My Parents Don't Know I'm Married...

So I've been married for about a year now, and I am not sure how to tell my family. My husband and I got married when we were 18 right after he came back from boot camp. I was going to school in California at the time and then moved with him out of state to his assigned station. My parents just think he is my boyfriend, and we planned to keep it a secret and just have an actual wedding ceremony later on at what we thought would be an acceptable time (i.e. when I'm done with college, start my career, probably around 26). However, his mother just recently passed away. And I feel so horrible knowing I prevented him from telling her. She would always call me her daughter-in-law and wanted us to get married. And he feels really bad that she passed not knowing the truth.

His mother had him when she was older, so in turn a lot of his family is older and is very small now. I want him to be able to feel a connection with my family, too. I know it's unfair to keep that from him. He's expressed to me how frustrating it is to think of them as family but for them to not know.

I'm afraid that my parents will be angry and disappointed. We haven't had the most open relationship to say the least. When they found out we were dating our senior year in high school, they told me I was going to end up pregnant and not graduate.

They are nice enough now but given the things that have been told to me all my life it is obvious that they do not approve of this type of lifestyle. I don't want them to be angry with me again, and I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. They've always expected a lot from me and I don't know what to do.

I know my mom just wants a better life for me, since she was a teen mom herself. That is what makes this so hard.

What should I do?

I dont understand what difference it makes rather or not your family knows your technically married. When your ready, do the song and dance, have the ceremony where everyone is invited, no big deal.

If you weren't ready to tell your family, why did you think you were ready for marriage? I'm unclear as to why this needed to be done, and why it was kept a secret in the first place from both families.

Your parents approval or not, you already got married. You can't really change the fact at this moment. I agree with JMiracle, why did you think you are ready for marriage when you are not even ready to be truthful to both families?

I know a few couples that got married,and then years later they did their wedding ceremony. It's not that big of a deal really. And in the mean time,everybody knew tgey were married from begining.

This is my take on it and you don't have to agree, but anything done out of deceit and lies can never be a good thing. If you've got to hide in the shadows it's not the best place to start off on.

I'm sorry you guys didn't get a chance to tell your MIL the truth. I'm sorry you guys feels you are in a pickle about how to tell your family/friends. But unfortunately you both chose to elope and have to live with that consequence as adults. One of the hardest things about being an adult is owning up to your own choices even if you have regrets.

Having a re-enactment wedding is not going to make things better and can offend your guests. I highly, highly recommend reading this:

You get one day to be married, and that already happened. That ship has already sailed and you can't take it back. Marriage is a binding contract which you both had agreed upon. Elope has that consequence of not getting to throw the big party you want. But I'm telling you, the majority of people do not want to attend a second wedding for a couple that is ALREADY married because it is a slap in the face to your guests (friends and family)... And if they say they do not mind, those people are just saying it to not offend you. But really, that is what they are all thinking.

I have declined a wedding invitation for a couple that was already married and wanted to throw a pretend wedding that was 4 hours away from my home. I congratulated them and sent a card, but I was not going to waste my time to drive a long distance and celebrate something that had already happened. I also did not give them a wedding gift because I felt like I was being lied to.

I also declined being a maid of honor for someone who wanted to throw two wedding ceremonies (one Catholic and one Methodist) because I don't feel like spending the extra money to get my hair/makeup done and then sacrifice another weekend of MY TIME to do it all over again. And that was a wedding that my sister wanted to throw, but she wanted to have the second wedding 3.5 hours away in her home state.

So there's the guest's perspective as why having a pretend wedding is not appropriate no matter what reason you and your husband had. You are continuing to lie to them with this second wedding. You are doing it to have a big Pretty Princess Day in a wedding gown, which is what everyone will see. Not cool.

The proper way of going about this is to host a big party celebrating the news. You can choose a venue, still have drinks and dinner or whatever. But there is no ceremony, no wedding dress, no bridesmaids/grooms, no daughter/father or first dances because hey... You guys are already married and it would be extremely inappropriate to pretend your aren't in front of your guests.

When my husband and I got married, his family were living overseas and wanted to throw a wedding in their home country. I declined the idea and my husband supported me (technically I can't marry twice under the church). We were able to bring his family over to attend our wedding in the US. Then we visited his home country a year later and had a HUGE party with his family and a lot of fun! I didn't have to do anything formal and got to let my hair down. I got a meet his family in a very informal, relaxed setting that couldn't have gone any better than that.

Snny makes very good points.

I know a few couples that got married,and then years later they did their wedding ceremony.It's not that big of a deal really. And in the mean time,everybody knew tgey were married from begining.

It is a big deal if guests have to make traveling arrangements (or have a bridal party spend over $200 for attire, hair, and makeup). That's a lot of lost time and money to spend on something that is not real.

Go check out TheKnot wedding boards and do a search on this. You will find many, many stories of friends and family who were guests or otherwise involved in a wedding do-over who never said a single word to the bride & groom but still resent them/took issue with it/think less of them now for doing it/just generally had a bad time.

The reality is that your friends and family will usually keep their mouths shut in this situation - not because they condone your actions, but because they love you and they don’t want to hurt you.

It's not as special to go to a re-enactment or a pretend wedding. It's just another gigantic lie being played out to people who do care and take marriage very serious. Try telling couples (or any guests attending a second wedding) who had courthouse weddings that their marriages were not as special that you have to have a drawn out wedding ceremony. It's very insulting.

If you weren't ready to tell your family, why did you think you were ready for marriage? I'm unclear as to why this needed to be done, and why it was kept a secret in the first place from both families.

This is a question to be ready to answer- not just to your family but also your friends. This is why many are going to decline going to a second wedding the minute they find out the OP is already married.

"If I wasn't special enough to be told you were already married, why celebrate it now when it already happened?"

I found out a couple months ago from a mutual friend that two friends eloped to obtain a Green Card for one of them. They are talking about throwing a potential wedding later down the line now, but all I can think is the reaction quote above- especially when they haven't told me personally. I am even questioning my friendship with them for pulling this as we speak.

I get it- it's their life and all. But why go to such lengths and be decietful to your other friends because you didn't have the balls to tell them the truth?

To avoid this feeling of deceit, just have a party without treating it like a wedding. Your families and friends will appreciate and respect you and your husband for doing so.

Your fears are tethered in adolescence.

Once you finally mature, you'll understand what you really should, and shouldn't be concerned about.

Don't worry about your Mom, she understands! (And most likely already knows.)

1 would tell his family. Don't punish them because your family wouldn't appreciate your marriage . And if they find out oh well just deal with it then .

For myself and we did a Convalidation many years later for 2 specific reasons. And only invited our parents and our siblings , our child and our nieces.

But really I would tell his family because you're going to avoid very bitter resentment .

I agree with Snny on most counts but maybe with some minor deviation.

It's not something I'd do, but I can see how an official marriage preceding the ceremony could at times happen with some justification. At the same time, should you fall into that situation, fair or not, I think you've forfeited the "right" to expect others to romanticize the ceremony and to celebrate it as the big occasion you may think of it as. By all means, throw a wedding if you'd like, and I'm sure you'd get the local crowd to show up, but don't hate if folks don't want to take time off and deal with flights to make it, or spend even more time and money being part of it. I admit myself that I'd be much harder pressed to use my time off from work and book a flight / hotel if I knew they'd been both legally married and pretty much in practice married for several months or years. I'd likewise suggest going a more modest route and making it a celebration rather than a ceremony.

In any case, it's up to you. I advocate on the side of truth if for no other reason than not having to deal with the hassle of perpetually having to be prepared to cover for yourself.

For myself and we did a Convalidation many years later for 2 specific reasons. And only invited our parents and our siblings , our child and our nieces.

To be clear, convalidations/vow renewals are very different than having a second wedding. And you don't get to do this until several years after you've been married.

It's not something I'd do, but I can see how an official marriage preceding the ceremony could at times happen with some justification.

Can you give examples?

No one really put a gun to the OPs head and told her to marry in a courthouse. She and her husband both chose this. Weddings do not have to have the fancy dress, the big cake, limo rides, and first dances... those are considered luxuries.

OP, you can do a marriage renewal later . But I probably wouldn't do a whole new wedding big fancy party thing because you are married already. Maybe do a vow renewal and have like a big barbeque or something.

You can even do your vow renewal on the same day that you got married that's what we did .

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think OPs issue is really about wedding ceremonies or parties. OP, I'm sorry that you have always felt that your family have made you feel that you have such high standards to live up to. At the end of the day, I don't think that you are obliged to tell anyone who you don't want to. Equally, you should tell those who you want to and trust.

 

If you weren't ready to tell your family, why did you think you were ready for marriage? .

Well to me it seems that Her parents probably are not quite grown-up themselves and may only be in their thirties, feeling resentful that they considered they missed out on whatever, and have brought all that into their parenting style. Maybe if OP waits a few years, her parents may have grown up sufficiently themselves to cope with the news. If they did find out, would they treat your husband respectfully and welcome him into the family?

I'm sorry about your MiL. Sounds like your husband's family on the other hand are more laid back.

Can you give examples?

 

No one really put a gun to the OPs head and told her to marry in a courthouse. She and her husband both chose this. Weddings do not have to have the fancy dress, the big cake, limo rides, and first dances... those are considered luxuries.

I am not j.man but I can think of a pretty good example: health insurance.

In my city, you can get a $50 domestic partnership to share health insurance. Plus, no marital property issues and it's easy to end it, no court involved. However, you have to pay taxes on the employer's contribution towards the partner's insurance AND not many areas still do this. in order to share insurance, in many places, you have to be married, straight or gay.

Maybe one partner is going back to school or something else is going on and the working partner wants to put them on their insurance but can't unless they are married. Maybe they were planning to be married in the future already but now need to "hurry it up" so that one person doesn't lose their health insurance.

in this situation, a court wedding may be the best solution (which, in my area, is $50 fee on top of the marriage license, it's done in the court, and then you're done) and the couple can celebrate with friends/family later when able.

Thank you for your response. I did not think of it like that from the guests' experience. I mean of course I did try to think of it from a guest's point of view, but I did not take it that way. I was only thinking of it from our perspective, and we thought it would be nice to be able to invite our family to a ceremony. I wasn't planning on having a "Princess Wedding" or a big extravagant dress either; I can't justify spending so much money that. I just felt like it was something I needed to do afterwards because no one in my family has really had a wedding. I also wouldn't expect gifts either, but that's probably because I haven't been to very many weddings, and I see the whole gift and money giving traditions to be a little awkward.

And for the record for everyone else, there are people who I have told. Some of my cousins and my whole father's side of the family know.

What kind of ceremony do you want?

We haven't had the most open relationship to say the least. When they found out we were dating our senior year in high school, they told me I was going to end up pregnant and not graduate.

They are nice enough now but given the things that have been told to me all my life it is obvious that they do not approve of this type of lifestyle. I don't want them to be angry with me again, and I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. They've always expected a lot from me and I don't know what to do.

I know my mom just wants a better life for me, since she was a teen mom herself. That is what makes this so hard.

What should I do?

I think this is a poor reason not to tell your family. Your mother would have been overjoyed that you tied the knot before having babies. She didn't want you to be a teen mom like her. She wanted you to have more choices, and to act like she had done something seriously alienating to you is just wrong. She isn't the mom who is in the gutter on drugs, etc, and you are limiting your information with for your safety.

I think that you have a choice to either fess up to mom about everything, or you tell them that you eloped recently. I prefer the whole truth because the fake truth will come out later. Its time to do the adult thing.

I agree 100% with Snny. A convalidation - where you are Catholic, for example, and did not marry in the church, but you want your union to be blessed by/recognized by the church is one thing but to "pretend" to get married a second time - no preacher would "marry" you and play along with your charade.

When my cousin got married on the opposite side of the country, the elderly relatives were not able to attend, so what they did is just had a BBQ at his parents house, but brought their wedding clothing and dressed up in it for an hour or two so great-grandma and 99 year old great-grandpa, and regular grandpa who was not doing well and not able to travel, those who were too pregnant at the time of the wedding to go, and others could see the dress, etc. Then they had a cake and a regular BBQ with no other trappings of a wedding. But in no way was it a "second wedding" - it was a family celebration plain and simple.

Thank you for your response. I did not think of it like that from the guests' experience. I mean of course I did try to think of it from a guest's point of view, but I did not take it that way. I was only thinking of it from our perspective, and we thought it would be nice to be able to invite our family to a ceremony. I wasn't planning on having a "Princess Wedding" or a big extravagant dress either; I can't justify spending so much money that. I just felt like it was something I needed to do afterwards because no one in my family has really had a wedding. I also wouldn't expect gifts either, but that's probably because I haven't been to very many weddings, and I see the whole gift and money giving traditions to be a little awkward.

And for the record for everyone else, there are people who I have told. Some of my cousins and my whole father's side of the family know.

So, dad knows and mom doesn't?? I mean, surely dad knows since his side knows. People are not stupid. They have loose lips. your mom is going to be really pissed if dad's side knows and SHE doesn't. I think its time to pay the piper. Its time to go home and tell her you got married. And just be over the moon about it. It will grow you up to be honest. ANd prepare to have a chat with her about how you thought she'd be disappointed.

Yeah I think I misused the word "ceremony." Some people seem to think I want an expensive wedding with gifts and everything but that's not what I had envisioned. The people I would have invited consist entirely of what you would call "the local crowd." Everyone close to me in that state lives within 20 miles of each other. So if I did anything, it would be a small celebration just like any other get together we have.

Yes, you can't get " remarried ". But you can have a vow renewal.

My mother and father split when I was three. I guess I didn't explain that right in my original post. I didn't think it made much of a difference, but when I say "parents," I am referring to my mom and my step-father. My mom hasn't spoken to my father or his family in almost nine years. So yes, I did tell my father, step-mom, and siblings on that side that I was married.

Yeah I think I misused the word "ceremony." Some people seem to think I want an expensive wedding with gifts and everything but that's not what I had envisioned. The people I would have invited consist entirely of what you would call "the local crowd." Everyone close to me in that state lives within 20 miles of each other. So if I did anything, it would be a small celebration just like any other get together we have.

Its still not a "ceremony" - you are already married. I am not saying that you want something expensive, its just that if you "pretend" to mom that you are not married and this is your wedding, its a sham.