Helping boyfriend with his fear of Opening up?-need guys perspective

Little back story and please refrain from judgment i just think this is something you need to know to really give me your opinion on him. I recently found that my boyfriend responds to craigslist ads there are no conversations he just responds and thats it.i confronted him and he was crying and i knew he felt bad for hurting me but i didnt give myself enough time to process it before this talk so i approached it wrong and after this talk i still had questions and was still just as hurt and confused and brought it up again this time more serious but also less acting on emotion and more having a serious discussion. This time i think it really hit him because i said it was done we couldnt fix it. He agreed and apologized for the pain, he also begin assuring me that it was about me and that it wasnt about meeting these people it was sort of like a fantasy escape when hes alone with his thoughts. And that he has an issue that he cant forgive himself for walking out on a relationship that took away his chance at being with his son 100%. Now this has nothing to do with the girl purely him being upset that another guy gets to put his son to bed and so on.and the guilt is what he needs to escape from. i told him i needed time to myself and he agreed he would try counseling (although it something he does not believe in at all) because he really does love me. Im usually clingy so i guess at that point when i didnt talk to him all night it really hit him and he wanted to see me the next day i agreed to come for a little bit with boundaries . Once i got there is seemed to be really drunk he plopped down on the bed and just started saying sorry a bunch of times. And that nearly losing me made him have to face things he doesnt want to face in himself. Then he got talking and crying on how his son doesnt call him dad and how he sees the guy lifting his son up as soon as he drops him off and it kills him telling me how his ex moved on two weeks after their breakup and started telling him how good her new guy is with his son. He said i probably just thought of him as this big jerk for what he was doing to me and how i dont understand that it isnt about ing other girls or me not making him happy its about him having to do something so he isnt alone with his thoughts. Then i started to ask him if he wants to stop doing these things he said maybe now that i know maybe i can understand and help because he hasnt told any of this to anyone not even his family. He said that he has all these feelings for me but he cant tell them to me because then i can hold it against him i can throw it back at him if we fight i can hurt him. He said he needs to ask himself if his fear of being "weak" to me by sharing his feelings is stronger than the love he has for me. Then i guess things occurred to him and he said that we need to break up now because i saw him being vulnerable and im going to use it against him i tried assuring him that im not evil i dont try to break people down but he had his mind made up but he didnt walk away he told me he loved me and didnt want to lose this. Now asking the guys how do i help him because since then hes actually brought up that i know this stuff saying things like" things wont be different now that you know all this stuff about me" or " i hate that you sit there thinking you have me all figured out now" (although this seems bad i think its good that he acknowledges i know this yet doesnt walk out )i dont really have him figured out but truth is it doesnt matter what i say he told me we dont need couples counseling but he needs it hes just to pridefull to get it. At this point im not sure what to do i know i probably shouldnt bring these things up myself to him and let him come out when hes ready but im worried that then he wont progress that he wont open up to me and i need him to at some point because right now its a hard time for me too to feel secure and good but i dont wanna push him and make him close up again so how do i make him feel safe with me how do i help him continue what he started by opening up a bit because i know the alcohol helped but he started telling me before he was drunk so there is something there something tells him to feel safe also i dont know if im being stupid by allowing myself to stay knowing what he has done but i believe in him and that he wants to change this and so i guess im taking the risk because no matter what ill be fine eventually and those feelings hes keeping from me is love that i deserve and i think its worth the try. Ive already seen some progress he been wanting to see me more often and actually did a very thoughtful gift for valentines day so i see alot of good signs here which tell me im on the right path but im still very confued by him and worried ill make him close off again please give me a guys point of view on what i can do.

I'm sorry he keeps playing you like this and feeding you lines about "fantasy release" and missing his baby mama. He's a very good actor when it comes to manipulating you with crocodile tears and faux emotions.

 

Give yourself space and time to reflect on what is really going on through no contact so you are free of the chronic lies and lines.

my boyfriend responds to craigslist ads. i said it was done we couldnt fix it. he cant forgive himself for walking out on a relationship that took away his chance at being with his son 100%.

Good heavens, you're dating my ex. Well, probably not, but nearly identical actions, talking about how this and that had scarred him and why chasing other women was a needed thing, and gosh he knew it hurt me, but he wasn't going to change.

 

Here's the thing, it's one thing to ape the words you know someone wants to hear, to do the whole, "I realize now why I do bad things," BUT it's a whole other game to actually change those actions. And that's where I see problems here. He acknowledges he has issues, whether those are real or not though, I can't say. And neither can you. But he has told you he won't change and I also don't see from your words that he's really working on changing anything, that he has decided to be faithful to you and shed his past, and move forward with a more healthy relationship.

 

And you are not a therapist and it's not up to you to "fix" him. It's up to you to simply say, "These are my boundaries, and if you can't respect them then we're done. I don't care what you "know" I know I don't want to be with someone who cannot be honest and faithful with me." And you enforce that and if he cannot or will not follow those rules then you walk.

 

Yes, it really is that simple. You just haven't been hurt enough yet to get that point across. I don't see anywhere that he's said he will now be faithful to you. In fact, his new brand of "honesty" is him telling you he resents that you know what he does and he won't change it. But that honesty isn't leading him to therapy or even a sincere effort to change, in fact he's told you to your face he won't.

 

Walking away? Why would he, he has a woman who will do whatever he wants, and hang on whether he's faithful to her or not. Why on earth would he walk away from the one person who will give him a pass on his bad behaviors? With you he knows he can be unfaithful and lie and when you get upset he can trot out the "But I'm soooo damaged," and you'll just drink it up when another woman would kick him to the curb.

 

So if your standard of his caring is he isn't leaving, you probably need to re-assess what real caring is, because I don't see anything remotely resembling that.

 

All you can do is get into therapy for yourself to explore your own self-esteem and respect issues, and to decide if you really want to be with someone who refuses to change. At the least I'd urge you to inform him you aren't his mother, aren't going to play at that game, and if he can't be faithful to you and you see one more anything - no matter how trivial - you are gone. Because if he won't get his ship together you want no part of it. And then you walk away and get help to examine why you stuck around for so long before you repeat the pattern with someone else or someone worse.

 

Of course, this will probably go in one ear and out the other. Hopefully before you have kids with the guy and are now stuck with someone who drops any pretense of faithfulness and honesty. But right now I do think he's being as honest with you as he can when he says this "

saying things like" things wont be different now that you know all this stuff about me" or " i hate that you sit there thinking you have me all figured out now"

but I really don't get why you think this is a good thing. As someone who interned as a therapist we didn't call those breakthroughs, we called them justifications and understood it meant the client was basically not going to change.

 

And that's the goal of any opening up or realization of why someone has a bad habit or behavior - change. Without change it means nothing. So what has he, is he doing - not saying but DOING - to really change. What are you doing to change yourself, so you demand more for you?

So he did say he wants to change well i guess i disnt add that in there but i told him that i can be understanding and i can be patient but i need to see progress or im out i need to see that you are trying to stop this behavior and he said yes i know i know need to stop this and i guess i took him saying that now that i know i can understand him better and he can stop as his way of saying yes i wanna work on this now i domt exactly know how i would gauge if he really is changing yes i have access to his phone and email but i dont wanna need to be constantly checking up on him because if there is no trust why am i here you know so i started paying more attention to the little things like him telling me he misses me or holding my hand in the car like he never does and those things mean alot to me bcause i feel like they show me he really cares i dont really see another way to view his progress at this point indeally it would be him getting counseling but seeing the different fears he has of opening up and being weak i also know that it isnt something i can expect to happen over night

And with the whole him saying this and that scares him i didnt jump to oh hes manipulating me duhh but he was so drunk and switching from Topic to topic i find it extremely hard to believe he would be capable of lying so well and i dont think i should just write it off like that because possibly losing me couldve made him face thigs he needed to face before but couldnt and maybe this does awaken a want to change and i think its just to early to come out and say that he is or isnt going to make these change and if i dont see any progress then yes im out but i dont believe in writing people off like that you know and i could just be messed up and insecure and i hope that it isnt the case and hope that im making the right choice and i hope that he has realized what he could lose and is working hard to get where he needs to go do you at all believe that it is a possibility i mean no one really has an way of knowing and i want there to be another way to know right now all i can rely on is my gut feeling and trust.

I know you addressed this post to the men on here.. but woman to woman... you need to get out and find yourself. Read " Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Sometimes.. in an act of self- avoidance. we can take on another person's issues and make them our own.

His inability to open up is an issue.. but it is not YOUR issue. you are not his therapist.

He has a drinking problem which clouds his judgement and ability to be in a conscious relationship with you. Is this something you can live with long term?

 

Im playing devils advocate here.. what if he doesn't change? What will you do instead?

Focus on yourself, what are your needs? Can he meet them? What do you need in a relationship and is he the best person , right now , to provide you with those.

 

Im sorry if I'm sounding harsh, I know the pain of wanting to play rescuer to someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

 

Take care of your self.. you might just find that he doesn't fit the "new" you.

x

CP

He's definitely manipulating you. I know how hard it is to not believe what he says, but you need to be able to leave him and move past this. He seems to be just a person in it for the intimacy and sex and does not care all that much.

 

Please remember that you are most important and you need to be happy and his behavior is not helping with that.