communication now before you fall any deeper. Besides, the "friendship" will only really work one way because it will most likely be all on her terms.[/quote

They have been divorced for two years. I keep thinking she will snap out of it. She's dated other guys since the divorce. I want to ask her what happened. She has Facebook pics of a guy she said she was "hanging out with" six months ago. They seemed pretty serious to me.

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I keep thinking she will get over him now that he is married. We haven't spoken over the phone or in person about this. I feel like she will change her mind if we discuss it in person.

 

NO! let this go. There is no future. She told you that she does not have feelings for you. plus her actions clearly show she loves him. C'mon, where's your self respect.

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No, seeing her in person will not make her have feelings for you.

She still has feelings for her ex, she still wants to be married to him and is suffering over him being with someone else now, your presence will not change this or help her.

You had something casual with her, but she was fair to you and told you that's all it will ever be.

Let it go now.

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Stop wasting your time! She will use you as a sounding board/therapist.

 

I'm sorry, but she used you as a rebound. Move on.

 

You can't be friends when there are feelings.

 

She told me this over text. I really want to talk to her in person one last time when she gets back next week.

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Seeing her in person will not make her change her mind, you can't force someone to suddenly have feelings for you.

She had sex with you but she did not feel love...seeing her again will not change that.

She doesn't not want an intimate relationship any more with you.

Let it go.

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No, seeing her in person will not make her have feelings for you.

She still has feelings for her ex, she still wants to be married to him and is suffering over him being with someone else now, your presence will not change this or help her.

You had something casual with her, but she was fair to you and told you that's all it will ever be.

Let it go now.

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I feel like she used me.

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Ok meet up, but it may not change her stance, her feelings about you or her feelings about her ex.

 

To be honest she's not looking for an emotional connection She's looking for the infatuation rush as a drug for her protracted pain over her ex. She drinks to drown her sorrows also so there's your clue.

She told me this over text. I really want to talk to her in person one last time when she gets back next week.
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She probably did use you. She still wanted sex, obviously, and for a time being she thought you were someone worth hanging out with, but she did not ever sound serious or want a future with you.

Maybe next time around you will make sure where things are headed before you become intimate, make sure you are on the same page and want the same things and feel the same for each other.

This was rushed.

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Ok meet up, but it may not change her stance, her feelings about you or her feelings about her ex.

 

To be honest she's not looking for an emotional connection She's looking for the infatuation rush as a drug for her protracted pain over her ex. She drinks to drown her sorrows also so there's your clue.

 

Now that you mention it, she drank every date we had. She told me during our last conversation that she is concerned with her amount of drinking. I told her we don't have to drink or have sex every time we meet.

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She probably did. She still wanted sex, obviously, and for a time being she thought you were someone worth hanging out with, but she did not ever sound serious or want a future with you.

Maybe next time around you will make sure where things are headed before you become intimate, make sure you are on the same page and want the same things and feel the same for each other.

This was rushed.

 

I feel like we rushed things too. I'm willing to slow things down. I want to talk about doing that when she gets back.

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They have been divorced for two years. I keep thinking she will snap out of it. She's dated other guys since the divorce. I want to ask her what happened. She has Facebook pics of a guy she said she was "hanging out with" six months ago. They seemed pretty serious to me.

 

I can understand why you may have thought she was over things but her actions have shown that she is clearly not over things or ready to date. She is rebounding with the guys in the hope that she will meet someone who will make her forget her ex. She is "faking it till making it".

 

Now that you know she isn't over her ex don't you think it would be far better to start a relationship with someone who is on the same page as you instead of hanging onto someone who may or may not "snap out of it" anytime soon?

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