My boyfriend is a flirt when I'm not around. But he doesn't consider it flirting

Hi!

So I'm experiencing some relationship issues with my boyfriend. I'm 23 and he's 26 and he's in the Army National Guard. He flirts continuously with other women while he's at drill. It's happened before in the past and it still doesn't seem to be resolved. When I had access to his phone more often I would find things then. But this is the first time in a long time I've been through his phone. He always turns it face down at dinner. And I just get skeptical...

Nevertheless, he doesn't consider it flirting because he's a very sociable person so he considers it "being friendly."

The referenced texts messages are linked below as images.

He claims I worry too much which I do but my instincts are usually right. When he's at drill it's like he's a whole other person and I don't know what to do. I can't trust him when he goes drill and that's pretty sad. When he's there he sends me like crappy one-worded texts and it's not about being busy because they have a lot of downtime he's always somewhere to eat or on Facebook or texting others. When he's at drill he claims to go to bed because he's so tired then I find out the next day that he was drinking friends. (He's always tired back home and goes to bed at 7PM usually when we do stuff we don't stay out any later than 10PM). I feel like I'll never be enough. He has enough female friends to fill a football field. This is only one of many... I have never heard of him talking to this girl before at drill so she must be sort of new. Anyway, he calls one of his best friends love, if that isn't weird enough. He wants me to trust him and gets mad when I don't but he hasn't really given me anything to trust. I told him about it but not how I knew and he laughed and said "it's called be friendly and she is not a threat, but ok." He literally doesn't see anything wrong with it as if I'm overreacting. He never cuts any of these women off because he feels like he's losing friends I guess. He tells me he does but he is still secretly friends with these chicks behind my back. Pretty much all of the female friends he has are single.

I just need to know if I'm overreacting and what I should do. Thank you!

You're posting pictures of his private conversations for the entire internet to read, even if he was at fault, you shouldn't be doing that, truthfully.

Secondly, I do see in the conversations that he has poor boundaries, yes.

But you two don't seem to have good communication or a good connection. I think you're incompatible because of your lack of trust and him pushing boundaries with other women.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him it's not working.

You don't trust him, and he does not respect you. His attention-seeking and ego are his priority. This will not change.

Either you accept this, or find someone who respects you.

Again, I'm fully with SherrySher and Hollyj.

OP, given the history you present, I'm not sure that any neutral third party is going to be able to suggest a yea or a nay on his behavior and definitively if it constitutes cheating. What matters is that you are feeling unhappy and uncomfortable with it.

It sounds like this relationship may have run its course, regardless. There seem to be many issues here than this concern at his conduct with other women.

I'm sorry - I wish I had a more positive perception. I wish you luck.

OP, first off, if a girl got into my phone and posted private texts between me and anyone else online for the world to see, she'd be gone. I don't care what your reasons are and I don't care how big of a douche nozzle your boyfriend may be, you violated his privacy and the privacy of whoever he was talking to and that is NOT OK.

All right, now that this is out of the way, let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just friends with these women and there's nothing going on for a minute. When does friendly become flirty? Is it OK to flirt a little if you're in a relationship and, if so, how much is too much? When does it cross the line? Is flirting harmless or is it a slippery slope to cheating? Or is it a sort of light form of cheating itself?

There are no black and white answers and everyone has their own thresholds. Me, I'm of the school that if you're in a relationship flirting tends to send the wrong message and isn't terribly respectful of your partner. Some people are just naturally very flirtatious, it's how they go through life interacting with members if the opposite sex, and they don't even realize they are doing it half the time. But when in a relationship, they should make an effort to at least tone it down.

At any rate, he has shown that he us unwilling or unable to adjust his behavior in a way that works for you. So I guess you either have to accept it--I don't recommend that--or move on.

This is who he is. He is not going to change or stop being himself. If who he is not working for you, your only option is to end the relationship and find someone who is more aligned with you and more compatible.

Don't choose to live with constant stress, fear and suspicion that you are being cheated on. Whether you are or are not, doesn't even matter. What matters is that you are living in constant stress and misery over the suspicions and lack of trust. When you don't feel good about the relationship and you don't like how he treats you, you dump him and find better for yourself. You are not going to change him and reading his messages does nothing for you. He has already told you he is not going to change who he is and how he interacts with others.

How long have you been dating? Are there other issues regarding his "friendliness" or that he goes away on drills?

Do you live together? It sounds like the relationship has problems overall, no?

Why are you going through his phone? Why can't you trust him? Were you cheated on in the past or do you think he's hooking up or is it all the female friends?

I'm 23 and he's 26 and he's in the Army National Guard. this is the first time in a long time I've been through his phone. I can't trust him when he goes drill and that's pretty sad. I feel like I'll never be enough. "it's called be friendly and she is not a threat, but ok."