There's no answer to my problem. Just venting.

This is really hard to put into words becuase I've never said the words to anyone but him

Met a guy. Started dating. I should have broken it off before it even began becuase he was emotionally unavailable, but I didn't. And that's my fault.

We got pregnant 10 months into our relationship. We decided to move in together. Two weeks before the move. I get a call from his ex saying he has been trying to patch up there relationship the whole time we were together. I should have left then. That is my fault.

We moved in together. Suddenly I'm living with this man that I don't trust (which had previously never been an issue. I used to call him the most honest...to a fault... Man I'd ever met). With his then 5 year old daughter. My 4 year old daughter. And I'm 4 months pregnant.

He "worked" on building our relationship for the first three months. But I was still so hurt from him breaking my trust that I nagged and pestered him about any encounters he had with his ex (the mother of the 5 year old). Three months in, she decided she didn't want to share custody of their child any more becuase she didn't want to see him being happy with some else. He blamed me. And has resented me ever since. I should have left then.

Now we have been living together for 9 months. We can't stand each other. We have sex and I cry. We don't talk. He's emotionally cheating on me with his ex who still isn't seeing the 5 year old. I recently found text indicating he went out on a date with another girl when he said he was out alone.

Now we have a three month old. I'm incredibly attached to his daughter and see her as my own. My child calls him daddy and prefers him to me most day. Like little girls tend to do. We are only together becuase of the kids. I can't imagine spending a single night away from my baby, let alone multiple nights a week.

I guess I left out the background that he is severely depressed. He left that part out when we were dating initially too.

Now I'm depressed too. Many days I've contemplated getting underneath the pool cover and forgetting which way is the surface. I've cried every day since feb 3rd. My panic attacks are back. My blood has turned to cement and I can barely function.

It would be so easy for our lives to be perfect. But he just refuses to be happy where he is and is ruining our family. We have good jobs. A nice house on the lake. Three great girls that love us. And so many opportunities that others don't have. But...

I'm making up this fantasy life that doesn't exist to help me get through each day.

I don't want my girls to be fatherless like I was with my biological father. I don't want my girls to have a part time dad like I did with my brothers dad. I don't want these girls to end up like me.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this, it sounds awful.

You have repeated over-and-over that you should have left, yet you are still there? How many people does he have to cheat on you with, before you leave?

Not only is he cheating with the ex, but now with others. It has only gotten worse.

You are not doing your child any favors by exposing her to this environment. Time to stop making excuses and leave.

I think staying in the relationship because of the kids is not an excuse, you need to come up with a decision to leave or seek help. You have too do it now before you loose your self worth. There is no trust in the relationship anymore..i wish you well