Family don't like my fiancé, advice please

Hi everyone.

Ready for an essay of a story? I hope someone can help with some advice on my situation... I feel sometimes like I'm about to have a breakdown trying to deal with what's going on...

It's been a while since I was here. Years ago I posted for advice on some turbulent time in my relationship with my then boyfriend (now fiancé) and my family. Very long story short, my family didn't approve of my boyfriend and all the pressure pushed me to the point of breaking up with him. Six months later we got back together because after some soul searching and personal growth, I knew what I wanted and it was him.

Fast forward three and a bit years, we've been together 6 and half years in total, known each other for a year longer, living together for 3, engaged for around 7 months and getting married in a couple of years. In terms of how we feel, I still love him with all I have and I know the feeling is mutual. Not a day has gone by that we haven't told each other we love each other. He has made me laugh and smile every day (even when I'm down) and has always made me feel loved and complete. All I want is for us to get married, have a wonderful family, live happily and grow old together.

Sounds all well and good, except that my family do not like him...

Without going into in-depth detail, he's had a hard life. His upbringing was less than ideal and he lost some very close people to him in a short space of time. His step-father was one that hit him very, very hard. The reason I say this is that with everything that happened (this was just before we got together), he became a more reserved person and not as happy as he used to be (understandably I think). He has his demons to sort out, so to say. However, he is still a good, kind person. He's just more reserved in situations is all.

Some of the reasons my family don't like him (going to do these list-wise to keep it as short as I can);

• Money - He is self employed, and he didn't really earn much over the last 3 years. We did end up in a bad way with money, where I was the only earner, and I was about 2500K in overdraft as a result. My family say he should have given up his business and got a job that actually earned money. Hindsight is a great thing, because I've spoken with him about this and we both agree that one of the mistakes we have made is not being more firm on the income situation (I didn't want to upset him by saying to give up your dream, and he didn't want to give it up). Where we stand now is we live with my sister, I'm no longer in debt, and we have a plan where if it doesn't work in 2 months, he will get a full time job instead.
  
• Selfish - Linked to the money situation, they say he is selfish and only thinks of himself. That he should have seen how much stress I was in with the money and just got a job to fix it all. Fair enough, mistake was made there where he should have seen it (he just tried harder to get his business going rather than getting a different job) and I should have just said "Get a job until things take off properly". Everyone's a little selfish, but he does so so much for me and he's not as selfish as my family thinks he is.
  

Those are the main points really... It all boils down to them thinking I'm doing all the work and he's getting a free ride. They haven't seen in person what we went through together (they never visited us before we moved in with my sister about a year and a bit ago) and the support we give each other. We have made mistakes, yes, and we acknowledge them and have either fixed them or are in the process of fixing them.

I'm not mad with my family since I know they are only looking out for what is best for me. It's just hard that I want to spend my life with this man, and they don't like him... He means everything to me, but so does my family... The sister we're living with has cut all contact with him for the last 2 months... She ignores him and wants nothing to do with him, even though he's trying so hard to make things better. He's working like a dog, keeping the house in order (he works from home), never said a bad word to her or any of my family and even wrote her a letter saying he wasn't sure what he did but he was sorry and hoped they could talk again...

I'm heartbroken for him. He's in a different country with none of his family or friends around, and now he only has me to turn to. If I was in his situation, I don't think I would have been as strong and lasted as long as he has... He just wants to be with me and for us to be happy...

Thank you for spending the time to read my story. Sorry it was so long... I hope someone can help...

There's no other reasons then $$? This seems a bit shallow on their part. It's not like he's not working and trying correct? I understand they want the best for you. There's so many worse situation's you could be in. I say if you are happy and have a plan just go with it.

Looks like you will be paying for the wedding if your parents are worried about 2500k

Your family needs to stay out of your love life. It might be fine for them to have an opinion (everyone does) but it's not okay to voice it or to let him know how they feel or to treat him badly due to their take on things.

This is your partner, you choose him and you need to have them respect your decision and respect your partner.

You are right, they are not there day to day, they don't know how he is or what he has done or how he has tried, so their judgement is only based on very little information, and it's not fair of them to dislike him based on finances alone, especially if he has been good to you in all other areas.

Money wise though, your partner needs to get a job that pulls half the weight, enough is enough now. You need to be strong enough to tell him this as well. You are entering into marriage soon and it needs to start being 50/50.

Even with the financial issues though, this is you and your partner's issues to work on together and your family should keep their noses out of it.

Thanks for the reply Matt.

My sister put it this way in regards to the money: "The money is a result of a deeper issue", meaning they think he's lazy or just wants a free ride. My dad said he's worried that I'll end up being the main breadwinner and he won't pull his weight.

I never expected my parents to help with the wedding or when we go for a house. My personal life goal was to work hard at education, get a good job with a good wage so I would never be a burden on my family financially. Other than when I was a student and they paid my rent, I took over everything when I started working. I like to think that at 30 years of age, I don't need to rely on my parents for support. At the moment since we're saving, my sister's helping big time by letting us live with her (we don't pay rent but we cover the bills to balance it out) I feel I'm a little bit of a burden, but that's short term.

I just want them to be happy for us... I feel sad thinking about the wedding sometimes because they don't want it... My call with my mom to excitedly tell her we picked a venue ended up me in tears and not a single nice thing about the wedding said on the call... I'm afraid to ask my sisters to be bridesmaids because I'm scared they will say no... I'm even worried my family might even say they won't come to the wedding...

That's 2 years away though, so hopefully things will be sorted by then...

Your family needs to stay out of your love life. It might be fine for them to have an opinion (everyone does) but it's not okay to voice it or to let him know how they feel or to treat him badly due to their take on things.

 

This is your partner, you choose him and you need to have them respect your decision and respect your partner.

You are right, they are not there day to day, they don't know how he is or what he has done or how he has tried, so their judgement is only based on very little information, and it's not fair of them to dislike him based on finances alone, especially if he has been good to you in all other areas.

 

Money wise though, your partner needs to get a job that pulls half the weight, enough is enough now. You need to be strong enough to tell him this as well. You are entering into marriage soon and it needs to start being 50/50.

 

Even with the financial issues though, this is you and your partner's issues to work on together and your family should keep their noses out of it.

Thank you for your reply, it's nice to see someone external of the whole situation have some of the same thoughts as I do.

He feels he's on eggshells around my family the whole time so he's rarely relaxed around them, so they never got the chance to really get to know him. Like his past or anything really...

Money wise, I totally agree. Relationships are 50-50 and it has to be that way. We did have this long conversation about 5-6 weeks ago when we came up with this ultimatum point. This is the last big push for his business, and if it doesn't pay off by the end of April he said he'll get a job. This is the plan we're going with, and I'm happy with it. I have full confidence in his business. Sadly it's taken off slower than hoped. That's why we have our "last chance" plan.

My thoughts are that money issues can be fixed. If he was a rotten person, that wouldn't be fixable. What's broken in the relationship can be fixed since it's all material rather than emotional (minus the issues with my family anyway...)

It's great if your family likes your SO, but it's not uncommon that they do not. We have a popular program for that, and it's been around forever. Thousands participate in this program everyday. The name of the program is elopement. You have to live your life for you, not your parents. Don't let anyone steal your dream.

Sorry to hear this. Don't discuss your couple issues with family. When you are married, that shouldn't be happening. Any marriage counselor will tell you that...it's between you two not a family affair.

As long as you are not borrowing from your family or complaining to your family then they won't know about your private business, nor should they. You are getting married so now the ball is in their court to accept your choices and treat you as an adult. But for that you need to stop discussing couple matters as family matters.

It all boils down to them thinking I'm doing all the work and he's getting a free ride. They haven't seen in person what we went through together (they never visited us before we moved in with my sister about a year and a bit ago)

Don't discuss your couple issues with family. When you are married, that shouldn't be happening. Any marriage counselor will tell you that...it's between you two not a family affair.

Memorize this line and use it in the future: "We're doing well."

Yeah that's definitely a mistake I have made... I am an open book, which in ways is good but in others it has been so, so bad. I have definitely shared details with my family that I shouldn't have, and I know one that has definitely put worry in their minds that shouldn't be there.

Before he moved over to live here, he was having a day out with his brother when he got cornered in a public bathroom. There was nobody else there and the guy trying to mug him had a hand behind him like he was holding a weapon. Instinct took over and my finance hit him and then ran. I never thought what he did was a bad thing. He was cornered and afraid he could get seriously hurt or killed, so he hit the guy once and than escaped. I shared that story with my family in a "Oh my god did you hear what happened?! So glad he's ok!!"... But they took it as he is violent... In all the time I've known him, he has never raised a finger to anyone (outside of the mugger) and I have never, ever had that worry. I feel safest when I'm with him. But because I shared that story, it put a worry in their minds that shouldn't be there...

Definitely over-sharing has helped them decide he's not a good person... This is a hard lesson I have learned, and it's one I'm learning from still. I feel bad not sharing with my family because I have always told them everything. But I know now that some things are not for them to hear. My friends have all said the same thing to me, that some things are best kept between us.

Reading everyone's replies is really helping me. I was beginning to think "Well if my family all have the same opinion, maybe they are right... But I still want to be with him..."

My dad said a scenario of "I can see in 10 years you'll be unhappy, things will be bad and you'll have an affair". I would never cheat on anyone, so this is very drastic, but I was starting to think "But what if he's right..." even though I know my financé is not what they think. I guess it's just hard to stick to what you believe when almost everyone else you care about is telling you the opposite... Note though, my friends aren't saying these things. They did mention he should get a job if his company doesn't work out, that bit I think everyone (including my SO and I) agree with. But they've spent time to get to know him and all the other worries my family has my friends don't.

Memorize this line and use it in the future: "We're doing well."

This will have to be my new mantra!

One thing I WILL say is it may be best to postpone any concrete marriage plans until both of you have got your financial ducks in a row. It'd set all parties at ease.

Have you two discussed children? If so, would you trust him to provide, or would you be planning on staying the breadwinner?

Agree over-sharing is poor boundaries and 'being an open book' is a euphemism for lack of discretion. Agree with j.man. "we're doing fine" should be the standard response to any nosy questions.

Shift into adult mode and start thinking of him as your next of kin (which he will be when you marry) instead of being over-enmeshed with family.

I am an open book, which in ways is good

I love the advice by jman and wiseman. Unfortunately, I think it's too late for that. No matter what, the parents will always hate this man. Sorry.

One thing I WILL say is it may be best to postpone any concrete marriage plans until both of you have got your financial ducks in a row. It'd set all parties at ease.

 

Have you two discussed children? If so, would you trust him to provide, or would you be planning on staying the breadwinner?

We have a venue deposit paid (since it wasn't a lot and we wanted to be sure it was available for us) but that's really the only big thing we've sorted for the wedding. We have ideas for other bits, but we are waiting until we are more settled financially before going any further. We don't want to go down the route of loans and such because it's unnecessary stress. Plus it wouldn't solve the problem but more than likely make it worse. We should be able to fund this, and if we can't there's a problem with earnings.

We have spoken about children and we can't wait to have a family. Again though, only when we are financially secure and have a home sorted. Neither of us want to bring children into a messy situation and we want to be able to provide for them with no issues. I see us as being 50-50 breadwinners, or 60-40 at most since I do have a very good job with great opportunities to progress. But 60-40 would be as far as it would go or else we would not be able to have the life we want.

Agree over-sharing is poor boundaries and 'being an open book' is a euphemism for lack of discretion. Agree with j.man. "we're doing fine" should be the standard response to any nosy questions.

 

Shift into adult mode and start thinking of him as your next of kin (which he will be when you marry) instead of being over-enmeshed with family.

Very good advice. I need to be more confident in my decisions and not search for family approval on everything. Been doing this my whole life, sometimes with my happiness being pushed aside to keep others happy.

I love the advice by jman and wiseman. Unfortunately, I think it's too late for that. No matter what, the parents will always hate this man. Sorry.

Sadly I think this might be the case... We will see, hopefully they will be happier with him once his work situation gets sorted...

I see us as being 50-50 breadwinners, or 60-40 at most since I do have a very good job with great opportunities to progress. But 60-40 would be as far as it would go or else we would not be able to have the life we want..

If the guy's been effectively out of the employment market for 3+ years now, I'd think about being content with him simply working rather than landing an equitable income, and whether you'd end up resenting him if it did end up that 70/30 or 65/35 became a permanent deal, or at least a long-term one.

And if he can't score a 60/40 job? What if it's more like 70/30? You admit yourself you've got a great job with upward mobility, so even if he were to land a job that's comparative now, it may be one of limited mobility whereby you pass him up in a big way with a nice promotion.

 

If the guy's been effectively out of the employment market for 3+ years now, I'd think about being content with him simply working rather than landing an equitable income, and whether you'd end up resenting him if it did end up that 70/30 or 65/35 became a permanent deal, or at least a long-term one.

Sorry I was talking in the short term that time. The 60/40 isn't concrete in the sense if my job improves and I end up earning more then of course that's ok. I just want him to earn a descent wage where if something happened and I lose my job or can't work for a short time, he would be able to keep things going like how I am now. I don't mind if I end up being the main bread-winner in our relationship, as long as he's earning bread too (if that makes sense ). I just want us to be able to share the expenses, rather than the current situation of me covering them all.

I'm not a money-driven person by any means, I just want us to have a comfortable life where our bills are paid, we've a roof over our heads and food on the table. Material things are nice, but for me they're not the goal.

Being happy is my life goal. If we're super happy in a tiny one-bed apartment or a huge mansion, I don't care as long as we're happy. My wish also includes my family to be happy with him, or at least see that we're happy and that money isn't everything.

My wish also includes my family to be happy with him, or at least see that we're happy and that money isn't everything.

That's one thing you can't have. Or atleast can't have until you've shown them that there's no cause for concern over a long period of time. You've told them too much, and their personalities are such that all they see is what a liability he is to your future financial stability. The fact is that finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. Money might not be everything, but it's still plenty.

So don't talk to your family about your issues, and don't tie yourself to him legally until he's paid off his debt.

I'm not a money-driven person by any means, I just want us to have a comfortable life where our bills are paid, we've a roof over our heads and food on the table. Material things are nice, but for me they're not the goal.

 

Being happy is my life goal. If we're super happy in a tiny one-bed apartment or a huge mansion, I don't care as long as we're happy. My wish also includes my family to be happy with him, or at least see that we're happy and that money isn't everything.

What I'm saying is (and forgive me if I've misinterpreted) is that you've got a guy who's been self-employed for the six years you've been with him (relatively broke for three). That's a lot of time to be out of the employment market. I think it might be presumptuous to assume he may ever get to the point he's chipping in as proportionately as you'd like. You'd be tying the knot when one of the conditions involves a complete change on his end, which is almost never the makings of a good marital foundation.

Not taking your parents' side or anything, but I'd put some consideration into some heavy pre-marital counseling to really navigate this issue through, such as how you two would manage if he finds himself in perpetual entry-level or even underpaying low-level managerial work. Things like this are best not simply left to optimism.

Rooting for you both, though.

That's one thing you can't have. Or atleast can't have until you've shown them that there's no cause for concern over a long period of time. You've told them too much, and their personalities are such that all they see is what a liability he is to your future financial stability. The fact is that finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. Money might not be everything, but it's still plenty.

 

So don't talk to your family about your issues, and don't tie yourself to him legally until he's paid off his debt.

Yeah I totally understand that. He needs to prove to them he's not what they think by supporting himself. I've seen what money issues can do to relationships, from the perspective of experiencing it and from seeing it to other couples. We've been there and experienced that, and we don't want to be there again.

Very sound advice

Oh, definitely. There's not a single thing wrong with having a lifestyle in mind and aiming for a partner who can chip in what's necessary to achieve it. Not calling you a money grubber.

 

What I'm saying is (and forgive me if I've misinterpreted) is that you've got a guy who's been self-employed for the six years you've been with him (relatively broke for three). That's a lot of time to be out of the employment market. I think it might be presumptuous to assume he may ever get to the point he's chipping in as proportionately as you'd like. You'd be tying the knot when one of the conditions involves a complete change on his end, which is almost never the makings of a good marital foundation.

 

Not taking your parents' side or anything, but I'd put some consideration into some heavy pre-marital counseling to really navigate this issue through, such as how you two would manage if he finds himself in perpetual entry-level or even underpaying low-level managerial work. Things like this are best not simply left to optimism.

 

Rooting for you both, though.

Yeah you're right, that is a bit presumptuous of me considering the circumstance. He's very talented and I know he'd progress in any job he took if the company plan doesn't work out. It might be hard in the beginning in the sense of having such a big gap in his employment. I've to remember not to put too much expectation on him to the point it's too high, but still enough to be fair.

I must remember to be optimistic, but realistic.

Thank you so much everyone for replying with your advice. It has really helped me feel better about the situation We have a hard road ahead, but I feel more prepared for it mentally.

Try to accept things for how they are. You family has a right to their opinions. As an adult strive for respect, not "like".

Like is unimportant, but respect for you and your marriage is.

Don't push the "we can live on love" Disney stuff on them. Shift your demeanor and thought process to that of a grown woman making realistic decisions with a mature thought process.

Learn to manage money better and not get into debt. Get an accountant and a financial planner. Definitely get premarital counseling. They usually discuss in-laws, kids, financial management, communication, etc. The important things, not "as long as were happy in a hut" type things.

If we're super happy in a tiny one-bed apartment or a huge mansion, I don't care as long as we're happy. My wish also includes my family to be happy with him, or at least see that we're happy and that money isn't everything.

Try to accept things for how they are. You family has a right to their opinions. As an adult strive for respect, not "like".

Like is unimportant, but respect for you and your marriage is.

 

Don't push the "we can live on love" Disney stuff on them. Shift your demeanor and thought process to that of a grown woman making realistic decisions with a mature thought process.

 

Learn to manage money better and not get into debt. Get an accountant and a financial planner. Definitely get premarital counseling. They usually discuss in-laws, kids, financial management, communication, etc. The important things, not "as long as were happy in a hut" type things.

Oh I totally understand my family have their own opinions and I can't make them change their minds. Only through action will their minds be changed, when they can see things are not how they think they are. That's why we have our plan of if the business doesn't work in the next couple of months, time to move on and accept it's not going to work.

Definitely don't think that people can live only on love (as nice as that would be). What I mean when I say "if we were happy in a small place or a mansion I don't care as long as we're happy" is that I'm not a material person, so it's not the stuff I have that makes me happy. Of course you need the life essentials and comforts, but I wouldn't need the latest and greatest of everything to be happy.

I'm definitely thinking more about premarital counseling alright. It something that wouldn't do any harm and might do us some good It's on the table of things to check out.

I'm definitely thinking more about premarital counseling alright. It something that wouldn't do any harm and might do us some good It's on the table of things to check out.

Even couples without a trouble in the world get premarital counseling. It's just smart. And, frankly, in your situation, not doing it would be the opposite. Sounds like you're determined to make it work out, so you've got momentum on your side. Best of luck.

We definitely want to make it work Will look into local premarital courses and get one those sorted.

Thank you all again for your advice. It has really helped

Things can change in an instant. People do become successful and financially secure when they least expect it. Yes, lottery is one way. But more realistically, from their own ambition.

That aside, one of my best friends is married to a guy who isn't the same race as her. For some reason, her dad never accepted her husband and wouldn't be very kind to him at family functions. Her dad wasn't verbally abusive to him, but just very passive aggressive. One day my bff told her dad that she will no longer attend any family functions unless he grows up and treats her husband with respect. Her dad said he couldn't grant her request. Eight years later and they barely speak. It's fine though, her marriage is very strong and that's what matters the most to her. It's her husband that will always be by her side and vice versa.