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Thread: My Parents Don't Know I'm Married...

  1. #1
    mariah167

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    Unhappy My Parents Don't Know I'm Married...

    So I've been married for about a year now, and I am not sure how to tell my family. My husband and I got married when we were 18 right after he came back from boot camp. I was going to school in California at the time and then moved with him out of state to his assigned station. My parents just think he is my boyfriend, and we planned to keep it a secret and just have an actual wedding ceremony later on at what we thought would be an acceptable time (i.e. when I'm done with college, start my career, probably around 26). However, his mother just recently passed away. And I feel so horrible knowing I prevented him from telling her. She would always call me her daughter-in-law and wanted us to get married. And he feels really bad that she passed not knowing the truth.
    His mother had him when she was older, so in turn a lot of his family is older and is very small now. I want him to be able to feel a connection with my family, too. I know it's unfair to keep that from him. He's expressed to me how frustrating it is to think of them as family but for them to not know.
    I'm afraid that my parents will be angry and disappointed. We haven't had the most open relationship to say the least. When they found out we were dating our senior year in high school, they told me I was going to end up pregnant and not graduate.
    They are nice enough now but given the things that have been told to me all my life it is obvious that they do not approve of this type of lifestyle. I don't want them to be angry with me again, and I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. They've always expected a lot from me and I don't know what to do.
    I know my mom just wants a better life for me, since she was a teen mom herself. That is what makes this so hard.
    What should I do?

  2. #2
    J Miracle
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    I dont understand what difference it makes rather or not your family knows your technically married. When your ready, do the song and dance, have the ceremony where everyone is invited, no big deal.

    If you weren't ready to tell your family, why did you think you were ready for marriage? I'm unclear as to why this needed to be done, and why it was kept a secret in the first place from both families.

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  4. #3
    jujusamples
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    Your parents approval or not, you already got married. You can't really change the fact at this moment. I agree with JMiracle, why did you think you are ready for marriage when you are not even ready to be truthful to both families?

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  6. #4
    Wolfshook
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    I know a few couples that got married,and then years later they did their wedding ceremony. It's not that big of a deal really. And in the mean time,everybody knew tgey were married from begining.

  7. #5
    SherrySher
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    This is my take on it and you don't have to agree, but anything done out of deceit and lies can never be a good thing. If you've got to hide in the shadows it's not the best place to start off on.

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  9. #6
    Snny
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    I'm sorry you guys didn't get a chance to tell your MIL the truth. I'm sorry you guys feels you are in a pickle about how to tell your family/friends. But unfortunately you both chose to elope and have to live with that consequence as adults. One of the hardest things about being an adult is owning up to your own choices even if you have regrets.

    Having a re-enactment wedding is not going to make things better and can offend your guests. I highly, highly recommend reading this: [Register to see the link]

    You get one day to be married, and that already happened. That ship has already sailed and you can't take it back. Marriage is a binding contract which you both had agreed upon. Elope has that consequence of not getting to throw the big party you want. But I'm telling you, the majority of people do not want to attend a second wedding for a couple that is ALREADY married because it is a slap in the face to your guests (friends and family)... And if they say they do not mind, those people are just saying it to not offend you. But really, that is what they are all thinking.

    I have declined a wedding invitation for a couple that was already married and wanted to throw a pretend wedding that was 4 hours away from my home. I congratulated them and sent a card, but I was not going to waste my time to drive a long distance and celebrate something that had already happened. I also did not give them a wedding gift because I felt like I was being lied to.

    I also declined being a maid of honor for someone who wanted to throw two wedding ceremonies (one Catholic and one Methodist) because I don't feel like spending the extra money to get my hair/makeup done and then sacrifice another weekend of MY TIME to do it all over again. And that was a wedding that my sister wanted to throw, but she wanted to have the second wedding 3.5 hours away in her home state.


    So there's the guest's perspective as why having a pretend wedding is not appropriate no matter what reason you and your husband had. You are continuing to lie to them with this second wedding. You are doing it to have a big Pretty Princess Day in a wedding gown, which is what everyone will see. Not cool.


    The proper way of going about this is to host a big party celebrating the news. You can choose a venue, still have drinks and dinner or whatever. But there is no ceremony, no wedding dress, no bridesmaids/grooms, no daughter/father or first dances because hey... You guys are already married and it would be extremely inappropriate to pretend your aren't in front of your guests.

    When my husband and I got married, his family were living overseas and wanted to throw a wedding in their home country. I declined the idea and my husband supported me (technically I can't marry twice under the church). We were able to bring his family over to attend our wedding in the US. Then we visited his home country a year later and had a HUGE party with his family and a lot of fun! I didn't have to do anything formal and got to let my hair down. I got a meet his family in a very informal, relaxed setting that couldn't have gone any better than that.
    Last edited by Snny; 03-14-2017 at 06:10 AM.

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  11. #7
    SherrySher
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    Snny makes very good points.

  12. #8
    Snny
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfshook [Register to see the link]
    I know a few couples that got married,and then years later they did their wedding ceremony.It's not that big of a deal really. And in the mean time,everybody knew tgey were married from begining.
    It is a big deal if guests have to make traveling arrangements (or have a bridal party spend over $200 for attire, hair, and makeup). That's a lot of lost time and money to spend on something that is not real.

    Go check out TheKnot wedding boards and do a search on this. You will find many, many stories of friends and family who were guests or otherwise involved in a wedding do-over who never said a single word to the bride & groom but still resent them/took issue with it/think less of them now for doing it/just generally had a bad time.

    The reality is that your friends and family will usually keep their mouths shut in this situation - not because they condone your actions, but because they love you and they don’t want to hurt you.

    It's not as special to go to a re-enactment or a pretend wedding. It's just another gigantic lie being played out to people who do care and take marriage very serious. Try telling couples (or any guests attending a second wedding) who had courthouse weddings that their marriages were not as special that you have to have a drawn out wedding ceremony. It's very insulting.

    Quote Originally Posted by J Miracle [Register to see the link]
    If you weren't ready to tell your family, why did you think you were ready for marriage? I'm unclear as to why this needed to be done, and why it was kept a secret in the first place from both families.
    This is a question to be ready to answer- not just to your family but also your friends. This is why many are going to decline going to a second wedding the minute they find out the OP is already married.

    "If I wasn't special enough to be told you were already married, why celebrate it now when it already happened?"

    I found out a couple months ago from a mutual friend that two friends eloped to obtain a Green Card for one of them. They are talking about throwing a potential wedding later down the line now, but all I can think is the reaction quote above- especially when they haven't told me personally. I am even questioning my friendship with them for pulling this as we speak.

    I get it- it's their life and all. But why go to such lengths and be decietful to your other friends because you didn't have the balls to tell them the truth?



    To avoid this feeling of deceit, just have a party without treating it like a wedding. Your families and friends will appreciate and respect you and your husband for doing so.
    Last edited by Snny; 03-14-2017 at 06:38 AM.

  13. #9
    Lester
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    Your fears are tethered in adolescence.
    Once you finally mature, you'll understand what you really should, and shouldn't be concerned about.

    Don't worry about your Mom, she understands! (And most likely already knows.)

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  15. #10
    ~Seraphim ~
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    1 would tell his family. Don't punish them because your family wouldn't appreciate your marriage . And if they find out oh well just deal with it then .

    For myself and we did a Convalidation many years later for 2 specific reasons. And only invited our parents and our siblings , our child and our nieces.

    But really I would tell his family because you're going to avoid very bitter resentment .

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