Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 35

Thread: Wife will divorce if I go back to the military

  1. #1
    BillyJoel12
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Posts
    6
    Thanked
    1

    Question Wife will divorce if I go back to the military

    Good morning everyone. I have been married for 4 years, been with my wife for 6. We met online when I was deployed in Afghanistan and when I returned, my time was up and I did not re-enlist. Over the course of the next 6 years, I gave up quite a few things, such as being a police officer, being a volunteer in my community with the fire department, etc.

    It struck a cord with me when I realized that I am creeping up there in age and I have made a decision that I want to return to the military, but in the reserves or national guard. My wife told me that she could not stay with me if I did so because it would affect her happiness.

    I have given up a lot for this relationship and I NEED this in my life (the military or sense of selfless purpose/service) We have also tried counseling over the years to no avail.

    So it comes down to this, I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...

    Any suggestions?

  2. #2
    Almira23
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Posts
    424
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    393
    Why is she so against you at least joining the reserves? How will this affect her happiness?

  3. #3
    Doc Blaze
    Platinum Member Doc Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Around
    Posts
    3,821
    Thanked
    1125
    why did you give up the police and fire department stuff? because of her too?

  4. #4
    Clio
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    1,907
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    940
    Based on the way you lay the options in your post, obviously the answer is to rejoin the military and if your wife asks you for a divorce, then give it to her. You have made a decision that you want to return to the military. If she indeed decides that she does not want to be a military wife (which is within her rights, just as it is within your rights to rejoin the military) then you need to divorce due to irreconcilable differences. My only suggestion is to make sure within you that rejoining the military is what you really really want and not another thing that you will give up afterwards. As for your wife, she may or may not leave. It sounds though like you have grown to see her as someone limiting you and for that you resent her. Only you know whether she is really to blame for giving up things or whether you would have given them up anyway due to some other reason... Just make sure that you do not blame her for your own shortcomings. Owning your choices reduces retrospective regrets.

  5. Thanks Andrina thanked for this post
  6. #5
    Matt3939
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    1,543
    Thanked
    1164
    I can understand if you got deployed for years again. I see no problem with police or fire. Is this more of don't get a motorcycle type thing? An empty threat if you actually did follow thru.

  7. #6
    Wiseman2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    22,428
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    16627
    Sorry she's doing this ultimatum thing. Do what you need to do and call her bluff. It's just manipulation. You will resent her if you give up yourself and that won't work.

    Try marriage counselling. After all, she started a relationship with you while you were in the military so she's bluffing and she knew the score when she met you and married you.
    Quote Originally Posted by BillyJoel12 [Register to see the link]
    I have been married for 4 years. I have made a decision that I want to return to the military, but in the reserves or national guard. My wife told me that she could not stay with me if I did so because it would affect her happiness. I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...

  8. Thanks gebaird thanked for this post
  9. #7
    ParisPaulette
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    12,146
    Thanked
    6893
    Which one brings you greater happiness? A life with the purpose you feel in your bones or a partner who expects and demands things her way only? Good relationships are about compromise and while I get the sentiment, (I have a son joining the Marines, I am simultaneously proud and sad for his future) the fact is it sounds like you have a hunger to help others, to serve.

    That isn't something that is going to go away since it hasn't in all this time. You are at a crossroads and you say counseling hasn't helped, so I think it's time to more closely examine if the relationship is really the one you want. Would you have married her to begin with had you known you would have to give up so much?

    This isn't something I feel able to fully help you with, because it's so personal. But really it's time now to draw the pros and cons and if you don't have kids now is the time to decide one way or the other to stay or go. Not every woman out there is going to tell you no about career choices, there are plenty of men and women married to those in the service and helping professions.

  10. Thanks Andrina, gebaird thanked for this post
  11. #8
    journeynow
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,267
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    1727
    Quote Originally Posted by BillyJoel12 [Register to see the link]
    So it comes down to this, I rejoin the military reserves and we get divorced or I don't join the reserves and we stay married and I will eventually look back at this point of my life with regret...
    What if you don't join the reserves, stay married, and down the road she decides to end the marriage? Or you decide to end it?

    What if you rejoin the military, but beforehand look for ways to boost her happiness overall, help find ways that the set-up supports each of you or encourages each of your well-being and engagement with what gives you meaning?

    Do you love each other? What are the strengths of the relationship?

    My thoughts: when couples can collaborate together rather than compromise for each other, there is a better chance for mutual appreciation and happiness.

    What are her values, interests, areas of meaning that could be enhanced, not hurt, by your choice of the military?

  12. #9
    gebaird
    Platinum Member gebaird's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    An island of peace in an ocean of chaos
    Posts
    1,854
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1961
    Does she suffer from anxiety? Overly attached and needy or fearful you will die?

    What you do for a living is your business. Who you allow to control your life is your business.

    Her happiness is her business. Who she is married to is her business. Don't confuse the two. If she can't accept you as you are, is it really love?

  13. Thanks Wiseman2 thanked for this post
  14. #10
    Jeffbobo
    Gold Member Jeffbobo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Minneapolis
    Age
    48
    Posts
    684
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    412
    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    Sorry she's doing this ultimatum thing. Do what you need to do and call her bluff. It's just manipulation. You will resent her if you give up yourself and that won't work.

    Try marriage counselling. After all, she started a relationship with you while you were in the military so she's bluffing and she knew the score when she met you and married you.
    I agree with this advice fully.

    Also, I'll tell you this. If you don't follow your dreams and at some point in the future you *do* end up getting a divorce anyway; you *will* have regrets.

  15. Thanks Wiseman2 thanked for this post
  16.  

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Top Threads
Pictures of 25th Anniversary
Would you get professional pictures done of your 25th anniversary ?
HELP! My spouse is going through a quarter life crisis.
This will be long because I am trying to include all aspects of this story that has happened this past month and a half. My spouse is going
Another last chance?
My spouse and I have been married for 11 years. We have three children together. For the last several years, Iíve thought about leaving. Iíve been
Emotional neglect by husband?
Hi all I feel emotionally neglected by my husband and I'm not sure whether there's anything I can do to get through to him or has he checked out
15 years and I'm tired
I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10. Over the years I have dealt with verbal abuse and anger issues from him. Four years ago he
20 years old girl who needs advice.
Hello. I'm 20 and I'm about to go to study to Cape Town.... but the thing is that I wanted to bring my boyfriend with me there so we can live

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
The ex that wouldn't go away
I am engaged to the woman of my dreams. After a couple dates I told everyone I was going to marry her. She told her friends the same. My only hang up
Crying
IM A 63 YEAR OLD WOMAN ,and my life has turned upside down. I cry day and night. For some damn reason I'm lost , alone and just cant figure things
SO (girl of 23) doubting our relationship, won't let go of ex
So currently going through a very complicated situation with my SO. I started seeing this girl in November of last year, while she was still with
My friend has no life...No job and currently lives at home. At nearly 30
One of my very good friends has always been the impressionable type. When I encouraged her to have stronger boundaries, to be less passive and to
Ex is getting married
Hi, I went into no contact with my ex around 14 weeks ago. I had decided that there's nothing left for me to do or say that would bring her back to
Friendless and Lonely
Hi all, I've decided to turn to an online forum for advice on a current friendship issue. I want to say thank you in advance to those who take the
Swapping childcare, she stopped responding...
Background: I struggle with intimacy and relationships in general. Coming from abuse and neglect means I've always struggled with trusting others
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •