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I can't communicate with my boyfriend.


rmo22

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We've been together 10 months, I'm 27 and he's 36. He's originally from Bulgaria and English is his second language. A couple months ago, we had our first disagreement. I wasn't that concerned, and just planned to talk with him about it. The issue was the fact that he tends to make decisions without considering me (ex. We had gone on a trip and he bought 10 kilos of honey to bring back in our suitcases without telling me. This caused us to have overweight bags and as you all know, that can incur a rather hefty charge. We got lucky and were only a couple kilos over, so they let us go without charging. He didn't tell me he'd been planning on doing this until I was in a store choosing gifts for my family and was told I would be unable to bring anything back due to what he'd already purchased. When I protested, his response was "rmo22, just stop it." These sorts of decisions happen ALL the time. This is an issue.)

 

We've managed to have several arguments over the past 2 months simply stemming from the fact that we never resolve anything. We got into it again recently because I feel he's constantly invalidating any concerns I have. The response is usually something like "stop it, just stop it, get over it, what do you want me to do about it?" He will sometimes even yell at me if I don't say anything back to him. (Ex. A man standing in line next to us was so close to me he was actually touching my arm. I kept stepping away, but each time he would step towards me again. Eventually I just went and stood on the other side of my boyfriend. Later, when I casually mentioned that this man was standing very oddly close to me, his response was "ok? Just get over it...like what do you want me to do?" He's constantly responding to me in this manner. It's been addressed, but of course, not fixed.)

 

Basically, when an argument insues, I have tried every single possible way I can think of to approach the issue. I always avoid using the word "you," I've been calm, or direct, or upset, I've even tried joking...I've tried something new every time and it always ends up the same. He instantly gets angry, furious, defensive, blames me for feeling this way, refuses to apologize, refuses to acknowledge that he did anything wrong, tries to tell me about random, off-topic things I did in the past that he SAYS made him mad, but really didn't, misses the point, insults me and will sometimes even make some sexist remarks. I told him I didn't know if I'd ever had this much trouble communicating with another human being before. His response was "OH SO YOU'RE SAYING I'M NOT A HUMAN?" Like...what? That's a fair example of him missing the point I think. But his responses to things are always very strange like that. Again, he's from Bulgaria, and this could either be his personality, or a even a language barrier. I've asked him if this could be the problem, and he said no, although he does get "stuck" while speaking English sometimes.

 

I end up still being upset and frustrated and he ends up agitated, but content that he didn't have to relinquish his pride I guess. I don't know what happened 2 months ago, but this was a guy who once sent me 2 dozen roses to my office to surprise me, cooked me candle lit dinners, told me constantly how much he loved me...now this. We hardly have sex, he never says he loves me and he's just cold to me all the time. He's very impatient and unkind to me. There are snide remarks almost daily. I just stay quiet because I feel completely shut down when he speaks to me like this. How do we have a calm conversation, where he listens to me and we can actually resolve the issue? Or...do I just give up on him? I've tried so many ways to get him to hear me and he just...doesn't.

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You are 27 years old. I think at this point you shouldn't settle being with someone, who does not make you happy. Thankfully, you two aren't married, so moving on shouldn't be an issue.

I don't think that he was wrong in his approach to handling arguments. Some people just do not want to entertain the idea of arguing with someone and would rather just sweep it under the rug and not worry about it. I'm sure that you think it's wrong, but this is the way that he handles things and I don't think he will ever change.

The part that is concerning me is that you have stated that he is unkind, makes rude remarks towards you, is sexist, and you two aren't having sex.

You don't seem very content in this relationship and it seems his cons outweigh the pros. You haven't mentioned one thing you like about this guy.

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Feels like you're beating a dead horse when you try to talk to him about this and he isn't willing to hear what you're saying. I think this is who he is and that the honeymoon period is over.

 

I feel the exact same. I've even said that many times. I was afraid of this answer, but if I have to accept it, I will.

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I had a boyfriend from Bulgaria, too!!

 

Look, the bottom line is that he is invalidating your concerns and doesn't seem amenable to changing. That's a big issue, whatever the root cause. If I were in your shoes, I would start to develop an exit strategy. You can't change people. I'm afraid his past behavior is a thing of the past.

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I feel the exact same. I've even said that many times. I was afraid of this answer, but if I have to accept it, I will.

 

It shouldn't be this way 10 months in. Don't settle. You're 27; you have plenty of time to meet someone where you're courteous and respect each other long after the honeymoon period fades.

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You are 27 years old. I think at this point you shouldn't settle being with someone, who does not make you happy. Thankfully, you two aren't married, so moving on shouldn't be an issue.

I don't think that he was wrong in his approach to handling arguments. Some people just do not want to entertain the idea of arguing with someone and would rather just sweep it under the rug and not worry about it. I'm sure that you think it's wrong, but this is the way that he handles things and I don't think he will ever change.

The part that is concerning me is that you have stated that he is unkind, makes rude remarks towards you, is sexist, and you two aren't having sex.

You don't seem very content in this relationship and it seems his cons outweigh the pros. You haven't mentioned one thing you like about this guy.

 

Yeah, right now I don't feel good about him. When I mention that his previous remark was sexist, he just denies it and says he didn't mean it like that. I'm not sure how "women are born with an instinctive need to clean and pick up after people, and for some reason you don't have that instinct" can be interpreted any other way.

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I had a boyfriend from Bulgaria, too!!

 

Look, the bottom line is that he is invalidating your concerns and doesn't seem amenable to changing. That's a big issue, whatever the root cause. If I were in your shoes, I would start to develop an exit strategy. You can't change people. I'm afraid his past behavior is a thing of the past.

 

Awesome! Then maybe you can tell me if his behavior is cultural or if he's just a jerk! I really hate it when people use their cultures as an excuse to act wrong, but it would be good to know if I should avoid this in the future. I live in Chicago which has a massive population of single, good looking Eastern European men.

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It shouldn't be this way 10 months in. Don't settle. You're 27; you have plenty of time to meet someone where you're courteous and respect each other long after the honeymoon period fades.

 

People keep telling me that, but I've been recently reevaluating myself and I've realized that in every romantic endeavor I've been involved in, I've been the one to end first it for the last 7 years. It's been that long since I've been broken up with. I find myself not liking something about someone, and then just bailing after little attempt, if any, to fix it. I was really trying hard this time to exhaust all of my strategies this time instead of just walking away. I can't deny the fact that I want a husband and children more than anything in the world, but yet here I am without either. I thought it was for my own lack of trying to fix things...but perhaps it's not.

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After only 10 mos of dating some differences can emerge. Cultural, language and interpersonal. It sounds like you are reading way too many relationship-fixing articles and using a lot of psychobabble that actually impairs, not improves communication.

 

You can't control everything he does and after a few months dating he doesn't have to report his every move to you. Try to stop micromanaging everything.

 

Using semantics does not change the dynamic of power struggles. What are these concerns you have? Agree with him that a lot of it is just drama like some guy brushing against you. Bulgarian or English...Yes chill out.

he tends to make decisions without considering me

I feel he's constantly invalidating any concerns I have.

"ok? Just get over it...like what do you want me to do?" He's constantly responding to me in this manner.

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After only 10 mos of dating some differences can emerge. Cultural, language and interpersonal. It sounds like you are reading way too many relationship-fixing articles and using a lot of psychobabble that actually impairs, not improves communication.

 

You can't control everything he does and after a few months dating he doesn't have to report his every move to you. Try to stop micromanaging everything.

 

Using semantics does not change the dynamic of power struggles. What are these concerns you have? Agree with him that a lot of it is just drama like some guy brushing against you. Bulgarian or English...Yes chill out.

 

Yes, I realize I can't control everything, nor do I need to. What I need is respect. That's what I'm not getting. I think anyone would want a respectful response from their partners. I need him to listen to me...but I need to communicate in a way that he will understand. That is my concern.

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If someone lacks empathy, you can't teach them it. Certainly not at 36.

This won't get better. Been there, done that.

 

Yes, this is something I've thought of as well. However, he's incredibly empathetic with his roommate, friends, family...but he reacts to me very differently. I know the empathy is there...but what I can't understand is why he has it for everyone else. Just not me. 🤔

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Make sure what you have to say is clear, succinct, logical and doesn't drag on. You are over-focusing on your needs and not the facts and matter at hand. Stop micromanaging him. He doesn't have to listen to you endlessly, he's not a therapist.

I need him to listen to me...but I need to communicate in a way that he will understand.
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Make sure what you have to say is clear, succinct, logical and doesn't drag on. You are over-focusing on your needs and not the facts and matter at hand. Stop micromanaging him. He doesn't have to listen to you endlessly, he's not a therapist.

 

I don't see where I'm micromanaging him. He never listens to me at all. Ever. It's not like I go on about something forever and he shuts me down eventually. No. I say one thing regarding anything at all and it's enough to start this. The other day I was laughing about something funny that my dad had said on Facebook, and I only made it one sentence before he interrupted and said "yeah, I don't understand American humor" and pushed my phone back towards me without even having looked at it.

 

Tell me, then...if he doesn't have to listen to me, what exactly does he have to do? If he's uninterested in 100% of everything I say, why is he here?

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He sounds insensitive, emotionally abusive. and disrespectful.

 

Why do you continue to try to teach him who he should be? This is who he is, and you know it.

 

Either you continue to be with someone who doesn't care about you, or your feelings, or move on. Don't know what you see in this charmer!!! Does being from Bulgaria make you an azzhole??? Stop making excuses.

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After only 10 mos of dating some differences can emerge. Cultural, language and interpersonal. It sounds like you are reading way too many relationship-fixing articles and using a lot of psychobabble that actually impairs, not improves communication.

 

You can't control everything he does and after a few months dating he doesn't have to report his every move to you. Try to stop micromanaging everything.

 

Using semantics does not change the dynamic of power struggles. What are these concerns you have? Agree with him that a lot of it is just drama like some guy brushing against you. Bulgarian or English...Yes chill out.

 

 

Wise, C'mon! The guy is an insensitive jerk! She may be a little dramatic, but this guy is a total creep! I love the comment about the housework. It clearly shows how much he respects women. Plus, he insults and yells at her. Inexcusable!

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He sounds insensitive, emotionally abusive. and disrespectful.

 

Why do you continue to try to teach him who he should be? This is who he is, and you know it.

 

Either you continue to be with someone who doesn't care about you, or your feelings, or move on. Don't know what you see in this charmer!!! Does being from Bulgaria make you an azzhole??? Stop making excuses.

 

I guess you're right. He wasn't like this for so many months so I guess maybe I thought since he'd been a good guy, that's maybe who he was. But nothing has happened in his life (that I know of) that would make him flip a switch like this. I've always found that once relationships start to go south, there no saving them. I can't say I didn't try I suppose. Seems like the general consensus here is "leave." Strangers usually do give the best advice, oddly enough. I guess I know what I have to do.

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Well, he seems to be nice to them...but he has a certain attitude about them in general. Like they belong at home cooking and cleaning and changing diapers. The other night he went out with some friends to a "Hooters-like" restaurant and when I said I wasn't too thrilled to hear that men in relationships still like going to those places, he said men in relationships still like looking at skin. Barf. Obviously I'm not an idiot and I know this, but it was still gross to hear it out loud from my own boyfriend. He's also been on Facebook and instagram liking pictures posted of alllll sorts of girls. I haven't addressed any of this, and don't think I will at this point, but he never used to do this. I don't think he has a very good attitude about women, but you can make your own decision on that I think. To me, he seems to objectify them fairly easily.

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