How important is compatibility?

What is compatibility? How important is it when it comes to deciding whether to commit to someone and start a relationship with him/ her?

If you are really into someone though, wouldn't you tend to overlook incompatibility and try for that person first anyways? Or the logical person would always let the issue of compatibility rule over any emotions?

Is incompatibility sometimes just used as an excuse to turn someone down?

Thank you.

Incompatibility means to me that you have similar values, similar belief systems, similar life and relationship goals, complementary personality (not the same, just complementary). All of these means, low conflict in the long term, at least in things that matter. People simply cannot live in high conflict relationships and be happy with it. They might put up with it, but sooner or later, it going to get to a point where the bad outweighs the good.

I've dated too many incompatible people and seen too many relationships fail (including my own parents) due to incompatibility. It's not because they / we didn't love each other or had no feelings or emotions. It was because they / we could no longer live with or be with each other because the differences are too fundamental, there's no chance that either can change something so fundamental about themselves.

It's absolutely not an excuse. Though sometimes people like to use it as a cover all to avoid having to explain specifically what it is that didn't work for them.

That is not to say you should ignore emotions, there's no point dating someone that appears compatible but you have no feeling for. Think of it as one of the basic must-haves. It's not the only consideration but its one of the things that needs to be there. Emotions alone are unreliable for making important decisions like choosing a life long partner. Compatibility plays a major role in whether a relationship will last the distance, ignore at your own peril.

 

If you are really into someone though, wouldn't you tend to overlook incompatibility and try for that person first anyways?

 

When I was inexperienced in relationships, yes if I was into someone, I would give it a shot and compatibility wasn't even on my radar.

After dating and being in LTR on and off for 10+ years, I learned two things.

One, you will meet many many people in your life, and you can be into many different people. You might be into someone today, and if you let that person go, you'll meet someone else you're into given a little bit of time. There will always, always be someone else. This idea that someone is somehow special, perhaps even feel like the one and only, just because you have strong feelings for them, is what leads to people making bad decisions. There will always be others. They are all "special" in their own way. It's ultimately your choice whether to let someone fade from your life, or let them stay. And that decision shouldn't be based on how strongly you feel about them. It should be based on facts.

And two, having been in relationships with people that somehow things are just so... difficult, having asked yourself why is it so hard? Like, how can you be disagreeing / fighting over something so trivial and basic? You learn the power of incompatibility. What seems simple and "just the way it is" for you, is not so for someone else, because you have very different values and belief systems (not religion, just general beliefs about right and wrong), which you were brought up in, it's instilled in you. You wouldn't even give it a second thought, until this other person challenges it. And you realise, maybe you can't even explain why you think this is the right way and that is the wrong way, and you should and shouldn't do this or that, it's just who you are. And...this other person believe in something completely different that clashes with what you believe in. When you've been through that, you realise that you cannot change or control the relationship or the other person to make it work, you can't "just try harder". No amount of trying works. You just need to be with someone who already share the same values and beliefs as you. With the right person, none of these conflicts exist to begin with.

So what makes someone whom I have feelings for also worthy for keeping in my life, is compatibility. Being with someone compatible should make you feel peaceful and content in the relationship (low conflict level is an important factor in feeling this way). You are happy majority of the time, and you can see that continuing well into the future. That, for me, is when I know someone is here to stay.

I would pose the question and say what do you have if you don't have compatibility ? If you don't have compatibility you have a relationship with an expiry date . If you're looking for a relationship just to have a relationship sure why not you don't really have to be compatible . But it will be ending soon enough .

If you want a lasting relationship you have to have compatibility . You have to have similar life goals ,lifestyle ,beliefs and interests . You don't have to have absolutely everything the same but you have to have your major things that are the same . For instance both my husband and I knew that we wanted children . There would have been zero point for us to be together if one of us didn't want children . We have the same moral values and the same moral standard. We were brought up in a similar way in the same era . We parent in the same way . We share the same religion . We agreed to raise our child in that religion. We share some major interest one of them being history. We both can appreciate the military lifestyle which is good since he is in the military . We are both similarly educated . The fact that we are devoted to each other and love each other is just the glue that will hold it together forever . Next month we will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary .

My parents were horribly incompatible and lasted only 7 years and of course had two children to their divorce issues . Why do that? A relationship full of drama is not love ,it's not caring and it's not romantic .

Relationship is always about compromises. But there arr things you cant compromise on,like whether you want kids or not,or something similair.

Love just isnt enough for having a nice relationship.

I agree with all this. My husband and I are different as far as type A and type B and that can be annoying on both ends but it's also very complementary especially when it comes to parenting. I am inspired by him to be more type B. I agree that it doesn't mean "things in common" -that can be important too -or very, to some people -but compatibility -you like hanging out with each other, you get each other most of the time, you like to talk together (or be quiet together). You fit together.

On values - to me personally that's a big one. I declined to date many men because they smoked pot, or thought it was ok to hit a stranger who taunted him on a public bus (that was a second date story, there was no third) or believed that sex should happen early on to see if the couple was "compatible". I loved my ex boyfriend - and I think our downfall was that we simply didn't click on a personal level - I found him too distant, too reserved, to the point of being too self-absorbed - it was uncomfortable to hang out with him because the conversation didn't flow. And it wasn't about intense sexual chemistry -I simply loved him, what he was about, his passion for art, his devotion to his family but we couldn't hang together. It made me crazy because we went back and forth so many times over 7 years. And it wasn't till we were apart about 5 months - and a mutual friend made a comment about him- not really a criticism -just a comment about how he interacted with her, the dynamic - and that was my aha moment, when I gave myself permission to understand why we were wrong together despite the love and caring. I spoke to him and said something about it in general and he actually agreed. But love got in the way, and sure the desire to find that person who seemed so perfect (he also wanted to marry me and have a family with me) and banging my head against the wall for every romantic reconciliation that soon became serious gut wrenching doubts about why it didn't feel right.

About a month after the aha moment the boyfriend I'd had before this guy came back into my life. Lightbulb moment again -when you feel comfortable in your own skin with someone, at home, and then on a logical/practical level you tick off the boxes (but that is kind of secondary other than the big stuff), it's obvious. We argue, we bicker, we have had "fights" - and sure I've felt uncomfortable with things he has done and said and vice versa (especially when it comes to parenting and sleep deprivation -lethal combo!) -but you need that foundation of compatibility to return to -and the desire to return to it.

Seriously JMHO - individuals have different needs in relationships.

owlet!!!! you're back!!! i've been thinking about you!

hope you're doing well luv, i might chime in when i've had some rest. hugs

Just because you are compatible with someone doesn't mean they are right for you. They and you could be doing and saying all the right things, but still fall short of what you really want.

owlet!!!! you're back!!! i've been thinking about you!

 

hope you're doing well luv, i might chime in when i've had some rest. hugs

 

n'awww! thank you Rainy Chime in anytime! Always lovely to hear your input (and other lovely posters' too!)

Thank you for everyone's input, they are all very insightful!

So say a guy and a girl date, there is physical attraction and both genuinely enjoy each other's company immensely.

1) After a while, the girl wants a relationship with the guy, the guy hesitates to commit and is not sure if he wants a relationship or if she is suitable. Is this incompatibility? (or is he just not into her?)

2) She has an anxious attachment style and thrives on consistent attention and affection, while he has a avoidant attachment style and tends to keep a distance and is very emotionally reserved and independent. He mentioned how he feels she is like a puppy who needs a lot of attention and reinforcement, and he feels he could not give her that. Is this incompatibility or just an issue of him not being into her?

3) He said that she is so certain but he is not, that she is so emotional and he is not, that such imbalance does not feel right. He said if anyone come on as strong, he would pull away too. But really, she was just into him and expressing affection. What is wrong with that?

4) If she becomes more secure and independent, would things work?

So, base on the above, is this a clear case of incompatibility? Because the two's relationship goals are different and because their needs and what they are able to give in a relationship are not aligned?

Seriously JMHO - individuals have different needs in relationships.

So true indeed!

It's incompatibility to me because their core relationship values are different. He wants a partner that is stable, able to take care of herself and independent and makes room in her life for him, and she wants someone to dote on her, making sure she always feels "needed" versus "wanted" and probably both parties will never change that.

This isn't a simple "she texts me too much" thing. It's a core value that's different, much like the "one person wants kids and one doesn't" value or "one wants marriage and one doesn't". Either way, in the end, conflict will always happen.

It's incompatibility to me because their core relationship values are different. He wants a partner that is stable, able to take care of herself and independent and makes room in her life for him, and she wants someone to dote on her, making sure she always feels "needed" versus "wanted" and probably both parties will never change that.

 

This isn't a simple "she texts me too much" thing. It's a core value that's different, much like the "one person wants kids and one doesn't" value or "one wants marriage and one doesn't". Either way, in the end, conflict will always happen.

But if she is able to become more independent, secure, and stable, will things work?

Given that they do care about each other, share physical attraction, and enjoy each others' company?

But if she is able to become more independent, secure, and stable, will things work?

Given that they do care about each other, share physical attraction, and enjoy each others' company?

Whether she does or not is up to her, of course, but the fact that this is who she is prior to being in a relationship with you means she would be changing for you, and not for her. Do you understand that?

Whether she does or not is up to her, of course, but the fact that this is who she is prior to being in a relationship with you means she would be changing for you, and not for her. Do you understand that?

The she would be me. I would like to change for him, but also for myself too. I would like to become more self-sufficient, self-assured, measured and independent, for myself and my own wellbeing too. I want to be the one to provide happiness for myself, as I find the constant need to look outside for support and strength is tedious and unreliable. I want to take back control, and I feel one way is by changing. I am not sure if this should be the way to go, or realistically it would actually work though - such as changing one self.

The she would be me. I would like to change for him, but also for myself too. I would like to become more self-sufficient, self-assured, measured and independent, for myself and my own wellbeing too. I want to be the one to provide happiness for myself, as I find the constant need to look outside for support and strength is tedious and unreliable. I want to take back control, and I feel one way is by changing. I am not sure if this should be the way to go, or realistically it would actually work though - such as changing one self.

That's a great goal - and it's one I only ever figured out how to do after breaking it off with a good guy and being single for a year.

Sounds like all three. Incompatibility, just not that into her as she is into him and not on the same page.

Is this incompatibility?

is he just not into her?

their needs and what they are able to give in a relationship are not aligned?

Sounds like all three. Incompatibility, just not that into her as she is into him and not on the same page.

Agree, and all three sound linked to each other. Egg and chicken.

That's a great goal - and it's one I only ever figured out how to do after breaking it off with a good guy and being single for a year.

Do you mind sharing how you did it, withlove?

When you read threads on this forum you find far too many people desperate to make relationships work with people they are incompatible with. You like some things about a person and loathe other things. If you cant agree on basic fundamental parts of a relationship, like core values, work ethic, religion if that plays a part, family, hobbies, interests, stage in life etc etc how on earth do you think you are going to make something work with them? It cant successfully be done. You have to have more than a smattering of common interests.

1) After a while, the girl wants a relationship with the guy, the guy hesitates to commit and is not sure if he wants a relationship or if she is suitable. Is this incompatibility? (or is he just not into her?)

He is just not that into her.

2) She has an anxious attachment style and thrives on consistent attention and affection, while he has a avoidant attachment style and tends to keep a distance and is very emotionally reserved and independent. He mentioned how he feels she is like a puppy who needs a lot of attention and reinforcement, and he feels he could not give her that. Is this incompatibility or just an issue of him not being into her?

This is a very serious fundamental incompatibility between the two people. Ironically a very typical, opposites attract but then they fight type situation. It would appear that to the anxious, the avoidants are like crack, and just like any addiction, leads to a whole lot of pain and drama. It's actually a very toxic combination in the long run.

3) He said that she is so certain but he is not, that she is so emotional and he is not, that such imbalance does not feel right. He said if anyone come on as strong, he would pull away too. But really, she was just into him and expressing affection. What is wrong with that?

Fundamental incompatibility, again something that will lead to a lot of contention and resentments. One person will feel suffocated while the other unsatisfied.

4) If she becomes more secure and independent, would things work?

The differences as a whole are not as simple as becoming more independent. Some things, like a need for affection is actually hard wired, as is lack of desire for it. You can fix things like anxiety and insecurity...maybe....if you really really work at it....but other things, needs, you really can't change who you are on a core level.

So, base on the above, is this a clear case of incompatibility? Because the two's relationship goals are different and because their needs and what they are able to give in a relationship are not aligned?

Yes, it is a very clear case of incompatibility, not just because of different relationship goals, but because the two individuals in questions are too fundamentally opposite from each other.

The truth is that you would be much happier and better off with a guy who is more like yourself. Someone who himself likes more attention, more time together, less need for personal space, naturally matching you in terms of being affectionate, etc. It will make for a happy relationship with much less tension and strife.

So for this guy, if I / the girl, continue to be there for him, support him and care for him, will this make him cherish me/ her more or take me/ her for granted?

I am not doing this for the purpose of getting him to commit. I know he won't and I know he is not suitable for me. I do genuinely like him as a person, or a friend. I am not expecting him to treat me the same or better than before. But I don't want to give my heart (even as friends) to someone, only to have them take me for granted and treat me with less value.

Do you mind sharing how you did it, withlove?

 

Firstly, I realized that although he and I shared a lot of common interests and did want marriage eventually, he was over his ex but not over the divorce from her. He had thought he would be married forever and when that didn't happen, it really shook him, I believe. We had an awesome time, the sex was good, I loved his friends, he met my family - but I knew that any sort of love that could blossom would do so from the seeds of bitterness that were still lurking beneath the surface. We were together for 4 months, but I could see a future with him, even though we didn't love each other yet. So we talked about it and he admitted that his divorce still really bothered him and that he probably wouldn't be able to give me what I wanted in most capacities. So we mutually ended things and we're still friends (although he moved out of state later).

 

After that, it bothered me that an honest-to-goodness relationship couldn't work out. It bothered me that there wasn't any anger or bitterness to cling to, because that's how relationships usually end, right? It took me longer than 4 months to get over that, and him, I suppose. When I did find peace with it, I found myself questioning a lot of things - like how I had been against marriage for most of my life, but only with him did I finally start thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad; how I have finally come to terms and made peace with how I may never want children, and that that is okay; how I relied a lot on someone else to make me happy and that when there isn't anyone there but me, it's much easier to ignore my own darkness than face it and figure out how to tackle it.

 

I researched (after posting on here about it and receiving really good feedback) about ACA, which stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics, and found out they had free weekly meetings like 10 minutes from my apartment. I started going and was completely blown away by the support I received there. You can read my thread about it - I will edit this post with the link shortly. It really put a lot of perspective to how I think and how I picked my partners. I wanted to break that cycle and find someone that wasn't part of it. Here is the link!

 

Around that time, I found a local gaming community through Meetup and joined in on a board game night with them, and they are my saving grace to this day. About 10 of us see each other on a monthly and sometimes weekly basis, and they have been my support network through this journey. They love me despite all my quirks and oddities, and I love the, too. And it was through this group that I met the man I am with today, and we've been together (as a couple) about 4 months. This man is everything I've ever hoped I'd find, and even though there are some things I obviously may consider 'not to my liking', it just makes me appreciate all the rest of his great qualities (there are tons). Like my ex, we haven't exchanged "I love you"s or anything yet, but he shows me how much he cares for me every day, and I do the same. I enjoy the sheer amount of respect and courtesy we have for each other.

 

So, my journey hasn't been easy, but I would not trade any of the hardships I went through, because they have led me to where I am today. I live on my own, I have a stable job that pays well, I have my own car, a really enjoyable lifestyle, and I wasn't actively looking to share any of that with someone because I loved my life as it was. I just happened to meet my boyfriend through our gaming group, and that's where we are today.

Sorry, no smothering usually pushes people away. It's too much of a burden on someone to be the center of anyone's universe.

It's best to develop yourself as an independent whole person and dismiss rom-com notions of completing each other.

Most doormats get taken for granted but often the partner feels trapped and runs.

I continue to be there for him, support him and care for him, will this make him cherish memore or take me for granted? I am not doing this for the purpose of getting him to commit. I know he won't and I know he is not suitable for me.

People make up excuses to fit their feelings. If a person is not attracted, they will say they have nothing in common. If a person is attracted in another, they will think they have a lot in common. Funny but true.

Compatibility is important, but it's not about hobbies. If two people like each other, they can find plenty to do together, trust me. Who does not like a walk on the beach with the right person?!

True compatibility is universal. People who are catches are nice, and sane. Attraction is random, it's a wildcard.

You are not looking for common interests.... you are looking for one common interest - interest in each other.