I'm out of my own control

I have posted in the partner type relationship sections before but I realise today that I desperately need help in other aspects of my life.

I'm an out of control mother. I have two kids and I am divorced. I work pretty hard for my children and wish the best for them.

The problem lies in my mood swings and temper. When i lose my uknowwhat, I really lose it. I can't control what comes out of my mouth, whom i offend or how much damage I do to my kids.

When my mood is low, I cant talk myself out of if. Its me against me.

I dont have depression or anxiety. I have anger management issues and im genetically predisposed.

I would like to think i am a good human and i have insight. But

I am tired to losing my battle of self control on a daily bases. I am worn out. I have tried therapy. I am seeing these moods in my older kid too..

Help me. Has anyone out there gotten over something so powerful that it controls ur mind? Has anyone really changed who they are?

I worry i will destroy my kids

I would first make the simple changes -to diet, exercise, rest - drink more water, do cardio every single day for at least 20 minutes (fast walking, etc), cut down on diet or regular sodas. I would refuse 100% to believe it's "genetic" -do not give yourself those kinds of excuses even if there might be a grain of truth. I don't have anger management issues but I've been working very hard on tone, and calming myself down when my young child pushes my buttons -been working on it for 2 years probably but more intensely and in a different way in the last few months (I wasn't a constant yeller but the book Scream Free Parenting, which is misnamed in a way, helped a lot). It is very very hard to turn the focus on yourself so that you do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. The reward will be better behaved and calmer kids because while you're calm you also must show them confidence and leadership -not permissiveness. Calm does not equal permissive. You absolutely have control over what comes out of your mouth -both the word choice and the tone. Once you calm yourself down remember to notice the positive things your kids do -not as a huge celebration but in a calm "good job [fill in the blank with something very specific]. Do not raise your voice just because the first time you say something they do not respond.

And another book - How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.

You might want to talk to a counselor about specific anger management techniques but again -no excuses! No "I was too tired/hangry/genetically predisposed". Do you want your kids to behave like you do and make those excuses?

You can do this.

I recommend the 4-7-8 Weil breathing method, I recommend reading up on Janet Lansbury (she has a web site) and look for Shelly MacDonald's website.

Get therapy if you're verbally abusing your children. No shortcuts.

Sorry to hear this is going on for you. Try not to convince yourself you are a bad person or bad mother.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and nearing a breaking point and the stress management and coping skills could use some tweaking..

Completely agree with other posters about lifestyle management. Taking care of yourself, sleep, exercise, good nutrition and managing your time and kids. Enlist the help of any friends or family or teachers or babysitting/mother groups, etc.

I have two kids and I am divorced. I work pretty hard for my children and wish the best for them. I dont have depression or anxiety. I have anger management issues. I would like to think i am a good human and i have insight.

Sorry to hear this is going on for you. Try not to convince yourself you are a bad person or bad mother.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and nearing a breaking point and the stress management and coping skills could use some tweaking..

 

Completely agree with other posters about lifestyle management. Taking care of yourself, sleep, exercise, good nutrition and managing your time and kids. Enlist the help of any friends or family or teachers or babysitting/mother groups, etc.

I definitely believe in "it takes a village". I would be careful about confiding in teachers about what you wrote since they are required to escalate the situation within the school if they see issues with your children and probably could not keep the discussions private. Definitely talk to the teachers if you are having time management issues with homework, etc - keep it to academic stuff. If the teacher raises a behavioral issue with one of your children, address it that way without bringing in your personal life - and anyway you're going to be working on your personal life, right?

I'd recommend a couple of books, in addition to the other advice you've been given.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham and Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes.

Even if you don't take EVERYTHING to heart that they have to say, I think you can come away with something from both that would help you keep your cool as a mama.

That being said - be sure to cut yourself some slack too. Single parenting is a really rough gig, and it gets to all of us at some point or other. (Those that are going through it, that is.)

Get therapy if you're verbally abusing your children. No shortcuts.

I have been going to therapy. It hasn't helped me so far.

It irks me that therapy never seems to help me.

I would first make the simple changes -to diet, exercise, rest - drink more water, do cardio every single day for at least 20 minutes (fast walking, etc), cut down on diet or regular sodas. I would refuse 100% to believe it's "genetic" -do not give yourself those kinds of excuses even if there might be a grain of truth. I don't have anger management issues but I've been working very hard on tone, and calming myself down when my young child pushes my buttons -been working on it for 2 years probably but more intensely and in a different way in the last few months (I wasn't a constant yeller but the book Scream Free Parenting, which is misnamed in a way, helped a lot). It is very very hard to turn the focus on yourself so that you do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. The reward will be better behaved and calmer kids because while you're calm you also must show them confidence and leadership -not permissiveness. Calm does not equal permissive. You absolutely have control over what comes out of your mouth -both the word choice and the tone. Once you calm yourself down remember to notice the positive things your kids do -not as a huge celebration but in a calm "good job [fill in the blank with something very specific]. Do not raise your voice just because the first time you say something they do not respond.

 

And another book - How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.

 

You might want to talk to a counselor about specific anger management techniques but again -no excuses! No "I was too tired/hangry/genetically predisposed". Do you want your kids to behave like you do and make those excuses?

 

You can do this.

 

I recommend the 4-7-8 Weil breathing method, I recommend reading up on Janet Lansbury (she has a web site) and look for Shelly MacDonald's website.

Thank you for your advice.

I have made a note of the books you recommended; the problem however is being a doctor, I work 5 to 6 days a week and when I come home, any spare time is spent on paperwork, bills, reading up on medical literature etc. I bought a couple of books prior and never read them.

Time is also a big problem with regards to parenting. I work long hours so get very little quality time with my children. Because I am the sole provider and work hospital hours, cutting down on work is not an option. I don't get to nurture them or read with them or cook with them. Its quite abnormal really. The guilt really weighs heavy on me.

I get help from my sister but she too is a little crazy like me; she wants the best for my children too but loses it quicker than I do! She yells and I can often hear her as I drive in.

I am quite healthy in my habits. I exercise, eat well, haven't had sodas in years. The only thing that lacks is sleep. I dont sleep enough.

I am losing my mind. My children are so important to me but I cant fix my life. I cant reduce my hours and I cant not ask my sister for help.

Sorry to hear this is going on for you. Try not to convince yourself you are a bad person or bad mother.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and nearing a breaking point and the stress management and coping skills could use some tweaking..

 

Completely agree with other posters about lifestyle management. Taking care of yourself, sleep, exercise, good nutrition and managing your time and kids. Enlist the help of any friends or family or teachers or babysitting/mother groups, etc.

I do live a healthy life.

Also I do get help from my sister a lot but shes just as hot tempered if not more. She does so much for my children but then goes nuts over little things, yells and raises her voice.

Maybe we are all crazy.

There are many types of therapy. What about friend / family /community support in addition to professional help?

Don't give up!

I grew up with a parent whose temper would flare out of control. Despite knowing we were loved etc. It damaged all of us. You are right to make this a priority.

I too am a single parent who has been through phases of feeling overextended and emotionally reactive. I did get through it.

I would look within for a victim mentality. For a desire to be in control of things that are beyond your control. Or -- this was true for me -- the desire to NOT be in control, and have those things work out the way I wanted even though I wasn't in control of them.

Learning to eliminate the victim mentality was essential. Learning to take more control scared me -- it has turned out to be a freeing exercise, not a burdensome one. To get there I had to make some major paradigm shifts.

I would not have succeeded in therapy. Why? Because having someone else involved would have prevented me from being raw enough to see within myself as deeply as was necessary.

Also, Remember that your therapist can only facilitate the work you are willing and able to do yourself.

Sounds like you have a big decision to make with lifestyle versus your kids. You sound like you are overworked and then don't have much time or patience with your kids, you say you can't cut back on hours but is that really true? Try organising some fun hangout times with your kids and try (I know it's hard) to let go of all stresses and just focus on that time spent with them. Go for a picnic in the park, kick a ball around or just listen to some music together outside somewhere in some nice surroundings, and when that goes arse up and your guys quality time isn't quite going to plan, have a laugh about it together.

All the best.

Sounds like you have a big decision to make with lifestyle versus your kids. You sound like you are overworked and then don't have much time or patience with your kids, you say you can't cut back on hours but is that really true? Try organising some fun hangout times with your kids and try (I know it's hard) to let go of all stresses and just focus on that time spent with them. Go for a picnic in the park, kick a ball around or just listen to some music together outside somewhere in some nice surroundings, and when that goes arse up and your guys quality time isn't quite going to plan, have a laugh about it together.

 

All the best.

I think this is great but I think what's far more important is working on a shift in general from what she describes to an atmosphere and home that is even-keeled/peaceful the majority of the time with the minority being when there are true emergencies or crises where everyone understands "losing it" some. The quality time/fun times makes for great memories but it's the general vibe at home on a daily basis that is what kids absorb/remember. Otherwise it's "we had some really fun times but my [parent] lost it and yelled at us every time she had a bad day which was most days"

No one is "genetically predisposed to anger management issues". it is a learned behavior. Mood swings like you describe COULD be inherited bi-polar disorder - you just never know. Alcoholic parents are sometimes hot and cold like that, too - if your parents were.

I have been going to therapy. It hasn't helped me so far.

 

It irks me that therapy never seems to help me.

You have to "work" it as well. You can't just sit there and talk and expect it to all go away. Are you sure you are asking your therapist things to do as homework? And how long have you gone?

Is there any way you can cut down at work to be more present for the kids? Is there any way others in your life like your close friends, siblings, could be allies to you and agree to take a kid one on one every so once in awhile. Sounds like your kids are also not getting much of you if when you are not working you are always impatient and angry at them. Try hard to find something good about your kids. They really need other adult mentors at this point if you want to save them from following the same pattern of you and your parents of flying off the handle.

My kids are now 11 and 8. Have i already done too much damage??

My kids are now 11 and 8. Have i already done too much damage??

You can recover and redirect with each of them. I am one hundred percent certain of that.

One thing I made myself do for awhile was to make myself say three things for which I am thankful when I woke up and when they went bed, I had my kids do this also. For a phase where anger was tough for all of us, we sang a hymn together before they went to bed. Anything that helped us find peace inside. We bonded to each other. I made them part of my team and they part of mine. Accepted ourselves as works in progress. It gave us all a great deal of security to be bonded to one another.

I grew up with a parent whose temper would flare out of control. Despite knowing we were loved etc. It damaged all of us. You are right to make this a priority.

 

I too am a single parent who has been through phases of feeling overextended and emotionally reactive. I did get through it.

 

 

 

I would look within for a victim mentality. For a desire to be in control of things that are beyond your control. Or -- this was true for me -- the desire to NOT be in control, and have those things work out the way I wanted even though I wasn't in control of them.

 

Learning to eliminate the victim mentality was essential. Learning to take more control scared me -- it has turned out to be a freeing exercise, not a burdensome one. To get there I had to make some major paradigm shifts.

 

I would not have succeeded in therapy. Why? Because having someone else involved would have prevented me from being raw enough to see within myself as deeply as was necessary.

 

Also, Remember that your therapist can only facilitate the work you are willing and able to do yourself.

It seems that you spoke to yourself. What did you do to day to covince change in ur inner self.

I grew up with a parent whose temper would flare out of control. Despite knowing we were loved etc. It damaged all of us. You are right to make this a priority.

 

I too am a single parent who has been through phases of feeling overextended and emotionally reactive. I did get through it.

 

 

 

I would look within for a victim mentality. For a desire to be in control of things that are beyond your control. Or -- this was true for me -- the desire to NOT be in control, and have those things work out the way I wanted even though I wasn't in control of them.

 

Learning to eliminate the victim mentality was essential. Learning to take more control scared me -- it has turned out to be a freeing exercise, not a burdensome one. To get there I had to make some major paradigm shifts.

 

I would not have succeeded in therapy. Why? Because having someone else involved would have prevented me from being raw enough to see within myself as deeply as was necessary.

 

Also, Remember that your therapist can only facilitate the work you are willing and able to do yourself.

It seems that you spoke to yourself. What did you do and say to covince change in ur inner self.

It seems that you spoke to yourself. What did you do and say to covince change in ur inner self.

I come up with mantras that work for me and that focus on calming myself down -it has to be something that works for you personally, that gets you to pause before speaking, pause before venting even in a non-verbal/non-physical way. It's not about a light switch convincing -it's a process over a long period of time that you must remain 100% committed to -no excuses whether it's genetic, hunger, sleep deprivation, bad day. It's a process for which you'll often get no credit and then if you slip a little you'll get criticized. The "reward" is you'll see over time your kids calm down too, appreciate your calm, confident leadership, your firm tone that is devoid of that level of tension/irritation or hostility. But there's often no instant gratification and you might feel "fake" because you're being too calm/centered - do not do "sweet" in your tone or overly cheer leader unless the circumstance really justifies it - it's about calm/centered/and also about leadership, not being permissive.

I highly recommend watching supernanny youtube videos even those involving kids younger than yours. That helps too to get the tone right.

Self-talk is crucial. I know you asked ITIC but I'm going through this process too, right now. So hard sometimes. So totally worth it.

I mostly brought my son up on my own. Fortunately, I was a full-time mature-aged student when he was the ages of your children. I did find it stressful though,mand he was often a challenging child. I will say though that we used to live the school holidays as we used to do a lot of fun things together, but then from age 11, mostly he was off with his friends and Si missed those times. We used to go bike riding together at night which I found de-stressing and fun. I regret that I didn't enjoy him more than I did because it sounds so cliched, but it's true - before you know it they are grown up with their own lives. I regret other things I spent time on when he was growing up. Sometimes, I have wondered what it could be like, if I could have him again for a day as a child.

I think, try and think of things you have done together or would like to do together and just enjoy your kids. All the best.

It seems that you spoke to yourself. What did you do and say to covince change in ur inner self.

There are so many ways to answer your question! Many things I tell myself, and told myself then. Bullet pointing some of them, below. You will see paragraphs: phrases within those paragraphs represented that whole theme. Grouped by topic.

- I chose this. I fought for this privilege. I fought for the right to raise them as I choose. I chose to have this much on my plate at once, to carry these expenses. This is my choice and my privilege. I chose this responsibility, because with it I get the privilege of shaping them as I choose. This is my dream. I am living the dream.

- I chose to marry him. It was the wrong choice, but it was my choice. I know why I chose it and I understand it, and that choice is in my past. I forgive myself and in fact am grateful for that choice. It was the mistake I needed to make to get to where I am now. I am becoming me, more and more becoming who I want to and am meant to be. My choices - however challenging - were the best path I could find to get to where I am going.

- Anger may be warranted. It may be fair. It may be just. Even so, anger - if I choose it - defines me. Becomes a part of me. Is that who I want to be? No. Therefore, I must let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Everyone is flawed. Sometimes, it hurts. That's okay. I can do this, so I don't need to hold onto that.

- I am transparent. My children see me, completely. If I am to teach them love and peace and hope and faith, I must embody those things, inside out. I must embrace their father for who he is, accept who he is not, and free myself from anger judgment and resentment of him.

- In time, truth rises to the surface. When they seem to favor him and bring their anger to me, it is a pledge from them of their trust in me. Their faith that I can help them heal. Their intimacy with me. I must be open and kind; if I too am angry, who will trach them love? In time, my reward will be in my relationship with them. Trust in that.

- They see that people who love each other can leave each other. Quite logically they wonder, will I leave them? Let them test me. See their tests as logical, tools they are using to test whether they are safe. Be their safety net.

-Be firm. Stick to my rules, because they are a function of how I care for them. They are facts, not emotions. Mynrulesnare mynown. Other people have different rules. That's okay. My children will learn different strengths as they learn to navigate these different environments. Trust in them.

- I cannot control anyone. Not their father. Not my children. I cannot control anyone but myself. I do not seek to control my children, rather, to give them tools so that they may direct themselves. When they are out of control, find more tools. When I am out of control, use my tools. They may be the same tools.

- I have what I need. I can do this. Each year, I will be more secure than the year before. Year by year, we will build on our strengths.

There are so many ways to answer your question! Many things I tell myself, and told myself then. Bullet pointing some of them, below. You will see paragraphs: phrases within those paragraphs represented that whole theme. Grouped by topic.

 

- I chose this. I fought for this privilege. I fought for the right to raise them as I choose. I chose to have this much on my plate at once, to carry these expenses. This is my choice and my privilege. I chose this responsibility, because with it I get the privilege of shaping them as I choose. This is my dream. I am living the dream.

 

- I chose to marry him. It was the wrong choice, but it was my choice. I know why I chose it and I understand it, and that choice is in my past. I forgive myself and in fact am grateful for that choice. It was the mistake I needed to make to get to where I am now. I am becoming me, more and more becoming who I want to and am meant to be. My choices - however challenging - were the best path I could find to get to where I am going.

 

- Anger may be warranted. It may be fair. It may be just. Even so, anger - if I choose it - defines me. Becomes a part of me. Is that who I want to be? No. Therefore, I must let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Everyone is flawed. Sometimes, it hurts. That's okay. I can do this, so I don't need to hold onto that.

 

- I am transparent. My children see me, completely. If I am to teach them love and peace and hope and faith, I must embody those things, inside out. I must embrace their father for who he is, accept who he is not, and free myself from anger judgment and resentment of him.

 

- In time, truth rises to the surface. When they seem to favor him and bring their anger to me, it is a pledge from them of their trust in me. Their faith that I can help them heal. Their intimacy with me. I must be open and kind; if I too am angry, who will trach them love? In time, my reward will be in my relationship with them. Trust in that.

 

- They see that people who love each other can leave each other. Quite logically they wonder, will I leave them? Let them test me. See their tests as logical, tools they are using to test whether they are safe. Be their safety net.

 

-Be firm. Stick to my rules, because they are a function of how I care for them. They are facts, not emotions. Mynrulesnare mynown. Other people have different rules. That's okay. My children will learn different strengths as they learn to navigate these different environments. Trust in them.

 

- I cannot control anyone. Not their father. Not my children. I cannot control anyone but myself. I do not seek to control my children, rather, to give them tools so that they may direct themselves. When they are out of control, find more tools. When I am out of control, use my tools. They may be the same tools.

 

- I have what I need. I can do this. Each year, I will be more secure than the year before. Year by year, we will build on our strengths.

Your words seem to tell my story! Its funny how so many people travel the same road, make the same decisions and suffer the exact same way.

Thank you.

I will remember ur advice.

There are many different kinds of therapy. Are you specifically going for anger management? Or just general therapy? If one therapist doesn't work, you should keep trying, and if that takes several therapists, then that's what you do. You owe it to your children to get these issues sorted out as a lot of damage has probably been done already and the sooner it gets sorted out, the better for all of you.

Your words seem to tell my story! Its funny how so many people travel the same road, make the same decisions and suffer the exact same way.

 

 

Thank you.

 

I will remember ur advice.

Thank you. Its lovely to find community around this.

I tell you, I am grateful this week for the efforts I made at getting peaceful inside. I have learned they are directing money to her kid at the expense of our kid. Not getting into detail, and I expected this to happen eventually. Now that it has, I feel quite level headed. I know the info, I know how I will negotiate. However it turns out, it doesn't matter. I will negotiate; I will be strategic. That is the best I can do.

Its a mental event, not a physical one. The lessons have changed me for the better, in a lasting way.