Trust vs mistrust

Yesterday my boyfriend (22) of 3 years told me (21) that while we weren't together over a time span of 8 months, he had slept with other people. I understand we weren't together at the time and that we left the relationship with no dialogue that we would get back together anytime soon. I know that we are in college and that it's good he acted on his curiosities as we had never been with / slept with anyone else before this, but it still hurts.

When he told me, he broke down and said he wants to be more open with his feelings and more honest than he's been lately but how can I sit there and say ok? He's kept this secret since August (when he started pursuing me again) until just a couple days ago when he came forward with what had happened. He told me its been so long partly because he just now feels comfortable in our relationship to tell me. He thought if he told me back when we were discussing entering a relationship together again back in August, that I wouldn't have given us a second chance and he would lose me. But it isn't fair he kept it from me. I know that these past 7 months have been better because we were together but I am just scared of how long it's going to take to trust him again. How do I get passed this? I obviously know if I can't, we can't be together as it wouldn't be healthy for us to keep bringing it up but how do I move past this and rebuild my confidence with him again?

Sorry to hear this. It's nonsense to parade his conquests out to you that happened when you broke up. That's not "open and honest", it's TMI.

Then he tells you he initially omitted this TMI to increase the chances of getting back in your pants? Sorry he sounds either very inexperienced, very naive or very immature.

Why did you break up? Have any of those issues been resolved?

When he told me, he broke down and said he wants to be more open with his feelings and more honest than he's been lately.He thought if he told me back when we were discussing entering a relationship together again back in August, that I wouldn't have given us a second chance

Sorry to hear this. It's nonsense to parade his conquests out to you that happened when you broke up. That's not "open and honest", it's TMI.

 

Then he tells you he initially omitted this TMI to increase the chances of getting back in your pants? Sorry he sounds either very inexperienced, very naive or very immature.

 

Why did you break up? Have any of those issues been resolved?

Thank you for your reply!

It wasn't so much as a way of bragging as the way it came across. It was genuine and a very real conversation as he told me how ashamed he was that it had happened and we both held each other while we cried and talked through a lot. The reasoning for telling me definitely didn't come across as parading his conquests but more so telling me because he had been dishonest with me when we'd talked about it in the past.

We broke up because I was new to college, I needed to make friends on my own and do my own thing, as did he. I initiated the break up but it was a mutual understanding. We didn't have any real unresolved problems just that I needed space as he had had it, as he is a year ahead of me in school.

my boyfriend (22) of 3 years told me (21) that while we weren't together over a time span of 8 months, he had slept with other people.

If I asked him for this information, then I'm the foolish one, and if I didn't, I'd consider him a manipulator for telling me. From there, it wouldn't be a matter of trusting him not to sleep with anyone else, it would be a matter of losing respect for him in telling me. I'd view that as a hostile act rather than 'honesty' from someone who stirred the pot on purpose.

From there, I'd go back to the original breakup and stay there. Whatever caused the breakup in the first place just reared its ugly head in the form of that conversation, and I'd consider it a done deal.

Sorry, that's just me.

If he cheated while you were together, that would be a deal breaker. However, if I understood this correctly, he slept with other people when you two weren't together, and had no plans at the time to get back together again - it's not that it continued while you were back together?

I don't understand why he told you in the first place. Once a relationship's ended, one partner does not owe the other a vow of celibacy, and you were as free to date or sleep with others as he was. It was perfectly fair to keep tales of his conquests from you, especially as they were nothing to do with you, or your relationship, and didn't constitute cheating.

However, now he has told you something which has hurt you, for no good reason, unless he's still seeing someone from this period of his life or you need to get tested for STD's. But it doesn't sound as though he is. I personally think sexual history is something which should remain private; I have no wish to know how many previous partners my guy's had, and I'm certainly not prepared to share that part of my history with him.

The only one who has any importance, any significance at all, is your current partner. It also sounds as though you're the only one who matters to him.

All you can do is start from here...