EX GF wants closure

My girlfriend and I broke up 2.5 weeks ago. We've been playing text tag to figure out an exchange of our stuff. I'm still heartbroken and want her back. She doesn't seem interested in getting back together from what I can gather from the text. I wrote her that it may not be a good idea to meet next week as we are on different pages and she seemed offended as she may be angling for friendship. I'm torn, should I meet her or just mail her her stuff? I told her that since I'm still interested and she's not, maybe it's best we don't meet and she seemed mad about that. Not sure what closure is all about and if it will just hurt me more going. I think I might be tempted to use that as a time to state my case and why we should try again. What do you guys think?

You two are no longer a team and therefore you aren't obligated in any way to take care of her emotions. That's her job.

And it's your job to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. And if that means no contact, then that's what it is.

Especially seeing you are leaning more in that direction I encourage you to stay on track and hold your position.

Seeing her again and rehashing issues rarely gives someone closure.

Closure comes from within, when you have closed the door, forgiven, detached and let go.

I agree, seeing her again is like picking at a scab. It can't heal unless you leave it alone.

She can be mad and that's ok. She'll get over it. She can't make demands of someone who is no longer her bf.

Arrange to leave her stuff somewhere where she can pick it up.

Came back to add: I see you want to reconcile.

If you think there is little or no chance and get clarification from her what her wishes are, then turn down the offer of being her friend until a later time.

Tell her to contact you if she ever changes her mind.

Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? How long were you dating? Is it a lot of stuff?

You can't keep her stuff hostage and she's not obligated to hang onto yours, so can throw it out. Don't be emotional. Do the exchange. You could try for reconciliation but it may not work. But don't accept the friendzone .

We've been playing text tag to figure out an exchange of our stuff. I told her that since I'm still interested and she's not, maybe it's best we don't meet and she seemed mad about that. I think I might be tempted to use that as a time to state my case and why we should try again.

Whatever you want and need in this situation is ok. Of course it's good to return her stuff. Make it clear that you have strong feelings and you're not willing to be friends (you can add 'yet'- you need space and time etc.)

Set a clear time boundary when you meet her (a firm plan to be somewhere else or something you have to do) so that you know how long the meeting will last.

If you want to be with her, and she wants to be just friends, then No Contact is the way to go. Trying to be friends hurts a lot more in the long run.

Why did you guys break up?

If she broke up with you then she can't demand your support as your relationship is over on her terms and she's sacrificed the right to your friendship.

Giving each other's stuff back is sensible, if you think emotions are too high at this point you can wait a little longer but don't drag it out too much.

The sooner you do the exchange the sooner you can move on.

Why did you guys break up?

 

If she broke up with you then she can't demand your support as your relationship is over on her terms and she's sacrificed the right to your friendship.

 

Giving each other's stuff back is sensible, if you think emotions are too high at this point you can wait a little longer but don't drag it out too much.

 

The sooner you do the exchange the sooner you can move on.

The mere fact that his wishes make her angry instead of being compassionate when the situation calls for it, is telling.

I can't imagine someone being angry if you won't be their friend after they broke up with you.

Unless I am missing something.

Thank you, thank you guys so so much. We dated for 3 months and the last few weeks I could sense she was pulling back, not sure we were a good match. Unfortunately, my natural reaction to this was to lean it, and that made things worse. We dated long enough to get attached and invest our hearts into it. So I am leaning in the direction of just sending her stuff. I don't know what advantage of seeing her EXCEPT if I can try to reignite something now that we had a few weeks apart. But I know she will come in with the mindset of full closure, so I'm just struggling to see what the benefit of it is for me at this point when I need to look out for my emotions. I'm thinking of texting her back something like this.

"I still really care about you, and I'd like to see you, but since we are on different pages right now, seeing you doesn't sound like a good idea. If you really want closure, you'll let me start my process on my own."

PS It wasn't a lot of stuff, I could easily just send it. But seeing her I know I would be tempted to try to make another run at it...

Thank you, thank you guys so so much. We dated for 3 months and the last few weeks I could sense she was pulling back, not sure we were a good match. Unfortunately, my natural reaction to this was to lean it, and that made things worse. We dated long enough to get attached and invest our hearts into it. So I am leaning in the direction of just sending her stuff. I don't know what advantage of seeing her EXCEPT if I can try to reignite something now that we had a few weeks apart. But I know she will come in with the mindset of full closure, so I'm just struggling to see what the benefit of it is for me at this point when I need to look out for my emotions. I'm thinking of texting her back something like this.

 

"I still really care about you, and I'd like to see you, but since we are on different pages right now, seeing you doesn't sound like a good idea. If you really want closure, you'll let me start my process on my own."

Go with that. . but be prepared for rebuttal.

Just remember. . it's not up for negotiation.

Pros of not seeing her:

- Can start the healing process right away

- Don't accept friendship, stay strong on my position i.e. it's being together or nothing

- Simple, nothing awkward

Cons of not seeing her

- She seems offended that I can't even meet her after all we've been through

- Makes me look weak, unconfident?

- End on a bad note? Lower my chances of getting back together later?

Pros of Seeing Her:

- Maybe seeing me in person may stir up some feelings

- Maybe I'll be charming enough to not have things end

- End on a friendly, cordial note

- Makes me seem like an adult and unaffected by the breakup

Cons of Seeing Her

- It could hurt me like nobody's business

- I'm not emotionally ready, at least not today. Maybe I can get it together next week.

- Prolong the inevitable

Exchange through a mutual friend -- leave her stuff with the friend for her to pick up and vice versa. Go with your gut -- you are not ready to see her, much less be her "friend". Like people said -- don't accept a demotion from bf to friend.

It's good you are going over it mentally but I would go with take the plunge get it over with so you can move forward.

Prolonging this is just procrastinating and dreading and that drags you down. You start healing After you exchange stuff and walk away.

You are too focused right now on getting back together and that in itself looks weak. Just exchange the stuff and if she reaches out in the future it won't look like you are stalling, playing games, etc. She wants her stuff. Give it to her. Make it a week from now that's fine.

Agree with this but not the rest 6774108]

Pros of Seeing Her:

- Makes me seem like an adult and unaffected by the breakup

Just send her stuff to her. You dated 3 months - basically, 12 weeks. I don't mean to minimize, but this was a short relationship where you started dating and in getting to know eachother, you figured it wasn't a match. You guys hardly left the starting gate. So say to yourself it doesn't have to be dramatic - just pack up her stuff that is personal (don't pay mind to coffee filters or a hair gel, but send her back her clothing, etc.) and mail it. Don't meet for 'closure'

So I just texted her that I'm mailing her stuff, she gave me her work address, and it's done! I feel a million times better. I honestly was just holding out hope that I could somehow woo her, but I don't need to pursue her anymore, I've done my fair share. If she wants to come back to me, she will (I don't think she will). Now just mail her stuff and case closed!

Excellent. Like ripping off the band aid, right? Enjoy your relief and your new freedom.

So I just texted her that I'm mailing her stuff, she gave me her work address, and it's done! I feel a million times better. I honestly was just holding out hope that I could somehow woo her, but I don't need to pursue her anymore, I've done my fair share. If she wants to come back to me, she will (I don't think she will). Now just mail her stuff and case closed!

Nice job. Honestly it takes courage to do what you did. She won't see it as weak. She may respect you more fir having drawn the line.

But that's not why you did it.

You did it because you have some self respect.

If she wants you, she knows where to find you.

Head high.

Feeling better. Starting to get on the road of recovery. She texted me: "So if I am not open to being more than friends, you would prefer not to see me and just mail me my things? Am I understanding you correctly?"

Does it make me look like I'm a jerk by mailing her stuff?

Feeling better. Starting to get on the road of recovery. She texted me: "So if I am not open to being more than friends, you would prefer not to see me and just mail me my things? Am I understanding you correctly?"

 

Does it make me look like I'm a jerk by mailing her stuff?

Not at all. It looks like a man with some pride who refuses to be demoted and is working on moving on. If I were your ex, I'd respect you for it.

Mail her her stuff. What she thinks of you is no longer important.

You'd be a jerk if you didn't mail her things.

No you're not being a jerk. She's reframing it a little. The important thing is how you feel. You are not holding her to ransom, you just don't want to get hurt and you need to set a boundary.

- She's made it clear how she's feeling. You've done your best to accept and respect that. Now she needs to do the same.

It is COMPLETELY unclear why she wants to meet you. It is clearly not just to take the things and then leave. You have no idea what you're signing up for, except that it's the friend zone. It's vague and you need to be firm.

So I have packaged all of her stuff finally over the weekend and it's ready to send. Question, should I include a thank you note, nice note or something? Obviously, I still have feeling for her and working through them but not sure if I should include a note or not... What do you guys think?

No. No Trojan horses. It's to return her stuff as requested by her, not to communicate. When she gets it she can contact you if she wants. Send it by traceable means so you have proof.

should I include a thank you note, nice note or something?

Thank you so much. I finally mailed it. No note. I did include a photo of a kitten we found and took care of together. I really wanted to write a short note like "You truly are a special person and whoever you end up with is extremely lucky" but I refrained and just shipped it, no note. I'm keeping busy in this withdraw phase. We're still Facebook friends and I really, really, really want to check her page, but I unfollowed her (not unfriend) and haven't looked in a few days. Starting no contact since last week. Let's see what happens!

Man, I was doing so so good. I started to meet and chat with girls. I started dance classes and doing things that made me happy again and then....I got unfriended on Facebook today. Man, I'm not going to lie, it really really really hurts. I know I need to move on, but I'm not totally over her. My friend said that was probably her process of closure to me. So sad...

I'm really tempted to write her a letter. Has anyone read or tried this (30 day rule and contact them after)? What you are your thoughts?

Don't write back, it sounds like she's trying to move on. Just keep no contact and move on yourself or it'll only be harder to do that in the future...good luck.