Im suffering from retroactive jealousy (cant get over my partners past...)

Next month will be a year and a half my girlfriend and I have been together, and its been a great year and a half. Filled with holidays, breaks away and just real great memories together. We are very much in love with each other, and soon looking to buy a property. However, there is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about her past sexual partners, and I don't know how to sort this out. I've seen a therapist, bought books and spent countless hours online to try and find help. Now I am sure you are wondering why am I bothered, and why did I even need to know? Firstly, we both come from a small area, where everyone knows everybody, and there isn't a single person that has not had some relationship or sexual history with someone you may know. I wasn't very interested in the beginning, mainly because of her reputation and things I heard, I guess my intentions were to get one thing from her at the time. Soon enough I took her out and we began seeing each other. The question eventually was asked which was about her past. Now, I know some people may argue why would you need to know?! Please consider what I wrote earlier, we come from a small town, and I heard things, I needed to know what was true and what wasn't. The last thing I'd want would be to hear she had slept with someone later on down the line. It needed to be out in the open. So she told me, and I was fine...in the beginning. As time went on, more questions were asked, fall outs began and so did the arguments. After a long long period of time I began understand certain things. She was young, wasn't shown much guidance from her parents, followed the crowed etc etc. I can weigh up the pros and cons, bottom line is I love her and would like to spend the rest of my life with her. She is a beautiful person and I really don't think I could do better.

So what do I do? Continue my life with her, think about her past sexual partners everyday (whom of which I know and would normally have a chat to) and hope one day the thoughts I have will fade...or make the decision to finish the relationship, which is something I really do not want to do.

thanks for reading.

I would like to add, I really do try and not think about it, and avoid certain 'triggers'. Such as avoiding going into town, going to my local pub, not being on social media etc. To try and avoid bumping into one of her past sexual partners.

Why don't you just ask her about it?

So you heard some rumors about her and started seeing her to get laid is that right? But then you fell for her. Did I get that part correct?

First of all your excuses for NEEDING to know are all BS. I don't care if you live in a town of 200 people or 1 million the past is the past. Everyone has one...

Let me ask you a simple question. How many past sexual partners are to many for you? 5? 10? 30? Give us a number.

I am curious how many women you have been with. Is this an equity thing

Lost

Stop thinking about the past. In general thinking of the past is depressing.

If you breakup with her. The next girl will have a sexual past too.

Live in the Now and enjoy it.

Good luck to you.

Sort of, I heard certain things, some were true some false. I completely agree, but atleast then there is nothing to hide. Prime example, about 6 months into our relationship I spoke to my cousin, he said that a girl who worked for him did not like my girlfriend because my girlfriend slept with this girls boyfriend. I just didnt want to look like a . Talking or shaking hands with a bloke who had slept with my girlfriend, thats all.

Its not the number, its the fact I know of these people, people I would normally have a chat with.

Sort of, I heard certain things, some were true some false. I completely agree, but atleast then there is nothing to hide. Prime example, about 6 months into our relationship I spoke to my cousin, he said that a girl who worked for him did not like my girlfriend because my girlfriend slept with this girls boyfriend. I just didnt want to look like a . Talking or shaking hands with a bloke who had slept with my girlfriend, thats all.

 

Its not the number, its the fact I know of these people, people I would normally have a chat with.

When I first started dating my ex girlfriend, I also had a problem with her sexual history. She was rather aggressive and pursued me and eventually we fell in love. We worked together and then I began to think "I wonder how many other guys she did this to". I found out she slept with another co worker and we even had lunch together once. It was very awkward for me and the thoughts would upset me. I spoke to a few friends about it. The past is the past. Everyone has one. The point I learned was that everything that happened in her life before before she met me didn't really matter. I was the one she was currently with and her past lovers aren't involved anymore. The thoughts then began to fade and it pretty much went away.

I wouldn't ask her too much about it because it will upset her more and jealousy is not attractive.

I'd just let this go. You ever date someone that's been divorced? If you ever meet the ex husband I can almost garantee they slept together. Unless there bringing the whole football team home or your father or close friends have slept with her who cares. Good luck

If you cant let this go, please go back to therapy.

If you have deep retroactive jealousy issues you aren't ready to be dating anyone, because you can't accept them as an autonomous person. You can't be in a loving healthy relationship with someone who you don't accept is fully their own person. Get more therapy and let her be with someone who can handle the fact that she is a person and not a symbol of your worth.

Sexual history should only cause concern in 2 cases: 1) STD's and 2) unwanted emotional baggage. Othervise there is no point in looking around who slept with your gf. What do you even care about? Why would it be weird to shake another mans hand if he slept with her?

You are making it a way bigger deal than it is, not many guys go around shaking your hand and saying "wow,you should see what I did to her".

I wasn't very interested in the beginning, mainly because of her reputation and things I heard, I guess my intentions were to get one thing from her at the time.

 

So what do I do? Continue my life with her, think about her past sexual partners everyday (whom of which I know and would normally have a chat to) and hope one day the thoughts I have will fade...or make the decision to finish the relationship, which is something I really do not want to do.

The answer is to make a decision either way and STICK with it. Either break up or let it go. I find the whole "retroactive jealousy" thing more than a year on very hypocritical and a huge double standard given that it didn't stop you from sleeping with her. You should man up and own your opinion and choices. What others think should be none of your concern. Good people wouldn't judge you and the rest should not be given the time of day. Personally, I would only have trouble with the "sleeping with someone else's boyfriend" part (IF it is in fact true and not false gossip) as it classes with my personal values in a deep level. Still, you chose to stay at the time of finding out and if she was not the one cheating on a partner, it is not necessarily an indication that she would cheat on you, so, again lame excuse to leave more than a year on after knowing about it. A history of cheating on HER boyfriends is the only red flag that I would seriously question in your case.

I feel bad that you can't seem to control your thoughts about this. However, I applaud you for trying to correct this. I guess she slept around here and there and you are embarrassed by this. Town folks may think you are with an easy girl. Well, the town folks aren't living your life, and who cares what they think? The bottom line question is are you happy? If you are, focus on that. Focus on what she brings into your life, and how she enhances it. She has chosen you, and vice versa. Her wild child days are behind her, and she should not be judged or punished for having a past. My BF has had more partners than I. I haven't asked for a count, so I am not really sure - but I can tell by the way he talks he has had his share. I have had limited relationships - but I DO NOT care about his past. He is committed to me, and that is all that matters. If I thought he was a cheat candidate, I would not remain in the relationship. That is all that should matter now, is she committed to you and has she left her past behind?

 

her past sexual partners.. whom of which I.. would normally have a chat to

Can you please clarify what you mean by 'having a chat to?'

I think you should leave her. To spend every day for a year and a half tortured by this, and yet so desperate to hang on - why? Why do that to yourself? That's not about love at that point , it's something else.

I don't know if she is a lovely person or not, maybe she is, maybe she's not. She can be a lovely person and yet still not be a match for you. I don't believe a person necessarily needs therapy for not wanting or choosing a person with a promiscuous past as a partner. Getting all involved and staying to torture each other though... That's not healthy in a relationship regardless of what qualities in a person we find a hard time accepting.

Like often attracts like. If her pattern is to sleep around out of insecurity, maybe you were drawn to her out of insecurity. You said ' I don't think I can do better'. Better or not, you could do different - you could choose someone you accept and respect out of the hop. She isn't a project to teach you to accept certain things in people.

Meaning if I was at the pub or in the shops I would normally say hello and ask how they were.

So you think talking to someone she had sex with makes you look bad in some way? Like you are less of a person? How exactly? They had sex and were not in love and probably only did it a few times were you and your GIRLFRIEND have been intimate many times.

It sounds like you want either a virgin or to move to another town where nobody has heard of either of you and your past so you will not bump into one of her old bf's. Is that feasible? realistic?

I talk to my ex-wives bf all the time. Shake his hand and really like the guy. I don't have a problem with it and neither does he. I am the guy that used to have sex with her and he is the guy that does now. They are two totally different worlds now.

Lost

Thanks for the reply, however I didn't mention anything about cheating on anyone. As far as trust goes I trust her completely.

No but it's odd isn't it? And it wouldn't just be 'one person'. It would be a few I'd bump into. I can have a chat with her ex boyfriend no problem!! However, it's the one night stands and things that didn't mean a lot that seems to bother me.

Thanks for the replies. There are a lot that I should of written as some people aren't fully seeing what I've had to go through with all this. I know things no partner should have to know. Things were written about her on social media that were awful, that I had to read and really upset me obviously. I do appreciate how hard it would of been for her, but it horrific and could have easily been reported to the police if needed. I also know details about a one night stand she had. This is very heavy baggage for me. You might say 'it's nothing to do with you' and it's none of my business... fair enough. But when people she's been with tell me (before we were together) and I hear about it from other people I'm going to ask!!!

It's hard sometimes when you deeply care for someone and you know too much about their pasts and feel jealous. I get it. I've been in the same boat as you before. In fact, I've had several long term relationships which that happened to me. I wasn't sure why, but I hated the feeling. I did notice it was a repeated pattern.

I'm now married an no longer have those jealous thoughts regarding my partner's ex anymore. It feels great to let go of that.

Here is what I did;

Of course, therapy, I did individual (work on the underlying issues) and group therapy!

At the same time, I brainstormed on a piece of paper, Why? Why does this keep happening? I kept writing down all my thoughts. (as in a journal) At the same time I have a separate piece of paper to write my reasoning.

I got to the bottom of it, (with the help of therapy) My underlying issue had a lot to do with my childhood. My jealousy really stems from not growing up with a father figure. My jealousy all started because I felt I missed out a lot on my life because of my terrible childhood.

Therefore, ANY relationship I get into, as soon as it becomes more serious and more feelings get involved, my jealous feelings starts to surface. It's not necessary of my partner's exes at the time (I later learned) It's the jealousy that I felt I missed out, it's actually the jealous feelings I've had all my life.

I kept working on it and working on it and I could tell you, once I let go of those past hurts, I no longer feel those jealous feelings anymore. It takes a lot of hard work on yourself.

So ask yourself, if you really love this girl, do you think you could get to the bottom of this? Have some faith, I believe you can, I did it. It was hard, but once you do, you will feel like a thousand pounds has just dropped off your shoulders. Hope this helps.

You're chasing Amy!!

Seriously, look up the movie Chasing Amy. It's about a man who falls in love with the perfect girl, and everything is fine until he finds out about a sexual history of hers that he isn't comfortable with. It consumes his thoughts and affects the way he treats her, and he ruins their relationship.

I'm not sure if giving you advice from a Kevin Smith movie is good or bad, but hey, he's a clever writer and it pertains. So I'll give you similar advice found in the movie.

For her, it was that time, and it was that place. But now it's a different time, and she's not in that place anymore. She was with other men because she was looking for what everyone is looking for: love/happiness/comfort. She searched for a man to enjoy life with, her other half, someone to love and be with. But she didn't find what she was looking for in any of them. She found that in you.

So take comfort in the fact that she is choosing you above her past experiences. They matter to her about as much as your past sexual experiences mean to you. What if your girlfriend came to you and said that your past sexual experiences upset her, made her feel jealous or inadequate? Wouldn't you tell her, simply, "it was that time, it was that place. At the time I thought I found what I wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted. I found that in you."

I would recommend going back to therapy and addressing your issues with insecurity. This is not just about being jealous. You are insecure about what others think of your relationship, what they think about you, about what a person who's been with her thinks of you. Essentially, you need tools to retrain your brain - right now, you're on a downward spiral where something can trigger your insecurities. Talk therapy can work through your issues on what deep-down really bothers you, because I doubt you've lost your virginity to her (and I'm not commenting on your morales at all), but maybe you did, hence the compounding insecurity and jealousy build-up.

You just have to create some perspective that she and God cannot change the past, and nor should she, or she wouldn't be the person you fell in love with. But I definitely recommend finding a new therapist, and at least sticking it out for a few months.

You're chasing Amy!!

 

Seriously, look up the movie Chasing Amy. It's about a man who falls in love with the perfect girl, and everything is fine until he finds out about a sexual history of hers that he isn't comfortable with. It consumes his thoughts and affects the way he treats her, and he ruins their relationship.

 

I'm not sure if giving you advice from a Kevin Smith movie is good or bad, but hey, he's a clever writer and it pertains. So I'll give you similar advice found in the movie.

 

For her, it was that time, and it was that place. But now it's a different time, and she's not in that place anymore. She was with other men because she was looking for what everyone is looking for: love/happiness/comfort. She searched for a man to enjoy life with, her other half, someone to love and be with. But she didn't find what she was looking for in any of them. She found that in you.

 

So take comfort in the fact that she is choosing you above her past experiences. They matter to her about as much as your past sexual experiences mean to you. What if your girlfriend came to you and said that your past sexual experiences upset her, made her feel jealous or inadequate? Wouldn't you tell her, simply, "it was that time, it was that place. At the time I thought I found what I wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted. I found that in you."

Great movie! Yes, people build up in their mind that another person was better, or they had better when they were together, never just looking at what they had in front of them, and appreciating that person. It's sad, because they don't look 10 years, 20 years from now. After you've raised beautiful kids together, and be there for eachother. Only you can make yourself feel secure. Perspective is something the OP needs to retrain his brain on what's most important.

Now if the OP just wants a virgin, totally cool! Just keep in mind that that person will be different as well.