Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

I was raised by 2 Narcissistic parents. My dad was verbally and physically abusive, always mad, never showed any type of affection and never once uttered "I love you". My Mom was a co-dependent. My Dad abused her as well and stuck with him for 36 years until his death from cancer. It was a very unhealthy environment, needless to say. I am 36 years old now. Never had a "real" relationship except with narcissist men. They all treated me the same way my dad did-abusive. I keep attracting narcissist men and married men. When I'm in a relationship I feel uneasy, I can't be myself. I always feel as if I am lower than than the man. My self esteem goes down the drain, so end up running away from potentially good men but I can't let go of narcissist men- it's like an addiction. Can anyone relate similar experiences? How did grow from this?

Hopefully you've had therapy to sort out your past. Also to explore current problems. Bad choices are like junk food. It feels good, it's cheap, easy, quick low investment but horrible for you long term.

Yep. Not as bad as yours.

Therapy helped. . assuming you've had some due to all the buzz words.

Have you been and do you still go?

Therapy honestly didn't help. I actually got worse while I was in therapy and they never could answer my questions. Both of my therapists told me to, "Just move on," or they'd say, "you're an adult now,"- they were no help at all! I did some soul searching on my own. I starTed reading lots of books and visiting forums, like this one. I put 2 and 2 together and got many answers. I, of course, still struggle, daily, but I'm glad I'm consciously aware of my struggles and the reason behind them. I used to think I was just unlucky and something was wrong with me, but know that I've researched and found my answer I'm on the path to healing. I don't even date anymore cause I don't trust my own judgement. Just like alcoholics can't even have 1 drink after recovery. My addiction is to narcissist, abusive men. It's pretty sad.

Therapy honestly didn't help. I actually got worse while I was in therapy and they never could answer my questions. Both of my therapists told me to, "Just move on," or they'd say, "you're an adult now,"- they were no help at all! .

You didn't find the right therapist then.

I've been to mine off and on for 17 years and he always encourages me to dig a little deeper and come back whenever I need to.

I find that throughout the years I am more ready to learn things than I was before. I went again last year after not seeing him for a couple years and found myself going over things I had previously and learning something entirely different about it. It seems like a never ending process.

Just like alcoholics can't even have 1 drink after recovery. My addiction is to narcissist, abusive men. It's pretty sad.

That way of thinking would be unacceptable to me. I would do everything I could to not have this mind set. You should too.

There is a very helpful FB page, "After Narcisstic abuse-there is light, life & love" I looove it, it really helped me understand what really goes through their head. The founder of that page, Greg, has a book out and he will respond to private messages if you are seek him out with any questions on healing. This FB page is not private, so if you don't want friends/family to see any posts or comments you make, you best setup a different account.

Another thing that I found very helpful is reading or watching YT videos with Elizabeth Smart speaking about healing, moving on. Or Michelle Knight. These 2 women were kidnapped, raped, tortured, starved, beaten...but now they are truly happy, thriving and doing so well. Listening or reading their books helped me to get in the mindset, "if they can do it, so can I."

Our stories are similar. I'm as happy as a lark now. I had to cut family out of my life, I realize now I should've done it decades ago. I've found myself and it's nice not getting cut down or feeling jealousy emanating from any of them if I accomplish something. Being in nature as much as possible, solo traveling, has helped me tremendously.

As for relationships: yes, it's commonplace for ppl to find spouses similar to their dad/mom. But do your best to seek someone opposite. Easier said than done. But if you learn what to look for early on, early traits that show in Narcissism, you can cut the person off faster if they start showing any signs. I encourage you to visit the aforementioned FB page! As for me, once someone starts making me feel uneasy, uncomfortable, or if any red flags are going up, I'm gone.

Sounds like you're therapists were a bunch of tools, quite honestly.

Unfortunately experiences such as this take a very long time to heal, but at listen you're aware of what's going on. Self-help books will assist in guiding you on the right path, but finding the right therapist is going to be at the forefront of your recovery. As such, find another (high-quality) therapist.

Sorry you've been through this, but in time I'd like to think there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Be persistent.

I only found out last year that the family dynamics I grew up in is/was not normal. How I found out: through therapy (a clientcentered one really helped after many years of other therapy), reading books like "codependent no more" by melody beattie and "will I ever be good enough - healing daughters of narcissitic mothers" (i'm sure this applies to fathers as well).

Two things that really made a difference for me: understanding and recognizing your mom/dad's behaviour is pathological, that you lacked normal childhood parental affection, and accepting that your mom/dad did not know better and did the best parenting they could - they simply couldnt do better (it's not about not wanting, they couldn't).

The solution? There isn't any. Try to understand relationship patterns and maybe stay single for a while. Pursue hapiness through other things.

I can so relate to this. My parents weren't necessarily narcissistic, but due to mommy cultural background and being first generation, sexism is very apparent (dominant man and submissive, obedient wife.) My brother and dad were always very dominant, blunt, invalidating everything my mother and I said or did, and kind of bullied me growing up. I noticed I had a long pattern of similar ex's, all very narcissistic. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I dated a guy who forever changed my life. He was a sociopath who sucked me dry of my soul, and from those broken pieces, I started over.

Here's what helped me. Therapy, ofcourse, but more than anything, I did so much research on narcissism until I knew every single thing about it. Not so much narcissism, but WHO they are attracted to. I watched YouTube videos, read books, articles, you name it. I promised myself I would look inside and "clean the closet" of every aspect that made me narcissist bate. Yes, I am still a soft spoken, more passive type, but I've grown so much respect for myself and can now see RIGHT through anybody who is even a tad narcissistic. I can smell it from a mile away, and I run for it... Learn all you can, see them for who they are, and realize it was NOTHING person about you as a person, it's always just a sick game with them, and you happened to accidentally be an "opponent." All it's about is awareness and removing the victim mentality and pain from the experience and taking it as a lesson (I know it's much harder if you had narc. parents.) The victim mentality is the number 1 pitfall of being their bait. Sorry this was long, but in summary, educate the heck out of yourself so it becomes a study rather than pain you internalize over and over again! Hope that helps!

***my cultural background ... not mommy !