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after 10 years absent, i found my sons dad.


momofboys

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and its minding##### me.

so my son will be 11 on the 9th he is the result of a relationship i had in my 20s, i was very in love with his father, but we lived in toronto and partied a lot, and when i got pregnant, i left an came back to saskatchewan because i knew i wouldnt be able to quit the party life if i didnt.

 

so every year i google him and try to find him, its become a tradition almost, i could never find an online trace of him. i got used to that, and told my son what i could, ive been married and had more sons and then divorced, and since the divorce and as he gets older, he asks more and more questions i cant answer.

so a few days ago i went and looked again, and i found a number and i called it, and an older lady answered and i asked if he was there, and she not right now....i asked if she had a number to reach him at and she gave it to me...and i called him, and it was him.

 

only one person has that voice, one i have never forgotten.

i did not expect the surge of emotion that elicited in me, so now not only am i freaking out because this is huge for my son, but my emotions are being all weird, and his dad is really happy i contacted him and i guess hes never had kids, so, hes been thinking about him.

 

he asked for the weekend to process this and i respect that, his heads probably spinning.

 

my head is spinning

 

i live in central canada and hes in eastern canada so, like, how will this even work? what should i expect?

eep

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It depends. Are you doing this to reunite father and son or reignite an old flame? Yes wait for him to process this. Did he know you were pregnant when you left?

 

Can you start a bit slower? Maybe sending a pic of your son or inviting him on fb?

 

Most importantly did your son consider your exhusband a dad? Does he know his biological father is someone out there?

 

Perhaps your first consideration could be the effect on your son of this news.

so my son will be 11 on the 9th he is the result of a relationship i had in my 20s. ive been married and had more sons and then divorced, and since the divorce and as he gets older, he asks more and more questions i cant answer. i live in central canada and hes in eastern canada so, like, how will this even work? what should i expect?

eep

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It depends. Are you doing this to reunite father and son or reignite an old flame? Yes wait for him to process this. Did he know you were pregnant when you left? no, i honestly didnt even expect to find him, i look for my son, and out of curiosity and because he deserves to know who his father is and his father deserves a chance to get to know him too, the emotions were unexpected, and yes he knew i was pregnant when i left.

 

Can you start a bit slower? Maybe sending a pic of your son or inviting him on fb? i did send him some photos, hes not on fb but i have suggested facetime chats when he is ready

 

Most importantly did your son consider your exhusband a dad? Does he know his biological father is someone out there? my son has known for a few years that ex husband wasnt his dad, and to be honest, my ex does the favoritism thing when it comes to the kids, and favors his bio kids we have together, my son notices this, and as a result he does really like my ex, his stepdad.

i have to force him to go with his brothers on the weekends because until now, thats the only dad hes ever had, you know? so i try to encourage his relationship with my ex, but ...**shrugs. sighs** he wants to know his REAL dad, kids get their absent parent all built up in their head and...

 

Perhaps your first consideration could be the effect on your son of this news. my son is handling this like a champ, he does know ive found him and that it will take some time for his dad to process this and he gets it, hes such a good kid, hes so smart and sweet. if his dad lets him down i swear to god.

 

 

hope this helps explain it a bit

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Excellent. Allow things to unfold over time between your son and his dad.

no, i honestly didnt even expect to find him, i look for my son, and out of curiosity and because he deserves to know who his father is and his father deserves a chance to get to know him too, the emotions were unexpected, and yes he knew i was pregnant when i left.

 

my son has known for a few years that ex husband wasnt his dad, and to be honest, my ex does the favoritism thing when it comes to the kids, and favors his bio kids we have together, my son notices this, and as a result he does really like my ex, his stepdad.he wants to know his REAL dad.

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Wait, did you know you were pregnant when you left the city originally?

 

yes he did and please don't judge, but we were addicts, and the only way i knew for sure i could give my son a good life was by removing myself from that environment and going home to the farm, he stayed lost in addiction a few more years, he told me has 8 years clean now, and that is good for my heart to hear.

i had to leave,although i wish i hadnt lost touch with him, but ive become a better person and im a good mother, educated, ect.

im not proud of who i used to be but proud of who i am today

( i have just over 11 years clean now)

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I think the confusion is it sounds like you told your son you were married to this guy and somehow managed to have more kids and then got divorced and have been lying to your son and he's catching on?

 

(If what I'm saying is confusing then you can understand why we are confused)

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I think the confusion is it sounds like you told your son you were married to this guy and somehow managed to have more kids and then got divorced and have been lying to your son and he's catching on?

 

(If what I'm saying is confusing then you can understand why we are confused)

 

i met my now ex husband (so his step dad) before my son was a year old and until the divorce, we didnt really talk about it, he had a dad, and his bio dad never showed up looking for him.

i mean i still looked, but my ex would get mad at me just for looking.

when we were divorcing, my son overheard a conversation he wasnt meant to hear, and my ex said some things my son should have never heard, by this time he was just about 9, and i figured it was time to tell him, because he was old enough to know.

hes not mad at me, or his bio dad, i explained as best i could without going into details. hes a smart kid and seems to understand but as time has passed hes been asking more and more questions, asked if i could find him ect

he doesnt really want anything to do with my ex husband anymore, and hasnt for quite a while now.

and that my exs fault, he makes no effort when it comes to him, like his room at his dads is just a mattress on the floor and a dresser and a closet full of random .

his little brothers have a bunkbed, a tv, video games and toys in their room.

ive talked to ex about it, he makes 3x more than me and acts like he cant afford furniture? seriously? and he wonders why he doesnt even want to go anymore

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Why does your son go stay at your ex husbands house??? He isn't his bio dad??

 

well when i left my ex husband, it was the custody agreement, how does someone parent a child for 9 years and the and just stop? i think dads are important, especially to sons, and he was the only dad he has ever had, and he has 2 younger brothers who go every weekend, i mean....thats the person who has been there and been his DAD.(even though he is lackluster)

even if he isnt bio dad.

i just found bio dad 3 days ago, and i honest to god HAVE looked for him in the past.

i wish i had been able to find him sooner, i feel bad that haven't known each other, but better late than never

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Why does your son go stay at your ex husbands house??? He isn't his bio dad??

 

? He's the only dad he's known, and is the man that has raised him

 

But he can't play daddy and then play favorites.

 

Parents sometimes do have favorites. It's not great for the children, but it happens.

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All I'm saying is OP doesn't have a legal obligation to joint custody. If she believed her son's feelings get hurt with the disparity at his step fathers house, he doesn't need to STAY there. They can still hang out and go to the zoo or whatever they do. But I'm sure the favoritism hurts and is confusing. It's her job to protect her son.

 

I get this guy effectively raised him. I get that. I don't discount that and never did. I'm saying he can't just lay claim to your son and then not treat him well.

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All I'm saying is OP doesn't have a legal obligation to joint custody. If she believed her son's feelings get hurt with the disparity at his step fathers house, he doesn't need to STAY there. They can still hang out and go to the zoo or whatever they do. But I'm sure the favoritism hurts and is confusing. It's her job to protect her son.

 

I get this guy effectively raised him. I get that. I don't discount that and never did. I'm saying he can't just lay claim to your son and then not treat him well.

 

i have no control over how my ex behaves.

and ive had to come to terms with that.

he is emotionally unintelligent, and a narcissist. trying to talk to him about how he interacts with the kids is pointless.

its like talking to myself.

 

and yes he does have rights to visitation, and seeing as before 4 days ago there was no bio dad in the picture, i did what was best for my child and encouraged a relationship with the father he did have.

 

i just try to be a good mom. thats all i can do

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Have you talked with your son about his hopes and expectations if his bio dad is in the picture?

 

well the truth is, toronto and sask are really far apart, so being the logical kid he is, hes open to whatever happens and is trying not to expect too much, neither of us knows what bio dad will want, although it sounds like he wants to get know his son, so i dont really know how its going to work, but im willing to "meet him half way" on any effort he makes and help make it easier for them to connect.

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I can see things from the step dad's perspective as well, I am not necessarily convinced he's all that bad of a guy from what has been presented here. The way you're talking about your "flame" it doesn't look like you've ever really let go of him. It is understandable he would wonder about why you would be looking for him. Was it about trying to find the "real" father, or about something else? Things like that can cause emotional turmoil.

 

It is not all that clear how much your son wants to know his real dad or this has become this much bigger issue that it should have been because it looks like this is a much bigger issue for you.

 

I would think about separating out the two issues about your relationship with your old flame which is mostly in your mind, your son's with his biological dad. The two relationships are different. The first one is your relationship and the second is your son's relationship. Right now it sort of looks like you are using your son as a method to rekindle something. This isn't fair to your son and I am not so sure you're being fair to your ex who it looks like stepped up and is the only father he has ever known.

 

I am not so sure you're interested or ever wanted there to be a relationship between your son and step dad. I think your ex was right to suspect that your son was this connection you had to your first flame and in some ways it was always thrown in his face, though perhaps not overtly.

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I can see things from the step dad's perspective as well, I am not necessarily convinced he's all that bad of a guy from what has been presented here. The way you're talking about your "flame" it doesn't look like you've ever really let go of him. It is understandable he would wonder about why you would be looking for him. Was it about trying to find the "real" father, or about something else? Things like that can cause emotional turmoil.

 

It is not all that clear how much your son wants to know his real dad or this has become this much bigger issue that it should have been because it looks like this is a much bigger issue for you.

 

I would think about separating out the two issues about your relationship with your old flame which is mostly in your mind, your son's with his biological dad. The two relationships are different. The first one is your relationship and the second is your son's relationship. Right now it sort of looks like you are using your son as a method to rekindle something. This isn't fair to your son and I am not so sure you're being fair to your ex who it looks like stepped up and is the only father he has ever known.

 

I am not so sure you're interested or ever wanted there to be a relationship between your son and step dad. I think your ex was right to suspect that your son was this connection you had to your first flame and in some ways it was always thrown in his face, though perhaps not overtly.

 

 

i think you are reading a lot into this that isnt there.....

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