Is it okay for a parent to force a child to keep secrets about cheating?

Basically just a simple yes or no question. If a child (someone under the age of eighteen), knows that one of their parents cheated and the parent used force or threats to make sure their child never told the other parent that they cheated, is this right?

It is never OK to threaten someone to keep secrets . That then places responsibility on someone that they should never have .

No, so obviously no! Not right at all.

As I completely agree, thank you for your feedback!

the parent used force or threats

Regardless of the parent's agenda, this is unacceptable.

No and it shows how little the parent cares about the child.

Cheaters are extremely selfish and will say anything to hide their betrayal.

Lost

Assuming they are married living together (otherwise it's not cheating) the child answers to both parents and can talk to either one about anything they want.

Interestingly the child has the upper hand and can equally threaten to out the cheater.

Basically just a simple yes or no question. If a child (someone under the age of eighteen), knows that one of their parents cheated and the parent used force or threats to make sure their child never told the other parent that they cheated, is this right?

No and it shows how little the parent cares about the child.

 

Cheaters are extremely selfish and will say anything to hide their betrayal.

 

Lost

Parents as bullies. Heinous.

The kid could extort the cheater for a pony, no chores, no bedtime, no homework, more allowance, dessert for dinner, etc..

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While their marriage is their business, infidelity included, threatening isn't acceptable.

No, it is harmful to the children.

HOWEVER your question raises a more important point. Right or wrong is irrelevant, unless you are the one gagging your kids. If its you, stop that. Stop it now, and if you want advice how else to manage your secret life, i don't mind helping with that.

It isn't you, is it. And that gets to my point.

Let the other person say whatever. I say "let" but it isn't your choice at all. "Don't tell mom about my gf, and if you do, i won't let you drive" will become powerless over time. Ignore it. Let go of your anger over it. Let go of your desire to teach someone else right and wrong. It is a fruitless exercise.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing is to give your kids a safe haven. Put their needs first.

Kids, i want to take a minute to tell you something. You might find yourselves in a tough spot, not sure whether to tell me things or not tell me things. Even if it has to do with me or people I know. Let me assure you that you are under no obligation to tell me things. You are under no obligation to keep secrets either. If you have something you would like to share and you want to keep it just between us, i can do that. If it is hard for me to hear, that is okay. I have a support system for that. I will take care of myself. As your parent, i am part of YOUR support system. You come first. I can help lighten the load of burdens in your life.

Then hang around. Quietly. Gently. Kindly. Doing something else, so its less intense. Be a safe haven for them.

And live up to your commitment. Never ever let on your anger at the person who may have asked them to keep secrets. Never ever rat your kids out. Always protect them from your chaos by being stable steady and happy. Over the long haul, our true character shows itself. This is the way to succeed in this situation.

Lol no. Not even.

You said by force, do you mean through physical harm you if you expose them? Has this been done so before? If not, they may be full of bs but maybe not. I would definitely tell the poor parent that's been cheated on and keep your phone handy for any immediate threats in order to contact the police. Who knows, perhaps that parent will act quick and get both of you away from such an abuser before anything happens. Please do tell the threats you received as well. Even to the authorities right now.

It is a bit of a loaded question, it is not ok for any parent to involve their children in their marital affairs. Another problem with the question is the word "child". There are children, teens and adults. A teen would have a much different understanding of these issues than a child under 11 for example. So yes there are a lot of different dynamics and it is a poorly worded question to seek a particular answer. Obviously it is not OK to threaten a child for any reason regardless of the issue. I would say back to the drawing board with your question. Questions should be asked in a fair manner not to seek a particular agenda.

We've always had a "no secret policy" in our house...if someone says something must be kept a secret, it's usually a good idea to tell an adult...and if an adult says it's a secret...and it's not for a surprise or present...then it really needs to be told. If someone ever says, "I'll hurt you or hurt someone else, or myself if you tell anyone" the secret must be told immediately.

Kids cannot have secrets like this. Threatening them to keep silent is abuse and should never be tolerated.

I hope the kid that was threatened, disowns the parent that threatened them.

..if someone says something must be kept a secret, it's usually a good idea to tell an adult

 

...and if an adult says it's a secret...and it's not for a surprise or present...then it really needs to be told.

 

If someone ever says, "I'll hurt you or hurt someone else, or myself if you tell anyone" the secret must be told immediately.

 

Brilliantly said.

Asking a child to carry the burden of a secret such as this is abusive.

I disagree as much with it being a necessary secret to share as I do with threatening the child should they decide to share. It's never the child's responsibility to inform either parent of their marriage's integrity.

Regardless, any half-decent parent and human being would resolve it themselves rather than have the child choose either way.

I disagree as much with it being a necessary secret to share as I do with threatening the child should they decide to share. It's never the child's responsibility to inform either parent of their marriage's integrity.

 

Regardless, any half-decent parent and human being would resolve it themselves rather than have the child choose either way.

When mine were asked to keep it a secret, they were told not to say anything because mom might not want to hear it; it might make her feel bad.

They wanted to tell me what activities they had done, and struggled with the advice they were given. I told them they could tell me anything, much as I had written in my post. They began to blossom with stories. Then I had to be careful, because they went through a stage of pleasing me with stories of her awfulness. And pleasing him with how much they enjoyed their time with him. They were trying to please each of us, poor things. I waited that out, letting them talk and talk and talk and reacting as little as possible to what they said. Eventually, it sorted so that I could help them with their pain at feeling rejected by their father and diminished by his gf (!) and comfort that they didn't have responsibility to protect either one of us. It took a while.

I waited.. letting them talk and talk and talk and reacting as little as possible to what they said. Eventually, it sorted so that I could help them with their pain

Youse a good mama!

Wow, someone is in a heap of trouble. How did the child find out you cheated?

Youse a good mama!

Thanks. I think so too. Makes me so very happy.

Thanks. I think so too. Makes me so very happy.

I sincerely commend you.

Good parents make *all* our lives better.

To clarify, no, I am definitely not the parent. This is something very unfortunate that happened to someone very important to me and the burden of knowing about her mother with different men and being told not to tell has had a very hard impact on her life. If at any point she could not handle the pressure of knowing about these other men she was threatened and made out to be a liar to others. She has developed severe anxiety which she seeks treatment for. I wanted to ask this question to show her that she is not crazy or psychotic (as her parent has made her out to be) and to reassure her that it was NOT okay for her to be involved with either knowing about what was being done behind her step-father's back or being physically present while it was happening and being forced to keep quiet or more lies would be spread about her and her state of "mental health". After many many years of guilt she could no longer handle it and had to tell the truth, and she is now being told she is in the wrong. But again, my question was is it APPROPRIATE for a parent to tell their child about the cheating or to physically bring the child with her so she can cheat. I would like to continue saying that was very WRONG for a mother to do to their child and no, no parent should ever leave that burden on somebody else, especially someone innocent in the situation, yet blame the child for their faults.