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Wife will divorce if I go back to the military


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Good morning everyone. I have been married for 4 years, been with my wife for 6. We met online when I was deployed in Afghanistan and when I returned, my time was up and I did not re-enlist. Over the course of the next 6 years, I gave up quite a few things, such as being a police officer, being a volunteer in my community with the fire department, etc.

 

It struck a cord with me when I realized that I am creeping up there in age and I have made a decision that I want to return to the military, but in the reserves or national guard. My wife told me that she could not stay with me if I did so because it would affect her happiness.

 

I have given up a lot for this relationship and I NEED this in my life (the military or sense of selfless purpose/service) We have also tried counseling over the years to no avail.

 

So it comes down to this, I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...

 

Any suggestions?

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Based on the way you lay the options in your post, obviously the answer is to rejoin the military and if your wife asks you for a divorce, then give it to her. You have made a decision that you want to return to the military. If she indeed decides that she does not want to be a military wife (which is within her rights, just as it is within your rights to rejoin the military) then you need to divorce due to irreconcilable differences. My only suggestion is to make sure within you that rejoining the military is what you really really want and not another thing that you will give up afterwards. As for your wife, she may or may not leave. It sounds though like you have grown to see her as someone limiting you and for that you resent her. Only you know whether she is really to blame for giving up things or whether you would have given them up anyway due to some other reason... Just make sure that you do not blame her for your own shortcomings. Owning your choices reduces retrospective regrets.

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Sorry she's doing this ultimatum thing. Do what you need to do and call her bluff. It's just manipulation. You will resent her if you give up yourself and that won't work.

 

Try marriage counselling. After all, she started a relationship with you while you were in the military so she's bluffing and she knew the score when she met you and married you.

I have been married for 4 years. I have made a decision that I want to return to the military, but in the reserves or national guard. My wife told me that she could not stay with me if I did so because it would affect her happiness. I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...
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Which one brings you greater happiness? A life with the purpose you feel in your bones or a partner who expects and demands things her way only? Good relationships are about compromise and while I get the sentiment, (I have a son joining the Marines, I am simultaneously proud and sad for his future) the fact is it sounds like you have a hunger to help others, to serve.

 

That isn't something that is going to go away since it hasn't in all this time. You are at a crossroads and you say counseling hasn't helped, so I think it's time to more closely examine if the relationship is really the one you want. Would you have married her to begin with had you known you would have to give up so much?

 

This isn't something I feel able to fully help you with, because it's so personal. But really it's time now to draw the pros and cons and if you don't have kids now is the time to decide one way or the other to stay or go. Not every woman out there is going to tell you no about career choices, there are plenty of men and women married to those in the service and helping professions.

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So it comes down to this, I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...

 

What if you don't join the reserves, stay married, and down the road she decides to end the marriage? Or you decide to end it?

 

What if you rejoin the military, but beforehand look for ways to boost her happiness overall, help find ways that the set-up supports each of you or encourages each of your well-being and engagement with what gives you meaning?

 

Do you love each other? What are the strengths of the relationship?

 

My thoughts: when couples can collaborate together rather than compromise for each other, there is a better chance for mutual appreciation and happiness.

 

What are her values, interests, areas of meaning that could be enhanced, not hurt, by your choice of the military?

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Does she suffer from anxiety? Overly attached and needy or fearful you will die?

 

What you do for a living is your business. Who you allow to control your life is your business.

 

Her happiness is her business. Who she is married to is her business. Don't confuse the two. If she can't accept you as you are, is it really love?

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Sorry she's doing this ultimatum thing. Do what you need to do and call her bluff. It's just manipulation. You will resent her if you give up yourself and that won't work.

 

Try marriage counselling. After all, she started a relationship with you while you were in the military so she's bluffing and she knew the score when she met you and married you.

 

I agree with this advice fully.

 

Also, I'll tell you this. If you don't follow your dreams and at some point in the future you *do* end up getting a divorce anyway; you *will* have regrets.

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I'm a bit biased because back in 2004 when I was serving, they were lining up and calling in reservists and guardsmen like it was the DMV. I know it was a much different time then, but fact remains it could happen again and I don't entirely blame your wife for putting her foot down and saying she ain't risking that life again. I'm a bit less sympathetic with her if she's trying to be restrictive with you becoming an LEO or pretty much any sort of public servant who doesn't just sit at a desk.

 

In any case, it's obvious she wants a low-risk at the expense of your own professional fulfillment. It's time to ask yourself some hard questions, particularly as your years of peak fitness start to close.

 

How's your marriage otherwise?

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I say follow your dreams . My husband is a military man and has been for several decades . He was born to be in the military and it's in his soul . That is where he's happy so I am happy with him .

 

Not many people like the lifestyle . But there are those of us who do .

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Does she not want you to be away for months or years at a time? If that is the reason, then I could totally appreciate her feelings - but then she must not bar you from doing volunteer firefighting or something else that scratches the itch for you. Could you be involved in a military job, like being a recruiter, that doesn't involve being deployed overseas?

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Does she not want you to be away for months or years at a time? If that is the reason, then I could totally appreciate her feelings - but then she must not bar you from doing volunteer firefighting or something elseto that scratches the itch for you. Could you be involved in a military job, like being a recruiter, that doesn't involve being deployed overseas?
Unfortunately, that's not strictly how it works. While if you're career, you're generally expected to do a stint as either a DS or a recruiter, they wouldn't be able to guarantee it upon re-upping.

 

I'm with you on this being more than just military and time away with her concern over even volunteer firefighting, though. A lot of folks, particularly former military and myself included, have somewhat if an innate drive to put themselves on the line for public service and duty. It's really something she should have assumed while dating him.

 

I mean I'll be 31 in June and am actually pretty glad I got pretty much everything I needed out of my physical prime without having to worry about being tied down too heavily. Did my service. Played sports as competitively as I was probably able to given I didn't start during childhood. I'd much rather marry / commit a little later than what's conventional if it would have meant giving any of that up.

 

Like Victoria says, I think it might be best to not blame her for her very understandable position, but to still follow your desire on this one.

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Is the concern she has about these things (fire fighter, military and police officer) is your safety or the amount of time your away?

You haven't mentioned exactly what her issue is with these vocations, that all happen to have a few things in common.

 

She willingly married a military man. She should have considered this possibility. Did you promise her otherwise?

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Since it was asked, the reason I left law enforcement was because it was a stressor on our family life (no kids) and it was definitely hard for us to not be together on weekend so and holidays.

 

The reason why I left volunteering at the fire department as an EMT is because she could not handle the pager going off an me having to bolt to a medical emergency. She actually had to goto counseling because of it. Her anxiety and the need to be in control doomed my volunteering. I've tried doing other public service things and it bothers her.

 

Our marriage, like most others, has its ups and downs. However, the military thing is something I will not budge on and she won't get on board with it. I left for the weekend so that she can do some alone time thinking per her request, but in a email she sent to me and a conversation we had before we left, she said the military is a deal breaker.

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I already have a very sweet gig, as I own a business. So I am home for dinner every night, etc. All I want is to still be able to serve my nation and the reserves/national guard provide that opportunity.

 

Nothing says she will stay married to you if it's a 9-to-5 job either .
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I already have a very sweet gig, as I own a business. So I am home for dinner every night, etc. All I want is to still be able to serve my nation and the reserves/national guard provide that opportunity.

I absolutely understand that. My husband is the same and I would never think to deny him.

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So my wife and I had another chat last night, in more depth. She said that she is upset with me because, "You are willing to loose me to join the military." And I said that I am not just joining the military, I am pursuing my own happiness and I have invited you along for the journey and you are declining. Her reply, "So your happiness is more important than mine?"

 

I asked her, what if I wanted to start volunteering with the fire department again and she said, "I don't know.. I wouldn't be happy" I asked her flat out, "What is seems like is that you need someone who has a 9-5 job and is home for you at all other times. Does that sum it up?"

 

Her reply, which has really opened my eyes up was, "Yeah, that would be ideal and that would make me happiest"

 

I reminded her of everything I have given up for our relationship and I have also invited her to join me on this journey and she apparently cannot handle it or doesn't want to try to handle it. I do know that she starts counseling on her own again tomorrow.

 

Does she suffer from anxiety? Overly attached and needy or fearful you will die?

 

What you do for a living is your business. Who you allow to control your life is your business.

 

Her happiness is her business. Who she is married to is her business. Don't confuse the two. If she can't accept you as you are, is it really love?

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In reality, her happiness is her responsibility and your happiness is yours. In a relationship, it's a tricky road, and perhaps the question to ask is "Can we find a way for us both to be happy, and be together?"

 

Her reply is ironic: "So your happiness is more important than mine?", because your reply to that would also be "So your happiness is more important than mine?" It puts you at an impasse. To her " You are willing to loose me to join the military" it follows that your response would be " You are willing to loose me over my joining the army".

 

What is her unmet passion? Not her fear, but something she finds joy or meaning in? Maybe she has always wanted to raise showdogs, or painted, or play music? Is there a way you can each pursue your passion at this phase in life, encouraging each other and giving each other the space and freedom to do your work? There may come a time in the future where you do spend more day-to-day (retirement?) but it doesn't have to be 100% of your lifetime together, if you really do want a lifetime together. What if you two brainstorm together, include any crazy idea before editing it down later, of things she can do while you join the military to help make it work for her?

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why did she marry a military man who was enlisted when she met him and expect him to not be in the military? its not like you surprised her with this after marriage. I can fully appreciate if she were pregnant and high risk asking if you would not reup right now and wait a year, but she chose a man who wasn't home - and wants him home. I think that you need to go to marriage counseling. This way you can at least have it down that you tried and maybe hearing her words in front of someone else will make her realize how crazy it is and she can't twist things "im not important, etc." There are some people that are once in a lifetime and there are things worth giving up, but she is expecting you to give up everything and she nothing. If you didn't go overseas and stayed local as a firefighter and that satisfied you - then i would think that would be an awesome compromise - but she won't have it

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