31 and never been on my own because of my mother.

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I just turned 31 and never been on my own because of my mother. Around 7 years ago my mother was in a bad marriage that caused her to lose her job. Since then I've been the one taking care of the family. I'm the second oldest of 4 kids and pretty much the only one who's financially stable. My oldest brother is married with 6 kids, my little brother lives with his girlfriend, and my sister is in college so by default I'm the one my mother is living with. For 7 years I've been taking care of her and I'm so freaking done. She has not gotten back on her feet and I can't take it anymore. I want to be on my own so bad. It really sucks that I can't live a full adult life. I want to invite friends over, girlfriends over, or even throw a little gathering from time to time, but I can't. I feel like I missed out on so much in my life because I have to plan around her. I just recently moved to a new 1 bedroom apartment because she told me she was going to live with her sister in Tennessee, but she didn't go. Now all she does is sit on my brand new expensive couch all day and give me these false promises about not being there long. I love my mother, but I'm just so angry with her right now. Now she's telling me her health issues is preventing her from going to Tennessee right now. I really don't know what to do. Do I kick my own mother out? Please, I really need some advice. I just recently started see this girl and I haven't told her about my situation with my mother. I will love to invite her over sometime, but I just can't. What should I do?

Agree. Mom needs a job and a place of her own. Don't let her continue to manipulate. Take her to social services so she can get food stamps, medical care and housing and employment assistance.

I think it's unfair of her to impose upon you in this way. But you have to put your foot down. You have to tell her what is ok and what 's not ok. You have to draw the lines clearly, and you can't back down. You will probably feel guilty about it. But that doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong, or that you're being mean.

Also, as Wiseman says, when you do help her, help her in ways that promote her independence.

Does your mom have a sister she can live with? Has she been to counseling? At this point, its not your mom's fault. Its one thing for her to be living with you six months to a year, but at 7 years, now the problem is that you enable her. You allow this. I highly suggest that you cut off any luxuries and tell her you can no longer afford them. Does she attend a church that can be made aware that she is looking for a room rental situation? I would tell mom that you would like to meet someone special and eventually marry and cannot do that with your mother living with you and that you are done.

I agree! You do enable her.

Is she looking for work?

Does your mom have a sister she can live with? Has she been to counseling? At this point, its not your mom's fault. Its one thing for her to be living with you six months to a year, but at 7 years, now the problem is that you enable her. You allow this. I highly suggest that you cut off any luxuries and tell her you can no longer afford them. Does she attend a church that can be made aware that she is looking for a room rental situation? I would tell mom that you would like to meet someone special and eventually marry and cannot do that with your mother living with you and that you are done.

She haves a sister in Tennessee who really wants her to move in, but because of health issues, my mother said she can't right now. 7 years is basically how long it's been since my mother worked.

Check the residency laws where you are. You need to serve her an eviction notice and give her 30 days to leave. She's taking advantage of you, and is happy to take advantage of you. She lost a job, yes, but she's had 7 years to find another one. She could have got 2 degree's in that amount of time.

She will suck all your life up if you let her do this.

How old is she? What are the health issues?

How old is she? What are the health issues?

She's 54. She claims to have some type of abdominal pain and she doesn't know the source of the problem. She has been to numerous doctor's appointment but they couldn't find anything so she said she's going to see a specialist in March.

Is she homebound, or does she get out and do things?

if she's dropping to the floor in pain, get her to the ER. if she's not, then she is able to see to her own needs and not have her son "take care" of her for no legitimate reason. has she had a tummy ache for 7 years? No first it was her divorce. then , when you got your own place she picked up on the fact you would appreciate to live independently thankherverymuch, and she came up with a new excuse to "require" you as a nurse for life.

see a social worker and ask about something like Personal Guidance Service. i don't know what precisely it's called in the states, but it's almost like getting a custodian for an adult. the social services offer the person guidance, counseling and support, handle their paperwork and see to their financial stability, if needed they make appointments for them and meet their deadlines etc. it's for people who clearly aren't functioning on their own, but perhaps don't tick the boxes for institutionalized living, or choose to live outside of institutions on their own. it can be temporary, until the person gets back on their feet, or in cases that have a disability or simply persistently avoid meeting responsibilities despite counseling, the arrangement can last indefinitely. it's precisely meant so that family members aren't brought to exhaustion or prevented from living their own life, and so that if the person does end up alone, they don't end up homeless, suicidal or similarly living a life way below norms.

you'll have to ask a social worker, i dunno how they categorize the service where you live but it exists.

Your mother is really taking advantage of you and until you find your backbone and get her moved out, nothing will change. You teach people how to treat you and you've let her walk on you for 7 years. If you have the money, pay her train or bus fare to her sister's place. She needs to move out and soon or she will suck the life out of you.

Sit her down and come up with a plan and deadlines.

Tell her you love her and tell her because you love her, what's best for her is for her to be a vital, productive and independent adult. Not a dependant child of her own child.

Find some resourses, lists of temporary employment services and/or vocational assistance.

Give her a date in which you expect her to be on her feet and out on her own and be firm

A parent would do the same for a child.

She is taking full advantage of you and you are permitting it.

Expect her to continue to play the poor health card and escalate her behavior.

I'm sorry. Shoot I'm in my 50's, productive and active. I have young adult sons and I can't fathom burdening them like this.

It has a feeling of emotional abuse. She plays on your guilt.

She haves a sister in Tennessee who really wants her to move in, but because of health issues, my mother said she can't right now. 7 years is basically how long it's been since my mother worked.

Has the doctor actually written an order that she is not allowed to go on a plane or be in a car for more than an hour? If your aunt wants her to move in with her, then you will need to enlist your aunt to help you - for the aunt to visit and encourage her and maybe even ask her to come up for a couple weeks, etc. Your mother is young. its not like she is 80. What exactly is her diagnosis, do yo know, and how much is lifestyle related?

Has the doctor actually written an order that she is not allowed to go on a plane or be in a car for more than an hour? If your aunt wants her to move in with her, then you will need to enlist your aunt to help you - for the aunt to visit and encourage her and maybe even ask her to come up for a couple weeks, etc. Your mother is young. its not like she is 80. What exactly is her diagnosis, do yo know, and how much is lifestyle related?

She's been to a couple of doctors appointments and they found nothing wrong. She going to see a specialist early March.

Is she homebound, or does she get out and do things?

She takes care of her ex brother-in-law father every Monday and Tuesday. But other than that she's pretty much homebound.

She's been to a couple of doctors appointments and they found nothing wrong. She going to see a specialist early March.

So her health is fine and you are enabling her. Tell her one more time that you need your own space and at a certain date you agree to in cooperation with your aunt, you tell your mom what the date she is moving to your aunt's house is. I would enlist your aunt's help.

She takes care of her ex brother-in-law father every Monday and Tuesday. But other than that she's pretty much homebound.

Someone else can help him. Does she receive money for this, because she is not even part of that family anymore, and if its her ex-brother-in-law's father, it means it the father of her ex husband's sister's husband?

She's been to a couple of doctors appointments and they found nothing wrong. She going to see a specialist early March.

Sounds like a psychological problem and I doubt the specialist will find anything either. I think she uses the "abdominal pain" as an excuse to stay put and has no intentions of moving to her sister's place. Even with abdominal pain, that shouldn't stop one from moving - that is a very very weak excuse. She can get the same medical care there too.

At age 54 she can still easily get a job, but she's living the good life with you, so has no reason to work. Yes, she's using you to the max. You're going to have to use some tough love if you want your life to change.

I suspect you are using your mom as an excuse to blame her for the decisions you have made in your life. I think this because it the easiest thing to do, it is always harder to take personal responsibility for yourself. In some ways it is an easy trap to fall into. Maybe turning 30 was a bit of a wake up call for you and started thinking about the life you imagined for yourself. The good news is 31 is still very young. I would focus much less on the problems your mom might be having, an why she is doing the things she is doing and be a bit more honest with yourself. Everyone here seems to be saying your mom is using you, can you honestly say it isn't you using your mom?

I suspect you are using your mom as an excuse to blame her for the decisions you have made in your life. I think this because it the easiest thing to do, it is always harder to take personal responsibility for yourself. In some ways it is an easy trap to fall into. Maybe turning 30 was a bit of a wake up call for you and started thinking about the life you imagined for yourself. The good news is 31 is still very young. I would focus much less on the problems your mom might be having, an why she is doing the things she is doing and be a bit more honest with yourself. Everyone here seems to be saying your mom is using you, can you honestly say it isn't you using your mom?

Yes I could honestly say it's not me. I worked hard to gain my independence and provide for myself, but I can't grow any further as an adult because I still have to worry about her.

Your mom is - knowingly or unknowingly - manipulating you. Protect yourself from her by getting her out of your apartment. Have her sister come pick her up. Maybe, have her sister claim some need that your mom can fulfill and gives your mom a sense of purpose. "I need someone to help with the grden/grndkids/keep me company ..."

Yes I could honestly say it's not me. I worked hard to gain my independence and provide for myself, but I can't grow any further as an adult because I still have to worry about her.

It is you also because you have been putting up with this and allowing this, there was no "okay mom, to stay here more than a week, i am going to need you to pay x bills, or i need to get a roommate". She has been there this long because you were hoping she'd naturally leave on her own without you saying anything to her, but unfortunately or fortunately, you now have to step up to the plate here. If you can't muster it up to put your foot down and want to be more passive, you tell her that you are moving into a smaller place with one bedroom because you can no longer justify the expense of this place and tell her that she has to go to your aunts or go look for a place. that method is going to give you a lot less growth as a person and is not the preferred method.

Its time to grow further by putting your foot down. you are using her lack of leaving on her own as an excuse not to act. to grow, it has nothing to do with your mom's actions, but your actions now.

I will never, ever understand parents who do this to their adult children.

My mother tried to do this to me, and I was married with babies. She acted like I wanted her dead if I needed to step away to diaper and feed my infants!

This is why I moved hundreds of miles away from my adult kids. My family history (both my mother and grandmother acted like your mother) scares me, and I'm horribly afraid of doing this guilt manipulation trip on my kids.

I'm in my 50s, have serious health issues, and am still able to work! In fact, a couple of years ago I had a job unloading cases of products from trucks and even with my health issues I was able to do that job.

Your mother is manipulating you and being very selfish. I would flat out ask her if she intends for you to sacrifice the rest of your life to support her. Or, if she's willing to do the right thing and let you go so you can live your own life.

Can't you just ask her to sleep on the balcony when your gf comes over? Lol sorry, j/k..

I feel your pain, especially since it's only a 1 bedroom. Agree with others, you should get her to social services. Having said that, you are a good son as other kids would have probably left their mother homeless which is also not right.

Enlist her sister to help move her, put a plan in action, find a comparable specialist in Tennessee. (Just because she doesn't have a diagnosis doesn't mean she doesn't have a health issue; we can't really say.) I commend you for stepping in and helping her, but there's nothing wrong with asking other family members to share in it if she can't handle being on her own. She can round robin, live with each for spell (not ideal for her perhaps, but she doesn't get to call all the shots if she's not independent), or live with her sister, or be a live in caretaker (for example if she cares for others).

My grandparents lived with us at different times, so am sympathetic to multiple generations under one roof (and don't see it as manipulation or a parent "doing" something horrible to a grown child) but you can make choices so that your life works better for you, and have other family members share in the situation. It doesn't matter if they have lives of their own, they are still part of her family.