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Thread: Wife will divorce if I go back to the military

  1. #1
    BillyJoel12
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    Question Wife will divorce if I go back to the military

    Good morning everyone. I have been married for 4 years, been with my wife for 6. We met online when I was deployed in Afghanistan and when I returned, my time was up and I did not re-enlist. Over the course of the next 6 years, I gave up quite a few things, such as being a police officer, being a volunteer in my community with the fire department, etc.

    It struck a cord with me when I realized that I am creeping up there in age and I have made a decision that I want to return to the military, but in the reserves or national guard. My wife told me that she could not stay with me if I did so because it would affect her happiness.

    I have given up a lot for this relationship and I NEED this in my life (the military or sense of selfless purpose/service) We have also tried counseling over the years to no avail.

    So it comes down to this, I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...

    Any suggestions?

  2. #2
    Almira23
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    Why is she so against you at least joining the reserves? How will this affect her happiness?

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    Doc Blaze
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    why did you give up the police and fire department stuff? because of her too?

  4. #4
    Clio
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    Based on the way you lay the options in your post, obviously the answer is to rejoin the military and if your wife asks you for a divorce, then give it to her. You have made a decision that you want to return to the military. If she indeed decides that she does not want to be a military wife (which is within her rights, just as it is within your rights to rejoin the military) then you need to divorce due to irreconcilable differences. My only suggestion is to make sure within you that rejoining the military is what you really really want and not another thing that you will give up afterwards. As for your wife, she may or may not leave. It sounds though like you have grown to see her as someone limiting you and for that you resent her. Only you know whether she is really to blame for giving up things or whether you would have given them up anyway due to some other reason... Just make sure that you do not blame her for your own shortcomings. Owning your choices reduces retrospective regrets.

  5. #5
    Matt3939
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    I can understand if you got deployed for years again. I see no problem with police or fire. Is this more of don't get a motorcycle type thing? An empty threat if you actually did follow thru.

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    Wiseman2
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    Sorry she's doing this ultimatum thing. Do what you need to do and call her bluff. It's just manipulation. You will resent her if you give up yourself and that won't work.

    Try marriage counselling. After all, she started a relationship with you while you were in the military so she's bluffing and she knew the score when she met you and married you.
    Originally Posted by BillyJoel12
    I have been married for 4 years. I have made a decision that I want to return to the military, but in the reserves or national guard. My wife told me that she could not stay with me if I did so because it would affect her happiness. I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...

  7. #7
    ParisPaulette
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    Which one brings you greater happiness? A life with the purpose you feel in your bones or a partner who expects and demands things her way only? Good relationships are about compromise and while I get the sentiment, (I have a son joining the Marines, I am simultaneously proud and sad for his future) the fact is it sounds like you have a hunger to help others, to serve.

    That isn't something that is going to go away since it hasn't in all this time. You are at a crossroads and you say counseling hasn't helped, so I think it's time to more closely examine if the relationship is really the one you want. Would you have married her to begin with had you known you would have to give up so much?

    This isn't something I feel able to fully help you with, because it's so personal. But really it's time now to draw the pros and cons and if you don't have kids now is the time to decide one way or the other to stay or go. Not every woman out there is going to tell you no about career choices, there are plenty of men and women married to those in the service and helping professions.

  8. #8
    journeynow
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    Originally Posted by BillyJoel12
    So it comes down to this, I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...
    What if you don't join the reserves, stay married, and down the road she decides to end the marriage? Or you decide to end it?

    What if you rejoin the military, but beforehand look for ways to boost her happiness overall, help find ways that the set-up supports each of you or encourages each of your well-being and engagement with what gives you meaning?

    Do you love each other? What are the strengths of the relationship?

    My thoughts: when couples can collaborate together rather than compromise for each other, there is a better chance for mutual appreciation and happiness.

    What are her values, interests, areas of meaning that could be enhanced, not hurt, by your choice of the military?

  9. #9
    gebaird
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    Does she suffer from anxiety? Overly attached and needy or fearful you will die?

    What you do for a living is your business. Who you allow to control your life is your business.

    Her happiness is her business. Who she is married to is her business. Don't confuse the two. If she can't accept you as you are, is it really love?

  10. #10
    Jeffbobo
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry she's doing this ultimatum thing. Do what you need to do and call her bluff. It's just manipulation. You will resent her if you give up yourself and that won't work.

    Try marriage counselling. After all, she started a relationship with you while you were in the military so she's bluffing and she knew the score when she met you and married you.
    I agree with this advice fully.

    Also, I'll tell you this. If you don't follow your dreams and at some point in the future you *do* end up getting a divorce anyway; you *will* have regrets.

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