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Cant be happy for myself...


Pinkerton

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I have been working on myself for a while now, and have built myself up to a point where I'm finally working in a decently paying job that aligns with my field of expertise... I'm an artist, and for the past month I've been working at a "Drink and Paint" franchise where you guide people step by step through painting. It's supposed to be fun and I'm supposed to be happy.... but I can't seem to get there. Work doesn't even go badly or is particularly stressful, it just takes a lot out of me to do it. Some days are fine and I feel like a shining star about it, but some days I am completely distraught with panic attacks either before or after I have to go into work.

 

My friend says I get this "imposter syndrome" where I suddenly don't believe in myself or my ability to do a good job at work. It's kind of true. That belief racks me with anxiety... and then I start getting mad because I have anxiety in the first place. I get so down on myself, like "why me? why am I broken? why do i feel this way? why can't I control it?" I get so mad about the controlling part. All I want is to feel like a normal person and not have a break down every time I go into work, or do anything slightly uncomfortable. It gets me to a very low and dark place, and sometimes I even get suicidal ideation... "I am a broken person and will always be broken, so what's the point?" The panic attacks are so severe that I will be mentally and physically effected by it for days afterwards (hypervigilant, disassociated, fight or flight feelings) and I'm just so frustrated about it, I don't know what to do. People say I'm too hard on myself but I think I have it too easy. I just get so mad that I can't function like other people appear to. I just want to be happy and enjoy my work, because it does play on all my strengths! I want to get to a place where I can relax and feel comfortable.

 

They put me on the schedule almost every day this month and I'm kind of freaking out about it. I got to get past this somehow or it's going to be a very taxing month. That's if I don't walk out on them after another one of my freak outs. It just sucks that I can't seem to control this self sabotaging behavior. Any tips or advice for me? I really need to come to a place where I can relax and appreciate what I have.

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Sorry to hear this. Maybe the "drink" part of it is contributing to health and anxiety issues?

 

Try not to confuse make-believe diagnoses like "impostor syndrome" with serious mood issues that really warrant a doctor's thorough work up and appropriate referrals for medications and ongoing therapy.

I've been working at a "Drink and Paint" franchise and sometimes I even get suicidal ideation..The panic attacks are so severe that I will be mentally and physically effected by it for days afterwards hypervigilant, disassociated, fight or flight feelings
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Thank you for your reply Wiseman. I will clarify that I never ingest alcohol at work. In general I quit because I did notice it was effecting my mood. I imbibe in a drink every now and then, but focus mainly on the painting part when I'm working.

 

I used to goto therapy but "graduated" out of it because I was doing better. Honestly it might be time for me to go back.

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Okay, this sounds like good old plain old burnout to me. And yes, it can happen even in the best of circumstances.

 

You need to ask them for more time off or just take a day now and again to go chill and do nothing. Go for walks at night after you get off work to clear your mind. Find a guilty pleasure movie or book and set a time if you have to simply sit and enjoy it and during that time you aren't going to do anything else.

 

Also Tai Chi is an amazing tool to help you relax and be mindful, to slow things down, and be in the moment. Iv'e started doing that, because February my depression and anxiety kicks into high gear and tends to ride me until May. Tai Chi is helping me with that in a way nothing else really ever has, so I recommend it. I don't even take classes, I just bought a DVD and do it at home by myself.

 

Those are my suggestions. But you need to find what works for you to "decompress" so to speak after work. The whole fear of "Gee man, I don't think I'm that good and sooner or later they're all gonna catch on?" is something a lot of people have, myself included. When you find yourself doing that focus instead on the task to hand and just try to blank it and not give into it. Obviously you are good or you wouldn't be able to work as an artist, but that's a pretty normal feeling for lots of people. I don't think it makes you broken, I think it makes you human is all.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I recently came across an article that I thought was so helpful, I hope i can post links in here, /

 

i get this pre work anxiety really bad sometimes, it starts with me getting super nostalgic, ill be walking to work looking at others or even at work and just get to thinking way too much. i moved and had to get a new job, and knowing myself, i made SURE i stuck up for myself and put my foot down about the schedule i NEEDED for my sanity, full time, but weekends off, and morning/day shifts only. i can't tell you how much that helped. i am a massage therapist, so id just go in, get my files on clients for the day, do my work, go home. and it was SO much more enjoyable then i could have ever imagined a JOB being. but then i STILL had pre work anxiety somedays for absolutely NO reason! haha, i was like WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS . but once i got there i just focus and try to be in the moments as they go by. i think its great your an artist and are working in a creative place, but i think you need to adjust your schedule to suit you, and if it doesn't get more enjoyable you should find another job. the way i see it, I'm already emotional, and geared towards anxiety and irritability, so i try to be mindful of whats going to make life easier for me every day.

 

I'm an artist too, sometimes these passionate creative souls come with a lot of emotions and it can get super overwhelming. i find that when i get depressed or unwell, super stressed, instead of being an outlet, my motivation to create disappears. before i moved i was apart of a community of extremely talented people, i mean AMAZING artists, dancers, people who could make clothes, musicians, painters, jewelers... i couldn't help but compare myself and it KILLED my creativity. writers block times a billion, and when you have that artistic soul and suddenly feel like you can't create because you suck, its terrible. i tried so hard to embrace their work for what it was and be inspired instead and figure out why i was literally just bringing myself down, because honestly no one else was. i had to just LET GO, i still do, every day. i put my canvas away and got some clay instead, i dove into a WHOLE new type of art and i feel a lot better. I've been collecting jars and making beautiful, crazy weird things. i still get down on painting sometimes, it something i gotta work on. but now i know at least I'm being to critical and technical on myself. why do we do art? to be the best, perfect, to make the most money and the best paintings? those are all crap reasons in my opinion. I've taken and taught wine and painting class and i always say start with your non dominant hand, let go, a girl said ugh mine looks like sh** but what does that really mean? EMBRACE that and go with it, start over if you want, whatever. sometimes i remind of that quote, don't take life so seriously, none of us are getting out alive anyways.

 

going back to therapy might be nice, maybe just a few sessions to make sure your feeling supported and to reground. wether its just burn out or something more intense, you can handle it. you already sound so aware of yourself and i know you care and love yourself because your on here talking to people trying to feel better. try to work on your work schedule, let them know you need to change it a little, you must be an asset with them scheduling you so much! maybe try a new kind of art too, an easy and fun project you can get super creative with, something you can put in your room and feel happy to look at. i hope that article goes through and helps you like it helped me. i also recently got back into reading, just funny novels, nothing to heavy, i highly recommend it, you can take a little brain vacation literally anywhere and not look so lonely while eating out alone haha

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