Help! Hooked up with neighbor and neighbors friend

Hi,

So I moved to University to live in the dorms about 3 weeks ago.

There is a guy living right next to me, and I was attracted to him. He was really quiet and chill but something drew me to him. A week ago we were all drinking and somehow we ended up in his room and we hooked up. We didn't have sex, I told him I wanted to get to know him more.

It was a bad idea to hookup with him, because everyone knew on the floor and it was very public and embaressing. Also I was doubting that he even liked me because I was the one to initiate it all. But we talked a little afterwards and walked up to class together. He is SO hard to read though, its really difficult. He messaged me a couple days after when I was out of the city.

Then yesterday we were all drinking in his room, and he had a friend over who wasn't in the dorms. I was feeling really uncomfortable because I was the only girl and I didn't know what the guys were like so I drank WAY too much. I was done by 8:00pm... and I was sloshing my drink everywhere, cut my toe and didn't realise.. etc. His friend (lets call him Jacob) was also VERY drunk and vomited in the bathroom. But we ended up being alone in my room and we hooked up. It didn't even click to me at the time what was happening or that what I was doing was so wrong. We both cared about my neighbor but were too intoxicated to realise.

I'm not trying to use alcohol to excuse my actions, I am taking all the responsibility. I have made some really stupid decisions while I'm drunk, and I have to face the consequences.

I tried to talk to my neighbor today about it, to apologize and to explain that I was sorry if I hurt him. But it was so hard to talk to him... he basically walked away from him. i have to keep in mind though that even before we hooked up or I hooked up with Jacob he was quite difficult to talk to. The problem is I have no idea how he feels...if he even cares, if he's upset. He doesn't vocalise anything and won't reply to my messages.

What do you think of this sitation? I know its wrong, and I didn't come on here to be shamed, but its a little more tricky than that. Because after I hooked up with my neighbor I felt like he was completely disinterested... he didn't reply to my messages, he made no effort or anything. Maybe that doesn't make it right, but it's not like we were a thing or he was even talking to me. I'm really confused.

I made some really bad choices

I'm not sure your neighbor was really interested in you anyway beings how you described him and his behavior towards you; but if there was any interest, you blew it by deciding to get loaded and have sex with his friend. I certainly would NOT want to date a girl I thought I had some chemistry with only to have her have sex with my friend at a party, alcohol not being a legitimate excuse. That's really painful and hard to go through for some guys. I wanna say this, too; that the guy probably isn't worth it because if he "cared" for you even in the slightest, he probably wouldn't have let you get so intoxicated or at the very least, would have walked you back to your dorm unless he was also intoxicated.

You're extremely lucky it was just ONE of his friends as well you hooked up with and you literally weren't gang raped. A heavily intoxicated young girl by herself in a room full of horny college men absolutely does not mix. What were you thinking even putting yourself in such a predicament? I mean, you don't even know this neighbor that well, you didn't know any of his friends/guys over there. So what in your right mind said it was a good idea to stay over there and start drinking heavily? If you were uncomfortable, you should have WALKED AWAY. You should feel very fortunate nothing worse happened other than a consensual hookup. I would also hope pictures/videos of you aren't on the web now either forever; you were so wasted and things, it wouldn't have been hard for one of the other guys at this party to flip out a phone and start recording you and this "Jacob". Your life would be over if your parents/family/school found such a thing.

You made a very dumb mistake and you will have to live with it forever. So many things could have gone wrong here if they didn't already. The last thing you should be worrying about is how this stupid neighbor feels about you. How about this? Get a grip on your life, ditch the heavy drinking, and focus on your studies. You went to college because you want to have a successful future and career, right? Yeah, you didn't come on here to be "shamed", but what did you expect? You're in college; start acting like someone who deserves to be there or get out. You getting involved with any guys there is probably a horrible idea, because life takes you in so many different paths after college.

You made some really bad choices. If you don't want this to happen again you need to never repeat certain actions.

1) If you can't handle alcohol, you should refrain from drinking it. Stop at the second drink. Binge drinking could get you raped and makes you do things you regret. Now that you know, the wise thing would be to avoid getting drunk. Getting plastered is dangerous.

2) If you want a relationship, you need to get to know the other person BEFORE hooking up. Otherwise, you will keep ending up with guys who turn out to be disinterested/only want sex plus, if your actions dont match your words, you won't be taken seriously.

3)You have only been there for three weeks. Slow down. Why all this hurry to hook up? Give yourself more time to learn the ropes. Focus on making friends rather than drink and hook ups. You now know that what you do in that dorm , word gets around. Decide how you want to handle this in the future.

You are in a new environment and probably feeling lonely and a bit displaced as it's still new. Give yourself time to learn the ropes and make new friends before hooking up. Develop a support system of friends. As for that guy, he doesn't sound like a good fit so no need to force things. Let him be. Hooking up with his friend was a mistake but at the end of the day, he was not right for you either. No need to create further drama. Just find other people to get to know.

University is one of the best times of one's life. But you do need to learn to manage your life responsibly. Your actions have consequences and you are responsible for the choices you make. Make sure that you make good choices. You need to learn to keep out of harms way. Other people will not protect you nor necessarily have your best interest in mind. YOU need to protect you and to learn to enjoy your freedom responsibly. Good luck!

I'd quit the drinking and focus on school and cultivating a healthy social life--beyond the neighbor guy. See if you can overcome your rep by demonstrating that you can be a worthwhile and sober friend over time.

What do you think of this sitation? I know its wrong, and I didn't come on here to be shamed, but its a little more tricky than that. Because after I hooked up with my neighbor I felt like he was completely disinterested... he didn't reply to my messages, he made no effort or anything. Maybe that doesn't make it right, but it's not like we were a thing or he was even talking to me. I'm really confused.

 

 

I made some really bad choices

You didn't come here to be shamed, but your story reeks of bad decisions.

I'll refrain from calling you out on that since you already know what you did was wrong.

I hope you learned your lesson and have just one drink next time instead of several. Your judgement will be much better next time when you are sober. I promise.

It's unclear why you need to explain this to guy 1. You were not dating so why explain about guy 2 to him. Isn't that TMI?

Keep your sex life to yourself. Stop pestering guy 1, he's not interested.

Telling him about other hookups won't pique his interest if that was your objective in spilling this unseemly TMI.

we were all drinking and somehow we ended up in his room and we hooked up. We didn't have sex

we were all drinking in his room

His friend lets call him Jacob was also VERY drunk and vomited in the bathroom. But we ended up being alone in my room and we hooked up.

I tried to talk to my neighbor today about it, to apologize and to explain that I was sorry if I hurt him...he basically walked away from him.

after I hooked up with my neighbor I felt like he was completely disinterested... he didn't reply to my messages, he made no effort or anything

I think that:

a) you aren't together with the neighbor at all, he hasn't even asked you out on a date, right? So he has zero right to know what else you do with anyone else or get upset about who you do or don't hook up. Heck he has zero right to get mad if you take off in a flying saucer and never come home, so stop already with apologizing for something that you never owed him an apology for in the first place. Also stop making it his business and sort of backhandedly showing him other guys put more effort into you than he did. That's not the way to get a guy's attention. Ever.

b) your explanation of drinking too much, because you were nervous since it was only guys makes zero sense. Don't do that. If you're worried about your safety or don't feel secure, the wrong thing to do is drink to the point of being out of control. I would say don't drink at all, even.

Your biggest concerns should be a) was it safe sex and b) was in consensual. So relax, develop the attitude that if they want to be with you they need to make some effort too, and don't do anything under the influence of alcohol or otherwise that you'll regret. I'm a bit suspicious you hoped this would make the first guy jealous enough he'd start to ask you out or respond, but you kind of see how that went. I really get he's just kind of not interested and now he's really not interested since he saw through that ploy.

It's done, move on, learn from it, go find someone who is interested.

...we hooked up. We didn't have sex...

I am assuming the term 'hooking up' has changed since I was in my teens/20s? Is it now used for hanging out? If so, what's the concern?

Well I just wanna say that I didn't hope he would be jealous/try to flaunt the hookup in front of my neighbors face. I WISH that he never found out, I was just so drunk and there is absolutely no privacy in a dorm that he found out immediately.

I wish I could believe you with what you say about not owing him anything, but because it's his friend it just seems like I screwed up big time. But then again, if I hooked up with another dude after him he may still have been angry? Hard to tell.

I'm trying my best to move on and learn, but he is not talking to me and its very painful to live with someone who is angry with you

Thank you for the advice.

It's unclear why you need to explain this to guy 1. You were not dating so why explain about guy 2 to him. Isn't that TMI?

 

Keep your sex life to yourself. Stop pestering guy 1, he's not interested.

 

Telling him about other hookups won't pique his interest if that was your objective in spilling this unseemly TMI.

Lol I never tried to pique his interest by telling him that I hooked up with his friend! I would have tried to hide that from him to avoid hurting him. He is really upset even though we weren't dating. It's been a week and he is literally giving me the silent treatment.

I know that if he wasn't interested before he definitely isn't interested now because of what I did.

I am assuming the term 'hooking up' has changed since I was in my teens/20s? Is it now used for hanging out? If so, what's the concern?

Basically doing "things" except for actual sex. It can also mean sex though, so its super vague. Kissing can also be considered hooking up so its hard to tell !

My concern is that I had sex with his friend.... right next door to him and I definitely wouldn't have done it if I wasn't under the influence but my judgement completely left me. It's been a week (which I know isn't that much time) but he is completely ignoring me.

OP, you screwed up. There is no explaining it. Just let it go, write the guy off - I'm sorry - and keep going. Carry yourself with regality and self respect. The less you think of and speak of this crazy night, the less it will define you. Carry yourself as above it.

Your crush may be angry for any number of reasons, none of which you will change. In truth, it is He may have been enjoyed the idea of getting to know you and now he is angry that you ruined his idea of who you are. Whatever; its his problem.

Write this guy off; you will not ever dste him. Thats okay.