Unexpected reaction

I left my partner this past weekend. We have 2 children together. The first year was amazing. The 2nd year began to show problems and by the time of our 2nd baby, I felt like I didn't even know the man who I shared my home with.

Basically, he lied, stole, spent all our money, put me and the children last and was physically violent during my pregnancy when I would catch him out on bad behaviour.

The last 6 months were the hardest yet, he completely treated me like crap. Ignoring me, wouldn't let me talk, called me names and when I told him i was leaving, he would threaten my life.

Eventually I planned out my escape. I left this past weekend. His first reaction was to be angry, but it lasted maybe 10 minutes. Since, he has cried, begged, threatened his own life and the entire time made promises to be better.

I wasn't expecting this at all. I expected him to be violent. I would have found that easy to cope with, not this..

Is this normal? This amount of begging and pleading? He says he will not let me go and won't accept the breakup.

It's rocking my nerves and definitely playing up my guilt and self doubt.

Has anybody any advice for me? My therapist says he fits the description of NPD. I cannot see her until next week and would really like to make sense of all this and stay strong.

Tia x

threatened his own life

This is a manipulative technique used by narcissists. The reason it works is because the rest of us would never consider saying such a thing unless it was true. So we accept it at face value.

Don't fall for it. You were in an abusive situation and if you go back (out of empathy, to keep him from hurting himself, etc.) the cycle will repeat.

Block him everywhere if you can. That way you won't have to hear his begging. Narcissists just want to have the upper hand. Don't give it to him.

Excellent you left. Don't go back. He'a an abuser using classic abuser tricks. He doesn't own you like a car or shovel, but you are treated as such.

Was he on drugs? Call a domestic violence place to speak with a qualified counselor for free and get info, support and resources. Stay wherever you are. Be safe, get a restraining order. The pleading stage is only the beginning.

Your therapist should be telling you this is the profile of an abuser not armchair diagnosing him with personality disorders and excusing his behavior. left my partner this past weekend.

was physically violent during my pregnancy

when I told him i was leaving, he would threaten my life.

Eventually I planned out my escape.

Is this normal? This amount of begging and pleading?

My therapist says he fits the description of NPD

Thank you for the quick replies. I am safe for now, I'm staying with my father in an acreage. We have changed the locks and codes and will be able to see him coming if he does decide to show up.

I have been in contact with the womens shelter twice, they expect me and my children to come stay if i feel unsafe and have said an outreach counsellor will be in touch, but it has been a week and heard nothing yet.

I see a social worker tomorrow morning to get things on track and be pointed in the right direction for after abuse care.

My therapist has been wonderful, she helped me make sense and validated my feelings of the abuse, whereas before, I wasn't even sure that I was being abused. I was very confused. She did say he fit the description of a narcissist and I added that to give you an idea of his behaviour.

Would it be okay to block him? I feel so terribly guilty for doing this. He makes me feel like it wasnt even that bad enough to leave and that im being heartless. I haven't blocked him so far as he still wants to speak to the children on a night which I have allowed. I have asked him to stop calling and texting otherwise. One minute he says that's fine. Then he's messaging asking who im sleeping with and begging me not to sleep with anybody else or else he will shoot himself.

This is very hard, he sure knows how to pull the victim card. I feel like a horrible person right now

Drugs were certainly a big part of our relationship. He was doing cocaine and smoked weed all day and night. He would lie about it though and pretty sure that's where all our money went..

Agree with gebaird. He is a physically and emotionally abusive man. He will do and say anything to have his own way. However, once you are back together not only will he eventually go back to his "normal" self, he could even be worse because he will hold a huge grudge against you for ever leaving him in the first place. I have seen this happen with a friend of mine.

Blocking him completely might not be possible as you have children together. That said, this is a volatile man we are talking about here. Would you trust him around your children? That is something you may need to get some advice on so appropriate action can be taken for both you and your children's safety.

Is the begging and pleading normal for an abuser who will beat you? Absolutely. In fact total textbook behavior. Also, buying you gifts, flowers, and teary promises to be a better man. Also threats of self harm or harm to you. I'd take him telling you that he will not let you go as a very very serious and dire threat and take serious precautions against that, including making sure he cannot find you.

Here is what's critical for you to understand. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERY SINGLE THING that he is doing, telling you, claiming, etc, etc., etc. is being done by him with a cold calculated goal in mind - to get you back so he can keep abusing you and beating you for life.

Please please protect yourself. He is a monster and you better understand this to the very core of your soul. You need to get whatever help you need to get away from him, file for divorce, be sure you document and record all his threats and rantings about self harm. More importantly, you must protect your children from this. What he will do to you, he will eventually do to them too. People like him do not get better. Ever.

You want to know if he's a real narcissist? Be firm on your no and he'll turn on you so quick it will make your head spin.

An average person may shift slowly from grief to acceptance or anger but an N will do so with a blink of an eye and with such

cool indifference you'll quickly see the tears were that of a crocodile.

They are manipulative actors

You're in the honeymoon stage right now.

]

This is normal for all abusers. It's called the Cycle of Abuse, look the term up. He is trying to guilt you into coming back, and the behavior might change temporarily, but then he will revert back to his previous behaviors.

See your therapist, call this hotline and talk to the counselors about steps you can take to make sure you and your children are safe. Work out how to keep your kids safe since their father isn't someone who can be trusted to treat them well when he has custody. It will help.

It is much more typical that abusive partners resort to tears and promises to be good when they are losing the people they enjoyed abusing. The violence usually precedes that and can follow on the heels of either gaining control again OR realizing they have lost control, which is why I'm telling you to please contact that hotline and see if they can help. If they can't start calling up other organizations and I hope you kept records of the physical abuse. If not start to document it now, and have records at the ready. Start looking for an attorney to help you through this difficult time as well, you will need one that is on your side to help you navigate the courts and make sure you and your children stay safe.

I'm glad you got the courage up to walk away, that's a great first step. And you need to keep moving forward and don't go back. The violence will eventually be worse if you do, and often times abusers clamp down on someone who has tried to leave them once, so going back is a fool's game that will not end well for you or the kids.

Tears are one of an abuser's weapons and they use them to great effect. My ex who was abusive wailed like a little boy when I finally left him, after he'd slapped me hard enough to bloody my nose and told me I was an ugly pig that no one would ever love. I'm sure he was sorry to have lost me, who else was going to put up with him? But love me? Nope. So he could cry, so what. Adopt that same view. This man can cry, big deal. But could he treat you and the kids well and show you love and affection instead of abuse before that? If the answer is no then the tears mean nothing beyond that he's upset he's losing something, much like a child cries when they lose a toy. And he's trying to show you how "sincere" he is, but the fact is he knew he was abusing you all along. It's not like, "Gosh, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that to the people I claim to love." So tears mean nothing, they will not heal your wounds or save you or one of your kid's lives if he gets completely out of control. And having been abusive already, yes he's on the downhill side of going there and already so many more steps towards that end than most. Violence is addictive, I'm come to that conclusion after working in a women's clinic for years. It is its own addiction. It's not a "Gee, I didn't know not to do that." It's a choice based off the high they get or the issues they won't go and get fixed on their own. And it gets worse, usually a whole lot worse.

Tears are a very worthless action that mean nothing. They engender feelings of sympathy, because we're programmed by nature to be concerned for the baby's well-being when it cries. It's a stimulus response, but a full grown adult doesn't need protection the way a baby does. So recognize it as, "Wow, you can cry, good for you, I'm still not going back," and move forward with getting you and your kids to safety. Good luck.

he sure knows how to pull the victim card.

The fact that he's trying to paint himself as the victim and you as the heartless abuser seems a bit backwards, doesn't it?

You are not the heartless one; he is. Don't for a second feel guilty about leaving him. At this point it's self-defense, and he gave you no other option. He could have treated you better, but he didn't. This is the consequence.

Stay with your father and get more advice form domestic violence places. Stop talking to him. He is garbage. Protect yourself and your children, not him. It's high time you put their safety and well being before his, no?

Drugs were certainly a big part of our relationship. He was doing cocaine and smoked weed all day and night. He would lie about it though and pretty sure that's where all our money went..

Thank you!!!! I just need to keep reading this and keep it all in my head to feel strong on my decision and that's it the right one to make.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my kids and him. I do not trust him with my children AT ALL. Not even when he was here living with us. I just felt that something wasn't right with him, i caught him telling our baby crying to shut the F up. Our baby burned all of his fingers while in his care and he fully promoted spanking our 2 year old, i did not.

The minute he starts to get aggressive, i will be contacting police so im keeping contact through texts as of now, just so I may have some kind of evidence to back up my claims if it does come to that.

He does switch in the blink of an eye. He can be crying, professing his undying love, then when I say I don't want to hear it, he calls me a little f*ck, in his very next breath.

He tells me everyday that hes going to chop off my head before the cops will get to us. Hes clever, he hasn't said it in a text yet...

Im just going to ignore all texts and calls from now, allow him the one call on a night for the kids.

Hoping tomorrow brings some information when I speak to the social worker. The womens shelter seems awfully hard to reach unless you actually go to stay there.

Thank you!!!! I just need to keep reading this and keep it all in my head to feel strong on my decision and that's it the right one to make.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my kids and him. I do not trust him with my children AT ALL. Not even when he was here living with us. I just felt that something wasn't right with him, i caught him telling our baby crying to shut the F up. Our baby burned all of his fingers while in his care and he fully promoted spanking our 2 year old, i did not.

The minute he starts to get aggressive, i will be contacting police so im keeping contact through texts as of now, just so I may have some kind of evidence to back up my claims if it does come to that.

 

He does switch in the blink of an eye. He can be crying, professing his undying love, then when I say I don't want to hear it, he calls me a little f*ck, in his very next breath.

He tells me everyday that hes going to chop off my head before the cops will get to us. Hes clever, he hasn't said it in a text yet...

 

Im just going to ignore all texts and calls from now, allow him the one call on a night for the kids.

Hoping tomorrow brings some information when I speak to the social worker. The womens shelter seems awfully hard to reach unless you actually go to stay there.

Document the things he says and does.

Save texts and emails.

He sounds like the type to say he wants time with his kids and in reality will vanish.

Im just happy to know that this is all a normal part of the abusers game. It doesnt make sense that would cry and beg now, but last week refused to send me or the kids money for food because he was working hard and needed to eat.

It won't change my mind, I will never return to him. He has been working away now for 4 weeks and iv never felt happier in my life.

I was just starting to worry that I may have gotten it all wrong and experiencing self doubt and guilt. He knows my empathy is my biggest downfall and he is trying to hit it hard.

Il call around the hotlines for added info and keep going. I know this is the right step. I feel it. I just wasn't expecting the crying at all. It has been so long since he ever acted this way to me. It has been anger and violence for the past year or so.

Get a restraining order. How do you know he's not manipulating the kids? Stop babying him. Just stop. You're playing with fire.

Did you know abusers often kidnap and kill the kids to get back at the mother? No? Because your social worker is letting you take this so lightly. Unbelievable.

Our baby burned all of his fingers while in his careHe tells me everyday that hes going to chop off my head before the cops will get to us. allow him the one call on a night for the kids.

Thank you!!!! I just need to keep reading this and keep it all in my head to feel strong on my decision and that's it the right one to make.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my kids and him. I do not trust him with my children AT ALL. Not even when he was here living with us. I just felt that something wasn't right with him, i caught him telling our baby crying to shut the F up. Our baby burned all of his fingers while in his care and he fully promoted spanking our 2 year old, i did not.

The minute he starts to get aggressive, i will be contacting police so im keeping contact through texts as of now, just so I may have some kind of evidence to back up my claims if it does come to that.

 

He does switch in the blink of an eye. He can be crying, professing his undying love, then when I say I don't want to hear it, he calls me a little f*ck, in his very next breath.

He tells me everyday that hes going to chop off my head before the cops will get to us. Hes clever, he hasn't said it in a text yet...

 

Im just going to ignore all texts and calls from now, allow him the one call on a night for the kids.

Hoping tomorrow brings some information when I speak to the social worker. The womens shelter seems awfully hard to reach unless you actually go to stay there.

You can download apps that will record what he tells you while on the cell phone with you. Please please get them figure out how to work them and record him. As disturbing as it is for you to hear it, you need this for the upcoming custody fight. You need all the evidence you can get your hands on.

If he is an NPD, he may well show up to court the pillar of reason and charm and charm the judge into believing his actually sane, which he is not. So you need evidence of his other side. You need proof of his threats. Do not under estimate how manipulative someone like that can be....and how vindictive...... Be sure that you make multiple copies of all the texts, voice recordings, etc. and store them in different locations. Also, go talk to a lawyer asap and give them copies of all you have.

You can do this, but you will have to be tough as nails. You have it in you.

He knows my empathy is my biggest downfall and he is trying to hit it hard.

 

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And that's exactly why he picked you.

Empathy is a gift . . abusers love to exploit it.

His tears are his way of trying to get you to feel terrible for leaving him and to get you to feel sorry for him.

Then, once you go back...he will beat you to within an inch of your life to punish you for having the nerve to leave him. He will threaten the kids to keep you in line. And it will get WORSE from there.

Remember, he doesn't think and feel the same way you do. Everything he does is to get what he wants...a woman and family to abuse so he feels like a big, powerful man.

And what will you and the kids get? Fear, broken bones and hospital stays.

Please ask your father to help you stay strong. I can't imagine any father would tolerate some man hurting his daughter and grandchildren.

And good for you for getting out and for putting your children first. Remember them whenever you feel sorry for him and are tempted to go back.

Excellent you left. Don't go back. He'a an abuser using classic abuser tricks. He doesn't own you like a car or shovel, but you are treated as such.

 

Was he on drugs? Call a domestic violence place to speak with a qualified counselor for free and get info, support and resources. Stay wherever you are. Be safe, get a restraining order. The pleading stage is only the beginning.

 

Your therapist should be telling you this is the profile of an abuser not armchair diagnosing him with personality disorders and excusing his behavior.

 

I agree! He is an abuser. This is clear! he will not change, and his actions are typical for an abuser. Have you looked into Cycles of Abuse?

 

Do not return, or you and your kids could end up dead!

Thank you!!!! I just need to keep reading this and keep it all in my head to feel strong on my decision and that's it the right one to make.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my kids and him. I do not trust him with my children AT ALL. Not even when he was here living with us. I just felt that something wasn't right with him, i caught him telling our baby crying to shut the F up. Our baby burned all of his fingers while in his care and he fully promoted spanking our 2 year old, i did not.

The minute he starts to get aggressive, i will be contacting police so im keeping contact through texts as of now, just so I may have some kind of evidence to back up my claims if it does come to that.

 

He does switch in the blink of an eye. He can be crying, professing his undying love, then when I say I don't want to hear it, he calls me a little f*ck, in his very next breath.

He tells me everyday that hes going to chop off my head before the cops will get to us. Hes clever, he hasn't said it in a text yet...

 

Im just going to ignore all texts and calls from now, allow him the one call on a night for the kids.

Hoping tomorrow brings some information when I speak to the social worker. The womens shelter seems awfully hard to reach unless you actually go to stay there.

Why haven't you recorded phone calls?

I have downloaded the app that records your phone calls, thank you for that. I had no idea.

I have a feeling that his attitude will change soon, I have ignored him all day and haven't answered a phone call yet.

I will take his threats seriously and plan on getting to a womens shelter if i get an inkling hes coming this way. (Hes across province right now with no vehicle so will take him at least 6 hours)

I have downloaded the app on my cell phone and will record any calls.. i will put on speaker phone and record if he calls the house phone as he usually does. Not much service out here on my cell.

Ugh this is terrible.. but i can do this. Thanks again all.

I will be sure to document everything from now on.

I concur with what others have said:

What he's doing is totally predictable manipulation.

You're going to feel so many different feelings. It's not bad to feel sorry for him. It's not bad to feel angry. Whatever you're feeling is ok. It's going to oscillate and feel confusing.

Keep firm boundaries. He isn't going to get better.

I concur with what others have said:

 

What he's doing is totally predictable manipulation.

 

You're going to feel so many different feelings. It's not bad to feel sorry for him. It's not bad to feel angry. Whatever you're feeling is ok. It's going to oscillate and feel confusing.

 

Keep firm boundaries. He isn't going to get better.

This is wonderfully stated. I could not agree more.

OP, document, document, document and absolutely find whatever support you can from whatever outlets are available to you. You and your children are entitled to be safe and secure. None of his demands, needs, wishes or expectations hold a candle to this.

You are doing the right thing. Courage, mate. I wish you the best of luck.

OP...Keep in mind and this is not meant to scare you, but you're likely to be in great danger if he knows where you're staying. Not only that, but this is the most dangerous time for you to gamble with what he may or may not do.

Either way, you and your children are much safer in woman's shelter, especially at this time. Be careful...

Is this normal? This amount of begging and pleading? He says he will not let me go and won't accept the breakup.

It's rocking my nerves and definitely playing up my guilt and self doubt.

Normal and typical are two different things. Yes, it's typical. Don't buy in. Contact a domestic violence site for a referral to your nearest agency and get an education about the manipulation that goes along with abuse.

Be smart--your kids are dependent on you to look out for their Mom AND them.