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Thread: I wanted to clarify things but...

  1. #1
    sensitivegirl0
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    I wanted to clarify things but...

    Hi

    I have a guy friend, we know each other for long time because we went to same school but we never really spoke before. We started hanging around in a group setting almost a year ago. Few months ago, I started thinking that he sees me more than friends. Its the little things he did, a look, a touch. For instance, I was away for a month, and no-one knew when i would be back to city. When i got back i didnt tell anyone but his friend saw me in the street we spoke a bit. One hour later, my guy friend messaged me to ask how I am and where I am. Considering the fact that we didnt spoke for 2 weeks time and that I saw his friend an hour ago, it was obvious that his friend told him that I am back. So this was the last thing that made me think that "yes, this guy likes you more than a friend or he is into you.". I wanted to have a conversation with him to tell him that i dont see him that way. If you ask me why I wanted to tell him this, because I like another guy. And this guy is a common friend.

    The problem is that after we talked he told me our friendship is ruined now. I am posting the conversation below. And my question is: If he really saw me just as a friend, why did he react like this? Why did he take it too serious?
    Now I am feeling so bad. Because I feel like I ruined a friendship. But my instincts tell me that i did the right thing. And my instincts tell me that yes he liked me more than a friend.

    ---

    Me: I want to clarify few things but I dont want to hurt you.

    Him: Tell me

    Me: Ive had a feeling for some time that you see me more than friends. Is this true? Or did i misunderstand it?

    Him: I cant believe it. Lets not talk about this.

    Me: Why? if there is something like this, then you should tell me.

    Him: I will act as if we never had this conversation and you never told me such thing. But this will ruin our friendship and the sincerity between us. There isnt anything like you assumed. I have a lot of friends that I am as close as I am to you. And I act the same around them, I am sincere with them. But since we are having thing conversation now, there wont be such sincerity between us anymore.

    Me:Look, you are such a good person, and friend, we get along so well, we can talk about anything and i am so happy to have such connection. I had a feeling that you might like me more than a friend and I wanted to clarify with you that I see you as a brother.

    Him: I really didnt think you would think like this. And i have no idea what made you feel like this. I would never ruin our good friendship.

    Me: Sometimes I can misinterpret things. And I ruin everything. I didnt want to talk to you about this because i ddint want to ruin our friendship. BUT if we didnt talk I would always have this doubt in my head. and I would keep distant from you. I hope i didnt break your heart.

    Him: Why did you wait all this time. Why didnt you tell me before?

    Me: I wanst sure, plus i waited for the right time.

    Him:I dont really know what to tell you.

    Me: If i dint talk with then i would never know how you feel. We are human. we can misunderstand each other sometimes. I wanted to clarify things. Now that we talked, everyting is clear. Plus, you are an understanding person, so I though I could speak to you about this.

    Him: To be honest with you, after this conversation, i dont know how to treat you and how behave around you.

    Me: And i didnt know you reaction would be like this. If there wasnt such thing, I expected you to laugh it off, and if you liked me I expected you to tell me yes i like you.

    Him: I want to ask you a question now. What made you think that I liked you more than friends?

    Me: Good question. I just had a feeling. I was never 100% sure, I just said MAYBE he likes me more than a friend. I am not feeling well now, we can talk about this in more detail later.

    Him: Now i understand, its normal that you felt like this. But since you were not sure, I wish you kept it to yourself and didnt even mention it.

    Me: Well but I did.

    Him:I can tell you with all my honesty that there isnt anything like you assumed. And it would be better if there will never be. But i am not happy that we had this conversation. In fact I am extremely annoyed. If i liked you more than friends I would tell you. But since we had this conversation, things got worse. Most probably, I will feel awkward to be in the same environment with you.

    Me:Lets talk about his later face to face.

    Him: Lets not talk about this again.

    --

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    Unfortunately it seems you jumped the gun. He never asked you out or showed any real interest beyond friends so accusing him of wanting to be more than friends based on your interpretation of nothing more than signs or feelings was exceptionally awkward and a dynamic changer.

    Sometimes if it's not broke, don't fix it. If...he had asked you out or made a move that would have been the time for this type of conversation.

    He handled very well, but you put him on the spot with your hunch so he may feel too awkward to be friends at this time.
    Quote Originally Posted by sensitivegirl0 [Register to see the link]
    Him: I really didnt think you would think like this. And i have no idea what made you feel like this. I would never ruin our good friendship.
    Him: I want to ask you a question now. What made you think that I liked you more than friends?
    Me: Good question. I just had a feeling. I was never 100% sure, I just said MAYBE he likes me more than a friend. I am not feeling well now, we can talk about this in more detail later.
    Him: Now i understand, its normal that you felt like this. But since you were not sure, I wish you kept it to yourself and didnt even mention it.

  3. #3
    gebaird
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    Me thinks he doth protest too much.

    Your side of the conversation seems mature and thoughtful. His side, not so much. I think he did like you, but obviously didn't know how to handle it when confronted.

    If he chooses to end the friendship, it's on him, not you. I think your instincts were right on, and even if they weren't, he didn't have to react so badly.

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    reinventmyself
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    I think you were both wrong.
    He was pretty clear on not wanting to discuss it, yet you pursued it anyway. Over and over. Pretty much guaranteed a poor outcome.
    If he was indeed just feeling friendly, I am not sure why he was so overly intense and hostile about it.
    He could have cut you off at the pass and laughed it off. In turn you might have been a bit embarrassed.
    Either way it didn't end well and someone was bound to feel awkward.
    Next time. . just leave well enough alone.

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  7. #5
    sensitivegirl0
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    well, when he messaged me few days ago right after i saw his friend, he asked me out, he said we should grab a coffee sometime. but i cut it off right away by saying i am busy.

  8. #6
    reinventmyself
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    Quote Originally Posted by sensitivegirl0 [Register to see the link]
    well, when he messaged me few days ago right after i saw his friend, he asked me out, he said we should grab a coffee sometime. but i cut it off right away by saying i am busy.
    lol. . .seeing that changes the entire flavor of things, how come you left that part out?

  9. #7
    sensitivegirl0
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    Quote Originally Posted by reinventmyself [Register to see the link]
    lol. . .seeing that changes the entire flavor of things, how come you left that part out?
    I wanted to keep the post as short as possible lol

  10. #8
    Wiseman2
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    Did he message you again after you told him you were busy? Had you ever hung out as friends?

    Just not sure what you thought the message "I think you're into me but I'm not into you" was hoping to accomplish or establish?

    It seems like shooting down a passenger plane "feeling" is enemy aircraft. More harm than good, sorry.
    Quote Originally Posted by sensitivegirl0 [Register to see the link]
    well, when he messaged me few days ago right after i saw his friend, he asked me out, he said we should grab a coffee sometime. but i cut it off right away by saying i am busy.

  11. #9
    sensitivegirl0
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    Yes, we hung out before many times, he always invited me to a group settings. For example, he invite to me parties by saying "Hey we are going to this party with X, Y, Z, (x, y, z are our mutual friends) come with us and when I go to party X, Y Z are hanging around with other people and we are left alone." He invited me out before but always in group settings. But all these small details made me think that maybe he likes me more than friends. also I saw on his fb page posts like "I couldnt tell he i love her" a song lyric lol and some other stuff.

  12. #10
    Wiseman2
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    Ok that's grasping for straws. Hopefully the dust will settle and you can still be friends, but for now wait for him to reach out after this awkward conversation.

    What if the shoe were on the other foot and a guy accused you of being into him based on extremely vague signs and hunches?
    Quote Originally Posted by sensitivegirl0 [Register to see the link]
    I saw on his fb page posts like "I couldnt tell her i love her" a song lyric lol and some other stuff.

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