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Disagreements, a healthy sign of good communication?


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I'd be interested in your opinions about disagreements in a LTR/marriage, ie: frequency, how much is too much? What if you rarely argue, does it mean words are being left unsaid? If a couple doesn't argue- does that mean a stronger compatibility? Or does it mean if a couple argues often that they are communicating in an open and honest and healthy way, without suppressing real emotions..leading to further built up resentment)

 

A little background...

 

In past relationships, we rarely argued (once every 4/5 months). In my current relationship, we have disagreements about once a month, and it's always over trivial stuff. We communicate very well, but we're both sensitive and sometimes the feathers get ruffled (we both hate being in the wrong) so our arguments almost always go like this, using a simple very trivial example:

 

Spouse 1: "If you would just put the glass in the dishwasher, it wouldn't have gotten knocked over and broken in the first place"

Spouse 2: "Ya, but just last week, you broke a plate"

Spouse 1: "Ya, but you broke my favourite glass!"

Spouse 2: "Well, it's not like I wanted to break it"

Spouse 1: "I wish you could just be more considerate to me"

Spouse 2: "It's just a glass! ... "

this continues for an hour (one walking away hoping to move on from the conversation, another getting quiet and recluse)

 

Sometimes we wonder if the argument isn't really about the broken glass, but about a much deeper issue.

 

Either way, we make up, and things are good afterwards. We both rationalize later that we are happy we argue about trivial things rather than larger issues.

 

So read my first paragraph again and I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

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Your example comes across like complete failure to communicate about actual issues in your relationship. Instead you have built up resentments overflowing resulting in sniping at each other and hitting below the belt. You say you communicate well, I beg to differ. There is a colossal failure to communicate between the two of you that results in these kinds of passive aggressive eruptions on a regular basis.

 

To me personally, frequent arguments and disagreements are a sign of incompatibility. Expressing a difference of opinion over an issue is not the same thing as frequent arguing. When you are compatible, you don't have much to argue about because you mostly see eye to eye on things. The key to compatibility and healthy relationships is that you can both freely express your differences, hear each other out and either agree to disagree or you are able to work out a compromise, if it's something that requires mutual buy in.

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Sometimes we wonder if the argument isn't really about the broken glass, but about a much deeper issue.

 

You can choose to resolve the deeper issues, in which case you don't need to spend your energy arguing about trivial things which can't be helped anyway (no amount of arguing is going to fix that glass; nor are counter-accusations). Sometimes this is very difficult and can't be done without outside help, which is where relationship counselling comes into its own.

 

Or you can carry on skirting around issues, as you say, with one trying to walk away from the conversation by changing the subject and the other withdrawing. If true intimacy and emotional honesty feels scary - which it does when you're not used to it! - then having this kind of bickering is a way of staying close to another person without feeling vulnerable, and it keeps the distance. Some couples thrive on this.

 

I personally find this kind of thing exhausting to listen to, let alone be involved in, but it does serve a function to some.

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"...in a LTR/marriage"

- LTR's are not marriage.

 

If married:

Spouse 1: "If you would just put the glass in the dishwasher, it wouldn't have gotten knocked over and broken in the first place"

Spouse 2: "Sorry! From now on i will make the extra effort needed to get them in there. It might take me awhile, but don't worry, I'll get it."

Spouse 1: She might repeat #1 but stay calm, and say you're sorry again.

 

With this approach, most, if not all fighting will end.

You too will begin to understand what real love is.

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need to clarify here...

I presented the discussion with use of a fictional example, but I now realize I should have left it out of the post. I included the example because I wanted to keep my anonymity by not revealing the trivial conversation we actually had.

 

What I am really interested in, is your thoughts on the first paragraph.

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Some people are into chronic bickering, some are not. If both enjoy it then it works, but if one person finds it pointless nagging or picking fights then it doesn't work.

 

Personally, making an issue out of everything is as much fun as being stuck in traffic going nowhere and building frustration, I would get off at the next exit.

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My thoughts stand - frequent arguing is a sign of poor communication and incompatibility. Since it takes two to argue, it's also an indication that both people have poor conflict resolution skills. Lester's example illustrates beautifully how one person acknowledging the other person's upset reaction can quickly end the situation. Your example is good on showing how two people can fuel conflict. It doesn't matter that both examples are fictional. The point stands.

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My thoughts stand - frequent arguing is a sign of poor communication and incompatibility.

 

How much is frequent? Once every _____

 

My Mom and Dad have been married for over 50 years and love each other very much. They are best friends, but they still argue every few months or so.

I also dated a girl in high school who said her parents never argued. I thought that was impossible and unhealthy.

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My thoughts stand - frequent arguing is a sign of poor communication and incompatibility. Since it takes two to argue, it's also an indication that both people have poor conflict resolution skills. Lester's example illustrates beautifully how one person acknowledging the other person's upset reaction can quickly end the situation. Your example is good on showing how two people can fuel conflict. It doesn't matter that both examples are fictional. The point stands.

 

Thanks DancingFool.

I really like Lester's example on how to de-escalate a conflict quickly. ,...

Spouse 1: "If you would just put the glass in the dishwasher, it wouldn't have gotten knocked over and broken in the first place"

Spouse 2: "Sorry! From now on i will make the extra effort needed to get them in there. It might take me awhile, but don't worry, I'll get it."

Spouse 1: She might repeat #1 but stay calm, and say you're sorry again.

 

I take the Spouse 2 route when I am in the wrong. When I make a mistake, I accept the blame and work really hard at making changes. I even inject humor and self-deprecating which really helps us move on quickly. This I feel is the loving thing to do.

However, when I find myself in Spouse 1 role, my spouse never apologizes or accepts blame, and rarely says she'll take steps to improve. It get's frustrating. How does one get around that?

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Are you actually asking what communication might look like in a healthy relationship?

 

More of ....Is arguing healthy, and what amount is healthy , or is it better for both spouses to let it roll off their shoulders. IOW, is arguing just a part of communication, and is it healthy (of course handling lovingly between the spouses)

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It depends. What the argument is about, frequency, intensity, length, stress caused to each other, etc. Disagreeing over something only every few months or so is not much conflict in the relationship. Constantly arguing every day, week, every other week would be too much conflict in my opinion.

 

Arguing isn't really black and white. People who never argue might be very good at discussing things and resolving their differences quickly and efficiently and in a low key approach. They don't need to scream at each other to resolve things. At the same time, raised voices don't necessarily mean abusive behavior either. Context and content matters.

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It depends whether you want to be right or close. And I don't think a dish washer issue is necessarily trivial. I felt not listened to when I showed my husband and told him how to load our water bottles into the dishwasher so they don't flip over nad fill with hot water. I took my or to show h and when he keeps doing it the wrong way I feel not listened to. But I told him that - that when he does that I feel like he obviously didn't pay attention the first two times. Sometimes it goes on longer when that happens and often it doesn't. I prefer the latter. But it does require checking in with yourself to see if you'd rather be right or close.

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I'd be interested in your opinions about disagreements in a LTR/marriage, ie: frequency, how much is too much? What if you rarely argue, does it mean words are being left unsaid? If a couple doesn't argue- does that mean a stronger compatibility? Or does it mean if a couple argues often that they are communicating in an open and honest and healthy way, without suppressing real emotions..leading to further built up resentment)

 

A little background...

 

In past relationships, we rarely argued (once every 4/5 months). In my current relationship, we have disagreements about once a month, and it's always over trivial stuff. We communicate very well, but we're both sensitive and sometimes the feathers get ruffled (we both hate being in the wrong) so our arguments almost always go like this, using a simple very trivial example:

 

Spouse 1: "If you would just put the glass in the dishwasher, it wouldn't have gotten knocked over and broken in the first place"

Spouse 2: "Ya, but just last week, you broke a plate"

Spouse 1: "Ya, but you broke my favourite glass!"

Spouse 2: "Well, it's not like I wanted to break it"

Spouse 1: "I wish you could just be more considerate to me"

Spouse 2: "It's just a glass! ... "

this continues for an hour (one walking away hoping to move on from the conversation, another getting quiet and recluse)

 

Sometimes we wonder if the argument isn't really about the broken glass, but about a much deeper issue.

 

Either way, we make up, and things are good afterwards. We both rationalize later that we are happy we argue about trivial things rather than larger issues.

 

So read my first paragraph again and I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

 

Whoever said that line, is in the wrong. The correct response should have been "Sorry".

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Okay, first paragraph:

 

"I'd be interested in your opinions about disagreements in a LTR/marriage,..."

- Marriage is vastly different than LTR, so answers to hypothetical questions concerning both won't make sense. (e.g., In marriage, when you vowed to honor her you promised to let her help you reshape into a husband. LTR's make no such promises.)

- Disagreements are normal and to be expected in any union, but handled differently in a genuine marriage. The union is ever changing, but on a single track headed for shared goals. LTR's may have goals, but like a car headed for hoped for a destination, it's a lot easier to stop and get out.

 

"...ie: frequency, how much is too much?"

- Again, disagreements are normal to to be expected. They will decrease as your understanding and genuine love for each other grows.

 

"What if you rarely argue, does it mean words are being left unsaid? If a couple doesn't argue- does that mean a stronger compatibility? Or does it mean if a couple argues often that they are communicating in an open and honest and healthy way, without suppressing real emotions..leading to further built up resentment)"

- Arguing is a symptom of incompatibility, ignorance, bad habits and/or abuse. (Although, mostly ignorance.) It's not healthy, keeps you ignorant, and breaks unions.

 

Is this about you? Are you married?

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I take the Spouse 2 route when I am in the wrong. When I make a mistake, I accept the blame and work really hard at making changes. I even inject humor and self-deprecating which really helps us move on quickly. This I feel is the loving thing to do.

However, when I find myself in Spouse 1 role, my spouse never apologizes or accepts blame, and rarely says she'll take steps to improve. It get's frustrating. How does one get around that?

 

So it sounds like the issue here is not frequency of arguing, but that your partner does not apologize, accept blame, or take steps to improve. That's a big problem in any relationship. You need to acknowledge that this is the issue before you can start to address it. And you need to address this situation directly, or else your needs will continue to be a footnote to you arguments about broken glasses and dishwashers.

 

Spouse 1: "I wish you could just be more considerate to me"

Spouse 2: "It's just a glass! ... "

this continues for an hour (one walking away hoping to move on from the conversation, another getting quiet and recluse)

 

Sometimes we wonder if the argument isn't really about the broken glass, but about a much deeper issue.

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Is this about you? Are you married?

 

Yes and yes. and I see your point about LTR vs. married.

 

Again, disagreements are normal to to be expected. They will decrease as your understanding and genuine love for each other grows

 

I think this is the takeaway. along with following this structure (below) myself in a loving not defensive way and hoping that my spouse can do the same....over time.

 

Spouse 1: "If you would just put the glass in the dishwasher, it wouldn't have gotten knocked over and broken in the first place"

Spouse 2: "Sorry! From now on i will make the extra effort needed to get them in there. It might take me awhile, but don't worry, I'll get it."

Spouse 1: She might repeat #1 but stay calm, and say you're sorry again.

 

Thanks everybody for your responses!

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