Healing from childhood traumas - any advice?

Hi guys, I think I am pretty normal and healthy person, however I do have issues with attachment and commitment, and I am very reactive. In relationships my first reaction is always cut the ties and leave, and reject. If I can't cut easily the ties - as was with my husband- I cut him off emotionally completely, and that's how we lived for many years. After divorce I had a co-dependent relationship where we engaged in damaging cycles of withdrawal and being passive aggressive.

 

At the present stage I am dating, and already experience the well knows signs of wanting to run and replace the guy, being hurt easily, unable to be vulnerable other than very occasionally, and hence not able to connect deeply. And I want to heal from this baggage, and to be normal person who can be vulnerable and secure. The question is how to best start the healing process. I did try therapy a couple times, but it just didn't work for me. Either too intellectual or too something. Maybe I just didn't meet the right therapist, who's both compassionate and intellectual.

 

Any ideas, advice or recommendations, I'd be very grateful.

I would keep trying to find the right therapist. You could also google self help books that deal with being unable to commit.

 

Lisa

When you say you tried therapy a couple of times, does that mean that you've had two long-term periods of being in therapy, or have only had a couple of sessions?

 

There are many different kinds of therapy, not all of which are talking therapies. Also be aware that the same issues which cause you problems with being vulnerable in relationships, will also come to the surface in therapeutic situations, and it will take a long time for you to open up and trust a therapist enough to do the real work. Even without these issues, it takes at least six weeks to embrace a new way of thinking, so don't be too worried if things are taking their time.

 

The kind of issues you describe are typical of insecure attachment styles, but there is such a thing as "earned security" where being able to rely on your therapist will go a long way towards healing the gaps left by your parents/caregivers.

 

Years back, when I decided to go into therapy, it took me over three months to find someone that I felt instinctively would understand me - and it was time well spent. So take your time, contact as many people as you like, and talk to them about how their particular model of therapy operates. This is partly to see if it chimes with you, and also to see if THEY chime with you personality-wise. This is as important, if not more so, than the therapy itself.

 

You might also find it useful to educate yourself about attachment styles, if you haven't done so already. There are plenty of online resources for this.

 

Good luck!

Dating/relationships often brings up old unresolved issues as you have experienced. But now that you are onto something it's probably a good idea to

take a break from dating and address them.

I would keep trying therapy.

I have gone back and forth over the years and learn something different and new about myself all the time.

I've read a ton of books on personal development that applied to me in the moments in between. That helped just as much or maybe more.

 

Sometimes it's all in the timing and there are occasions you are more open to being objective about yourself.

You are onto something here. Maybe this is your time.

 

Exercise your issues alone or in therapy. Don't do it while dating people you barely know.

It doesn't sounds like deep seated problems. For example you got married it got sour and you got out. Then you had a bad relationship, recognized it and got out. The key is knowing where that sweet spot is between sticking it out and dragging it out.

 

Dragging it out such as what you described sounds more like over-attachment, not commitment issues. Fear of being alone, not fear of vulnerability. With dating too the key is knowing when to cut your losses and knowing when you're just chasing infatuation.

Maybe I just didn't meet the right therapist, who's both compassionate and intellectual.

I'm curious about this.

 

What, in your mind, makes your previous therapists not "compassionate" enough?

 

While I know they're different fields, so I often relate having done physical training with emotional / mental training. More specifically, physically or mentally, you can't help someone who doesn't genuinely it. There's much more to that genuine desire than simply scheduling an appointment. Dealing with harsher realities comes with the territory. Particularly if you're UK, professional therapists aren't going to have a caseload that affords them time to coddle folk.

 

I don't know your history nor am I really asking for it, so forgive me if I'm off base with that. But at the end of the day, if you experienced some heavy drama as a child you haven't been able to come to grips with as an adult, it's best to shop for therapists and find the one who works for you, provided you have the motivation for therapy.

firstly, well done for being reflective and honest about yourself and what you need or want to change about yourself, this is a bigger step than you may realise.

 

I too have thought that i have these 'major' issues with how i relate in relationships but im beginning to accept that the majority of us have some insecure attachment styles because to love someone involves allowing ourselves to be vulnerable..and thats scary, because we have to let go of control, or the illusion of control.

 

so i would say first accept that yes you are normal. second think about it slightly differently. not that you must change yourself because you are somehow flawed, but instead that you want to use this time to become the best version of yourself.

 

everyone always says that you need to be happy with yourself first before you can be happy in a relationship, and as much as i hate clichés, this is so true. so my advice is this...

 

1. begin by accepting that your past was what it was, and you have learnt some good or bad things from it that have helped shape who you are today.

2. identify some things you would like to improve so that you can be the best version of yourself...this might be inner things like being kinder, or less clingy, or happier, or less angry etc. but can also be outside things like changing how you look physically, or getting fitter.

3. pick one or two things and keep it quite small, you are on a journey to improve certain parts of yourself and it isnt going to happen overnight. allow yourself time to do this.

4. being single is a great time to do this because you have more time and your mind wont be cluttered by thinking about someone elses needs, you can be more selfish with your time. but if youre in a relationship, just make sure you allow yourself enough time to spend time alone, as you will need this to be able to get to know yourself and have time to work on making changes.

5. once you've identified what you need/want to change google it, read, listen, watch videos, make it your new hobby. we spend time doing up cars, buying new parts etc, think of 'you' as your new project that you are 'doing up' and making better.

6. gradually you should begin to learn more about yourself, you will begin to identify why you feel the way you do in situations and from there you can decide how you want to begin to act differently in the future.

7. if you still repeat old patterns, try not to get frustrated with yourself and accept that when youve been reacting a certain way to things your whole life those patterns become a habit and changing habits takes time and patience... remember we learn by our mistakes not our successes...so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to just try again next time.

8. gradually you will begin to see that the only thing you can control is your own mind and your own behaviours and how you perceive and react to situations. You are able to make changes in yourself and each change, no matter how small will be another step in becoming the person you want to be.

9. accept and forgive yourself for not being perfect and congratulate yourself on wanting to try and make yourself a better version of you.

10. once you have made changes in one area, pick another and keep going.

 

 

Good luck 😊

When you say you tried therapy a couple of times, does that mean that you've had two long-term periods of being in therapy, or have only had a couple of sessions?

 

There are many different kinds of therapy, not all of which are talking therapies. Also be aware that the same issues which cause you problems with being vulnerable in relationships, will also come to the surface in therapeutic situations, and it will take a long time for you to open up and trust a therapist enough to do the real work. Even without these issues, it takes at least six weeks to embrace a new way of thinking, so don't be too worried if things are taking their time.

 

The kind of issues you describe are typical of insecure attachment styles, but there is such a thing as "earned security" where being able to rely on your therapist will go a long way towards healing the gaps left by your parents/caregivers.

 

Years back, when I decided to go into therapy, it took me over three months to find someone that I felt instinctively would understand me - and it was time well spent. So take your time, contact as many people as you like, and talk to them about how their particular model of therapy operates. This is partly to see if it chimes with you, and also to see if THEY chime with you personality-wise. This is as important, if not more so, than the therapy itself.

 

You might also find it useful to educate yourself about attachment styles, if you haven't done so already. There are plenty of online resources for this.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you soo much everybody for your replies! You are such a wonderfully supportive lot! So here are the missing bits of info some of you asked about.

 

I had several sessions with one therapist who was very intellectual and not compassionate enough. Great as it was to her occasional insights, it just didn't do anything to me. Another one was forgetful - I tell her details of my intricate life story, and right away she mixes them up, can't see that B followed A. Another one - child therapist - was quite good but what I felt is that she is too sad and too traumatised herself. Still or because she works with children and feel their pain on a daily basis, I can't tell. Just talking to her filled me with sadness and pity for myself and everybody. And I'm much more goals and growth oriented person.

And of course, working with a therapist is such a lengthy process.

 

Instead I did two things: accidentally got some healing through a break up tape by a now famous therapist. And yet more by listening to Marianne Williamson and Byron Katie talk about what love is. I need to go back to those books.

 

Extent of trauma pretty bad. My mother, the only parent I had, was abusuve, herself deeply traumatised. She brought me to an orphanage age 5, threatening to leave me there. Her mood swings and stonewalling me weeks on end as a child. Her suicide attempts while I was at home and blaming me that she was doing it because I was unbearable.. And a milder stuff in between like telling me I am a mediocrity and a monster.

 

From the assessment I got it's a first grade trauma, whatever they call it.

firstly, well done for being reflective and honest about yourself and what you need or want to change about yourself, this is a bigger step than you may realise.

 

I too have thought that i have these 'major' issues with how i relate in relationships but im beginning to accept that the majority of us have some insecure attachment styles because to love someone involves allowing ourselves to be vulnerable..and thats scary, because we have to let go of control, or the illusion of control.

 

so i would say first accept that yes you are normal. second think about it slightly differently. not that you must change yourself because you are somehow flawed, but instead that you want to use this time to become the best version of yourself.

 

everyone always says that you need to be happy with yourself first before you can be happy in a relationship, and as much as i hate clichés, this is so true. so my advice is this...

 

1. begin by accepting that your past was what it was, and you have learnt some good or bad things from it that have helped shape who you are today.

2. identify some things you would like to improve so that you can be the best version of yourself...this might be inner things like being kinder, or less clingy, or happier, or less angry etc. but can also be outside things like changing how you look physically, or getting fitter.

3. pick one or two things and keep it quite small, you are on a journey to improve certain parts of yourself and it isnt going to happen overnight. allow yourself time to do this.

4. being single is a great time to do this because you have more time and your mind wont be cluttered by thinking about someone elses needs, you can be more selfish with your time. but if youre in a relationship, just make sure you allow yourself enough time to spend time alone, as you will need this to be able to get to know yourself and have time to work on making changes.

5. once you've identified what you need/want to change google it, read, listen, watch videos, make it your new hobby. we spend time doing up cars, buying new parts etc, think of 'you' as your new project that you are 'doing up' and making better.

6. gradually you should begin to learn more about yourself, you will begin to identify why you feel the way you do in situations and from there you can decide how you want to begin to act differently in the future.

7. if you still repeat old patterns, try not to get frustrated with yourself and accept that when youve been reacting a certain way to things your whole life those patterns become a habit and changing habits takes time and patience... remember we learn by our mistakes not our successes...so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to just try again next time.

8. gradually you will begin to see that the only thing you can control is your own mind and your own behaviours and how you perceive and react to situations. You are able to make changes in yourself and each change, no matter how small will be another step in becoming the person you want to be.

9. accept and forgive yourself for not being perfect and congratulate yourself on wanting to try and make yourself a better version of you.

10. once you have made changes in one area, pick another and keep going.

 

 

Good luck 😊

 

Thanks a lot for taking your time to write such an extensive post! I found here such a supportive group.

 

I agree that it is one aspect at a time, and with your general approach. It seems that mine is such a cornucopia of everything that isolating just one aspect, doesn't seem to do more than scratch surface. I will think about it some more, and how to do it like an engineer. Marianne Williamson says that all our problems, however diverse, stem from one source - choosing fear over love. That makes a lot of sense to me. When we choose love, in all the variations and modalities it exists - patience, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness etc - over fear and modalities in which it exists - negativity, criticism, fear of rejection etc. - it solves all our problems at the root. I think Byron's Katie has got a more practical, everyday methodology to it. It all is pretty simple in the end. What is difficult is to choose that consistently in the moments of stress and rush of our every day lives. I plan to revisit those books these days.

Dating/relationships often brings up old unresolved issues as you have experienced. But now that you are onto something it's probably a good idea to

take a break from dating and address them.

I would keep trying therapy.

I have gone back and forth over the years and learn something different and new about myself all the time.

I've read a ton of books on personal development that applied to me in the moments in between. That helped just as much or maybe more.

 

Sometimes it's all in the timing and there are occasions you are more open to being objective about yourself.

You are onto something here. Maybe this is your time.

 

Exercise your issues alone or in therapy. Don't do it while dating people you barely know.

 

You are so right - dating does bring out all these unresolved issues. Ouch! And I've been distracted greatly recently reflecting on my issues and how they get triggered by the guys I am dating. On the other hand my view is that it's better to square them now for there's immediacy and urgency. Unlike when we are single when we put them in the back burner. My only problem that it takes away time from thinking about work.

 

And thing is I really like some of the guys I met lately, and don't want to walk away. What I understand is that I just need to start showing up as a best version of myself when I am with them. And be vulnerable and open even if I am scared to expose myself. The main point being is that there'll be natural attrition with the incompatible lot, and I should take it with stride and understanding. That's the theory, let's see how I'll do it in practice.

I did try therapy a couple times, but it just didn't work for me. Either too intellectual or too something. Maybe I just didn't meet the right therapist, who's both compassionate and intellectual.

 

What does trying a couple times mean? One or two sessions? Long periods with 2 therapists? What made you decide that it didn't work?

 

Therapy isn't like a car wash where we go in filthy and come out shiny and cleansed, it's work. Not just in the sessions--those become more of an accountability report on your own work outside of the room.

 

I'd also be careful about ditching therapists in the same way you want to ditch relationships. While it's uncomfortable to get real and deep with another, that's exactly what you're paying to learn how to do. So either go back to one of the therapists with whom you've already developed a working relationship, or find a new one, but use the experience to learn HOW to discuss the things that "don't work" for you. Allow the therapist to hear you and to either explain how you are (or are not) making progress--and why.

 

Therapy feels lousy at times because it scratches open the stuff you're stuffing. Usually the times you reject your therapy the most are the times when it's actually working the most--and you're the one who needs to adopt resilience.

 

Head high, and give us more information.

What does trying a couple times mean? One or two sessions? Long periods with 2 therapists? What made you decide that it didn't work?

 

Therapy isn't like a car wash where we go in filthy and come out shiny and cleansed, it's work. Not just in the sessions--those become more of an accountability report on your own work outside of the room.

 

I'd also be careful about ditching therapists in the same way you want to ditch relationships. While it's uncomfortable to get real and deep with another, that's exactly what you're paying to learn how to do. So either go back to one of the therapists with whom you've already developed a working relationship, or find a new one, but use the experience to learn HOW to discuss the things that "don't work" for you. Allow the therapist to hear you and to either explain how you are (or are not) making progress--and why.

 

Therapy feels lousy at times because it scratches open the stuff you're stuffing. Usually the times you reject your therapy the most are the times when it's actually working the most--and you're the one who needs to adopt resilience.

 

Head high, and give us more information.

 

I know, it's the same question Jman asked, and I have provided detailed answers in the consequent posts.

The great healer is compassion and understanding, not forgiveness. When you view her as a flawed, broken person perhaps with mood or mental disorders she becomes a human not a monster. That is a frightened child's view, not an adult's view with the benefits of wisdom and hindsight.

 

Also you can't carry this around, it will weight you down. Running from therapist to therapist to repeatedly unearth this won't necessarily fix anything.

 

Additionally modern therapy is modeled on evidence-based results. It is about the current situation, coping skills, distortions and reframing things into a healthier perspective. It is not about the Freudian childhood trauma model abandoned almost 50 yrs ago.

It seems that mine is such a cornucopia of everything that isolating just one aspect, doesn't seem to do more than scratch surface.

What does trying a couple times mean? One or two sessions? Long periods with 2 therapists? What made you decide that it didn't work?

 

Therapy isn't like a car wash where we go in filthy and come out shiny and cleansed, it's work. Not just in the sessions--those become more of an accountability report on your own work outside of the room.

 

I'd also be careful about ditching therapists in the same way you want to ditch relationships. While it's uncomfortable to get real and deep with another, that's exactly what you're paying to learn how to do. So either go back to one of the therapists with whom you've already developed a working relationship, or find a new one, but use the experience to learn HOW to discuss the things that "don't work" for you. Allow the therapist to hear you and to either explain how you are (or are not) making progress--and why.

 

Therapy feels lousy at times because it scratches open the stuff you're stuffing. Usually the times you reject your therapy the most are the times when it's actually working the most--and you're the one who needs to adopt resilience.

 

Head high, and give us more information.

 

Thanks for your reply and encouragement. So, no, I had about six-seven sessions with one therapist, the intellectual one, but I didn't feel there was any progress.

Before I got to her I had one trial session with the forgetful one. And later on when my older son needed therapy, aged 10, I had to see his therapist a few times so that she formed an opinion of his background. She is really kind, but firstly she's a child therapist, secondly, seems to have permanently sad eyes. I don't want anyone to pity me and say what a helluva lot of stuff I have of my shoulders. I know it myself.

 

The real reason I didn't continue therapy and am a successful, self-made and self-confident person is that I try to find answers to the big problems myself, and don't expect anyone to find them for me, including a therapist. Once I stumbled upon an analytical test in the 16th Laws of Success. Some 30 questions beautifully put together. Gosh, this was a miracle. I spent two days answering the questions and digging inside myself, and then I saw it all, laid out to me beautifully and clearly. The revelation that I had about myself was deeper than I ever had. Just in two days. And from then on i never felt a need for a therapist or anyone to show me the way. Then another piece of luck - very traumatic break - and I stumbled upon a break up tape. The healing that I got from the tape was profound and stretching far beyond that particular relationship break up. Without this tape though, with the kind of baggage I had, I would have never extricated myself from that relationship. So I was weak. And the last one - concurrently - was Return to Love by Marrianne Williamson. That book made me weep buckets more and delve into who I was and what was my path, and so on, and this was my return to God. Raised in semi- atheism by my engineer mum and Cartesian spirit at school, I never thought about nor needed God.

 

The people I've been with, my ex husband, friends, my children, leave alone the guys I am dating, have no clue of what sort of childhood I had, they see me as a normal, in no way damaged person. Only a couple very close friends know. And you guys. I don't see the need to tell anybody. I feel great and act normal, and I've forgiven my mum long time ago. We even became quite close with the birth of the second child. My kids, not knowing the story, tell me that they find her extremely weird, and never want to spend time with her. She is very lonely.

 

This is the path I have followed so far, and it has worked wonders for me. I will stay on it to clear my remaining attachment problems. To each their own, I suppose.

So, no, I had about six-seven sessions with one therapist, the intellectual one, but I didn't feel there was any progress.

You wouldn't realistically be expecting to see any progress with only six-seven sessions - at least certainly not for deep-seated issues! Of course, you may have decided that this was someone you couldn't open up to anyway, but be aware that the factors which make you pull away from partners will also predispose you to pull away from therapists, too... especially when you start to nibble at the edges of the real issues.