Am I crazy?

I am currently having a very difficult time processing something and I want to make sure that I am not the crazy one here. I will try to keep this post as non Jerry-Springer as possible.

I am recently single, just turned 40 and have been giving a lot of thought to having a baby on my own through IUI. Over the last 3 months I am being hit with those pangs of "your clock is ticking" and really taking notice of people with their babies, etc. I have even found myself crying. I come from a very small close-knit family and it would be very important for me to have their support. Besides really wanting to have a child, I am also thinking about the joy that a child would bring to my family. I have an older sister but she never had children.

6 months ago I moved out of the house that my ex-bf and I shared and moved in with a family friend (I will call him K) who had a spare room to offer me. A couple of weeks ago I brought up the fact that I have been thinking about having a baby on my own and I talked a bit about donor sperm and IUI/IVF. He perked up and without hesitation said that he would be willing to be a donor. I laughed at first but then I started to give some serious thought to his proposition.

Here is where it gets messy, I have to expand a bit on K's relation to our family. My sister and I met him in the late 90s at a company that both of us were working at and he fell in love with my sister. K and her remained friends and to a lesser extent so did I even after we all stopped working at the same company. He wanted to be in a relationship with her so badly and stuck it out with her while she dated others. He took her on trips, bought her an engagement ring, supported her income when she lost her job. He has never been with a woman.

There was one big thing, however, that stood in the way of any real relationship ever developing b/w them - his mother. He lived with his mother who was very jealous of him having any kind of life and would threaten that if he ever left her she would give everything to his brother when she died. So anytime I broached the subject of her getting together with K she would say that it could never happen because of his mother.

K felt that the only way that he could show my sister that he was serious about her was to gift her a 1/3 percentage of the house upon the death of his mother and subsequent sale of the house. I am beginning to wonder if that was his idea or one she put in his head. He went to a lawyer and made it legal. He always said that this gifting, although not stated overtly in the document, would only happen if they got into a relationship together.

Their relationship, or lack thereof has always been a tumultuous one. My sister just uses him. Never once have they been intimate and he is always the one to pay for things, drive her here and there, he's supported her income when she was unemployed, and if she doesn't get what she wants from him she plays mindgames and ignores him. At his mothers funeral she wouldn't even sit beside and comfort him for fear that someone may think that they were together. She is very self-centered.

After his mom passed away, the idea was that he would sell the property and they would move into a new place together with the proceeds (including her 1/3 share). That sounded pretty reasonable and we all thought and hoped that they would finally become a couple, but then as they were looking for places to live, it became obvious to him that my sister still had no intention of making it official with him as she was suggesting having her own bedroom. K felt defeated like the mat had been pulled from under him but he still sold the house, gave my sister her share and bought a vacation property up north which he did not tell her about. Of course when she found this out she flipped and used it against him saying that he was lying and kept secrets from her so how could she trust being in a relationship with him, like she ever had those intentions in the first place. On top of this, she has asked me to keep an even bigger secret from him, that she hasn't been working for over 2 years. I guess she didn't want him to know this or maybe he wouldn't have given her the share for fear that she would use it up and not work. She lies to him continuously about her job.

After a few months things settled and they were on speaking terms again. We found out that when he purchased the northern property he put my sister on title for a certain percentage, reason being because he wanted it to be owned by 3 people - him, her and the guy who lives up there. None of us can figure why he would give the guy a share but it is what it is. At any rate, when my sister found this out she told K that she wanted no part of it and demanded he take her off the deed but not just in name, that he would have to pay her out on top of it. I really don't know how he cannot see that she is a gold-digger.

So here is where the Springer comes in...

I brought my thoughts up to my mom about the idea of co-parenting a child with K. She thinks that I am crazy for even thinking about doing this. She says that I would be selfish to bring a child into this world in the state that it’s in and that both myself and K are not the best candidates because

- he is about 20 years older than I am

- we always thought he was a little socially odd but after having lived with him I can say with certainty that he is on the autism spectrum, likely a mild case of Aspergers

- I suffer from bouts of depression

- My sister will be upset

I, however, feel that he would be a great candidate because he is a very caring and generous man who commits to whatever it is in life that he does. Both of his parents are gone and he has no family other than a brother who lives in another part of the country. Over the years, he has come to be part of our family, even more so now that I have been living with him. After his dad died he stayed with his mom and took care of her until she passed away many years later. He is a professional with a good stable job that pays very well.

This would strictly be a co-parenting situation. I know that a child would enrich our lives and provide us with an even greater purpose. We both have a lot of love to give as well as a genuine love and care for each other. Also, I believe that my depression is in part brought on from my feelings of an unfulfilled life.

So my mom of course told my sister what I said and now apparently she is a wreck. She hasn't called me yet but has called K a few times and yelled at him saying that he's really hurt her and that she thought that they were in a relationship together.

Both her and my mom have been talking to him behind my back about what a bad idea this would be. hey are telling him things to discourage him and feeding him things like what if I move and take the child, etc. It all came out yesterday before I was suppose to go to dinner with them so I did not end up going.

My sister is playing like she is the victim in all of this. I think she has bigger plans in mind with him and is afraid that this is going to put a kibosh on them.

The way I feel is that because K and I have a mutual respect and care about each other I thought what a nice way to show that I would be willing to have a child with him since he has cried many times that he wished he had a child.

He says that he would prefer that we were a couple but I said that was not my intention. Why fix it if it ain't broken?

It seems that they have blown this way out of proportion, all that really happen thus far is that he offered to be the donor and i am considering it.

Am I crazy?

Thanks to all of you who have read this and responded.

You may want to consider an anonymous donor. He's too old. Its' too complicated.

"You are eligible to start the donor screening process if you meet the following requirements:

You are between the ages of 20 and 39 and are at least 5 feet 7 inches

You are able to make a one-year commitment to the program (equals 2 semesters for students)

You are a high school graduate and live within 25 miles of our downtown office

You can work legally in the United States

You can provide medical information about both sides of your biological family

You can visit us at least once a week, during business hours

You have no chronic health problems

You have completed or are pursuing a college degree

In order to comply with tissue bank licensing regulations, we cannot accept donor applicants who have been exposed to or infected with HIV, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, HTLV, syphilis, genital herpes, or genital warts."

No way should you consider him.

He is old and doing this with him is going to turn your family into a war zone, it already is. Why bring a child into a total mess such as that? Do you really want your sister to hate on the child?

Far far too messy. I can understand wanting a child, but an anonymous donor makes far more sense.

What is in the best interest of a child who you will bring into this world? Put aside your baby fever as the top priority is what's in the best interests of a child. Your needs are secondary to that. I had my son at age 42. He is an awesome blessing. I chose to wait until I was married because I personally didn't think it was fair to a child to bring him into this world outside of a stable two parent family. But o considered adopting on my own a child who was already here - that would be me parenting a child who had no one rather than me creating a hooks outside of a two parent family and on purpose. Please consider the child more than you are writing about not your post. It seems heavily focused on your need to be a mom. Good luck.

So you watch your sister use this man over and over again and you decide 'hey I could also use this guy!'. Because that is what you are doing. You want to use him for financial, emotional and parenting support. You think he's a good candidate because what he can give you. You know he wants more than you want and you know he'll put up with nothing. I think the best thing you could could do for him is leave him alone. Or help him figure out how to date so he can get some of his needs met.

It does sound very complicated, especially where he said he'd prefer to be a couple. In my opinion, you'd be better off going with the anonymous donor.

The circumstances seem complicated to me, too, but the answer does not. Unreasonable or not (and for the record, I do think it's unreasonable), you will be combating such stress and strife from the very start that I'm concerned about your health and well-being as much as the little one's.

I don't think that you *can* do this, due to your familial considerations, again, regardless of should.

Sorry, OP. I wish I had a more positive post to contribute. Best of luck.

I'm sorry for your situation. Maybe I'm weird, but I see a couple different sides. Does seem a pity that you and K never got together. Your sister sounds like a real B. Something you may not have considered is that if your nice friends has Aspergers, there is possibly a stronger likelihood that he could have children with autism. Maybe if you find another donor, and let your friend be a type of uncle. I think any child could have a heck if a lot worse than him. Wonder what is is he sees in your sister. There has to be something.