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Thread: I can't communicate with my boyfriend.

  1. #1
    rmo22
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    I can't communicate with my boyfriend.

    We've been together 10 months, I'm 27 and he's 36. He's originally from Bulgaria and English is his second language. A couple months ago, we had our first disagreement. I wasn't that concerned, and just planned to talk with him about it. The issue was the fact that he tends to make decisions without considering me (ex. We had gone on a trip and he bought 10 kilos of honey to bring back in our suitcases without telling me. This caused us to have overweight bags and as you all know, that can incur a rather hefty charge. We got lucky and were only a couple kilos over, so they let us go without charging. He didn't tell me he'd been planning on doing this until I was in a store choosing gifts for my family and was told I would be unable to bring anything back due to what he'd already purchased. When I protested, his response was "rmo22, just stop it." These sorts of decisions happen ALL the time. This is an issue.)

    We've managed to have several arguments over the past 2 months simply stemming from the fact that we never resolve anything. We got into it again recently because I feel he's constantly invalidating any concerns I have. The response is usually something like "stop it, just stop it, get over it, what do you want me to do about it?" He will sometimes even yell at me if I don't say anything back to him. (Ex. A man standing in line next to us was so close to me he was actually touching my arm. I kept stepping away, but each time he would step towards me again. Eventually I just went and stood on the other side of my boyfriend. Later, when I casually mentioned that this man was standing very oddly close to me, his response was "ok? Just get over it...like what do you want me to do?" He's constantly responding to me in this manner. It's been addressed, but of course, not fixed.)

    Basically, when an argument insues, I have tried every single possible way I can think of to approach the issue. I always avoid using the word "you," I've been calm, or direct, or upset, I've even tried joking...I've tried something new every time and it always ends up the same. He instantly gets angry, furious, defensive, blames me for feeling this way, refuses to apologize, refuses to acknowledge that he did anything wrong, tries to tell me about random, off-topic things I did in the past that he SAYS made him mad, but really didn't, misses the point, insults me and will sometimes even make some sexist remarks. I told him I didn't know if I'd ever had this much trouble communicating with another human being before. His response was "OH SO YOU'RE SAYING I'M NOT A HUMAN?" Like...what? That's a fair example of him missing the point I think. But his responses to things are always very strange like that. Again, he's from Bulgaria, and this could either be his personality, or a even a language barrier. I've asked him if this could be the problem, and he said no, although he does get "stuck" while speaking English sometimes.

    I end up still being upset and frustrated and he ends up agitated, but content that he didn't have to relinquish his pride I guess. I don't know what happened 2 months ago, but this was a guy who once sent me 2 dozen roses to my office to surprise me, cooked me candle lit dinners, told me constantly how much he loved me...now this. We hardly have sex, he never says he loves me and he's just cold to me all the time. He's very impatient and unkind to me. There are snide remarks almost daily. I just stay quiet because I feel completely shut down when he speaks to me like this. How do we have a calm conversation, where he listens to me and we can actually resolve the issue? Or...do I just give up on him? I've tried so many ways to get him to hear me and he just...doesn't.

  2. #2
    vesper
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    What are you trying to say to him exactly in 3 sentences?

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    Almira23
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    You are 27 years old. I think at this point you shouldn't settle being with someone, who does not make you happy. Thankfully, you two aren't married, so moving on shouldn't be an issue.
    I don't think that he was wrong in his approach to handling arguments. Some people just do not want to entertain the idea of arguing with someone and would rather just sweep it under the rug and not worry about it. I'm sure that you think it's wrong, but this is the way that he handles things and I don't think he will ever change.
    The part that is concerning me is that you have stated that he is unkind, makes rude remarks towards you, is sexist, and you two aren't having sex.
    You don't seem very content in this relationship and it seems his cons outweigh the pros. You haven't mentioned one thing you like about this guy.

  4. #4
    WithLove
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    Feels like you're beating a dead horse when you try to talk to him about this and he isn't willing to hear what you're saying. I think this is who he is and that the honeymoon period is over.

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    rmo22
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    Quote Originally Posted by vesper [Register to see the link]
    What are you trying to say to him exactly in 3 sentences?
    "I want to be listened to and understood. I want to be acknowledged when I am hurt. I want to be respected and cherished."

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    rmo22
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    Quote Originally Posted by WithLove [Register to see the link]
    Feels like you're beating a dead horse when you try to talk to him about this and he isn't willing to hear what you're saying. I think this is who he is and that the honeymoon period is over.
    I feel the exact same. I've even said that many times. I was afraid of this answer, but if I have to accept it, I will.

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    Jibralta
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    I had a boyfriend from Bulgaria, too!!

    Look, the bottom line is that he is invalidating your concerns and doesn't seem amenable to changing. That's a big issue, whatever the root cause. If I were in your shoes, I would start to develop an exit strategy. You can't change people. I'm afraid his past behavior is a thing of the past.

  10. #8
    WithLove
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    Quote Originally Posted by rmo22 [Register to see the link]
    I feel the exact same. I've even said that many times. I was afraid of this answer, but if I have to accept it, I will.
    It shouldn't be this way 10 months in. Don't settle. You're 27; you have plenty of time to meet someone where you're courteous and respect each other long after the honeymoon period fades.

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  12. #9
    rmo22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Almira23 [Register to see the link]
    You are 27 years old. I think at this point you shouldn't settle being with someone, who does not make you happy. Thankfully, you two aren't married, so moving on shouldn't be an issue.
    I don't think that he was wrong in his approach to handling arguments. Some people just do not want to entertain the idea of arguing with someone and would rather just sweep it under the rug and not worry about it. I'm sure that you think it's wrong, but this is the way that he handles things and I don't think he will ever change.
    The part that is concerning me is that you have stated that he is unkind, makes rude remarks towards you, is sexist, and you two aren't having sex.
    You don't seem very content in this relationship and it seems his cons outweigh the pros. You haven't mentioned one thing you like about this guy.
    Yeah, right now I don't feel good about him. When I mention that his previous remark was sexist, he just denies it and says he didn't mean it like that. I'm not sure how "women are born with an instinctive need to clean and pick up after people, and for some reason you don't have that instinct" can be interpreted any other way.

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    vesper
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    Quote Originally Posted by rmo22 [Register to see the link]
    "I want to be listened to and understood. I want to be acknowledged when I am hurt. I want to be respected and cherished."
    That is really beautiful

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