Am I over reacting? Jealousy strikes again!

Am I over reacting?

 

 

Before my wife and I got married she used to work in a Medical Office (she is a nurse). When we got engaged she moved into my condo and then 1-1/2 years later we got married. We’ve been married for 1-1/2 years together for 5-1/2 years total. When she moved in she got a new job near where we lived because before we lived 60 miles apart and keeping her old job was not realistic because of the distance.

When we were dating and when we lived apart, she would tell me about her days and what happened each day as most couples do. She would talk about various people at her job and stories about them. They were all woman nurses with one male Dr. He was in charge of the office. He was in his early 50s (I’m estimating), my wife was late 20s-early 30s at the time. She is 34 (almost 35) now, I’m 45. A fair amount to the stories involved the male Dr. but nothing over the top but enough that I got to know a few things about him from her stories and I could tell she though highly of him. She would tell me that the woman nurses would always make sure the Dr.’s work was complete and taken care of (they’d cover his ass but not in a bad way….in other words, they took care of him and a lot of work for him and seemed to really cross his I’s and do this T’s for him). It sounded like a tight knit group of people and my wife would comment about how it was just him and the rest were women (maybe implying that it boosted his ego, I’m not sure exactly what she meant by it). According to my wife the Dr. had a tendency to be a little loose as far as conduct in the office, nothing too crazy, but he would swear and use words like balls and penis.

 

 

According to my wife he adored his wife and kids, was married for a long time and would never do anything to jeopardize that (I’m not sure why she would bring this up…..). I tried not to read into this.

 

One day she referred to him as her work spouse. I had never heard of such a thing and it took me off guard. I have a tendency to get very jealous and it been a plague for me over the years with various relationships (I’m much better now but not perfect and I also did therapy for years for jealousy and similar issues). I began to get jealous of the Dr. and as time went on and I heard more work stories (some with him, some without), I started to get more jealous when his name would come up. She seemed to look up to him and talk about him highly. My mind was racing for months and I eventually asked my wife if she ever slept with him. She looked at me kind of crazy and said “No!” My jealous feelings subsided (at least regarding him) and I eventually forgot about him. He and his wife were invited to our wedding but never replied to the invite and never showed up.

Fast forward 1.5 years after marriage. My wife is friends on FB with her old co-workers from that office, including the Dr. Last night she was checking her phone and said

“This is so rude!”

I said “What?”

 

She said “(insert Dr.’s name) XXX’s brother just posted a picture of them on FB when they were younger and they both had hair…I (she) wrote a comment saying “You had hair back then (or something to that effect)!?

Then the brother wrote back, “Well I thought that was a given!?”

“I’m (my wife) going to reply to tell him to not be rude and make stupid comments!”

I’m not sure what or if she replied but she was on her phone for about 5 minutes after that typing something.

 

So basically my wife made a comment about the picture, the Dr.’s bother replied back and my wife didn’t like his reply saying his reply was rude. Honestly I did not see any harm in what the brother wrote and I don’t know what she was so bet out of shape over it. My wife’s reaction is what bothered me. Why would she get so bend out of shape? She does have a tendency to get irritated over thing like that (when she thinks someone is insulting her). This situation bothered me more because it had to do with the Dr.

Am I reading into this too much? I’m trying to keep my jealousy in check but it feel like there is something there but I know jealousy can make your mind race and read into everything, making something out of nothing. Like maybe she did have a “relationship” with him and she is defending him (the Dr.) from the bothers comment. She just seemed to react to strongly over a simple comment. On the other hand maybe it’s me over reacting.

It sounds like she a a touch of a crush on the dr. Nothing to worry about. At least she's open about it. That phrase has been around a while and mostly means you spend a lot of time with coworkers.

 

"According to Timothy Noah, writing in Slate, "The terms 'work wife,' 'work husband,' and 'work marriage' entered the national lexicon in 1987, when the writer David Owen wrote an Atlantic essay describing a particular Platonic intimacy that frequently arises between male and female employees working in close proximity."

It sounds like you're too much in your own head and over-thinking things. You're creating things in your mind that don't exist.

 

Your wife was just put-off by the brother's sarcastic comment. That's all.

I don't see anything wrong with anything you wrote. I'm not a jelious guy though. I'd let this go.

So you jumped from the brother's comment to she might have had a relationship with the doctor???

 

And "work husband" is not what you think it is. One of my coworkers has what she calls a "work husband". She is in a committed relationship and so is he. We all play along (I'll ask her "where's your husband?" when I need to consult with him about something) and we even do the pretend jealousy thing (recently the guy worked very closely for a full week with a female coworker and the "work wife" pretended to be jealous, and I played along). At least at my workplace it's all in good fun.

 

Look, either you trust your wife or you don't. And none of that "I trust HER but I don't trust HIM!!!" business. That doctor could never force your wife to do anything she didn't want to do.

 

And I'm kind of confused...does your wife still work at this same office?

I think your wife is being incredibly overly sensitive and is going to embarrass herself by having a spat on FB with a Dr's brother.

 

I also think she had a crush on the Doctor. I think her comments to you were pretty pointless and were intended to get a rise out of you. And I don't give a sh*t what history the expression has, if my husband told me he had a "work wife" he'd be in for a world of hurt.

 

Since she no longer works there, I would say it's too late to do much about it now. Just let it go and keep moving forward. And tell her to learn not to take things (particularly social media) so harshly.

Her over-the-top comment seems ridiculous and overly involved, but it is what it is. Bottom line is, how is the emotional connection between you and your wife? The only control you have is being the best partner you can be, and ensure that your needs are being met, and that you two have the same boundaries. You have to each put in a daily effort to keep the affection and spark alive throughout a lifetime. Does she pay attention to you, or is her nose always glued to her phone, interacting on social media? If she ignores you for the cyber world, you can speak up and tell her you'd like quality time with her without the interruption of phones.

 

Do you think she likes it when you're jealous? If you think that's the case, act like you're bored if she tells you old stories of co-workers, or outright tell her since you've never met them, you'd rather talk about something that interests you both.

Your wife is the one who was rude about the picture, and she's embarrassed for getting called on that. Doesn't sound like anything to get jealous about.

I've always had close relationships with guys I work with; in every case, either or both of us were in committed relationships with partners and there was no question AT ALL of anything untoward going on. It's natural that there should be a strong bond in an environment where some pretty intense things are being dealt with, and this has no bearing on her relationship with you.

 

There are a couple of points which I think are worth addressing from your post, though, and I hope you find this reassuring! When you say:

According to my wife he adored his wife and kids, was married for a long time and would never do anything to jeopardize that (I’m not sure why she would bring this up…..). I tried not to read into this.

 

I think you answer your own question - as to why she should bring this up - in the following para have a tendency to get very jealous and it been a plague for me over the years with various relationships It would make sense for your wife to try and reassure you before your imagination started working overtime! Unfortunately, as you know, once the doubt's there it takes on a life of its own and reassurance doesn't necessarily work. However, it's important to recognise that these are your feelings, that they come from within, and they're not a response to anything happening in the external world.

 

Also, I'm looking at the following:

Honestly I did not see any harm in what the brother wrote and I don’t know what she was so bet out of shape over it. My wife’s reaction is what bothered me. Why would she get so bend out of shape?

You answer your own question, as to why she would get bent out of shape, in the sentence after that does have a tendency to get irritated over thing like that (when she thinks someone is insulting her)

 

There is nothing in your post to suggest that there's anything to get jealous about in reality, but I appreciate you're still torturing yourself with your own feelings. If therapy hasn't made any difference, perhaps another approach might.