Fiancé broke up with me 4 months before wedding

This is going to be a long one but I would so appreciate and advice and feedback so much!

My fiancé and I have been together for almost 2.5 years. We got engaged at the end of this summer and have been planning out wedding and future together. We had a perfect relationship. He was the most loving, doting, respectful, honest, and loyal man I've ever known and I loved him more than anything. He's 6 years older than me and has 2 young children from a previous marriage. This would've been my first marriage and I don't have children. His past had always been a bit dodgy but he has completely changed from who he used to be and is truly a wonderful Christian man. A few months ago I saw an email from him to a female friend at work. He always gave me passwords to everything and complete access to his phone. The email said something along the lines of "sorry for leaving you early today but I wanted to get home to see my kids, my youngest is sick. But I'll be there waiting for you at 3:30 so smile for me and enjoy the rest of your shift." Obviously i freaked out. He explained that the woman was a lesbian, married to a woman who had just decided to transition to a man. She was struggling in her relationship and he was simply a good friend who could give her advice. By "being there" he meant when she got off work so that they could continue talking if she needed someone to talk to. I emailed the woman, looked at her Facebook and concluded that I probably overreacted. About a month ago I saw that she had added him on Facebook. I freaked out again because I told him I didn't want them being friends. He was apologetic, deleted her, and wanted to make things right but I have trust issues and it didn't sit right with me. This went on for a few days, I was distant and he wanted to fix things. 5 days later I finally agreed to meet up with him to talk and saw that same night he had emailed the woman telling her "I won't be coming in to work tonight. She finally wants to meet up and talk. I need to see her and fix this." The woman replied "I understand. I'll miss you" neeedless to say I really freaked out. Called him and told him he's a piece of and we're done. He explained and asked if we could still meet up to talk.

A little background my fiancé has ptsd from his childhood, abusive father and toxic living environment. His family and him had told me he used to be very emotionally distant and angry. But he had obviously changed and I'd never seen that side of him. Until that night. He was so angry and distant and acccusing me of trying to find reasons to end our engagement and that I would never be able to trust him ever again and that I didn't want to. We fought and talked and cried but didn't break up. Things went on like this for another week. We barely talked and when we did he was so cold. Just like how he told me he used to be. In "emotional survival mode" I wanted to go to counseling, I love him and didn't want to break up but we clearly had work to do. After going on a long drive Sunday to clear his head and get away from all the stresses (me, our fighting, issues with his kids, issues with work, etc).

We met up the Monday following and he told me that he "couldn't do this anymore" that he loved me and didn't know how he was going to get over me but that our relationship had some issues he couldn't get over (my issues with his past and how I would fight with him over it) he never spoke up before but apparently it really really bothered him.

It's been a little more than 2 weeks since then and I only texted him once to ask if he told the kids yet. We agreed to talk in a month from when we broke up and work on being friends. He told me not to hold onto hope of us working out.

It makes no sense. It's like a completely different person then who I dated and was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I love him so much. Even though working on it would be so painful and difficult I don't want to give up on him.

I'd really appreciate any outside perspective or advice from anyone who has been through something remotely similar. I don't know what to expect from him. The man I was engaged to would have never done this and would die before giving up on us so easily but it's like he's not here anymore and this alter ego has taken over.

Unfortunately it sounds like you finally got to know the real him. How did you meet, through church? What was his "dodgy past"? Crime? Drugs/alcohol? Womanizing?

You seem quite mismatched and incompatible for starters. Then there is the jealousy and power struggles and trust issues over his coworker. At least you both agree that calling things off is the best solution.

We got engaged at the end of this summer. His past had always been a bit dodgy but he has completely changed from who he used to be and is truly a wonderful Christian man.

 

I really freaked out. Called him and told him he's a piece of and we're done. We met up the Monday following and he told me that he "couldn't do this anymore". He told me not to hold onto hope of us working out.

You had issues with his past and it sounds like you became emotionally abusive over it to the point of reaching his breaking point. This may indeed be the end of you two. Time will tell. You need to give him all the space he asks and use this time to work on your own issues. Being jealous over a lesbian friend to the point of becoming abusive sounds really disturbing. Unless he was gaslighting you with lies. Was he lying? You really need to reflect on your behaviour...

We met online. He had cheated on his ex wife. She had cheated on him too. But my dad was a cheater and so I know that "once a cheater always a cheater" can sometimes be true.

I had never thought I could be with someone who had done that but he made me feel so safe and secure and loved that his past wasn't a deal breaker for me.

I don't think we're mismatched. We had an amazing relationship and this was literally our first big fight so it's hard to stomach that he wouldn't even give me a chance to work on the issues he "couldn't get over". It's not as though anything major happened. It's just like he freaked out suddenly when everything became too much

Why were you fighting with him over his past? You either accept someone's history or leave them to find someone whose you can.

Gotta agree with Clio. Sounds like you've enjoyed being the one pulling the hair trigger and now he's had enough. You probably should have spared you both the headache and stood by your word to break up rather than having him grovel. Sounds like it woke him up.

@Clio I wasn't emotionally abusive. But I fully take reposonibilty that my fears and insecurities got the best of me and I have a lot of maturing to do. I'm in counseling now. I don't think he was lying. I think he thought the relationship was "safe" because she's gay but I don't think he understands that lesbians can be really wish washy. My best friend is a lesbian and currently pregnant with her ex boyfriends baby so.... not as black and white as I think he thought unfortunately. I hope we're not done. I know how much he loved me and I would do anything for him. I just don't want to go down without a fight because he's worth more than that to me. But it's been no contact and I'm hoping he appreciates that I'm giving him what he wants.

"5 days later I finally agreed to meet up with him to talk and saw that same night he had emailed the woman telling her "I won't be coming in to work tonight. She finally wants to meet up and talk. I need to see her and fix this." "

I'm scratching my head trying to figure out why you thought this was bad. It sounds like he was telling her he wanted to "fix" his relationship with you.

Can you explain why this would make you angry?

@boltnrun it was because I had asked him not to have any contact with her anymore. He agreed and told me he was done being friends with her. And to know that he was contacting her in the midst of us fighting over her just didn't make sense to me. It was more so her "I will miss you" that freaked me out.

I emailed the woman, looked at her Facebook and concluded that I probably overreacted. About a month ago I saw that she had added him on Facebook. I freaked out again because I told him I didn't want them being friends. He was apologetic, deleted her, and wanted to make things right but I have trust issues and it didn't sit right with me. This went on for a few days, I was distant and he wanted to fix things. 5 days later I finally agreed to meet up with him to talk and saw that same night he had emailed the woman telling her "I won't be coming in to work tonight. She finally wants to meet up and talk. I need to see her and fix this." The woman replied "I understand. I'll miss you" neeedless to say I really freaked out. Called him and told him he's a piece of and we're done. He explained and asked if we could still meet up to talk.

When you say that you emailed the woman... and concluded that you probably overreacted, do you mean by that she clearly IS a lesbian in a gay relationship, transitioning to be a man? Assuming she is, I don't understand why you had problems with them being friends - heck, there are lesbians who are effectively bisexual... but she was TRANSITIONING, and unless your guy is a closet gay I doubt he'd have found her appealing. I don't understand why you called him a piece of ****. Especially as he was taking time off work to meet with you, after you'd been pushing him away for a few days.

If she isn't, and she's straight, and had designs on your then fiancé and he was going along with it... better it all finishes now before you go through with a wedding.

However, in relationships, as a general point... don't punish people for a past which was nothing to do with you and doesn't affect you directly. It's very unhelpful, and can only rub salt into the wounds which are already there. Don't go all distant as a way of punishing people, either. It's passive-aggressive and a huge relationship killer. It also guarantees that whatever's bothering you doesn't get dealt with.

As another general point... when people are sufficiently stressed, they will revert to earlier behaviour patterns. So the fact that he became cold and distant as a way of protecting himself against an onslaught makes perfect sense.

Agree. They are not ready to get married. If they did they may as well invite the divorce lawyer to the wedding.

I don't understand why you called him a piece of ****.

She wasn't transitioning her wife is transitioning into a man.

I see now that I made mistakes and took and take full responsibility for how I treated him. But although I made mistakes I loved him with my whole heart. Found out today that he's probably seeing someone else already. It's been 2 weeks so I guess I dodged a bullet. Just wish it were easier to hate him.

Just wish it were easier to hate him.

Be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. It would have been so much worse if you'd carried on with your wedding plans, had your ceremony - and then all this blew up. Let yourself know he isn't the man you thought he was, and that the person you were in love with was a fantasy.

Don't indulge in hate - it will bind you to him as strongly as love will.

OP, forgive me, but how can you honestly say this makes no sense?

It makes perfect sense. You were extremely insecure when there didn't appear any reason for it. To me, it genuinely seems they were friends and nothing more. You projected your father's cheating and your lesbian friend's questionable choices on to your boyfriend and his friend, which is not fair. You also knew he'd cheated in the past, and decided to get engaged anyway. That's on you. It doesn't appear as though he gave you any real reason to believe he'd been unfaithful to you. Yet, you admit you freaked out several times and then ended it. And refused to talk to him for several days. This was not a wise way to handle this.

Why, then, are you so confused about his change in attitude toward you? You didn't exactly extend him the benefit of the doubt, and you certainly didn't want to discuss it when he was still willing and trying to sort it out. Of course he's not happy with you now. It's not an alter ego; it's him reacting to and processing your behaviour. I have been on the other end of baseless accusations and let me tell you, it's completely exhausting to deal with. It's also a huge attraction-killer.

In the future, take a few deep breaths and think before you speak and act. I mean that sincerely. You let your fears and emotions get the better of you here. If you don't feel you can trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. In that sense, he was 100% correct in ending the engagement. Why would want to marry him when you clearly don't trust him? That would have been a disaster.

I still can't see that he did anything wrong.

He only contacted her to tell her he wanted to try to fix things with you. SHE said she missed him...he didn't say HE missed HER.

Agree. You weren't compatible and even though there was something there, not all relationships should result in marriage. Relationships are to determine if something like that is reasonable and in this case it would have been disastrous.

How do you know he's seeing someone? Do you think he overlapped and staged a huge fight to get out of things?

Found out today that he's probably seeing someone else already. It's been 2 weeks so I guess I dodged a bullet.

For everyone saying it doesn't seem suspicious to you I don't think you quite understand the context and that's ok. What you're forgetting is that although at first I was a little stand offish while I processed everything, I spent over a week trying to fix things while he then pushed me away and wanted space. I gave him space and ultimately without getting any counsel or advice from friends or family he ended things with a rather bogus excuse.

Don't you agree that if you're about to marry someone you have to work through things and not just give up when it gets hard. I had genuine concerns and voiced them to him because I wanted to work through it. It seemed to me like he didn't want to have to be accountable, which is part of being in a relationship.

His friend had been in touch with me and told me he was going to a party with a female friend from work, that it was nothing official but there was interest there. Sounds to me like it could be this girl I had my fears about. There's a lot to be said about women's intuition.

I love him with my whole heart and wanted this to work out and it did work out wonderfully for over 2 years. Unfortunately in the end he didn't want to work on our problems and I did.

OP, you ended it first. You said so yourself.

You cannot realistically then turn around and question why he doesn't want to work on your problems when you were the first one to call it off. You're the pot calling the kettle black, in other words.

I think you need to do a lot more reflection; your lack of insight into your own hypocritical behaviour is really quite astonishing.

What was his excuse?

I gave him space and ultimately without getting any counsel or advice from friends or family he ended things with a rather bogus excuse.

I said something drastic in a very high emotion situation. As soon as I saw him I told him I didn't want to break up but I needed answers and I needed him to respect where I was coming from.

We had every intention to work through this, despite him being distant for the last week of our relationship, he then suddenly said he realized that he had been overlooking certain behaviors of mine that were not ok. All things I own up to and want to change.

I "overlooked" his past and the fact that I never planned to be with someone with kids and a crazy ex wife. But I loved him so much none of that mattered. So for him to say that the things he overlooked were why we should break up was a little ridiculous because they were things that's could've been changed.

But like I said, I think he has some deeper rooted issues he needs to work through and unfortunately there is no hope for us romantically.

He says he's not sure if he can be friends with me because of our history it might be too painful. Anyone have any idea what that means? Does it sound genuine or like a cop out because he's wanting to move on and not have to explain it to me?

I said something drastic in a very high emotion situation. As soon as I saw him I told him I didn't want to break up but I needed answers and I needed him to respect where I was coming from.

 

We had every intention to work through this, despite him being distant for the last week of our relationship, he then suddenly said he realized that he had been overlooking certain behaviors of mine that were not ok. All things I own up to and want to change.

 

I "overlooked" his past and the fact that I never planned to be with someone with kids and a crazy ex wife. But I loved him so much none of that mattered. So for him to say that the things he overlooked were why we should break up was a little ridiculous because they were things that's could've been changed.

 

But like I said, I think he has some deeper rooted issues he needs to work through and unfortunately there is no hope for us romantically.

 

He says he's not sure if he can be friends with me because of our history it might be too painful. Anyone have any idea what that means? Does it sound genuine or like a cop out because he's wanting to move on and not have to explain it to me?

Over the course of 2.5 years was this the first time you accused him of unfaithful behavior? Was this a habit - reading his emails, etc.? I think it all came to a head and the man reached his breaking point. Like, was he ever going to be released from suspicion? Was this a one time thing? Or have you accused him previously?

Ok - you broke up in a high emotional situation, but that still is not a good excuse. Breakups/threats are relationship killers and often can't just be taken back because you said it under duress. This gave him time to think about some of your behaviors over the course of the relationship, and he decided it wasn't something he wanted to marry into. I think that is wise of him to step back, especially given that it would be his second marriage.

You call his reasons ridiculous. Ignoring red flags of a significant other's behavior is what is ridiculous. Should he have said something sooner? Perhaps. Or, maybe he spent so much time trying to ignore it in the name of love that it took this blow up for him to truly evaluate the situation. Were you not aware of these behaviors? He may have some deeply rooted issues, but it seems you have your own to work through.

Not being friends fresh after a breakup is wise. You cannot be friends right off of an unwanted breakup. This will consist of conversations of rehashing the relationship, let's make this work, why didn't you tell me, and on and on. Painful. Stressful. Friendships for the most part should be fun, easy, stress free.

Keep working on yourself and get that junk out of your system so you can have a healthy relationship. Maybe, in the future, you should stick to your guns and not date an ex cheater. I suspect that even if he hadn't been a cheater, because of your own issues the relationship still would have endured the fate of endless suspicion. If I'm wrong with that assumption, please say so. You don't say what these behaviors are, but it seems you may have monitored this man's activity all throughout the course of the relationship. Who wants to live like that? Neither of you, I'm guessing.

He is genuine and wise when he says you can't be friends. It would be too difficult and you wouldn't be able to move on.

He reached a point where he just wanted out. Sorry to say, but your marriage wouldn't have worked. You didn't trust him, and he was exasperated. The dynamic you two had isn't a foundation for a marriage so it's better that you are going to go your separate ways now before legally binding yourselves to each other.

He did explain why he's ending it. You're just refusing to believe that your suspicious, mistrustful and dramatic behaviour are significant contributing factors. You say you broke it off in a highly emotional situation - that's a tough lesson for you to learn: never walk away unless you really mean it. You don't get to yank someone's heart around like that, and then whine that he doesn't want to work on it. No. Take accountability and realize that people don't have to operate on your timeline and according to your wishes. He was not obligated to take you back after that, and he clearly saw that you aren't ready for marriage.

Keep working on you. Get yourself to a healthier and more mature emotional place so that your next relationship is a happier and more peaceful one.

Well an update. He is now "seeing" that lesbian woman I was worried about. She and her partner separated not long after my ex and I did (apparently it was a long time coming) and that they've been hanging out a lot during this month and are now something more I guess? So to everyone who said I had nothing to worry about or that it was my fault..... yeah but no..... of course he could've been telling the truth, they were just friends, and for whatever reason now they're using each other as rebounds... idk??? opinions????