Dealing with a partner who's so laid back nothings getting done!

hey, i'll try to keep this short as i can...

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and we talked about moving in together later this year, however it's been brought forward due to necessity because her rental property has been sold and she's been given notice to move out.

Prior to this it's clear we've got different perspective's on organisation and pro-activeness to address things like the "life admin" stuff, however when i've raised this she's explained she got into a routine as it's just been her to look after for years and she felt she'd come around to it. She also said she's overly organised at work and doesn't feel up to it at home too. Prior to the house issue it was mainly about lack of cleaning or cooking that was done and having to pick up chores in another persons house that wasn't down to me.

Despite not being the one who'll be homeless I seem to be driving finding somewhere having been the only person to go on viewings and even putting a deposit down on one. Financially i'm fronting most of it too as shes never saved alot so can't afford the fee's let alone the fixtures we need, although she agreed with paying me back monthly from the rent difference two people will save.

Final sort of blow came today when I asked about the reference emails the agent had sent (as i've completed mine and sent them off), she'd not even checked and turns out she needs to get information that her parents probably have (birth cert). I'm unfortunately at a wits end now, on top of this i'm trying to adjust to a busy new job, sort some minor health problems out and study for exams through work. I don't really know what to do now as I'm even concerned it'll be worse when we live together.

hey, i'll try to keep this short as i can...

 

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and we talked about moving in together later this year, however it's been brought forward due to necessity because her rental property has been sold and she's been given notice to move out.

 

Prior to this it's clear we've got different perspective's on organisation and pro-activeness to address things like the "life admin" stuff, however when i've raised this she's explained she got into a routine as it's just been her to look after for years and she felt she'd come around to it. She also said she's overly organised at work and doesn't feel up to it at home too. Prior to the house issue it was mainly about lack of cleaning or cooking that was done and having to pick up chores in another persons house that wasn't down to me.

 

Despite not being the one who'll be homeless I seem to be driving finding somewhere having been the only person to go on viewings and even putting a deposit down on one. Financially i'm fronting most of it too as shes never saved alot so can't afford the fee's let alone the fixtures we need, although she agreed with paying me back monthly from the rent difference two people will save.

 

Final sort of blow came today when I asked about the reference emails the agent had sent (as i've completed mine and sent them off), she'd not even checked and turns out she needs to get information that her parents probably have (birth cert). I'm unfortunately at a wits end now, on top of this i'm trying to adjust to a busy new job, sort some minor health problems out and study for exams through work. I don't really know what to do now as I'm even concerned it'll be worse when we live together.

Excuse me? What? Is she kidding? Also, why do you want to move in with her.

If you are incompatible on values, lifestyle, organizing etc. before moving in together it will only get worse.

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and we talked about moving in together later this year, however it's been brought forward due to necessity because her rental property has been sold and she's been given notice to move out.Prior to the house issue it was mainly about lack of cleaning or cooking that was done and having to pick up chores in another persons house that wasn't down to me. I don't really know what to do now as I'm even concerned it'll be worse when we live together.

]

These are the magical words you need to hear, before proceeding!

although she agreed with paying me back monthly from the rent difference two people will save.

Honestly, given how disengaged from the entire process she's been so far, I wouldn't bet on her having the rent ready for you, let alone any extra.

It really sounds like you're either going to have to accept a certain level of slob living (assuming you're not compulsive about tidyness), or you're going to end up doing all the chores too.

Regarding cleaning and cooking, what you see is exactly what you get. If she is a slob, she is a slob. You aren't going to change that and if you are tidy, you will be the one doing the constant clean up after her.

Regarding the new place, looking, paperwork, etc. I think you need to quit running around making decisions for the both of you and actually sit down and have a real heart to heart discussion about what is going on with her lack of interest, initiative, and response. Just like you seem to be having some misgivings about moving in together, she might be too. I mean she is living on her own and has been paying her rent and bills just fine. If she wasn't, she would have been evicted long ago. So it's not like she isn't capable of taking care of what matters. It would seem more like she is not doing it in this case for whatever reason and is not saying anything to you either.

Honestly when i agreed it seemed like a good idea and maybe naively I hoped things will/would improve as at times she does come back having done things off her own back. Maybe it's pre-moving in nerves but things are seeming more stressful as time goes on

Could she be depressed?

My boyfriend is laid back and it drives me crazy sometimes. Have you considered taking a step back and living at her place before finding a place together or would that not be possible in your current situation?

The fact that someone needs to move is not a good reason to move in together. I would suggest she finds another rental just like she found one before she met you - with a female roommate if she can't find something affordable. Moving in should happen when you have decided that she is the one and are ready to move forward on a engagement, etc, - not "your lease is up". It will only lead to misery here. Have her find a rental and work on figuring out your differences in compatibility. That's just my two cents.

Agree. Don't feel pressured by circumstances. Sliding into this for her rental convenience is a horrible reason to live together.

Honestly when i agreed it seemed like a good idea and maybe naively I hoped things will/would improve as at times she does come back having done things off her own back.