I'm moving out (finally!) and nervous about letting my parents know.

I am 27 female living at home with my parents and in 6 weeks time planning to move out. I know it is about time. However, my parents don't know yet and I'm nervous to tell them. My parents have always been very involved in my life and have never wanted me to leave home.

My own personal reasons for not leaving earlier is because I love my dog too much and I've just wanted to save money and spend it all on travelling.

Well, it's come to a point now that i feel ready to cut back on my extravagant lifestyle in exchange for having the freedom away from my parents. I own a studio flat and renting it out, and i'm planning to rent somewhere bigger that has two bedrooms and a garden for my dog and share with a flatmate.

Is there any sensitive or good way to tell my parents about this...I'm so worried. I think they expected me to stay at home until I marry. But i really want to feel independent outside of my family environment before I do that and I know I'll regret it if I don't take this step.

Also: I wonder if it's a mistake to go for a male flatmate - would it be harder to explain to my parents?

And another thing I wondered: would a flatmate of the opposite sex make dating awkward? Anyone have experiencing of sharing with the same or opposite gender flatmate and have any advice on this particular?

I ask because one of my friends has recommended a guy she knows to me who is keen on the apartment and also looking to move.

Any advice appreciated!

When your plans are final and you are ready to move just tell them it's time to be on your own. But first find a place, sign a lease and have a move in date. "Planning" is not doing, no need to bring up something that doesn't exist yet. Do you need permission?

i'm planning

It sounds like your parents will be sad their bird is flying away from the nest, but at 27, your wings are plenty strong to handle it.

Take them out for dinner and let them know you are confident in the decision and fully ready to move on.

Moving in with a male flatmate would be cool for some and not for more conservative parents. You'll have to decide if they would be cool with that.

You could also find a female to share with, there should be lots looking even though it may not be within your circle of friends.

When your plans are final and you are ready to move just tell them it's time to be on your own. But first find a place, sign a lease and have a move in date. "Planning" is not doing, no need to bring up something that doesn't exist yet. Do you need permission?

I've signed the lease and paid the deposit! The last step is to actually go there...my tenancy starts in 6 weeks. In the meantime, I've been thinking of ways to let them know. Perhaps writing a letter first?? I don't need "permission" per say, but it will break their hearts and they will find it difficult to understand that I'll want to spend around £1k per month on rent when i can live for free (their logic) and that we can all be 'friends'.

It sounds like your parents will be sad their bird is flying away from the nest, but at 27, your wings are plenty strong to handle it.

Take them out for dinner and let them know you are confident in the decision and fully ready to move on.

 

Moving in with a male flatmate would be cool for some and not for more conservative parents. You'll have to decide if they would be cool with that.

You could also find a female to share with, there should be lots looking even though it may not be within your circle of friends.

Thanks! I just thought someone who is in my circle of friends is safer / more trustworthy, but I'm sure there are loads of girls I can find on spare room. I just wondered as well if having a male would make my dating life awkward?

I'm meeting this male for a coffee tomorrow anyway to see if we will get along.

Moving out is great. Getting a male roommate is a very very bad idea. This isn't about how it would look to your parents, this is about how quickly things can become very awkward and bad for you. Especially when you have zero experience living on your own and navigating roommates.

When picking a roommate, do not focus on friendship, focus on living compatibility. Meaning that you two have matching levels of cleanliness, food habits, i.e. do not want to combine a meat eater with a militant vegan under the same roof, pets and pet care, visitors and friends. For example you both love friends over all the time, it's a constant open house and a party every weekend or you both prefer privacy and socialize elsewhere with only occasionally inviting people over. Things like TV and music habits, etc.

You both have to be on the same page about a lot things and essentially agree to house rules in order to live happily and peacefully together.

Roommates can be great, but the wrong roommates can be an absolute nightmare. I have seen plenty of bff's no longer on speaking terms shortly after rooming together because they quickly discover that their living habits are not compatible at all despite the friendship.

Honestly, if you can, live solo. If you must have a roommate, try roommate matching services. They do a pretty good job of matching people based on the above type living criteria.

As for telling your parents, if they are going to give you a hard time over it, then maybe have a place, have everything lined up and only then tell them that you are moving out and when. Until then, all you have is a plan and that can go sideways.

You're 27; who you share your flat with is none of your parents' business. If you were holding orgies in there it would still be none of their business.

In fact, much better a guy who comes with a personal recommendation than a total stranger. Let them know that you will feel safer with a man around the place.

Moving out is great. Getting a male roommate is a very very bad idea. This isn't about how it would look to your parents, this is about how quickly things can become very awkward and bad for you. Especially when you have zero experience living on your own and navigating roommates.

 

When picking a roommate, do not focus on friendship, focus on living compatibility. Meaning that you two have matching levels of cleanliness, food habits, i.e. do not want to combine a meat eater with a militant vegan under the same roof, pets and pet care, visitors and friends. For example you both love friends over all the time, it's a constant open house and a party every weekend or you both prefer privacy and socialize elsewhere with only occasionally inviting people over. Things like TV and music habits, etc.

You both have to be on the same page about a lot things and essentially agree to house rules in order to live happily and peacefully together.

 

Roommates can be great, but the wrong roommates can be an absolute nightmare. I have seen plenty of bff's no longer on speaking terms shortly after rooming together because they quickly discover that their living habits are not compatible at all despite the friendship.

 

Honestly, if you can, live solo. If you must have a roommate, try roommate matching services. They do a pretty good job of matching people based on the above type living criteria.

 

As for telling your parents, if they are going to give you a hard time over it, then maybe have a place, have everything lined up and only then tell them that you are moving out and when. Until then, all you have is a plan and that can go sideways.

Thanks a lot that's super helpful. I would prefer to live alone, it's just in the area that i want its super expensive whereas sharing makes it easier to live somewhere I really like. Another idea I had: I was considering of maybe just occasionally renting out the second bedroom like on air bnb or something for short lets? So that i feel like the place is actually mine and i don't have to compromise 'house rules' as much... what do you think? The second bedroom is ensuite.

Excellent. Congrats! Tell them in person and keep it simple, unemotional and drama free. Simply "it's time for me to take on adult responsibilities and be on my own. I'll visit often and invite you over." (to reassure them).

I've signed the lease and paid the deposit! The last step is to actually go there...my tenancy starts in 6 weeks.

I have no idea cause the only time I had room mates was in college. I hated it specially for dating. Id say if there going to only be renting a room. That means sharing common areas it might be awkward. Not so much that there a guy but cause they are another person in your space. Good luck

Great point about roommates and dating.

I have no idea cause the only time I had room mates was in college. I hated it specially for dating. That means sharing common areas it might be awkward. Not so much that there a guy but cause they are another person in your space.

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Is the guy you're dating now OK with you having a male roommate?

Your parents may express disappointment, but trust me, they'll get over it. Just tell them having your own place makes you happy. I'm sure they want you to be happy, right?

For me, my kids' happiness always take priority over my own.

I had a female roommate. I met my current girlfriend of 3+ years while living with that female roommate. I'm fortunate my girlfriend is a secure lady and didn't think anything of it. But, yes, I would suspect your dating options will be limited by the fact you live with a man.

Personally, I was 27 and she was 21, so there was no way I'd find myself sexually attracted to her in any way. I tend to put women at that age into "little sister" territory once I get to know them. Additionally, I'm a stickler for boundaries, so workplace or roommates, it's simply not going to happen. How well you can deal with boundaries with an attractive male roommate will heavily impact whether or not having a male roommate is a good decision. And, regardless of how rigid you may be capable of being or how unattracted to him you are, there's always a risk with an opposite sex (straight) male roommate coming onto you.

It's up to you to way the pros, cons, risks, and benefits.

But sincere congrats on getting out on your own. Any limitations you'll face from having a roommate will be outweighed by the possibilities you'll gain by not living with your parents. You'll be fine as far as dating goes.

As far as your parents go, it may be worth it to hold off until within a month of you leaving. Definitely don't let them know the night before, but if you're legit concerned they'll take it badly (you know them better than us), then it may be worth it to not maximize the duration in which you might experience the fallout while living with them.

Thank you!

Super helpful and reassuring.

My current guy and I have been on a 2-week break, but he has gotten in touch to say that he's sorry and misses me etc you know the drill, and are due to meet again on the weekend coming. If meeting again all goes well then I could run it all by him and see what he feels about the situation. He had the impression when I move out it would be to live alone, albeit he has a flat mate who is an old friend of his who i got along with very well and that was never an issue.

I get what you mean about boundaries - there's just that immediate block when you know you're not supposed to go there - the same way I'd look at my friend's ex's for example.

I'll have to think more about this and figure out what is best. Thanks everyone

You need to read some articles and books on establishing boundaries with your parents, since they sound like the type who emotionally manipulate you with their reasons and try to give you guilt trips, since I doubt their behavior will end when you do move out. If you hadn't signed the lease yet, I would've given the advice for a 1 bedroom. I could never live with my best friend and know we'd become enemies. My grown daughter became enemies with her co-worker friend when they moved in together. My stepdaughter is now moving out after leasing one year with a girl she went to high school with. She's now in college. The trouble started when the friend got a boyfriend, and my stepdaughters possessions started disappearing. Before that, she rented with a gay guy friend who would bring many men over and they'd eat her food out of the fridge, etc.

It's hard to find someone who you can get along with. Just interviewing someone, are you going to know if they leave crumbs on the counter. Do they blare the t.v.? Do you have to worry about locking everything up because of them or who they bring over? Will your dog annoy them? You might be a bit naive because you haven't lived on your own before. Stay safe and good luck.

I lived in a shared dorm at university, but I imagine that's very different.

I'm a bit nervous about living with someone I have to say. I am thinking more that I like the idea of renting out the second bedroom on an occasional basis on air bnb as a holiday let. Then it feels less like I have to compromise my whole living space.

I also like the idea of finding someone who works night shifts somewhere so we never see each other, but unlikely that I'll just conveniently find someone with that circumstance ready to move in with me!

I'd tell parents in a celebratory way. YOU set the tone, and if you approach this as bad, bad horrible news for them, that prompts them to behave that way. Skip that. Don't offer permission for them to make your life hell while you're trying to move--raise the expectation that they WILL BE HAPPY FOR YOU.

A week or two before my move I'd pick a good-mood time to say, "So...who would like to help me plan my housewarming party?" Let that set with them a moment until they ask what you mean. Then--boom! Announce that you've found the perfect flat in the same happy way you'd announce your engagement to someone they adore, and you'll be moving in on (date).

No matter what they say, remain cheerful and stupid to their response. Don't register or recognize any bummer noises. Just plow forward and speak about how 'close' it is (regardless of how far away) and how much you look forward to hosting them for brunch and enjoying their help in choosing the decor.

If you behave as though this is a natural and positive milestone in your life, you will pressure them to follow suit. If you respond to their reaction in a way that buys their negativity as acceptable, then you will feed the beast. Don't go there. Remain happy for yourself, and raise the bar for them to do the same.

No matter what, don't pull a tantrum in response to theirs. You can say, "I understand," as you pat their hand or hug them, but make sure you leave the room appearing happy and uplifted--no matter what they say.

Head high, you can do this.

PS: I wouldn't rush into a roommate situation. If you're already positioned to own other properties, then you're not desperate and shouldn't make any immediate moves to include total strangers in your private living space. Sure, saving money is 'nice,' but it's not necessary to position yourself badly in your own home with anyone who can harm your enjoyment of it.

Mm renting it out occasionally on air bnb or another way is probably going against your lease. Most landlords have policies on subletting, as it is their property.

Did you need a background check or references? Tenant insurance? Will insurance cover if you have a short term subletter who decides to trash the place since they're only there for a weekend?

Check your lease.

Thanks a lot that's super helpful. I would prefer to live alone, it's just in the area that i want its super expensive whereas sharing makes it easier to live somewhere I really like. Another idea I had: I was considering of maybe just occasionally renting out the second bedroom like on air bnb or something for short lets? So that i feel like the place is actually mine and i don't have to compromise 'house rules' as much... what do you think? The second bedroom is ensuite.

The place isn't actually yours, though. It belongs to your landlord/lady and you aren't entitled to rent out their property! Check your lease carefully, as you may find that subletting is grounds for eviction... it certainly is in the UK.

The place isn't actually yours, though. It belongs to your landlord/lady and you aren't entitled to rent out their property! Check your lease carefully, as you may find that subletting is grounds for eviction... it certainly is in the UK.

Not saying it can't go well, but I wouldn't make it a casual decision. And if they're paying money, they're not going to just bend to your house rules because they're temporary. If anything, they'd likely be emboldened by the fact p*ssing you off would be pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

Firstly, I refreshed my memory about this boyfriend and i would NOT run it by him at all. You are on break with him and this is the guy that has thrown fits on multiple occasions. I would not allow him to influence your decision in any way.

I will echo what others have said and agree that a male flat mate who is not a family member is a bad idea. Okay, if he is most definitely gay, it *might* work, but i think i would steer you against it. My male cousin had a female roommate when he was a grad student - she was an ER nurse and they never saw eachother - it was basically a place for them to make meals and sleep and their schedules were opposites. For your first time out of the house in awhile, i would also interview female roommates as well. Best case scenario is that you can afford the place with no roommate, but the roommate helps you be able to save and not have to outlay the whole bill.

Also, please refresh my memory - you are renting out your flat that you own - what about moving into it when the else turn is up? or selling to get a bigger place? I don't remember the reason.

As far as letting your folks know, they already know you own real estate, Just tell them you got a place and are moving out at such and such a time. be matter of fact. Don't hide it and also don't apologize.

btw, are you wanting a male roommate because the male roomate individually is the best match or are you doing it on some level to rebel/shock the folks in a way?