How Helicopter Parenting has Ruined my relationship with my parents

Hey guys and gals,

I just joined this forum a little while ago. I have found the forums helpful and insightful. Please feel free to offer opinions, advice, knowledge after you've read my post.

Here's my story:

My parents were always protective and "helicopter parents" growing up, but they have become so much worse over time.

My daughter was born when I was 21 years old, and my parents thrust themselves into my life on an unrepresented level. At the time, I was in college and solely reliant upon my parents for financial support. I didn't have a dime to my name and had only worked dead end jobs up to that point. A few months after my daughter was born, I decided to focus on the family and dropped out of school. I moved back to my parents house across the state. My new wife and daughter came with me.

*****I should probably explain my situation now rather than later. My family is wealthy. Very wealthy. And my father likes to maintain control over every possible facet of my life. I have only just recently come to the realization everything has been by design and I have played right into his hands*****

Getting back to the story. My dad helps me get a job at a company he owns and helps me by assisting with my apartment rent during this time. During this time, my mother and father determine my wife, and me for some reason, are "unfit parents". (No drug use, no cop calls, nothing. Looking back on it, I realize how naive I was at the time to listen to their crap). They decide to "help us out" by taking on most of the parenting duties of my daughter. Keep in mind, they live 2.5 hours away from me at that point. I originally say "no", but I am threatened with homelessness, financial ruin, and disownment from the family unless I go along with their plan. So I go along with their plan.

There are times over the next 9 years that my daughter goes back and forth between me and my parents. My daughter has autism and can be difficult to handle sometimes. So they would send her back to my wife and I when they couldn't handle her anymore. As soon as anything happened on our, they would demand her back and threaten us again.

**Repeat, Repeat, Repeat*****

Add in legal documents we were forced to sign giving my parents joint conservatorship and you have the current situation.

I divorce my wife after 9 years of marriage because of severe alcoholism. (I am convinced my parents drove her to this). I move back onto the family ranch and become their errand boy. This is the only way I am able to see my daughter on a daily basis.

Oh, forgot to mention my parents were able to get custody of my daughter during my divorce proceedings. Amazing how unlimited money can get things done.

My daughter blames me for the divorce, I am now the bad guy. My parents wont let me take her to therapy to rebuild our relationship, and I am not allowed to have her spend the night with me or go on vacation with her.(I am not a sex offender or anything like that. My parents just dont want me to be around my daughter. They feel it diminishes the relationship that they are building).

That was in April of this year. Fast forward to Today, and I am starting a new career that will send me out of state within the next 10 months. I will be gone possibly forever. My parents do not want me to take my daughter and my father has said on numerous occasions "I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with you, in order to do what I think is right for your daughter."

So, over the past 6 months, I have been alienated from my daughter more and more. I have been dealing with the death of that relationship for awhile. Essentially, dealing with the death of a child, in emotional terms.

Please understand, I am not angry at my parents. I am just frustrated. I know they originally had good intentions. But "the road to Hell is paved in good intentions". They have created an situation that was a powder keg just waiting to explode. My father genuinely thought that I would be grateful for having the "burden of parenthood" removed from my shoulders. I have told him every day that I did not like what they were doing and that I only wanted to be a good father to my daughter. I've always been so close to my family, and now I can see that I allowed everything to happen. Now my father isn't talking to me at all. He is avoiding me entirely. Normally he and I talk at least twice a day.

Also keep all this in mind:

I know I was stupid for signing all those legal documents giving my parents more control over my daughter. But I was forced to sign them. I cant go into details, But I was forced.

What are y'alls thoughts?

How can they take custody away from your exwife? Was that part of the alcoholism/neglect thing?

How can they take custody away from your exwife? Was that part of the alcoholism/neglect thing?

She signed over her right to custody during the mediation proceedings. She was homeless at the time and needed money. Sad, I know.

Essentially, in Texas, the judge will not remove a child from a place that the child and judge deems "safe and nurturing" for that child. Since my daughter had spent the previous 6 months solely on the family ranch, all the lawyers agreed any attempt to force that "special needs child" out of its "safe environment" would be swiftly rebuffed by the courts. Therefore, child stays on ranch and ex-wife sees her one weekend a month under supervised visitation.

Wow. The only way to resolve any of this (imo), is by looking into legal action. At the very least, seek legal advice to establish if you have a leg to stand on and if you do, then take it from there.

It sounds like your parents made a lot of mistakes. However, you need to start owning your life choices. You are an adult and have been one for a long time. Continuing to blame your parents for everything that is wrong with your life is not constructive as it keeps you stuck in a 'victim' mentality/passive state. It might be more helpful to accept that what is done is done and focus on taking control of your destiny.

Sorry, but no parent would take my child from me. I would make their life an unmitigated hell till they died.

It sounds like your parents made a lot of mistakes. However, you need to start owning your life choices. You are an adult and have been one for a long time. Continuing to blame your parents for everything that is wrong with your life is not constructive as it keeps you stuck in a 'victim' mentality/passive state. It might be more helpful to accept that what is done is done and focus on taking control of your destiny.

I absolutely agree 100% with what you said. I suppose the reason I "was OK with everything" for so long, meant that I didn't have to take personal responsibility for what had happened. Humans have a funny way of denying facts if it means we get to protect our ego. I guess the main thing that finally "set me off" was the realization my parents didn't know how much it hurt me to be away from my daughter.

I really appreciate the constructive feedback and honesty. Thanks

Sorry, but no parent would take my child from me. I would make their life an unmitigated hell till they died.

And that's why you're a good parent. That "mother/father wolf mentality". The primal need to protect and take care of the children is vital.

Please keep in mind, during this whole 10 year process, I was constantly assured of my rights as a parent and assured no one would stand in the way of my relationship with my daughter.

My father can "sell ice cubes to the Eskimos" as they say. I was totally convinced most of the time. Whenever I raised issues about something or a document I was asked to sign, I was usually threatened and assured my signature wasnt really needed in order to accomplish the task. They would just "out lawyer" me instead and then punish me further with financial and legal burdens.

Wow. The only way to resolve any of this (imo), is by looking into legal action. At the very least, seek legal advice to establish if you have a leg to stand on and if you do, then take it from there.

We live in an amazing country. A country where money and good lawyers can do anything. I would be fighting city hall if I went the legal rout with my parents. Plus, if they lost, they would simply go live in Argentina or France or someplace that our legal system cant reach them. Plus I would absolutely destroy any possible hope of reconciliation with them afterwords. I just wish my mother and father would agree to family counseling, so we can talk about these things in a neutral environment. But that's a pipe dream.

But I appreciate your input. Believe me, I have thought about my legal options. You had an excellent point.

I just wish my mother and father would agree to family counseling, so we can talk about these things in a neutral environment. But that's a pipe dream..

Have you suggested this to them?

Fast forward to Today, and I am starting a new career that will send me out of state within the next 10 months. I will be gone possibly forever.

What is best for your daughter? I'm not buying that you "will be gone possibly forever", unless, say, you are heading off to a colony on Mars. I don't think you should make career choices that take you away from your daughter, and I don't think you should take her away from her grandparents at this point, or from her mother. How is your daughter doing? Are you seeing a therapist? If not, it would be good to work with one to help you feel more in control of your own life and choices, and to help you see MORE options.

We live in an amazing country. A country where money and good lawyers can do anything. I would be fighting city hall if I went the legal rout with my parents. Plus, if they lost, they would simply go live in Argentina or France or someplace that our legal system cant reach them. Plus I would absolutely destroy any possible hope of reconciliation with them afterwords. I just wish my mother and father would agree to family counseling, so we can talk about these things in a neutral environment. But that's a pipe dream.

 

But I appreciate your input. Believe me, I have thought about my legal options. You had an excellent point.

I think you need to stop arguing against yourself.

You really need advice from a lawyer.

I am so sorry. I'd like to respond, but I also need to make sure I say the right thing, not something from my own triggers/past.

Please know my heart goes out to you, your daughter, and your ex wife.

Couple of thoughts:

One, talk to an attorney. You may have rights you're not even aware of, despite the papers you signed. If you have copies of those papers, take them with you. Parents have some pretty hefty rights, especially if they can be deemed "fit" by the court in the present time.

Two, talk to your parents. I'm not talking an emotional, fraught encounter - but attempt to appeal to their sense of reason and familial respect. Acknowledge mistakes you've made in the past, and let them know that you desperately want a relationship with your daughter and are hopeful that they will be supportive of that relationship. Reiterate that it doesn't undermine their relationship with her. And, if it's important to you and them, stress that you'd like to rebuild your relationship as well.

It's a start.

My maternal grandmother tried to take me from my parents when I was 4 years old. I went to my grandparents when my parents did a cross country move because at the time my parents had nowhere to live as they had not chosen a place. When my mom wanted me back my grandmother refused to return me . I remember crying and wanting my mom and baby brother. I remember my grandmother telling me she was my mom now.

My mom phoned her dad and told him she was calling the police and having her mom charged with kidnapping if they didn't have me on an airplane the next day to send me home . I was sent home because my grandfather was far more rational and stood up to my grandmother . Believe me he paid later but I got to go home .

All that stuff happened 46 years ago and I still remember it . I am 50 years old and even though it happened when I was four years old I still remember all this ruckus . I don't know why people think that this is not something children remember and how it won't harm them .

You should always fight for your kids .

you can try mediation before you try legal action. counseling they may decline, although i would make the suggestion in writing and save their written response. it's high time to consult social services as well.