Career vs Fiance

Hi all,

In a bit of a pickle, hoping people might offer their advice, especially anyone whose been in a similar situation.

So to give some context: I am a 23 year old man, in a relationship with a 22 year old woman. We are engaged (I know, we're young) and have lived together for almost two years now. I'm about to finish my degree, and once it's completed, the two of us will be moving back in with her parents until the wedding (next year) and then we plan to move abroad after a long honeymoon in India. Now, there is nothing actually wrong with our relationship, on the contrary, we are very much in love, we enjoy spending time together, and very rarely have disagreements. Even when we do, they're only minor.

Where the problem comes in, is the future we have paved for ourselves. Moving abroad is something I've always wanted to do, and my other half was actually the one who first suggested it. Naturally, I was over the moon, and we're now set on the idea. The issue I have, is the manner in how we're moving abroad. Probably sounding a bit cryptic at this point, so let me take a side-step.

For a long while, even before the two of us met, I've not been enthused by the 9-5/office job lifestyle. Now before anyone wanders, it is not because of laziness, ask any of my previous managers, I'm incredibly hardworking. I've just always wanted to travel for extended periods, earning money whilst seeing the world. I don't desire to be rich. Before meeting my other half, I said to myself that after I've graduated from uni, I'd go and teach English abroad for a living. At least a few years, who knows, maybe I'd make a career out of it.

When we got together, of course I had to make some serious considerations in my head. Once we'd been together for a while and I knew this was going to be for the long-haul, I brought it up with her. It was a proper discussion, we both listened to each other respectfully, but in the end, it was clear that she didn't want to join me in this venture. Which is fair enough, we'd essentially be moving from country to country every 6-12 months, living my dream, with my partner following me around from job to job, it'd be unfair on her. Later, we came up with a compromise, by spending a few months in India for our honeymoon. Great stuff.

However, the more time goes by, the more I realise that a few months in India isn't going to satisfy this urge. I find myself looking at teaching English abroad every month or two, places to go, qualifications to attain etc. But after a couple of hours I always end up saying 'well it's not actually going to happen, it's just a dream, so stop wasting your time you fool'. Then I sort of give up, feeling a bit deflated.

This keeps happening, and more and more frequently. So now I seem to be stuck in this horrible dilemma of, do I set aside my dreams, perhaps regretting never even trying years from now? Or do I leave my fiancé, whom I love so much, and perhaps regret that years from now?

Eventually you'll have to admit to yourself that you are not ready to to settle down yet. True it's unfair to her to get engaged, live with her folks and then expect her to bounce around the world after you..

You need a frank discussion about this and not leading her on. There's no compromise here. Your settling down way too soon and forgetting your dreams will breed resentment and that resentment will grow and grow.

One of you will get hurt if she's thinking marriage, kids, settling down near parents and you are thinking of globetrotting.

I'm about to finish my degree, and once it's completed, the two of us will be moving back in with her parents. I've just always wanted to travel for extended periods, earning money whilst seeing the world. I said to myself that after I've graduated from uni, I'd go and teach English abroad for a living. At least a few years, who knows, maybe I'd make a career out of it. we'd essentially be moving from country to country every 6-12 months, living my dream, with my partner following me around from job to job, it'd be unfair on her.

Pretty much what wiseman said. You are not ready to get shackled with marriage, kids, and house payments at this point in time and you need to be honest about that with yourself and with her.

Bouncing around teaching English is certainly an adventure but not a career. So perhaps the compromise is that you take a year and go and do it with your fiance joining you here and there for a week or two as/when she can. Doesn't she still have a year of college left anyway?

And who knows.....how you imagine it would be and how it actually is in reality might be very different and not quite as fun as you think. Either way, you need to go and learn for yourself. Otherwise the resentment for not being able to pursue your dreams and craving for adventure will end up poisoning your relationship.

A year is not much time and you are both very young and have plenty of time ahead of you. Now is that window in life where you are actually free to pursue adventures. Marriage can very much wait for a year or two for when you are both actually ready for the responsibility and ready to actually settle down.

I don't see this really as just a career issue but a lifestyle issue. I don't think it's fair to ask her to wait for you while you go off for a year or more but I agree that now is the time to pursue this kind of lifestyle as opposed to getting married and living in one place.

Have you ever taught? Do you speak any other languages other than english? Have you ever traveled for extended periods of time?

I know some people who have taught english abroad for a living it's a hard core teaching job. A lot of people think it would be fun or easy but unless you have some teaching experince you don't know if you'll like being in a class room.

To me this all sounds like a big dream and one worth trying. But maybe you could try it slower? Go to India for a few month and then have a 6 month assignment and see if you even like it?

I was in your situation and had accepted a teaching job in Japan. I had an English teaching degree, 2 years of teaching, and a higher salary offer than what most JETs (Japanese exchange teachers) were being paid for because of my credentials. I was going to make more money being a teacher in Japan than in America.

Then fu-ku-shima and the Tsunami happened. My school where I was assigned to went underwater.

On top of it all, my boyfriend of several years proposed. And because he was not a US citizen, he could not come to Japan.

I had the choice of moving overseas to Japan for a different school assignment or marry my best friend. I chose the latter and am very happy.

They say God has a plan for things that happen. It worked out because I now counsel and coach adolescents with disabilities. Part of it is office work, part is onsite coaching. I LOATHED office job, but omg I love stability than what I was getting as a non-tenured teacher. I live in a beach community because I have job stability.

OP, you already said you know that you are young for marriage, and it's very telling. Most people who marry under 25 end up in divorce because they have not lived their lives yet, have not gotten established in their careers, etc. ... and that is your very situation now. And your girlfriend has already given you her answer in where she stands in living abroad.

You may not want want to hear this, but you are not ready for marriage if you are wanting to spread your wings and travel. Btw who is paying for this lavish extensive honeymoon and all this traveling you want to do? You have to think very realistically with your financial plans here.

Go teach for a couple years overseas. You need to get your own life established first before you can commit to anyone.

P.S. ENA was censoring a name of a Japanese city because it resembles the F word?

Why build a life together when its not the life you want?

Love does not guarantee compatibility. If I were you I would not move forward with the engagement, living with parents, and wedding. It is not fair to anyone involved. Neither of you are wrong in wanting what you want.

Love does not guarantee compatibility. If I were you I would not move forward with the engagement, living with parents, and wedding. It is not fair to anyone involved. Neither of you are wrong in wanting what you want.

Couldn't have said it any better.

Love is never enough.