Mother with Narcissistic Personality traits

I am looking for people who went through the same thing. I am a 28 y.o. woman and going to psychiatry education myself I discovered in the past year my mother has clear Narcissistic personality traits, if not personality disorder.

 

I always knew something was not right in the way I have been raised, with the family I grew up in. My mother showed mood swings ranging from severe depression to outright mania. However what makes me believe she does not have bipolar disorder but more of a personality disorder is she ticks all the boxes:

 

-Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance: my mother always thought of herself as the best achieving in work, even though she has no degree whatsoever. She could never take orders from anyone even if they were much higher on the carreer rank.

-Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

-Exaggerating your achievements and talents

-Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate: she is preoccupied with looks and status, obsessed with dieting and make up products and she always dissaproves of me as a person because of how I dress which is not upto her standards

-Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people: she looks down upon anyone without a degree, when she doesn't even have one herself

-Requiring constant admiration: she was a true facebook addict and was constantly flirting with guys she didn't know, even though she has been married for over 25 years!

-Having a sense of entitlement: she'll feel like she does not have to wait in line ever, for example in stores and when she does she is seriously irritated about it

-Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations

-Taking advantage of others to get what you want

-Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others: when I was balling my eyes out bc of a bad breakup she would just close the door on me, literally

-Being envious of others and believing others envy you: this is her way of life. She is paranoid about no one ever having good intentions, everyone being jealous of her,..

-Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner: all the time

 

Above that, she seriously disrespects my boundaries to the extent I can't even have a bath without her invading the bathroom ever, her keeping tabs on my bank account!,.. she cannot take any criticism whatsoever.. she even transferred a high amount of money from my to her account recently because she was angry because we told her she should cut down on the nasty remarks she makes all the time towards me and my dad.. projecting remarks like "well when it isnt about you you never want to talk about anything" while it is HER that is like that!! Not me.. i'm a freaking psych in training, I listen to people all the time everyday!!

 

Due to circumstances I went back to living at home a few months ago and now cant seem to find another place to rent or buy.. and this situation is driving me insane! I am desperate for some peace and quiet and no drama!

 

I would like to hear more of people who went through the same .. or even exchange private messages..

 

Thanks, L.

I have a good friend whose mom is a narcissist. Very similar to what you describe. It's hard to establish good boundaries when you are living with someone, but it seems necessary in this case. If nothing else, get your own bank account! So sorry you are going through this. Hopefully giving a name to her behavior will help you understand and protect yourself from her dysfunction.

She could have both a mood disorder and a personality disorder. Because personality disorders are rigid and maladaptive many also have mood swings in response to their construct and poor coping skills. Mood disorders could also just be a co-morbid condition.

 

Of course arguing with any b cluster personality disorders will make you want to blow your brains out. Their train of reason follows it's own course independent of logic. And as far as mood swings, it's impossible to stay on the same page with a moving target, right?

My mother showed mood swings ranging from severe depression to outright mania. However what makes me believe she does not have bipolar disorder but more of a personality disorder is she ticks all the boxes

I just have some difficultly seeing you cut and pasted from the DSM and then applied it to her.

I don't doubt the possibility and this sounds painful.

You say you can't find another place to live? Why is that?

What is "psychiatry education?" Are you a psychiatry resident?

What is "psychiatry education?" Are you a psychiatry resident?

 

Yes I am, sorry didn't know the English translation

I just have some difficultly seeing you cut and pasted from the DSM and then applied it to her.

I don't doubt the possibility and this sounds painful.

You say you can't find another place to live? Why is that?

 

Okay that might have been a bit over the top.. it has been a hard week and I'm in over my head, angry and belittled..

 

I've been looking for a new place to rent for four months now, because in my last place I couldn't take the pets with me that are still living at my parents house. It is not a stable, peaceful situation here so I would really want for them to move with me (cats). Unfortunately nearly every flat owner does not want to rent to me if I bring cats. I am now looking for a place to buy, but would have to buy on my own (I have been single since over a year now).

Is she the one who is paying for your education? If not why does she have access to your bank account.

 

It definitely feels like your mother is troubled one way or the other, how old is she? Is this something that has stemmed from old age?

Is she the one who is paying for your education? If not why does she have access to your bank account.

 

It definitely feels like your mother is troubled one way or the other, how old is she? Is this something that has stemmed from old age?

 

Yes both my parents but mostly my dad does support me financially. I wanted to change to authorization to my account but if I do that chances are my mother will get very, very angry and possibly kick me out.

She might be/she might not be but I find it's easy to "diagnose" when the symptoms/traits are so broad and on such a broad spectrum. You might want to evaluate why you are balancing your priorities as you are if you truly believe that living with your parents is toxic.

Due to circumstances I went back to living at home a few months ago and now cant seem to find another place to rent or buy.. and this situation is driving me insane! I am desperate for some peace and quiet and no drama!

 

I would like to hear more of people who went through the same .. or even exchange private messages..

 

Thanks, L.

 

Having had a similarly 'unbalanced' parent, I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. But there's nothing you can do to change her. You have to find ways to manage the situation and cope with it.

 

Counselling can help a lot, especially when there's no room for your own thoughts in your relationship with your mother. Just being able to articulate yourself to another sane person is such a relief. Does your school have a program that offers therapy?

She could have both a mood disorder and a personality disorder. Because personality disorders are rigid and maladaptive many also have mood swings in response to their construct and poor coping skills. Mood disorders could also just be a co-morbid condition.

 

Of course arguing with any b cluster personality disorders will make you want to blow your brains out. Their train of reason follows it's own course independent of logic. And as far as mood swings, it's impossible to stay on the same page with a moving target, right?

i agree with this. my mother developed a lot of these traits and others through the years. however there were things that lead me to suspect BPD more than NPD...and there was enough to suggest a bunch of other explanations as well. although on the surface she appeared truly narcissistic. and i'll never know because an official diagnosis has never been made. it wouldn't have helped to know anyway.

 

the bottom line i think is that unfortunately there is no merit in putting a name to what the other might have. you'll need to take the focus off of her and find out what you can do to not play along the dynamic she prepares for people, differentiate your role and probably find ways to physically and emotionally distance yourself. i know that with a person like this, you can be as rational and balanced as it goes, and any boundaries will be blatantly disrespected time and again...and that's when your only remaining option is to create a different life for yourself. sometimes that translates to starting with a shoebox apartment or room sharing and sleeping on a yoga mat. when the secondary benefits of putting up with this become poor in comparison to living on a diet of ramen noodles and managing your own life with both the freedom and responsibility that comes with that, you'll find the strength to do it.

I wanted to change to authorization to my account but if I do that chances are my mother will get very, very angry and possibly kick me out.

i know this fear. i think a lot of people don't realize it's a very realistic one. but at the same time, a narcissistic person needs you. badly. you're not the only codependent one here. you'd be surprised how confused they look when you calmly say no for the first time, and reinforce it. say it nicely and change the subject immediately. often, they agree to it. an audience with a spine is better than no audience at all. sometimes they explode and count on that explosion to scare you into compliance. your therapist is your support while you look for a solution. don't wait for the perfect place. get any half-decent place, always keep a list of places that you can rent temporarily if it comes to the worst. you can ask a systemic therapist for advice on how to survive in this kind of system while you look for other options.

 

i know it's hard but don't burn any bridges for now.

I can help!.

 

What mutual interests/characters/qualities do you share?

Having had a similarly 'unbalanced' parent, I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. But there's nothing you can do to change her. You have to find ways to manage the situation and cope with it.

 

Counselling can help a lot, especially when there's no room for your own thoughts in your relationship with your mother. Just being able to articulate yourself to another sane person is such a relief. Does your school have a program that offers therapy?

 

I've been seeing a therapist since almost a year now. She also concludes I should definitely get my own place again but she said I'm taking the appropriate steps (like actively searching for places) and there will have to be some good luck involved..

She might be/she might not be but I find it's easy to "diagnose" when the symptoms/traits are so broad and on such a broad spectrum. You might want to evaluate why you are balancing your priorities as you are if you truly believe that living with your parents is toxic.

 

Good question. As I also discuss this issue with my own therapist she does believe I am taking all the right steps in finding a new place to live again but unfortunately have had some bad luck (landlords not allowing pets, or do allow pets but is too expensive to afford on my own,..). My priorities are that it has at least two rooms, is located in an are between work and family, and that it is pet-safe.

Good question. As I also discuss this issue with my own therapist she does believe I am taking all the right steps in finding a new place to live again but unfortunately have had some bad luck (landlords not allowing pets, or do allow pets but is too expensive to afford on my own,..). My priorities are that it has at least two rooms, is located in an are between work and family, and that it is pet-safe.

 

So then try to have some perspective -you are extremely fortunate to have a free place to stay and you've accepted the downsides of having pets when you are renting. I realize that it's not the best situation with your mother but it's really time to count your blessings.

So then try to have some perspective -you are extremely fortunate to have a free place to stay and you've accepted the downsides of having pets when you are renting. I realize that it's not the best situation with your mother but it's really time to count your blessings.

 

Agreed but this is a difficult situation nonetheless and I was just looking for people who went through the same thing - having your boundaries violated over and over again despite standing up for them.

Agreed but this is a difficult situation nonetheless and I was just looking for people who went through the same thing - having your boundaries violated over and over again despite standing up for them.

 

Yes, many people have gone through this - but do you really think you are standing up for them when you are living there?

I am looking for people who went through the same thing. I am a 28 y.o. woman and going to psychiatry education myself I discovered in the past year my mother has clear Narcissistic personality traits, if not personality disorder.

 

I always knew something was not right in the way I have been raised, with the family I grew up in. My mother showed mood swings ranging from severe depression to outright mania. However what makes me believe she does not have bipolar disorder but more of a personality disorder is she ticks all the boxes:

 

-Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance: my mother always thought of herself as the best achieving in work, even though she has no degree whatsoever. She could never take orders from anyone even if they were much higher on the carreer rank.

-Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

-Exaggerating your achievements and talents

-Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate: she is preoccupied with looks and status, obsessed with dieting and make up products and she always dissaproves of me as a person because of how I dress which is not upto her standards

-Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people: she looks down upon anyone without a degree, when she doesn't even have one herself

-Requiring constant admiration: she was a true facebook addict and was constantly flirting with guys she didn't know, even though she has been married for over 25 years!

-Having a sense of entitlement: she'll feel like she does not have to wait in line ever, for example in stores and when she does she is seriously irritated about it

-Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations

-Taking advantage of others to get what you want

-Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others: when I was balling my eyes out bc of a bad breakup she would just close the door on me, literally

-Being envious of others and believing others envy you: this is her way of life. She is paranoid about no one ever having good intentions, everyone being jealous of her,..

-Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner: all the time

 

Above that, she seriously disrespects my boundaries to the extent I can't even have a bath without her invading the bathroom ever, her keeping tabs on my bank account!,.. she cannot take any criticism whatsoever.. she even transferred a high amount of money from my to her account recently because she was angry because we told her she should cut down on the nasty remarks she makes all the time towards me and my dad.. projecting remarks like "well when it isnt about you you never want to talk about anything" while it is HER that is like that!! Not me.. i'm a freaking psych in training, I listen to people all the time everyday!!

 

Due to circumstances I went back to living at home a few months ago and now cant seem to find another place to rent or buy.. and this situation is driving me insane! I am desperate for some peace and quiet and no drama!

 

I would like to hear more of people who went through the same .. or even exchange private messages..

 

Thanks, L.

 

Codependent no more is the best book I've ever read on this. It helped me a lot. Second on the list "in sheeps clothing". Get out of there as quickly as you can. Removing yourself from the situation is imperative. I feel for you. I have a mother with BPD and there is no where far enough from her. I have court orders that she is never to be on foot on my property. If she comes here she cannot get out of her vehicle. And I tell her and other family nothing about my life. I will say my case is very extreme and my mother is way more out of control than most so I'm not suggesting you go no contact but you need some distance