Still struggling to get over ex who I work with

Hi guys,

I'm posting on here because I just don't know what to do anymore. I am boring the pants off my friends and family and most of all myself. I really want to get off this roundabout.

I'm 35 and was in a relationship with an older guy (12 years age gap, ha had no kids and never married) who I work with for 18 months, we saw each other every other weekend and a couple of times during the week, keys to each others houses etc. went on holidays, he would come over and spend time with me and my two children (I'm divorced) mowed my lawn, bought me presents and our sex life was good too etc etc.

I never put any pressure on him or asked him for anything commitment wise, he liked his own space and so a lot of the time we did our own thing but I loved him, I thought he loved me too even though he only verbally told me once right at the beginning of our relationship...but I felt loved by his actions? We kept out of each others way at work to try and be professional.

Anyway, one Tuesday evening 6 months ago I asked him if he could ever see us living together one day and he wouldn't answer, just clammed up and so I asked him how he felt about me and he said "I don't know". Basically since that night he slammed the emotional front door in my face, wouldn't talk apart from to say that we are on "different pages". Any message I sent him he ignored and I went to find him in his local pub and he told me I wasn't helping and looked at me like I was dirt on his shoe. I was devastated and I never got any form of closure from him. I tried so many times to find out why and I waited for him to realise that he had made a mistake etc etc.

He swanned about at work without a care in the world whilst I spent most of the time crying at my desk (professional huh?!) I felt used and strung along.

6 months on I am seeing someone new who is lovely, he makes me happy and the chemistry is great. However, it only seems to highlight the fact that my ex treated me the way he did and my brain still wants answers that he can't or won't give me.

It doesn't help that I see him every day. At first I would completely ignore him and email if I needed to speak to him about work stuff but now we talk about work related issues only. I noticed that if I talk about anything personal to another colleague whilst he is in the room he turns his head away.

Last night I was looking at photos on my laptop for the first time since we broke up and it just made me cry because we looked happy and I still don't understand. I stupidly messaged him to tell him this and of course he ignored it and I felt like some psycho ex girlfriend and mentally beat myself up-again.

I really want to not care why and to not wonder every time he walks past my office or hands me a peice of paper. My feelings have faded now and I know he is the wrong man for me, I realise that he can't love me as he watched me suffering and being misrable every day and ignored it and my requests for reason?

But even so, I just want him to tell me, I'm worried I did something wrong to make him reject me that I will repeat again.

I also feel like I'm not being fair on my new boyfriend, I want a fresh start with him without being haunted by this past relationship. I just don't know how to let go?

Any suggestions greatfully received. I can take (kind) criticism.

xxxx

Don't date anyone in the work place, but I guess it's too late to tell you that. Keep it about work and ignore him. You're with someone else now.

This is a struggle for you, and for that I'm sorry. Many times people break up without closure or words exchanged or worse... vanish entirely.

I had an experience before with a really great woman whom I thought was perfect. We got along so well, she laughed at my jokes and we talked for hours, etc.

One day she just emailed out of the blue to say that she was moving on. I was baffled and emailed her back asking what led her to the decision. She couldn't tell me.

(I suspect she didn't want to hurt my feelings of maybe something that "turned her off") Even though I was really wanting to know if and what I did to make her feel this way, I never did find out and it was a bit frustrating. I moved on since and learned not everyone is a good match and you may never know why.

You are with a great guy now who DOES want to be with you, so embrace that and let the past be in the past.

Your windscreen should always be larger than your rear view mirror.

Don't date anyone in the work place, but I guess it's too late to tell you that. Keep it about work and ignore him. You're with someone else now.

Well yes, if I'm honest stating the obvious or telling me what I should have done isn't particulatly helpful but thanks for replying.

I do regret "dating" him but I have beaten myself up enough about that, actually I forgive myself for making the mistake now.

I've been told at work that I've done a great job of dealing with it and actued professionally and I managed to get a promotion so I am manageing to keep it about work, it's outside of work I have the problem.

I guess I will have to hope it works eventually. Maybe you're right, maybe it is as black and white as you put it.

Hi Betterwithout. I'm sorry that you were treated like that too. Perhaps people don't have the courage to be honest? Maybe it is easier to ghost someone than deal with the guilt of directly hurting someone?

You are with a great guy now who DOES want to be with you, so embrace that and let the past be in the past.

Your windscreen should always be larger than your rear view mirror.

I like that quote, thank you and you are right, I do realise that I have a good guy. I just want to be the best possible version of myself without any battle scars that prevent me from giving him what he deserves in a relationship. I don't want my ex in my head even if I don't want him back.

Sorry to hear this, but "we're not on the same page" is the breakup and the closure. He never promised anything so there was no 'stringing along' just a relationship that you both enjoyed at the time for what it was.

Focus on your new relationship. Dating a guy for a while and it doesn't lead to moving in with you and your kids just means it didn't work out and as he stated you were on different pages.

It's wise to avoid each other if possible and remain profession only talking about work issues etc. delete him and block him from all social media. Do not text reminisce, etc. Focus on your new guy.

It doesn't help that I see him every day. At first I would completely ignore him and email if I needed to speak to him about work stuff but now we talk about work related issues only. I stupidly messaged him to tell him this and of course he ignored it and I felt like some psycho ex girlfriend and mentally beat myself up-again.

Hiya Wiseman, yes you are right that "we're not on the same page" is the break up however vague a reason I suppose. However my confusion stems from the fact that we did used to talk about moving in together and the future so that's why I had the expectation in my head I guess. Also (clearly in my head only) implied by the way we swapped keys and cleared space in each others drawers for our clothes?

Would you not feel slightly mislead by this behaviour or is it just me?

We also had a holiday booked (obviously we never went on it) and surely after 18 months I should be able to ask the question "where is this going" without receive some lame response "I don't know" and then being ignored?

Didn't I deserve more explanation for the sudden change of our relationship status without being ignored?

How is that the right way to treat someone?

I'm confused by the term dating? It was a relationship? Dating to me is at the beginning where you go out on "dates" and are not integrated in someone's life.

And yes if I was just "dating him" then I probably wouldn't need answers.

I think he broke up because he was afraid of getting hurt. There are people that go through bad breakups and after a while if they feel they are over invested then they are in danger if the other person just decides to quit. As a defense against this they quit first before they get too invested.

I think this is probable in his case because as you said, he's never been married and it all started when you asked where the relationship was going. I think your question made him realize that he is over invested and that he's heading down a path where it's possible for him to get really hurt. And I think that was enough for him to go no contact with you and try to heal. From that point on, if you talk about your life in front of him he doesn't want to know. Because if he knows then he'll care, and if he cares, he could get hurt.

I feel that when one dates someone and invests in a person that has mental issues then sometimes they transfer their mental issues to the one that dated them.

This is his issue, his fear, his self esteem issue that caused him to break up with you. It could simply be that he's 12 years older than you and felt that you'd leave him eventually over the age difference. But because you invested and he left so abruptly, it's causing mental issues for you. It's making you lose your self esteem, making you wonder what you did wrong that caused him to leave a good thing.

You didn't do anything wrong, this guy either couldn't see you being happy with him in the future or was just afraid of getting hurt later. Your question made him realize how invested he was and he decided to quit the relationship. Enjoy your new relationship, the ex isn't with you because you are easy to get attached to.

Anyway, one Tuesday evening 6 months ago I asked him if he could ever see us living together one day and he wouldn't answer, just clammed up and so I asked him how he felt about me and he said "I don't know".

^

This is not meant to criticize, but why did you agree to sleep with him, meet your children etc, before knowing how he felt about you? Either way, I'm sorry this happened, and hopefully you can move past this.

It just sounds as though he wanted something casual with no serious commitment and when you pushed for a bit more or even answers, he turned and ran.

But even so, he handed things very badly and was cruel. Instead of being an adult and telling you what bothered him, he refused to speak. That is not only immature but disrespectful and mean.

He is not the right man for you, I hope this new guy can be more compatible and be better to you.

I still work with a woman who dumped me. Everything seemed like it was going great, she was making future plans with me, then one day out of the blue she called me and dumped me over the phone because she wasn't "feeling" it anymore. Let's just say I was somewhat perturbed and then of course having to see her afterward and watch her apparently happily moving on with her life didn't help.

I'm sorry that your ex was such a jackhole about it. However. I think you already have your answer; he obviously wanted to keep it casual and when you started to (sort of) push for something more he wasn't having it. He even told you that he weren't on the same page. Why wasn't he on that page? Who knows? Maybe fear, maybe his interest was starting to wane by that point, but what is most likely is that he never saw you as anything more than a casual fling. Mine was nicer about it, but she never gave me an answer that really satisfied me, because all I really wanted to hear was "I made a huge mistake and want you back." I suspect that he could write you a 10 page letter explaining everything and it still wouldn't satisfy you, only create more questions. All you really need to know is that he's choosing not to be with you. In a way, he's doing you a kindness by not answering, even if it's for his own selfish reasons.

Like you, I am with someone else now. When I see my ex, even though I feel like I'm over her and know she probably wasn't the best for me, I still have monents when I think "We had a good thing going, why would you throw it aside?" But then I think "Oh well, you're too old for me anyway (she was 9 years older), you're a total flake, and my new girlfriend is younger, prettier, and better in bed." That may sound immature but I think in our situation we need to be proactive about putting our exes behind us. Avoid him as best you can, be professional and cordial when you do have to deal with him, and when thoughts of him come into your head answer them with "Who cares? He's an #### and I'm glad to be rid of him" and then redirect your thoughts.

Dont reach out to this man again. Your current boyfriend--just like my current girlfriend--deserves your undivided attention.

"Oh well, you're too old for me anyway (she was 9 years older), you're a total flake, and my new girlfriend is younger, prettier, and better in bed."

My guess is that underneath everything, generally this is the major reason why. With almost a decade difference in age can she ever fault you for finding the person you found now while you are with her? And relationships are hard to keep together, she probably felt you wouldn't be into her after a while so might as well end it now on her terms than end it later as a surprise to her when you're not interested because someone new and younger came along.

^

This is not meant to criticize, but why did you agree to sleep with him, meet your children etc, before knowing how he felt about you? Either way, I'm sorry this happened, and hopefully you can move past this.

Hi, because he told me he loved me and his actions suggested that he did.

He was never comfortable talking about emotions so I didn't push him.

Just thought that actions spoke louder.

He didn't meet my children until we had been together for 6 months.

I didn't just jump in. It's not something I would do, especially when my children are involved

I still work with a woman who dumped me. Everything seemed like it was going great, she was making future plans with me, then one day out of the blue she called me and dumped me over the phone because she wasn't "feeling" it anymore. Let's just say I was somewhat perturbed and then of course having to see her afterward and watch her apparently happily moving on with her life didn't help.

 

I'm sorry that your ex was such a jackhole about it. However. I think you already have your answer; he obviously wanted to keep it casual and when you started to (sort of) push for something more he wasn't having it. He even told you that he weren't on the same page. Why wasn't he on that page? Who knows? Maybe fear, maybe his interest was starting to wane by that point, but what is most likely is that he never saw you as anything more than a casual fling. Mine was nicer about it, but she never gave me an answer that really satisfied me, because all I really wanted to hear was "I made a huge mistake and want you back." I suspect that he could write you a 10 page letter explaining everything and it still wouldn't satisfy you, only create more questions. All you really need to know is that he's choosing not to be with you. In a way, he's doing you a kindness by not answering, even if it's for his own selfish reasons.

 

Like you, I am with someone else now. When I see my ex, even though I feel like I'm over her and know she probably wasn't the best for me, I still have monents when I think "We had a good thing going, why would you throw it aside?" But then I think "Oh well, you're too old for me anyway (she was 9 years older), you're a total flake, and my new girlfriend is younger, prettier, and better in bed." That may sound immature but I think in our situation we need to be proactive about putting our exes behind us. Avoid him as best you can, be professional and cordial when you do have to deal with him, and when thoughts of him come into your head answer them with "Who cares? He's an #### and I'm glad to be rid of him" and then redirect your thoughts.

 

Dont reach out to this man again. Your current boyfriend--just like my current girlfriend--deserves your undivided attention.

I also worked with my ex for a couple more months after she broke up with me in late December. This two and half months were torture as I'd have to see her in the parking lot and think of our memories. It killed me when it looked like she was moving on like nothing happened. Now that she has a new job it has been easier for me. Out of sight out of mind right? I did take a couple steps back last week as I heard she's dating another co worker now but I'm going through it. I still think about her every now and then but it's getting easier. Just wanted to ask how long were y'all together and how long was it until you starting dating again? I've been on match.com and have exchanged a couple messages with women but I still don't feel ready?

Thank you.x

Hiya Hun.

I know all about the "out of sight, out of mind" scenario. Trouble is I have to watch him walk in and out of the door every day, finally managed to swap offices! So hopefully that will help.

We were together 18 months and I did go on match a month after to "get back on the wagon" but it was too soon and it terrified me!

I went back on a month after and it was better, had a couple of dates until I met my boyfriend now who is a friend of a friend.

I'd dip your toe in, it can be a real ego boost and at the end of the day it's just a chance to chat to someone new potentially with dinner at the end of it

If it feels wrong and you feel vulnerable then it's probably too soon but I think it's natural to compare the 1st person you date after a break up to your ex. Even if it's just observing the differences between them.

Just keep an open mind? Xxx

I agree wholeheartedly and your answer really helped. Thank you.

I know it's prob immature to compare your new girl to your old one and I guess age is irrelevent but when someone rejects you then it's normal to want to reject them, even in hindsight and if it helps you realise that you have it better now?

My boyfriend is a real sweetheart and he deserves my 100% attention.

I never think about my ex when we are together, the only real comparison I do is how much more he listens and is open with his feelings than my ex.

So it is better...

my brain clearly needs rewiring!!!

I wish you all the best with your new relationship. Xxx

Is this what it seems like at times?

my brain clearly needs rewiring!!!

Is this what it seems like at times? ]

 

😂😂😂 yes on a bad day!

I'm also recovering from a BU with an ex who is a coworker. I see her almost every day and it doesn't help with the moving on process. But I knew I was taking a risk and it unfortunately didn't work out. It's been about 6 months since we broke up and it's gotten easier but she now ignores me if I pass her in the halls (I declined her invite of staying friends). Yet throughout the entire breakup I was cordial when I saw her in the office and now that I reject her she suddenly views me like a jerk.

Needless to say I'm looking for a new job but moreso because my current job is starting to go downhill and I need a new change in my life.

All I can tell you is, it will suck for awhile because you are forced to see her everyday. But at some point down the road you won't get those butterflies or anxiety when you see her. And you won't feel as much pain as you are now.

Just focus on yourself and work. If you talk, keep it professional. If it starts to turn into a "check-in" pretend you have somewhere to go (a meeting or phone call).

Good luck. It's not easy but you will come out stronger going through this. And don't worry about those who say don't date where you work. You took a chance and it didn't work. Sometimes you have to take risks and sometimes they pay off and other times they don't. I wish you good luck and hope you stay strong